June 2023.
Mikel Arteta’s fourth season as Arsenal manager has concluded and the traditional end of season celebration is underway in a plush, undisclosed, London Hotel. The team, management, auxiliary staff and board members are being treated to a meal worthy of league champi.. runners up. Although attempts to mingle the group together have been made there is one obvious exception. On a raised alcove, in the corner of the spacious dining room, slightly more shaded than the rest, as if the lighting itself could sense the mood, sat Arsenal’s brains trust, manager Mikel Arteta, DOF Edu, assistant manager Steve Round, goalkeeping coach Inaki Cana, CEO Vinai Venkatesham and chairman Josh Kroenke. Another seat was provided but remained conspicuously empty.
Underneath the table, furnished with his own bowl and plate was Arsenal’s newest signing, Win the dog. Although each member had taken turns to inject a sense of celebration into the evening, a dull, painful sense of loss permeated the air.
JK: Aw come on guys! This is meant to be a party. I haven’t seen anything this tragic since Gervinho’s haircut!
SR: Yeah, c’mon lads we need to snap out of it, get a few drinks in (signals for the waiter to approach). Sorry mate, can you bring us a round of lagers please?
Waiter: Certainly sir, pints? Glasses?
SR: Bottle for me.
VV: And me.
MA: Me too.
SR: (interrupts to speed up the process) We’re all bottle jobs here mate, thanks. (Continues on unaware of his innuendo). Season’s over now, it’s time to unwind and enjoy ourselves.
Edu: And hallelujah to that! I’m so tired travelling the world staying in these soulless luxury hotels, I just need a break from it all, you know? Treat myself to a relaxing holiday…nice hotel…somewhere foreign. (Lifts his drink) So come on guys, let’s live a little.
MA: (Shakes his head guiltily) It’s my fault lads.
SR: You mean your failure to rotate?
Edu: The glaring inadequacies of the Winter transfer window?
VV: Your selection brainfarts?
JK: The Saliba contract debacle?
IC: The inevitable and painful decline of our top players at the season’s climax…again.
MA: (Shocked into anger) NO YOU JUDAS PRICKS! I was talking about tonight! My mood! I’m struggling to get into a festive spirit.
All: (looking at each other sheepishly) Oh right…of course boss…sorry boss…no offence boss.
Edu: (attempts to repair the damage) C’mon boss, eat your dinner, you like steak. I sourced it myself.
MA: I do like a bit of steak, it has to be said. Where did you get it?
Edu: Man City were here last night, preparing for the cup final, they had this left over, said we could have it (this news is greeted with general murmurs of approval by all)
MA: A coup indeed Edu, well done. (picks up his glass and takes a sip) And the wine, excellent, is this your doing too?
Edu: I wish I could take the credit boss but in truth it was a gift from Chelsea, they sent us a few cases as a gesture of goodwill between our clubs.
IC: (Sniffing and sipping from his glass) It’s a delightful vintage indeed, aged very well.
JK: (confused) And aged is a good thing?
Edu: Oh yes!
MA: But only if it’s from Chelsea.
JK: Only from Chelsea?
MA: Yes only Chelsea.
JK: But isn’t that who we signed Willian from? That guy left in a bit of huff didn’t he?
MA: A simple misunderstanding, long since cleared up. When I signed him I told him he’d be replacing Mkhitaryan and that he’d be winning the champions league in 3 years time. Poor old Willian thought I was talking about him when of course I was merely predicting Mkhitaryan’s forthcoming appearance in this year’s final.
SR: (looking adoring at Arteta) A prophet in his own lifetime.
(Just then a tall figure approached the table, slowly, moving with the quiet dignity of a man who knows that his past is a medal worn confidently on his chest, it earns him respect, it gives his words gravitas)
JK: Arsene my man, not like you to be late when there’s a free meal to be had! Come, sit down, there’s a chair here for you.
AW: My apologies gentlemen, (turns to stare directly at Arteta) there seems to have been some sort of mix up. I was given directions to a different hotel.
JK: Aw shucks, well not to worry, you’re here now and we’re going to make a damn fine night of it, Pop’s treat. I trust you all got settled into your rooms ok, only the best Pops said.
SR: You’re too generous Josh (chuckles to himself) they gave me the honeymoon suite.
Edu: (high fives Steve Round) Nice one, but get this, I’m in the room above you! The penthouse suite! (looks at Arteta) What about you boss? Where are you?
MA: (Speaking to Edu but never breaking eye contact with Wenger) I am in the highest room in the hotel, the presidential suite. (At this all those seated at the table whistle lowly in appreciation) And where have they put you Arsene?
AW: (Smiling like he is the only man in the world intelligent enough to get the joke) I am in the room above you.
MA: (irritated) Impossible! I am on the top floor.
AW: (the smile broadening) And I am on the next level.
MA: (growing increasingly frustrated) And what is the next level?
AW: (innocently) The next level is the next level.
(Arteta, at this point unable to control his anger, opens his mouth to roar his opposition only to swallow a rather large and unchewed piece of steak. He grabs his throat, struggling to breathe as his face turns a peculiar crimson shade. All this time the other members of the group continue to eat and chat. The waiter, appalled at the scene runs over to help)
Waiter: (Pointing at Arteta) Gentlemen…your friend…shall I call a doctor?
JK: (extending a placating arm to the waiter) No need to worry my man, we got this.
Edu: (calmly) This is a regular occurrence
SR: Especially at this time of year.
VV: Watch. Mikel… (All eyes turn to Arteta who has been writhing on the ground gasping for air). Mikel…the season’s over. (Suddenly Arteta sits up and spits out the offending piece of meat.)
MA: Well thank fuck for that.
JK: By the way Mikel, gotta ask you, what’s the deal with the mutt? What it’s name?
MA: (genuine warmth in his voice) You mean Win? Well I just thought it would give the lads a boost to have a friendly animal around the ground. Relieve the pressure a bit you know? I’ve always been a dog lover myself. (Cuts a small piece of steak and lowers his hand under the table, smiling as he feels the warm tongue licking his hand, the comforting sensation of a head resting on his lap)
Its my view that… (his speech is halted mid sentence as he sees a contented Win perched on Arsene’s lap, his former manager stroking the dog with the refined grace of a Bond villain. Becoming alarmed at the weight pressed on his lap Arteta slowly lifts the tablecloth to see Steve Round looking up at him.) Jesus Christ!
(Arteta pushes back his chair) Excuse me, I need to go to the bathroom.
AW: I’ll accompany you if you don’t mind.
MA: (with ill grace) Of course not, after you.
AW: (Smiling) Naturally…
(the two men quickly find themselves alone in the bathroom and metaphorical masks are dropped hastily)
MA: (snarling) Just what is your game?
AW: (defensively) I don’t understand…
MA: (Furiously) You bloody understand all too well. You came into my office two months ago to ‘advise’ me, told me to give holding more game time, start Vieira in the middle of the park, drop Trossard and freeze out ESR. We were top of the league! I did what you said and we fucked it!! Massively!! And you haven’t been seen since!
AW: (soothingly) Mikel, my friend. You must look at the bigger picture. What is it you want most? To win the premiership no?
MA: You know it is.
AW: And to do this, to match the financial juggernaut that is Manchester City, you will need money no?
MA: (anger starting to fade) Of course.
AW: (Smoothly) Well then, you must show the moneymen that investment is needed. Let them see the disadvantages that are crippling you. Highlight our vulnerabilities so to speak.
MA: (Starting to believe) So we threw the title to City in order to secure further financial investment?
AW: (Paternally) Yes my boy!
MA: (Proud at his understanding) And with this new investment I’ll be able to build a team that is good enough to…
AW: (Finishing his sentence) …to beat City to the title, yes.
MA: (tears in his eyes) Arsene, it’s genius. (Bowing his head) I’m sorry I ever doubted you.
AW: Nonsense my boy, you have had a difficult time of late. I have been there you know, trying to take down Fergie’s empire. If you ever need my advice you need only ask.
MA: (shyly, looking around the bathroom to confirm they are alone) Well actually, there is one thing you could help me with…
AW: Of course, anything.
MA: (almost whispering) How did you handle it? You know… the failure. I go to bed at night and try to sleep but all I can see is Ramsdale passing to the wrong team or Partey flicking the ball into an opponents path. I’m haunted, exhausted, shattered. Can you help me? Please!
AW: (puts his arms around Arteta consolingly) It’s all right my boy, it’s all right. I can help.
MA: (Overcome with gratitude) I knew I could rely on you. Tell me, how did you do it? How did you survive the terrors of a title collapse??
AW: (With one arm around Arteta’s shoulders and the other pointing up at some unseen inspiration Wenger utters the next few words as his listener stood trance like) In the season’s where our challenge collapsed I took comfort in…
MA: (Desperately) In??
AW: In the three titles that I won… (slaps a stunned Arteta on the back and walks out of the bathroom whistling happily to himself).
[Satire] is a collection of brilliance from one of our readers Almuniasaynomore, who can be seen lurking in comments often. This section tries to have a laugh at expense of some.
If you feel offended, remember, they’re just jokes. We’re all gonna die soon and there’s no football in hell or heaven, so remember that.
Feedbacks are welcome in the comments!
Tony, you could be right about the remake.
With regards to Rice, I am keen on his acquisition but I can’t work out what a reasonable price would be. I want Caceido too but wonder about the budget we’d have for other needed incomings. KT and Balogun would raise £60 m(?) and other money in could reach £20 -30m, so with a net spend of say £150m, buying Rice and Caceido would at best leave £60-70m for other purchase. Fine if we’re talking about young back up full backs but limiting if we wanted any players further forward.
Whatever happens I strongly believe if at all possible, in the importance of players having a full pre season so we need Arsenal to get deals over the line early.
Saliba signing most important!
All the rumours are pointing to both Xhaka and Partey being replaced we need to get the replacements right or next season will be a write off before a balls even kicked.
If we want Rice (who I think will be a good signing) then surely we’ve been given the nod that he’s interested. Another summer of chasing targets who then move elsewhere is not acceptable.
Hi Marc
I don’t quite understand why Partey’s reputation has fallen off a cliff. Towards the end of the season he was relegated to become Jorginho’s understudy and put in some pretty ineffectual performances when he came on, arguably when everyone else was playing poorly too (or were even worse). Oh and let’s not forget the little manager giving him sone run it’s at right back!
Immediately prior to that, he was pretty indispensable in my opinion and put in some towering performances over the season. Is the club and it’s agents behind it? It would be consistent with other players whose reputations (and values) have been rubbished. I just don’t get it – I think the guy had a reasonably good season. There’s also the legal context I guess but there continue to be some utterly mystifying moves coming out of the club.
Kroenke
I’ve given up on the clubs motives for doing things although I find it very easy to slip into “done deliberately to give Arteta an excuse for not performing”.
A good example would be “you can’t expect Arteta to get top 4 after losing Saliba and having to install 2 new central midfielders into the team”. Most managers with half a brain would have staggered the arrival of new players into the same position.
KP,
It has to be the legal issue,nothing else makes any sense,also throws into doubt the possibility of selling him,which brings us back to square 1. I remember last year it was all about Tielemans and Maddison. Which one were we getting? Or both? I wonder if Rice and Caicedo will play out similarly? Surely not.
Would like visual evidence of Xhaka departing btw!
Almunia-I’m not buying jackshit until he’s wearing another’s kit at a presser and he’s been officially placed on the “out” list…this wantaway slippery fuck’s exit has been bandied about for almost as long as he’s been here, so I’ll need hard evidence before I have a celebratory beverage or 10
meanwhile back at the ranch, rumours about us being gazumped again, this time by Munich, are starting to gain momentum…how ironic it would be if we supposedly steered clear so as to not burden Rice, whilst he prepared for his Conference League final, and in the meantime Tuchel took advantage of our amateur hour approach…if this were to be the case, it either means we’re the least savvy MFers in the footballing universe or our interest wasn’t genuine and this was simply another ruse meant to fool the fanbase into believing that we’re battling real “big” clubs for top recruits…neither is the least bit flattering
I was intrigued by an article today which was entitled “Arsenal shatter three Prem rivals’ dreams after striking agreement with electric winger on incredible terms”, so you can only imagine my disappointment when I quickly discovered the player in question…now I certainly have no axe to grind with Nelson, in fact, if we possessed even a modicum of business savviness we should have re-upped or sold him as soon as he returned from the Netherlands, but to actually suggest that others would be shattered and incredible terms were reached, speaks volumes about both our insanely poor business model and our truly disingenuous nature…even the bootlicking LG spokesmodel Pedro must cringe a little when this sort of drivel gets green lighted for public consumption
keeping in mind that even though I’m not completely sold on the whole Rice acquisition gig, the very notion of us either being little brothered again or continuing to act in a totally disingenuous manner, when it came to our perceived transfer targets, would be an incredibly disappointing scenario for a club who’s supposedly fixated on rewriting organizational narratives
green-lit instead of green lighted
TRVL,
I wanted Rice years ago,had been keeping a close eye on him while he was ‘Irish’. Not so sure now. If the budget is blown on him a la 50 mil on White,then it’s a definite no. But if they can negotiate a fair price or convince the Kroenkes to part with even more millions,then go ahead by all means.
I still think we badly need a striker and he won’t come cheap,no matter who it is. This rebuild is becoming a very drawn out and expensive process. Be quicker if we appointed Andy Dufresne as director of operations!
It’s a concerted campaign of ‘jam tomorrow’, never quite getting there but manipulating fans into thinking it’s just around the corner (which is a massive fiction given who is managing the team…..)
Taken from Lewis Carroll and Alice in Wonderland, ‘jam yesterday, jam tomorrow but never jam today’. It has a Latin tie in – the word for ‘now’ in Latin is ‘iam’ pronounced as jam.
Personally, I’ve never thought Rice would sign for us. We’re stalking horses for other, bigger clubs with real ambition and leaders forc whom winning is an addiction. All we’ll get from this is a sense that we’ve helped West Ham get top dollar
Almunia-sweet Shawshank reference…I think Andy would have been plotting his escape from the Emirates within minutes of arriving…I, like yourself, did covet Rice a few years back, albeit I must admit I was a much bigger fan of his international teammate Phillips until his move to City, but I’m always weary of putting too much stock, or money for that matter, in someone who’s been playing in a dire tactical scheme for too long, as it usually leads to some bad tendencies and a loser’s mentality…as such, I would gladly pay120+ for Rodri or Kimmich due to their winning mentality and championship pedigree, than 90+ for the potential up-side of a perennial loser, which certainly isn’t to suggest that Rice can’t come good under differing circumstances
KP-I almost had an acid flashback upon reading your Alice in Wonderland “jam tomorrow” quote…how apropos considering our present plight…kudos to Carroll for his noteworthy efforts but for me the 1976 x-rated fantasy reboot remains forever emblazened in my brain…likely a byproduct of my overly sexualized teenager brain at the time of discovering this skin-filled romp
as in regards to Rice, there’s little doubt that the Hammers were hellbent on doing whatever necessary to create a bidding war and our early show of interest made us a logical “baiting” option
In a perfect world we would have targeted both MacAllister and Caicedo, as this would have brought some middle of the pitch familiarity and the logical possibility of deploying a similar scheme to BHA, when tactical flexibility was required; not to mention that our wide side players would fit perfectly with that sort of plan B option…I get that it’s not commonplace to acquire two players from the same squad, in the same window, but everyone and their brother knew these two were likely on the outs so the fact that they would be going to one destination instead of two shouldn’t be a nonstarter…in fact, as the selling club wouldn’t you rather face them twice instead of playing them a combined 4 times, so long as the financial side of the equation met your expectations…I find it to be somewhat akin to when the NFL Bengals drafted their QBs number 1 WR from his former alma mater, as their rapport allowed them to avoid the usual adjustment period, thereby enabling them to put up astronomical numbers and qualify for the Super Bowl in their first year together…that’s how you change a fucking narrative
TVRL – not sure you’d know much about changing a narrative if truth be told!
thanks Mr. Pot…yours truly, Mr.Kettle
Tony
United do need a rebuild but according to Mark Ogden there are bigger priorities, A striker is number 1 then the midfield. Since strikers are not cheap these days and they now have to be aware of FFP, Mark said there is not a lot left over for the middle of the pitch. In addition the constant dragging out to up the price for the club is another angle will the Glazers put money in the club? I seriously doubt that which means if they sell the club and the new owners are now looking for elite midfield players it will be late in the preseason and not a lot of choice will be left. So United are more screwed then us.
As far as us are concerned if Edu & Tets can not pull of the summer TW that we all expect it will be a delightful pressure on them and the mood in the Emirates will change quickly as the supporters expect a few things. Challenge for the title, quarterfinals for the CL, one domestic trophy and domestic cup final. That is not possible with the squad at present. So all eyes on the second rate execs this summer. TBC after June 14th.
Readability and adaptation on different screen size should be better now. Do let me know if something is not working or needs an improvement.
I’m still checking different options…
Killroy
I’m hoping Ten Hag’s rebuild is going to see Manure struggling again next season. Equally, I’m hoping that doesn’t apply to us, as we need a max of 6 players to have a bench good enough to challenge on all fronts.
Papers are saying we’ve agreed fees for Caicedo and Rice who are likely to be fit for the whole season where neither are potential sick notes.
When the window has closed we’ll have a better view of what to expect, that’s when I’ll give my verdict. Rice at 6 and Caicedo at 8 gives us a strong defensive MF unit with little need for any inversions.
If this continues, then so far, so good if we get them both over the line.
Ambarish
Great new look – so much cleaner and brighter needed for old timers like me. Thanks.
KP
“It’s a concerted campaign of ‘jam tomorrow’,”
Always been the way after Wenger lost his TW marbles. At least KSE are digging deep and we no longer are the poor relations to Manure and Chavs if we sign Rice and co. It makes the right statement. So I’m keeping positive for now.
Been talking to a French consultant in the first step to the France project. Everything is ready to green light once the companies are sold.
Ambarish
Like the new look – much brighter and fresher.
We’ve taken a look at Transfermarkt‘s valuations of the most valuable players in world football. We’ve extended the list beyond 20 names to include all the players tied in being valued at €80million or more. Here’s that list in full:
1. Kylian Mbappe – €180m
2. Erling Haaland – €170m
3. Vinicius Junior – €120m
4. Jude Bellingham – €120m
5. Jamal Musiala – €110m
6. Bukayo Saka – €110m
7. Phil Foden – €110m
8. Pedri – €100m
9. Victor Osimhen – €100m
10. Federico Valverde – €100m
11. Gavi – €90m
12. Aurelien Tchouameni – €90m
13. Harry Kane – €90m
14. Enzo Fernandez – €85m
15. Florian Wirtz – €85m
16. Khvicha Kvaratskhelia – €80m
17. Rodrygo – €80m
18. Lautaro Martinez – €80m
19. Declan Rice – €80m
20. Rodri – €80m
21. Rafael Leao – €80m
22. Christopher Nkunku – €80m
23. Martin Odegaard – €80m
24. Bernardo Silva – €80m
25. Marcus Rashford – €80m
New post.