Deep in the bowels of the Emirates stadium a pale and clearly nervous Edu sits in a deserted office. In his hand is a charm, a rabbit’s foot, and he threads it subconsciously through his fingers. To many it looks like a tawdry, cheap, superstitious trinket. But Edu knows it’s true worth for Xavi had spoken to him of it’s great value and had only reluctantly swapped it for Aubameyang when Edu had also agreed to pay his wages. Edu smiled to himself at what was his greatest coup. Evidently Xavi had swiftly realised his mistake also, his shrieking laughter as he had left the meeting a clear sign of impending insanity.
The familiar tickle of a draught of stale air on his neck rapidly brought his mind back to the present. The slow grinding rumble of stone on stone announced the return of his Lord and Master and Edu was sure that this reunion would not be one of warmth. Instinctively he threw himself to the ground fumbling with his zipper in homage to a managerial God.
Edu: (trembling) My Lord, I am yours to command.
AW: Arise Edu, you may save your grovelling for later, we have much to talk about and my time is short.
Edu: (Anxiously) My Lord? Are you unwell?
AW: Of course not. I have a date with a 23yr old French rapper called Boom Boom in one hour. It’s my intention to find out where she got that name from!
Edu: Master, even now you are identifying young talent.
AW: But of course… Now, to matters at hand. How is my plan unfolding?
Edu: (confused) Your plan, my Lord?
AW: Yes you bumbling Brazilian buffoon. Did you really think I would leave the fate of this club, MY club, in the the unworthy hands of that pedestrian paced Everton reject?
Edu: But my Lord, it has been so long, I…we…didn’t know if you would return to us. When Per told me you were coming back I couldn’t believe it. Nobody has heard of you since your plan for a World Cup every two years.
AW: (Hissing) Of course you haven’t heard from me, you fool! I am FIFA’s chief of global football development. If I come up with more than one idea an year I could lose my job! Have you any idea the effect it could have on the world’s governing body if people start expecting us to produce meaningful policies? Anarchy will await us. What will be next? Accountability? Justifying our salaries and expenses? Oh no my friend, I embraced life in the shadows once more. But worry not. I did not abandon you. My return is inevitable.
Edu: (Hesitantly) But Master, since you were last here…we have been…that is to say…Arteta has been…(whispers)…successful.
(Edu cowers down, expecting a combination of physical and verbal assaults and not knowing which he should fear most. Yet seconds pass and nothing happens. Slowly he removes his arms from his face and straightens up. Arsene Wenger is smiling at him in that way he greets an interviewers question that he has no intention of answering.)
AW: Truly I have left you alone too long my old friend. Tell me what is this success you speak of?
Edu: (Caught off guard) Why, we have…won some games…we are favourites now to…
AW: To…?
Edu: (humbled, like a teenage girl who realises her story cannot match her dramatic demand for the silence in which to deliver it) To…come fourth.
AW: (Cackling) Fourth? That is the great success being delivered by the one who would fill my shoes? ( Beginning to shriek a little) Fourth? The mythical trophy that I invented when my powers were failing? He would try to con me with an illusion of my own making? (Suddenly deadly serious) He is a bigger fool than I thought Edu.
Edu: (Confused) My Lord, I do not understand.
AW: Of course you don’t my friend, this plan I shared with no one. (Tapping the chair beside him) Sit and listen… (Edu does as he is told and almost immediately the room seems to darken as his master begins to weave his tale). Towards the end of my reign my powers, they began to fade. I had carried this club on my back singlehandedly for too long. I knew I needed rest but my enemies were everywhere. Lord Harris with his inane mutterings about standards and that insufferable snake Gazidis, offering support with one hand while wearing watches from sycophantic little pricks on the other! I knew that as long as Stan remained disinterested I could bide my time, replenish my strength. A few more months was all it was going to take for Kallstrom’s back to heal and for Santos to learn the basics of defending. Once Sanogo found his scoring touch we would have been unstoppable as an attacking force. Chambers and Jenkinson would have brought us a decade of defensive stability. All I needed was time!!! (Edu looks up and sees both frustration and madness in his master’s eyes, it is a hypnotic cocktail that endears him to him all the more). But then that little snivelling Daddy’s boy was given the keys to the kingdom (roaring) MY KINGDOM!!! And what does he do? What did that audacious little gobshite do?? He sacks me! Sacks me!! It was then I knew Edu that I would never rest until those Americans lay before me, begging me to return, praying for the day when I would once more lead this club to greatness. And now, at long last, my return beckons.
Edu: (Gingerly) But Master, how? Arteta’s position is growing stronger. If he finishes fourth he will be feted and rewarded with a new contract. His power will increase.
AW: (Smiling, a genuine Arsene Wenger smile) Ah my legendary reserve team captain. Still you do not see. History is our greatest ally, yet those who do not learn from it are doomed to repeat it. Think. If Arteta qualifies for the champions league next year, demands and expectations will rise. Scuttering home wins against Norwich and Watford will no longer sate the appetites of a fanbase whose desire for glory has been reawakened. No one knows this more than me. The greater the success I brought to this club the more magnified the failings became.
Edu: So, in coming fourth, he is in fact digging his own grave?
AW: Indeed. But he is clever. I believe he realised his mistake a few weeks back and began throwing games against Palace, Brighton and Southampton with a series of seemingly unfathomable selection and tactical decisions. He was determined to finish outside the top 4 but in qualifying for Europe he knew that enough of the fanbase would still see his work as ‘progress’. He would have succeeded in his perpetual lowering of standards and painfully slow series of improvements.
Edu: But Master, I still don’t see how you fit into all of this.
AW: Quite simple really, I pressed the fast forward button. Who do you think warned Chelsea and Manchester United that Arteta might be replaced if they didn’t throw those games?? Without him at the helm Arsenal could become a force in English football again. It was a risk they weren’t willing to take.
Edu:(Stunned): That’s genius…but, what about West Ham?
AW: Ah yes, well, when I told Moyes about my desire to…educate…Arteta, he was only too glad to help. Still felt a bit guilty over selling me the plastic Iniesta in the first place.
Edu: But what about the remaining games? How can you be sure he won’t deliberately fuck it up?
AW: There are no guarantees in football my deal making dunce but let me just say that my friends at PSG have empowered me to make a certain Mr Conte an offer he can’t refuse…if Spurs were to fall short of fourth of course!
Edu: My Lord, your wisdom is beyond reproach. Please know that I am yours to do as you will. I remain influential in transfers. Perhaps you would have orders for me in this area?
AW: No, my friend, I only ask that you continue to operate as normal…that should be more than enough until I return (begins to laugh, quietly at first, then louder as he exits through a hidden panel. Manic laughter can still be heard minutes later despite the distance and thick walls between them).
Edu: Well, so be it. But when I seal this deal for Mitrovic for 75million he better not come crying to me…(Throws the rabbits foot up in the air and grimaces in pain when, having failed to catch it, it strikes him in the eye. Exit.)
[Satire] is a collection of brilliance from one of our readers Almuniasaynomore, who can be seen lurking in comments often. If you are a gooner by heart, is saddened by the current state of Arsenal Football Club, this section tries to have a laugh at expense of some.
If you feel offended, remember, they’re just jokes. We’re all gonna die soon and there’s no football in hell or heaven, so remember that.
Feedbacks are welcome in the comments!
Almunia
You keep excelling yourself. Rabbit’s foot to Rabbit’s foot – the sign of a skilled writer mate.
Plastic Iniesta or Pedestrian Paced Everton reject. Which one? I love them both so cannot decide.
And that roll call of absolute loons that Wengo signed nearly made me spew my afternoon custard cream. What the fuck was he playing at?
My man, I know how long these take to write and conceive. I’m really grateful you put them on here. I’m impressed.
This is too funny,I used to read you on legrove all the time. Can’t believe you are back writing again,brilliant stuff!
My dearest Almunia, you are a master of winsome words and it is a pleasure to indulge in your creations. love your titles for the leading characters.
Edu – bumbling Brazilian buffoon / deal making dunce
MA – pedestrian paced Everton reject
Josh – sniveling Daddy’s boy
I share the feeling that while a certain success by MA is a reprieve from the dull last 5 years but greatness to lead AFC where they belong title contenders year in year out if a pipe dream under present leadership. The summer TW will reveal to some extend what can be expected for the next season.
Here is one of my great fears that AFC has been reduced to a feeder club aka Dortmund. As soon as young talent has caught the eyes of Europe’s top elite clubs they are gone. Talks have it that Gabriel, Saka, Martinelli and ESR are on the radar of the elite clubs and I see no way to protect that investment when World class managers, money, glorious history and yearly title contention of elite clubs come calling for them.
It’s a privilege hosting Almunia’s piece at London Is Red.
While posting these, I stop after every para for a good laugh first 😅
Magic
Welcome! There are some more if you haven’t found it yet – https://londonisred.com/category/satire/
Killroy
It would be a challenge to keep our promising players, even bigger than paying release clauses and bringing someone.
We will get to know how well Edu and Arteta deal with it. Under no circumstances should Saka, Martinelli, ESR, Ode, Ramsdale to name a few should be allowed to leave.
There’s a good crop coming out of academy in Patino, Azeez etc.
I’m shouting for city here. Pool are favs now in my eyes but I think city at least have a decent chance to beat them. Liverpool destroy Madrid imo. Still,the form Benzema has been in I wouldn’t be confident I’ll get my wish!
Don’t want to be a conspiracy theorist but Casemiro not getting booked there is one of the most blatant pieces of interference by a ref I’ve seen in a long time.
Bollocks. Can see liverpool running that Madrid team ragged. City better win the prem……
For me this is what would attract a player and not necessarily in that order.
1. History of the club and their fan/supporter base, local and global. (Players Instagram followers will dramatically increase if you play for a top club which means money. Ronaldo makes a cool million every time he does a post on Instagram with 170+mill followers.
2. Who are my team mates and will they make me better? (Having KDB in the team will guarantee a striker service)
3. Who is Manager? (It is clear that World Class managers will attract World Class players)
4. What type of European Football is on offer? (UCL is a must for AFC to attract top players)
5. Money and wages. (For young players not that important, but for those in their prime or world class before prime)
6. Finally the home base. What is the culture like, what is the food like, are there attractions around is it one of the top locations that attracts tourists and has a pleasant atmosphere. You can see readily where the attraction is in London versus Newcastle.
Don’t have to repeat where AFC is needing a real improvement. Plus only us who are way past the sell by date are remembering the glory days of the invincibles.
Killroy,
Yes you’ve covered most of the main features there but it isn’t comforting from our perspective. 2,3,5 are problematic. 4 is undecided. Not sure 6 is the big sell it once was,these guys can get on a plane and be anywhere and back in a few hours. All we really have is 1. And that’s beginning to creak…
Almunia,
Point 1 is definitely creaking because the history of greatness is approaching 20 years ago which means that those in their late 30s and 40s may be drawn to it but the global audience that DO NOT remember AFC’s history is even greater.
The only way I can see 2, 3, 5 being eliminated is with change of ownership and who knows when that will happen.
For point 6 I was thinking more about, like weather and food and the cultural surroundings. LT is happy in Italy but didn’t like London and the UK and that might be the case with others. There has to be a reason why the Italian clubs and Spanish clubs draw talent to their league besides money and legacy.
Anyhow hope that after our next game we will be 5 points ahead of Sp*ds. How about City doing a total Arsenal implosion yesterday that defeat has to be on the same level as Bayern lost against United in the UCL final.
Killroy,
If you think back to the first half of the home game it gets even worse for city,they threw away so many chances. It must be gut wrenching for them,not that too many neutrals will shed a tear.
Pretty sure pool do spurs ,reckon we win our game 9 times out of ten. Fingers crossed……
Pretty much agree with all your points Killroy.
Re : 1. History of the club – it’s probably the recent history that matters, not what happened almost 20 years ago. Under Wenger, french players loved Arsenal and legend TH14 made everyone in france wear an Arsenal jersey.
Can you imagine that happening now? A player like Saliba who was basically a nothing a season back is choosing OM in place of Arsenal.
If we don’t win, it’s going to get worse. You, or me, or few of us who come together here are Gooners for life, but not having a trophy will cause a detrimental effect in global following.
Top 6 is not a trophy. Top 4 is not a trophy. Winning PL or CL or even a Europa/FA cup is a trophy.
“A few more months was all it was going to take for Kallstrom’s back to heal and for Santos to learn the basics of defending. Once Sanogo found his scoring touch we would have been unstoppable as an attacking force. Chambers and Jenkinson would have brought us a decade of defensive stability.”
Funniest thing ever read for some time now. Thanks Almunia, you really made my day. To have the privilege to read this first thing Friday morning, with tons of beers planned later and the weekend coming…., wow! Thank you. The creativity shown in the theme, irrespective of Arsenal coming through either 3 consecutive defeats or victories is simply awesome.
Hi Ambarish
There might be a small technical difficulty on the site. The pre-populated boxes at the bottom with names and email addresses have all gone back to zero on the version I’m seeing.
Looks fine as of now, but something’s breaking from last week since I tweaked the fonts and made it readable.
A typical IT guy breaks more things than fixes it lol 😎
Almost Friday, I will have plenty of time to check and fix, bear with me for a day.
Oh and I deleted your previous comment guessing you didn’t mean to post it other than with Kroenkephobe alias.
Feel free to comment again if I’m wrong there.
Cheers Ambarish
Yeah mate. That’s cool. Better for me to repost than for other LiR Gooners to know I’m a senior member of Arteta’s backroom team! I don’t think it’d do much for my job security.. 😀.
My brothers all support Liverpool as do half the football followers I know. When Klopp signed a new contract last week my phone was flooded with all kinds of msgs and WhatsApp clips and memes capturing their delight and slagging me as they celebrated the news.
Arteta has just signed a new deal. Already my phone is buzzing with msgs and WhatsApp clips and memes capturing their delight and slagging me as they celebrate the news.
What more can I say??
Almunia,
Can we expect a story about the new contract? Maybe laughing at it might ease your pain? (And I just really want another story)
Magic,
Might have to try the aul humour therapy alright. I’m a bit too depressed right now,we’ve just been told that as Arsenal fans our owners feel the club has,in the last three years, achieved it’s targets. Fuck me.
Fuck me… The cunts running (ruining?) this club have completely lost their minds. Another backward step which makes winning major trophies even less attainable. I’m struggling to process this little shit nugget of news. Madness.
Almunia
You’re right. Fans of rival clubs will be rubbing their hands together on hearing the news. It’ll increase the probability that they’ll win more trophies because Arsenal will be weakened. They and all the swamp dwellers on le grove and unsold anusol will be rejoicing together. Grim.
Kroenkephobe,
I’ve been dreading this, it doesn’t bode well for what Josh considers Arsenal’s required levels of success need to be. I’m a bit sad about it all really.
Was going to have a rant but:
“Fuck me… The cunts running (ruining?) this club have completely lost their minds”
Pretty much covers it the only thing that needs to be added is the number of fans who will be happy with it.
When Saka goes to City to replace Sterling, Martinelli goes to Liverpool and ESR just fucks off to get away from Arsenal all while Xhaka gets another contract extension making him the highest paid player in the clubs history the fan boys will be making more excuses for Arteta.
I really hate the cunt.
Almunia
I agree. What is it about Arsenal that makes the club’s hierarchy settle for such mediocrity? No other major English or European club with even modest pretensions would effectively create a sinecure for a rookie manager who despite delivering an FA cup success, has served up turgid, erratic football that looks a million miles away from well-run outfits like LFC, City and others in Europe.
And then there’s the moolah which is the sole reason for kroenkes’ involvement. Big capitalists afraid to take a risk and get proper leadership at the club. Those arses up the road in N17 look more ambitious and confident than we do.
The one step forward, two steps back passion less, corporate bollocks are viruses that infect the club. We should finish fourth this season but no one’s too confident. It could just as easily happen that we miss out to Spurs because the margins are so fine.
And what’s with the fucking urgency? They should at least have linked his extension to coming 4th. Are they seriously worried that he’d be poached given all the terrible moments while he’s been manager. A truly fucking awful decision.
They’re all a shower of wankers and today’s announcement stands to make us an utter joke. I felt exactly the same way when late Wengo had his various extensions and pay increases.
Just watched the BBC Documentary “Kicking Off The Rise and Fall of the Super League” and the handwriting is clearly on the wall, Arsenal’s owners have no ambition to take the club anywhere as long as the bottom line and the prestige that comes with it is acceptable.
Here is the positive side, for me there are at the moment perhaps 4 managers that have the pick of clubs and have enough credibility to not be fired, Zidan, Pep, Klopp, Simeoni and Flick.
I might have missed some but all other managers will go the route that is destined for them, contract termination and new manager. When that will be the case for Arteta, I don’t no but his history so far tells me it is bound to happen. In the meantime grin and bear it.
All told, he still feels to me like the worst, most petty, amateurish manager we’ve had since I started following the team during Bertie M’s reign. The extension suggests the club will be going nowhere in terms of returning to the top.
Dry your eyes mate, I know its hard but the clubs mind has been made up…3 more years and the clubs mind has been made up
Great news for the club and it’s delicious that certain arsenal ‘fans’ wanted the club to do badly to get rid of the manager. How very sad.
Try enjoy the ride boys or you’ll be very upset these next few years….
Rambinho
No one wanted Arteta to fail in first place. We don’t care if it’s Arteta or Emery or Wenger, if we see some good football and competitiveness to win trophies, we will support even a mannequin.
Club has made it’s mind, yes. I don’t care if they are right or wrong, as a fan, I am entitled to see us competing for trophies which has not happened in last 2.5 years under Mikel. If he delivers in next 3 years, trust me I will be more happier than you.