January, 2023. Under the guidance of Mikel Arteta and his DOF, Edu, Arsenal have risen to the top of the premiership table. But despite this Lazarus-type resurrection nobody at the club was taking anything for granted. The intensity of competition amongst England’s elite clubs was reflected by the awareness amongst Arsenal’s leaders that this was no time for self congratulation. Instead, the opening of the transfer window presented the club with an opportunity to strengthen a squad that many felt would not last the distance against the two Manchester giants and a growing threat in England’s North East.
It was under these circumstances that the People Responsible for Arsenal’s Transfer Strategy (P.R.A.T.S) assembled in the pristine and hallowed surroundings of Arsenal’s boardroom.
As the scene unfolds before us, a clearly upset and emotional Mikel Arteta is standing before the others, demanding answers. The intensity of his emotional trauma is clearly evident in the two hairs above his left ear which are no longer perfectly aligned with the rest. The Arsenal manager is incandescent with rage.
MA: I will ask you this one more time and one more time only. How the fuck did we lose him?
(There is a palpable silence as Arteta slowly shifts his gaze from one person to another, daring them to speak yet challenging them not to. Only goalkeeping coach Inaki Cana returns his stare though in truth it isn’t clear if he even sees Arteta from behind his dark shades. The silence grows in tandem with the manager’s rage)
And not just lose him, but lose him to those chav bast*rds! What the fuck do they have to offer that we don’t? I mean am I missing something here? (Turns to his assistant manager Steve Round) Steve, who’s top of the league?
SR: We are boss.
MA: Exactly! And Edu who plays attractive football with an attacking and vibrant style?
Edu: (nervously) We do boss?
MA: Exactly!
(Edu wipes his brow and smiles in relief)
MA: (turns to chairman and son of owner Josh Kroenke) And Josh, who’s offering this Ukranian kid a chance to play in London and earn more money that he can dream of?
JK: Chelsea.
MA: No! No!! No!!! (starts jumping up and down while somehow simultaneously beating his fists on the table) We are! We’re top dogs in London now! He should have joined us! (An accusing look appears in his eyes once more) Something smells fishy here.
IC: (Defensively) It can be difficult for the visually impaired to maintain a regular bathing routine you know.
MA: (slowly, menacingly) I was referring to the failed transfer. Somebody here is keeping secrets. (once again his icy stare sweeps across the room, withering all in it’s wake, uncovering the most deeply buried skeletons.. one by one each member succumbs to Arteta’s power)
SR: It was just once boss and I swear the doctor told me the stockings would improve my circulation.
IC: It was a freezing winter that year, sheep can bring great warmth to a bed.
RG: You don’t understand, I had been a very, very bold boy, I HAD to be punished.
(Watching in horrified awe Josh Kroenke hurriedly whispers to Edu)
JK: For the love of God, tell him. If he turns that look on me who knows what I might say? Twins don’t have to be two girls, I mean, who knew?
Edu: (Equally uncomfortable) You’re right. The time has come. (in saying this Edu looks directly at a painting on the wall of legendary Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger and with an almost imperceptible nod he sends a signal that had long been planned. Turning to Arteta he addresses him with gentle but firm words)
Mikel, there is something we need to tell you. I think you should sit down.
MA: Not you as well, you sound like that c*nt Richard Keys. I can’t sit down for 90 minutes and still look this good (he lifts his t-shirt to reveal chiselled abs) Those carbs aren’t going to burn themselves you know.
Edu: I’m not talking about during the game, I mean now. You should sit down now.
JK: Yeah Mike, we gotta talk. Pops sent Ricky (points to Stan Kroenke’s lawyer Richard Garlick) over here a few months ago with some pretty bad news. We didn’t have the heart to tell you.
MA: Tell me? Tell me what?
JK: It’s gone Mike.
MA: Gone? What’s gone?
Edu: (wearily) The money. The blank cheques. The magic porridge pot.
JK: Pops has pulled the plug on the unlimited funding. He was, like, bummed. Kept talking about profits and sustainability and shit. Kept going on about Arsenal being a business. Weird shit I tell you. I tried to explain that this (expands both arms to take in his surroundings) is a football club not a business but he wouldn’t see sense. Man was tripping.
MA: (speaking slowly, an air of disbelief resonating with every word) So what happens when I give multi million contracts to players like Aubameyang and Willian and then decide I don’t like them anymore? Surely I can just pay them to fuck off?
RG: Mr Kroenke was clear. You’re not to do that anymore.
MA: What?? (becoming angry) Does he think I’m bloody clairvoyant? How am I meant to know if these players are going to be worth the money or not?
JK: (soothingly) We know Mike, it’s madness.
MA: (unmoved by the solace on offer) And how the hell does he think I’m going to continue developing this team if I’m not given hundreds of millions each year to buy new players?
Edu: (visibly moved) It’s cruel, we know.
MA: And what about project youth? Did you explain to him how I have given away our team for a pittance and replaced them with expensive young players? Surely he sees the value in this?
JK: I’m afraid not Mike. He said that people who unearth diamonds don’t do it by walking into High Street shops and offering even more money than the robbing jewellers are already charging.
MA: (confused) What does that even mean?
Edu: (hands spread wide) Fu*ked if I know.
RG: (Coughing softly) Ah gentlemen, if I may? Mr Kroenke has been most clear. You are free to spend the proceeds of any player sales that you complete but you will be expected to limit your spending in future to money generated from the club’s incomes. However as a gesture of good faith he has instructed me to forward you the sum of £40 million pounds to help with the purchase of any targets you may have.
MA: (Optimistically) £40 million? (looks to Edu) How much can we raise in sales?
Edu: (Takes out a pocket calculator and with professional intensity casts his tongue out of the side of his mouth and begins mumbling) Let me see, sale of Leno…Guendouzi…Bellerin…Auba… (his muttering becomes inaudible as all present strain to hear him. Finally, triumphantly, he finishes and declares) £21 million!!
MA: (appeased) Ok then, we combine the two and we have £61 million to play with. We can do something with that.
Edu: (Embarrassed) Eh, not exactly boss. £21 million is what we have left over from the £40 million gift. By the time we pay Ozil’s wage and Auba’ ‘going away’ gift it’s all we’ll have left.
MA: £21 fucking million. What the fuck are we going to get for that? I spend more than that in one year on Carribean Seaweed Eyebrow nourisher. We’re ruined. (As he speaks the following lines he slowly folds in upon himself until he finishes on his knees, head bowed) My dream of proving to the world that I could take a team of expensively assembled misfits and by casting them aside at great cost and replacing them with a team costing hundreds and hundreds of millions I could somehow build this club a better football team is over. (With theatrical reflection) Little Arsenal in the champions league. Perhaps I dreamed too big.
Edu: (whispering and elbowing JK simultaneously) Tell him!
JK: (A little too loudly) No fucking way man, you tell him!
MA: (Rising up from the floor) Tell me what? Tell me what???
RG: If I may? Mikel, Mr Kroenke is nothing if not an astute businessman. He anticipated some months back that his new fiscal policy would cause you some…difficulty. He was also aware that the January transfer window would prove an unsettling time for you given your…fondness…for parting with his money. As such, some months back he took steps to find support for you during this period of policy transition.
MA: (a mixture of suspicion and anger in his voice) Support? What kind of support??
RG: (Remaining perfectly composed) Mr Kroenke thought it prudent for the club to seek the services of a man experienced in the area of financial conservatism…for the time being at least.
(With almost impeccable timing a knock is heard at the door which slowly opens, drawing the eyes of everyone present. Slowly, magnificently, the unmistakable figure of Arsene Wenger, resplendent in a long puffer Arsenal parka enters the room, a man whose very presence seemed to radiate command. He turned and smiled in his own inimitable manner, his lips never parting as he beamed his hellos. The reaction of those present varied from shock to outright elation. Hands immediately reached for zippers as a homage to this footballing God, but a raised grey eyebrow was enough to warn them against revealing their identity in this company. Arteta however, having been momentarily dumbstruck, began to struggle to verbalise his thoughts).
MA: What the ..who.. why? What is he doing here?
AW: Mikel, you must not look on me as a threat to your reign here. I have merely returned to offer you my support and what little wisdom I can to guide you through these difficult times. But I can assure you the reins of power are still firmly in your hands (as he speaks he ushers a cowering Josh Kroenke from his seat at the head of the table and seamlessly replaces him in the chair). I will be a mere shadow, only appearing when called upon.
MA: (Pointing at Wengers jacket where the word B.O.S.S has been sewn in large letters in the left corner.) What the hell is that then?
AW: (Points to jacket) This? Why, this is merely a reflection of my new role as Bestower of Special Services. Think nothing of it.
MA: (Unamused. Looks at the others in the room) And I suppose you all knew of this before me?
JK: (Speaking quickly, attempting to mitigate the damage) Only out of necessity Mikel. You were so busy with the team. And Arsene has already had some fantastic ideas which have helped us enormously.
MA: (Still annoyed) Already? What do you mean already?
AW: Mikel, we are on the same side you and I. The fans, they love you. We must not risk that.
MA: (Arteta, his ego stroked, responds more willingly) Well, what do you suggest?
AW: We must put our faith in FFP.
MA: (disconsolately) Financial Fair Play is a myth, a joke. Pep used to laugh at it all the time. It won’t help us.
AW: What is this financial fair play you speak of? I am referring to a plan I created almost twenty years ago…Feigning Financial Power.
MA: (Showing interest) How does it work?
AW: (Smiling as he recognises his influence growing) Oh, it’s quite simple really. We leak word to the press of our interest in all the top players, we even go so far as to bid outrageous sums of money for them.
MA: (Beginning to understand) So the fans will think we are dining at the top table?
AW: Of course. Ronaldo, Ibrahimovic, Benzema, Hazard, Mbappe. I have ‘courted’ them all.
MA: (slowly realising the truth) So it was you who gave the green light for the 90 million Mudryk package? But you never intended paying a penny did you?
AW: Of course not. I wouldn’t pay that for a small country.
MA: But what would you have done if the offer was accepted?
AW: (smiling) Simple. Insult the player with a ridiculously low wage offer.
MA: And if that doesn’t work?
AW: Then I make a call from line 3 in the manager’s office.
MA: (Confused) line 3?
AW: It’s bugged. Every word I say is heard by the top brass at Chelsea.
MA: (Scratching his head) Then why use it?
AW: Because I tell them what I WANT them to hear. (Chuckling) I’ve had great fun over the years. I rang David Dein one day begging him to buy Adrian Mutu, said he was going to replace Thierry (starts giggling at his own joke). Or the time I rang Gerry Peyton and told him to scout Kepa, said he was the next Casillas! (Lost in thought) Funny thing was Gerry agreed… I still don’t remember telling him about the ruse. (Shakes his head). Of course Alex was in on it too. They had his office bugged as well. We still laugh about the time he rang me ‘desperately’ trying to offload Juan Sebastian Veron before Chelsea came sniffing. (starts guffawing at the memory) He was in a Chelsea kit before the week was out!!
MA: So you orchestrated this entire Mudryk saga?
AW: (Steepling his fingers together and slowly peering over the top of them). But of course.
MA: And the fans believe we really tried to buy him but we’re gazumped by Chelsea or rejected by a greedy player?
AW: Precisely.
MA: But the fans? They’ll still want fresh blood.
AW: We then move to phase 2. Have you a crowd favourite who has been out injured for a while?
MA: (thinking) Well there is Smith Rowe.
AW: Wonderful. Reintroduce him at the end of some meaningless match. Announce his return as better than a new signing.
MA: The fans will buy that?
AW: (eyes glittering) Absolutely.
MA: Then what?
AW: Phase 3, Misdirection. Take the high ground. Start talking about ‘The Arsenal Way’. ‘We don’t buy superstars we make them’. That kind of nonsense. Just keep pointing at City and Chelsea for long enough that the fans forget that your team cost the same to assemble as a NASA space shuttle while your mistakes cost more than Jurgen Klopp’s dental bill. Let jealousy of our rivals be your ally.
MA: (delighted) This could really work!
AW: Believe it my friend. And then finally stage 4. The gift.
MA: The gift?
AW: Yes. Having destroyed the supporters levels of expectation you can then present them with literally any piece of shite and they will fall over themselves in gratitude. (Starts chuckling at the memory) I remember one year I has convinced the fanbase we couldn’t afford petrol for the lawnmower. When I presented them with 3 of the worst players I’ve ever signed the fans hailed me as a messiah! Santos, Park and (Suddenly realises what he’s about to say)… and… and it’s guaranteed to work.
MA: (Feels like he’s missed something but is unwilling to admit it) Ok then. I’m in. But I’m warning you, I won’t broker the slightest undermining of my authority.
JK: Absolutely Mikel. You are king of all you survey, no-one doubts that. Nothing will change. Nothing at all.
AW: (humbly) Mikel, you won’t even know I’m here.
(At this all rise and Arteta and Wenger move towards the door)
Edu: Goodbye boss.
MA and AW simultaneously: Goodbye.
[Satire] is a collection of brilliance from one of our readers Almuniasaynomore, who can be seen lurking in comments often. This section tries to have a laugh at expense of some.
If you feel offended, remember, they’re just jokes. We’re all gonna die soon and there’s no football in hell or heaven, so remember that.
Feedbacks are welcome in the comments!
We will get to see how we bounce back sooner than we expected.
Dire performances all over the pitch because we carry Chaka and then Jorginho.
We deserve our loss if we can’t find an equaliser.
White should have been subbed at half time like at United.
Everton 1 Arteta 0
Classic re-run of the manager-inspired defeat, hugely reminiscent of crunch time last season. Xhaka was like an enemy within today. Abysmal to lose to a piss poor club like Everton.
Beaten by heart, energy and belief. That and shit selection and subs by Arteta.
K’phobe, its a game we could ill afford to drop points to. City will have hard on for Spuds tomorrow and reducing the gap.
LG’s bin is going to be busy as Pedro spins the loss.
KP Ireland look the most mobile I’ve seen them pace wise.
Ireland/France games will be crackers in both cups. Kiwis and Springboks will be asking big questions in the WC Foyt sure.
Well that was certainly covered in sauce.
Making exact like for like subs – 2 of them defensive when we needed a win. To take Partey off if he wasn’t injured is criminal.
Tony
Blind effeminate fanboys like Pedro and all of his shitty guises are one of the reasons why Arsenal suffer and tolerate losses like this, albeit a relatively small reason. Rolling over and being supine when it really matters is ingrained in the minds of many people connected with the club, chief among them Arteta. That kind of loss never happened in GG’s time. Sure, we post many games but never without some fight.
I have a deep hatred of Everton. I’m still hoping their relegation is a sure thing. Beating that Arteta led team of lightweights today does not guarantee their survival by any means.
Meanwhile in the millennium stadium no new manager bounce for Gatland and Wales. That said, Ireland look like proper contenders.
To take Partey off if he wasn’t injured is criminal.
Marc I’d just finesse that point to say
to take TP off if he wasn’t injured and leave GX on is criminal.
Wales restarting after the try with a penalty. Never seen that. Is that a new law Tony?
Didn’t see it as watching the Manure Palace game. Sounds strange from what you described.
Will watch the Calcutta cup game after the United game.
this is one we will talk about if things go tits up come season’s end…what exactly has to happen for Xhaka to come off the f’ing pitch…today was readymade for Trossard to come on for Xhaka not Marts, as we needed to stretch their defences inside and out…we’re still the worst shooting team in Europe…like I said before, Jorginho didn’t come without assurances and he didn’t even make one forward pass of consequence…nothing like a TW bounce, which only seems apropos as the boys could see from the aggressive manner in which we conducted ourselves in the window that we’re all in it to win it LOL…I don’t think Everton has won since October, when will we ever learn…amateur hour bites us in the arse again
Here we go cracking atmosphere at Twickenham for the Calcutta Cup will lessen the dismal performance by AFC.
Kroenke
I’ll take your
“To take Partey off if he wasn’t injured is criminal.
Marc I’d just finesse that point to say
to take TP off if he wasn’t injured and leave GX on is criminal.”
and raise it with “To take off TP if he wasn’t injured and replace him with a clone of Xhaka should be a hanging offence”.
Kilroy, I’m out of touch with Borthwick’s new additions so will have to do some reading. Good game but we shouldn’t be testing new players in WC year. The odd one maybe. The 6 bNations and Trinnov nations will tell us much about the pecking order for the world cup.
6 Nations and there Tri Nations*
Just heard the Liverpool result – bloody hell.
Getting to a stage now where you wonder if Klopp can turn it around – no chance of top 4 so even the slim chance of Bellingham will be gone and they’ve got some aging players who are going to need replacing.
Fuck the AFC v Everton game this was what I wanted with Duhan MOM.
This Calcutta Cup matches in thrill & Intensity the 2019 game that ended in a 38 draw Saturday mood rescued after the AFC loss.
Killroy
Scotland deserved the win.
They had bigger hearts and much more determination. England are piss and getting weaker with each game. Their style of play is unrecognisable from the long period when they were consistently the best team in the NH. They’ll be fucked away in the World Cup.
Marc
Agreed. I’m folding. ♠️♥️♦️♣️
If Scotland beat Italy & Wales who got a thumping today it will come down to the games against France & Ireland one them I expect to win this tournament.
The weekend can be saved if the Spuds do us a favor and take points off City as WHU did from the bar codes.
Kroenke
It’s almost like he sat down and thought “what player could I sign that would push the fans who aren’t brainwashed over the edge?”
there’s simply no excuse for peeing down our leg today…lots of rest, his preferred squad available and the supposed TW boost, which should trump the managerial bump of a last place team, especially one who hadn’t won in 4 months…one of my chief concerns about settling in the window was that it seems impossible for MA to lure experienced players without providing them with significant assurances, similar to the whole Xhaka re-upping…if I was Marts I would have held off on signing that new deal until I saw how the whole Trossard gig sorted itself out…this is why you pursue more youthful, high ceiling recruits, as they’re less likely to make such potentially unreasonable demands on the club, so long as the money is right…we now find ourselves catering to “lesser” players simply because our managerial team couldn’t secure secondary, depth pieces without the Willian secret handshake…of course, I would think differently if Trossard replaced Xhaka, or if Partey remained on the pitch and took on Xhaka’s role then Jorginho played deeper in the hole…it might be just a blip in the road, but it feels a little different to me, especially with Brentford on the immediate horizon
Morning lads,
What a depressing morning to wake up to other than the sun is shinning and & Mrs T is in full depression busting mode having learnt the scores this morning from junior on his way to Kone practice.
I just can’t see Arteta & Edu learning from mistakes because a 14yo could have told you how Dyche would set up and execute his sole plan for the game yesterday.
I’m just guessing here, but having videos and players stats of Everton players would tell Arteta and his backroom staff the only way the game plan would play out of we let Dyche’s constant, quick collective pressing affect us. We needed a different tactic to the old tried and tested Arsenal process that’s getting stagnant and easy to slow down and break up now.
In short, Everton did to us what we did to Manure and Spuds before, and then we see Arteta and Albert Stuivenberg head scratching as if Everton were playing Total Football 2.0. They then compound their collective stupidity by playing Xhaka & Jorginho in midfield to combat the 5 zippy Everton midfielders who were running rings round the lonesome Partey all game while Xhaka was getting in the way in the final third giving away the corner their goal came from.
A pedestrian player in a fast tempo pressing side only to be joined but a slight faster pedestrian player.
Stuff of nightmares that: Jorginho and Xhaka in midfield, but for Arteta it was football fantasy in his football La La land. It’s Willian all over again whose cameo yesterday only confirmed why the Chavs were selling him and only Arteta could see Jorginho’s past glories were long wilted into plodding around the pitch, as a shadow of his former self.
Arteta was a slow MF but maybe he thinks his sloth like play is the way forward, and why he kept Xhaka and now has Jorginho. The supreme narcissist sees himself in both players who he sees as the proponents of the beautiful game Arteta so often refers to.
We’re back to the king’s invisible clothes again.
Funny thing is we just bought this 6’2″ lad with aerial and speed supremacy: broken records to boot that would have marshaled the 6 yard box area with Gabs in front of him. Aerially challenged White is a snowflake at corners knocked all over the place by his CB counter parts. Jacob would have at least put a good shift in at 6; his preferred position.
Has White finally decided he likes gaming better than football. Is he going to be our new Ozil? Taken off at half time abasing Manure and again taken off yesterday, which I feel should also have happened at half time. He’s off the pace and not a RB. Maybe that’s the problem and he realises Saliba is far better than he is.
Vieira looked more assertive when he came on, but that doesn’t in any way excuse playing Xhaka in the first place then doing the unthinkable and play Jorginho with Xhaka and taking off Party.
Not much else worth writing about while Arteta is doing our collective heads in.
Brentford next at home, so a tough game, but home form should rule to get the 3 points. More about that later.
What a shitty night last night’s full of potential turned into a sewer quagmire of utter shite.
Ten Hag the guy Junior and I wanted is doing exactly as expected with the club in turmoil being up for sale. He’s turning Manure round in his first full season and spending less money. They got their win against a dogged Palace.
Then to cap the early morning off England played like a Saturday afternoon local rugby club 2nds against a steadily rising, resilient Scotland side who made England look soft and completely underwhelming.
Borthwick has much to do for the world cup in 2027. This year we’ll likely be the whipping boys.
Carling said the RFU were full of old farts where another Old Fart: EmiratesStroller used to rave about how well Saracens were run and how Arsenal could learn a lot from Saras only for Sara to be found illegally wage capping or something and severely punished losing good players in the process.
Our much looked forward to a day of sport went tits up in spectacular style.
Anyone have much hope of Conte and Spuds getting a result at the toilet bowl?
Pep will want to leave his scent in north London, so I’m expecting a rout with Conte firmly looking for pastures new in the summer.
Finally, a groggy Pumpkin rightfully feeling sorry for himself will be home Tuesday with his talons pedicured as part of his pampering.
I don’t know about anyone else if I was going to have my nuts cut off I want more than a pedicure to cheer me up.
Enjoy your Sunday LIRers 🙂
Tony,
Calcutta Cup game went to my liking if you look at my posts to KP before the match I wanted Duhan to score a decent try racing down the channel and boy did he deliver. For me that saved the mood after the loss to Everton.
By now everyone knows how Dyche sets up his teams with the exception of Tets. Dyche has no money to throw around for star players so he gets the best out of the players he has, which means play a physical game and don’t let Arsenal play their game. He didn’t have the time to prepare the team properly and just demanded from the players to run disrupt Arseenal’s playing style until they fall over and did they deliver for their new manager.
How the fuck did Tets not see this coming and beefed up the midfield with that new Polish kid? Ode versus Tarkowski was a joke and Ode was bossed around. Everton disrupted our style of playing and once that became evident, MA should have changed tactics and players. BUT we all know Pep’s gimp is stubborn and will not make changes. By now everyone knows it is always only plan A and if plan A doesn’t work we try some more of plan A until it works or the event is over. It is like that in matches as well as the TWs.
I sincerely hope that the squad will get over this and get a win next Saturday against Brentford at home, but that is not a given one considering what Frank does at Brentford.
From the Athletic an interesting piece:
“Arsenal dominated possession but were restricted to an expected goals total of around 0.8. Everton’s, by contrast, was nearly double. Most of that came in the first half, but they did not panic at the break. Dyche asked his players for feedback and made only subtle tweaks, relying on his new blueprint to get them over the line. He sprang a surprise from the outset by setting up in 4-5-1 formation, not his usual 4-4-2. It was a smart move that helped his side congest central areas and match up against Arsenal’s midfield trio and inverted full-backs.
Doucoure, Onana and McNeil all covered more distance against Arsenal than any Everton player has done this season. Collectively, this was also the most distance Everton have covered in a game this campaign.”
As I suspected Dyche asked his players to run until they drop dead, but that never happened. Tets should also have know that every one of the past 5 Everton managers won their 1st game. Hopefully in May we will have CL games next season as I can’t see us winning the title with MA’s stubbornness and cluelessness.
Killroy, we’ll see how next week’s home bounce works out. Roller coaster football was year 1 & 2 with Arteta and I was hoping Arteta had grown out of it; sadly not it would seem.
The Scottish were excellent where it didn’t bother me losing to such a better side. The English RFU have a lot to answer for.
As for the title? It’s still Arteta’s to win or lose at this advantage point. As much as I try I can’t put last season’s capitulation out of my mind.
Yesterday was a very stark reminder of last season.
I’m going to enjoy the world cup as a neutral, in as much as, I want a northern hemisphere side crowned champions. So slightly biased.
The speedsters on show in the WC are going to make the rugby exhilarating for us all; neutral or otherwise.
Last season’s capitulation came down to one single event, if in the Jan TW they would have gotten Bruno G. instead of him going to Newcastle we would have won that game as he dominated us and we would have had CL, simple as that and YES it hurts.
As regards I too would love to see a NH team be crowned World Champions and with the Irish and French that is a distinct possibility.
Enjoy the rest of the weekend.