A secret office deep in the bowels of the Emirates stadium. With the season’s football having concluded it is time for the People Responsible for Arsenal’s Transfer Strategy (P.R.A.T.S.) to construct and unleash a decisive plan in the ongoing pursuit of a better Arsenal. Chairman Josh Kroenke sat at the head of the table joined by manager Mikel Arteta, D.O.F Edu, Assistant manager Steve Round and goalkeeping coach Inaki Cana. Providing both legal and financial oversight were C.E.O Vinai Venkatesham and lawyer Richard Garlick. If Arsenal was a living person this room would represent it’s brain. Arsenal would have struggled at school…
JK: Ok guys, it’s that time of the year again. We need to come up with a plan to keep pace with the mega rich clubs who have such an advantage over us.
Edu: (earnestly) But we’re in the top 10 richest clubs in Europe. Our fans fill out a 60,000 seater stadium every home game, paying top dollar for the privilege. Our owners are billionaires. What advantage have these other clubs over us?
VV: (Patronising) It’s complicated. Financial stuff.
RG: (Equally patronising) A legal minefield. These oil clubs have purchasing prowess in what is a buyers market. We, on the other hand, are limited by the naturally risk averse nature being adopted by our current owners taking into consideration the volatile nature not only of the transfer market but of the footballing industry in general.
Edu: You mean our owners won’t spend money?
VV: That would be it in a nutshell.
JK: (Index finger pointed to the sky in valiant ‘no surrender’ mode) Nonetheless we must find a way to keep competing with them. Not an easy thing to do I’m sure you’ll agree. (everyone nods in earnest agreement).
MA: Impossible I’d say.
SR: Ridiculously unfair.
Edu: (tentatively raises his hand and asks) Just to be clear here, when we say ‘competing’, what exactly do we mean?
JK: Why, ehm, it means we, eh, must eh…do our best!
MA: Yes! Avoid large defeats and narrowly defeat the whipping boys!
RG: Just being in the premiership reaps huge financial rewards, avoiding relegation IS a trophy!.
All: Hear, Hear!
SR: And a jolly good cup run!
MA: Well, yes, unless of course we’re focusing on the league.
IC: Or we could be focusing on Europe.
MA:Well, yes, unless of course we’re focusing on the next season.
All: (Raising their fists in the air) The next season!!!!
JK: (Still in ‘inspirational speech’ mode) City and Liverpool may have a head start but their day is coming to an end I promise you. Lost in the present, scrapping for glory and titles in the now, they haven’t have the vision to see what they MIGHT win in the future.
MA: (Sneering malevolently, continues the motivational façade). The fools, the fools, the fools, they have won the honours today, but what have they won in the future? Nothing!! When their team has aged our young team will be ripe and ready to peak!
Edu: But won’t our team be older in the future?
IC: (Wagging his finger knowingly at Edu) Yes my boy, but by then we’ll have the youngest oldest team in the premiership. We will be unstoppable!
(Great cheers emanate from the room)
Edu: But just because our players are young how can we guarantee that they will develop into world class players?
(Silence as the question threatens the bubble of ignorance that had enveloped the group)
And what if other teams simply regenerate with ready made, quality, mature replacements allowing them to continue their relentless pursuit of honours while we sit back waiting for a collapse from our competitors that’s never coming? (the silence becomes tension. JK is trying so hard to think that a little poo came out without him noticing. IC has found an abacus from somewhere and is busy working on some sort of calculation. SR has begun drawing pictures of footballs on the table in crayon in a desperate attempt to convey his thoughts on the matter. MA seems to have suffered a temporary breakdown as it dawns on him that his plan for future domination is flawed. He is running from one side of the room to the other gesticulating wildly and talking utter gibberish. It soon becomes apparent however that this is his normal method of communication. Only Vinai Venkatesham and Richard Garlick have remained calm throughout)
VV: Gentlemen, please, compose yourselves. This thought has also occurred to me before. I am not unprepared. I have a plan B.
MA: (The mere thought of a back up plan causes him consternation. His voice shakes, raised to the pitch of an excited teenage girl) You mean like bring on all our attackers and hope that somehow we get a goal despite now having no recognisable shape or pattern of play??
VV: (In the deep voice of the confident) No. Even better than that. It’s time we created a philosophy that shaped our decision making. A coherent strategy which aligns our thinking in terms of style, purchasing and planning.
Edu: (shocked) But, how would that possibly work? We would need to know in advance what we are trying to do!
MA: He’s right Vinai, this road leads to madness. How can we possibly know who’ll be left over after all the top clubs have bought the best players?
SR: Or which of our players we will or won’t have fallen out with by the end of the window?
IC: (Wisely) So many possibilities, it is arrogance to try to predict such imponderables.
JK: I’m with the guys on this one Vin, this future planning thing, sounds a bit hocus pocus to me. Goddamn it I’m so busy trying to work out what HAS happened, I don’t have time to think about the future.
VV: Gentlemen, please, we have to prepare ourselves for the possibility that ‘project youth’ will not succeed. We must adapt to survive.
MA: Well what do you have in mind?
VV: (Proudly) ‘Operation Doublespeak’.
JK: What in tarnation is that? Some kind of Irish language?
VV: No, no, doublespeak, not Dublin speak. It’s from ‘1984’.
JK: Ah, a modern language! Well that’s alrighty then.
SR: But what does it do?
VV: It will allow us to speak in the past, the present and the future, all at the same time. It means we are right even when we are wrong. It means we are succeeding even when we are failing! Think on it. If we can create a new project that is all things to all men we will be beyond criticism…untouchable.
MA: (Thrilled at the sound of such a possibility) I love it…even if I don’t understand it!
RG: That is exactly the point. If we cannot blind our fans with brilliance then we shall baffle them with bullshit! Mikel, you were hired as a generational talent right?
MA: (Arrogantly) But of course…
RG: And so we gave our fans hope. But when you failed to deliver…well, then you were a novice who needed time to learn on the job. And so we justified the false hope…
VV: Josh, every year you talk about us as elite and competing with the best, implying to the fans that title challenges are imminent.
JK: Absolutely.
VV: But then we highlight how the petrol clubs have created an uneven playing field in which it’s unfair to expect us to compete, thus removing any obligation to keep our promises!
MA: You mean like when I forced the staff to take a pay cut and seemed a paragon of fiscal virtue…before signing my huge new and improved contract?
VV: Exactly!
Edu: (growing excited) Or when I told everyone we were trying to sign Vlahovic as a statement of intent…and then begged Eddie to stay?
VV: (Clapping his hands with enthusiasm) Yes, yes, yes. We were trying to sign elite talent (winking at no-one in particular) but also promoting our hale enders.
SR: (Slowly comprehending) While all the time spending sweet fuck all…
VV: (Delighted that his idea is both understood and appreciated) Brilliant, isn’t it?
MA: (Still slightly confused) So ‘project deadwood’ and ‘project troublemaker’, they were really cost cutting exercises disguised to make the fans believe we were ‘progressing’ the squad?
RG: The very thing!
MA: Genius! We do what we want and sell it to the fans in whatever packaging they desire. I’m in! So what’s next?
VV: We do what we have always done, throw our hat in the ring for a few big named players, pacify the fans, then bring back our loan players and claim they’re like new signings.
SR: But won’t there be money for any new signings??
JK: (Reassuringly) Oh, sure. Pops said we can reinvest all the money we make on outgoings.
(All eyes turn to a rather sheepish looking Edu)
MA: Right, returning loan players it is then…
[Satire] is a collection of brilliance from one of our readers Almuniasaynomore, who can be seen lurking in comments often. If you are a gooner by heart, is saddened by the current state of Arsenal Football Club, this section tries to have a laugh at expense of some.
If you feel offended, remember, they’re just jokes. We’re all gonna die soon and there’s no football in hell or heaven, so remember that.
Feedbacks are welcome in the comments!
The watershed is the contract extension. It’s a tragedy which could fuck us for years.
Kroenkephobe,
It’s a real battle not to give up alright, I thought you could only have a toxic relationship with a person! You’re lucky to have other footballing avenues,my other go to,the international team,is just as bloody bad. Fully expecting the Scots to dance on our grave tomorrow.
Mayo up again tomorrow also,game they should win,so expect trouble! On at 6 but not sure if sky or the national broadcaster (RTE) have it. I think Bale ar Cardiff would be brilliant, you’ll quickly forget his past when you sample the weekly buzz he’ll bring to the stadium. I remember how quickly I suppressed my Keano hate when he joined Celtic( it quickly resurfaces once the ceasefire ends).
It’s actually worrying how large the void is without the hope ( albeit mostly forlorn) that the summer window used to bring. I might have to see a counsellor or increase my alcohol intake. Choices,choices……..
Your comments are precisely why I hate Arteta so much – Arsenal outside of close family are the longest relationship in my life, good friends have come and gone but Arsenal have been with me since I was 14 or 15 (I was a late comer) and Arteta has made me swing between rage and not caring.
It’s the not caring that makes me hate him so much how can one cunt do that in such a short period of time?
😊
A shit load of booze with mates, or an hour spent droning onto someone in an overheated room and you’re dying to fart. It’s gotta be the counselling!
I’ll see if that GAA is on sky tomorrow, but it looks unlikely. Have a top weekend mate.
Been reading the TW media comments and just realized why they offered Eddie a new contract. He may be the ONLY senior forward that AFC will have next season. There was high anticipation of getting a quality striker in but not having CL will make the prospective players think twice no matter how much money we offer.
To get a player into a club that does not have CL it takes convincing from the manager and the execs to come to the club. We have a manager who is shit at man management and player communication, so sweet talking someone to come is not going to happen. So we are left with Double Speak “Loan players returning” is what it will be for next season.
Killroy
Has Nketiah signed the new deal yet?
NO, his contract has officially expired he is free to talk to other clubs. Here are a few interesting quotes regarding the upcoming TW:
Edu spoke of a ‘plan’ ahead of the window opening. This raised expectations and any good plan will have contingencies.
Douche Edu and a plan is an oxymoron.
Edu told ESPN Brasil. “Maybe next season we can go to one or two players. Today we find a much more balanced squad. Our planning has already been done; it has already reached the owners.”
Translation KSE will not foot another TW like last summer and we have to scrape Championship clubs or lower tiers for additional players.
A total fuck up and with the 3 years on Arteta’s contract it is time for me to focus on Summer series, International Test matches and Autumn series Rugby matches. My interest in AFC will peak again when the dross has left and the garbage in the power corridors has been emptied.
Killroy and Marc
Arteta will surely have his Waterloo moment if – much as I want him to succeed – we have Flo Balogun leading the line for our first fixture, with Biereth on the bench. I’m becoming increasingly convinced that Arteta and Edu are enemies within. Massive Gooner twins, Pedro and Attwood (the King of unsold anusol) will be celebrating a further lowering of the average age of the squad after we’re destroyed by Fulham, Southampton and Leeds in our first three games.
Killroy
“Translation KSE will not foot another TW like last summer and we have to scrape Championship clubs or lower tiers for additional players.”
I’ll be honest I was shocked by the net spend last summer, never thought we’d spend anywhere near that after the losses incurred by COVD etc without major sales (stop laughing Kronkephobe).
If your comment is correct and I see no reason why it shouldn’t be then Arteta might be on thin ice. Chances are the spend last summer was a roll of the dice because Arteta promised CL football – the Kroenke’s gave Wenger 2 seasons to get back in the CL and sacked him when it was clear he wasn’t going to achieve it same for Emery.
We can only hope that Arteta is going to get the same treatment and then pray the Kroenke’s have the sense to put someone in at DOF (Overmars?) who can then do what we need.
Marc,
My read is that your line of thinking,while being logical and probably summarising the conditions that most managers work under,doesn’t unfortunately stand up to scrutiny. If Arteta was entering last chance saloon and needed to produce this year, why then did he get his new contract which,let’s face it, was signed and sealed on his american trip in the new year. Why allow him to continue devaluing assets or simply giving them away?
I genuinely believe that he was tasked with reducing costs as his first priority. Hence the wage cuts,player culls, squad reduction. Hand in hand with that was getting the fanbase to accept it so there would be no adverse publicity. They are the Kroenkes aims. Arteta is their stooge. We are the victims. Genuine elite level success is not on the agenda. It’s all spin.
Almunia
I think the new contract was given because at the time it looked like we had 4th sewn up – no doubt Josh had bought into the kool aid but he’s just seen £60 – £80 million knocked off next seasons turn over and that’s without the knock on’s in sponsorship deals etc. All of Arteta and Edu’s talk over taking a hit on outing players for nothing because we’ll be in the CL next season and everything will be great is suddenly very hollow.
Quite simply Arteta is the guy who always has an excuse why he didn’t perform it’s just how long before the Kroenke’s get pissed off with it.
Almunia
You watching? Beautiful goal (says me who’s watched 4 games in his life!) . Game fecking on!
Wahaaay! That secong goal was like Nayim lobbing Seaman at the Parc des Princes. Really good game. I enjoyed that. I guess you’re out on the piss watching/celebrating. 🍺Have a top Arsenal-free night Almunia.
Kroenkephobe,
There are very few teams like them, every single game is an epic. Not good for the heart though!
Kenny describing Ireland’s 3-0 victory against (almost equally lowly) Scotland does not strike me as sensible, nor a convincing strategy to help him remain in the job. It’s the kind of bullshit Arteta would utter after beating Accrington Stanley in round 4 of the Carabao Cup. Do you think he’s saved his skin Almunia?
… victory against Scotland as Ireland’s most significant result since 2015…
Sorry, omitted the important bit!
Kroenkephobe,
No,he’ll have to follow it up with a win in Ukraine and/ or Scotland and a convincing home win v Armenia and even then performances will matter also. Fluked wins won’t do it. The hyperbole is always worrying but what’s more worrying is how few see through it immediately. We at Arsenal know all about that as you’ve said. Is that the downside to social media? Everything is exaggerated and people accept that?
I’m getting a horrible feeling about this transfer window and next season. I know it’s speculation on who we’re being linked with but why are we looking to sign players from other PL teams? PL players are crazy expensive because no PL team needs to sell. We shouldn’t be signing any players from PL teams unless it’s a good deal – we’ve got limited funds because arsewipe fucked up the season and missed out on top 4. We should be buying a Tielemans before he’s played in the PL not after his value has sky rocketed.
The links to Jesus worry me as it screams another “cunning plan” from Arteta that’ll be shown to be a stupid idea by September.
On top of all of this I can see the World Cup causing issues but other managers dealing with it better.
Right now I can’t see top 6 let alone top 4 next season unless events and signings unfold very differently from what looks like happening.
Marc
It looks like that KSE has now put in place some accountability as all signings have to be approved by Tim Lewis Kroenke’s trusted lawyer in the UK. The expectations were high because Edu was saying there is a plan in place, targets have been selected and this has been presented to the owners and we now wait for the TW to open.
This had the fans in a very positive mood but that seems to have died down as the reality has hit home about the monetary situation. Besides pumping in money into the TW coffer, KSE still has to pay off salaries of players that are no longer with the club as well as expenses that have occurred. It is estimated that AFC is 90 million into the red.
On top of this we have Douche Edu and our Manager In Training (MIT) futzing around with the list of number 1 targets and what they would like to have come in. Meanwhile the other clubs get their business done. I do fear we will have nothing major coming in and I also share the idea we will be struggling next season to get European Football unless we win some of those cups.
Killroy
If money’s tight then why are we looking to buy in the PL where there’s a crazy premium on players?
Just says to me Arteta thinks he’s Pep (with his budget) and Edu is so subservient he does whatever Arteta says.
Lads, we’ve just signed Marquinhos. PL Trophy 2023 incoming.
Jamie
And swiftly followed by CL in 24. Hmmmm…
I think Arteta’s shot his bolt, not only with sane, honest fans but after failing to get 4th, I think the Krankies may finally have realised he’s a charlatan. Maybe this Tim Lewis character is starting to lift the lid on Arteta’s manifold weaknesses and they’re weighing up whether to stick or twist. 🙏
I’m trying to alleviate the pain by picking up on the cricket. Don’t know if that’s one of your interests but it should be fun at Trent Bridge today. I’d like to see England and Wales beat NZ, but the Kiwis are such a fair, hard-playing and likeable team. You getting much golf in this summer?
Is Bissouma to Spurs for 25 mill true? He’d be twice that if we bid.I’ve heard of the English tax but we seem to be living in the age of the Arsenal tax.
Almunia
Bissouma is a terrific player. If he were to go there, we’ll be in their shadow for fucking years.
Kroenkephobe,
Even the bbc are saying it,they don’t tend to report transfers unless they’re happening. Class player,only 25 mill. What are we doing in response? Watch this space!
Almunia
It’s very possible the Kroenke’s gave Arteta an advance on this seasons transfer budget last summer with CL qualification being required to release substantial additional funds. The new contract was given when it looked like it was all but assured and he fucked it up.
There have been a few stories about having to sell to buy – it wouldn’t be a surprise if we only have circa £30 million before sales.
The positive is a summer like that will see the end of Arteta.
Just got binned over at LG because of making some remarks regarding our amateurish way of doing TW business.
I have a sneaky idea that Douche Edu and our Manager In Training (MIT) are not making serious offers but insulting bids just to get TW mentionings in the media and exite the fans. They bid 60m Euros for Osimhen when De Laurentis paid 70m in 2020 which could go up to 80m with add-ons. Insulting the intelligence of others like the 40m+1 bid for Suarez.
Now the papers are saying the transfer of Bissouma to Spurs is close with a medical expected at the end of the week. Conte has been promised funds and players. We also are on a collision course with Spurs over Raphinia.
It is so clear the decision players will make, Conte or Arteta, CL or EL, a proven manger that gets trophies or a MIT.
If you ask a player do you want to join a rebuilding project or a squad that needs tweaking and has CL games, the answer is obvious.
It is my guess that at the end of the season the WC striker & the elite CAM that we were promised are nothing but spin and hot air because we are dealing with douche Edu and his MIT, amateurs at best.
Marc/ Killroy,
My instinct is that you are both right, the Kroenkes are not going to release unlimited funds to a managerial team that have done little to justify being trusted in the market place. But it’s too much to hope that they are going to start demanding accountability,that new contract has shattered my faith in the Kroenkes’ desire to return Arsenal to the top of the tree. I can’t take another false dawn! But certainly they shouldn’t be allowed to see out another season of inconsistent results and drab football.
Killroy,
It’s the partisan nature of the binnings that reveal the deterioration of that site. You can only be binned if you oppose Arteta. Support him and you can abuse anyone you want. That to me is the real disappointment. It’s beyond childish because it’s justified as preventing abuse while really it’s facilitating it by encouraging one perspective to ignore logic by bullying the other with insults and abuse supported by the censor in chief. Pity,was a wonderful place for humour and discussion for years. Speaking of intelligent humour,has anyone seen Rambihno since our end of season collapse? Am becoming concerned.
Having a real field day over at LG as they are in full accuse mode because of Bissouma and the other hopeful signings that now have others bidding for them, Spurs, Chelsea and United. It is so laughable the incompetence of the Board of Clowns because Emry wanted Nkuku as he was at PSG but the Board of Clowns blocked it and now the papers are publishing click bait where we are supposedly offering 100m for him.
Some of this shit you couldn’t even make up in your satires but Arsenal live and the P.R.A.T.S. are providing comedy gold. The Real Vieria Lynn was also binned as he also had logical arguments about our transfer strategies.
September 2nd will bring everything to light but I really don’t have a lot of hope for an Arsenal squad that can get into top 4.
Tony after weeks of absence just did a lengthy post on LG and it was promptly deleted as it didn’t match the agenda as well as the narrative. That site now has become something to go to more and more infrequent then ever.
le-grove has been a joke for years. Pedro has the thinnest skin in the blogosphere.
Any hint of apathy towards Arteta and his generational credentials results in being binned or having his half-dozen sycophants screaming abuse at you for not being a genuine supporter like they are. It’s always ‘wait and see’ with them as if the present doesn’t matter. That’s how you write off 3 years of failure with a straight face.
Mention Conte and you’ll be instantly accused of being a Spurs fan in disguise. Funny how when Poch was in charge up the road, Pedro repeatedly wrote about how his next job would be for an elite club because he was an elite manager, just you wait.
Praising Poch at the time was totally fine though. 2 years later and he’s been binned off by the same club who sacked Unai. Not a peep about it from Pedro. One of his many hot takes that are absolutely comical today.
It’s a shame so many reasonable folk still post there every day. They’d be better served commenting on another blog (LiR) and let le-grove become an echo chamber of a handful of shitwit posters all desperately vying to be Pedro’s best internet pal.
Some sad shit, boys. What happened to him.. I think he’s really feeling the heat of dumping all his blogging currency on the success of Arteta. He needs Tets to succeed this season, or he’ll look an absolute dope.
Killroy
Pedro is biting the hand that feeds him. He’s nowhere near as clever as he thinks he is. I congratulate you on being banned. You, TRVL, Andy and a handful of others have been sticking it to him convincingly. He’s running out of alter egos because they’ve all been exposed and destroyed.
I used to really enjoy Tony’s commentary and we struck up a virtual friendship of sorts. His opinions are well made and generally sound. How can we persuade him to get a free transfer in the off season over to here?
It won’t be long before Nigel Tuffnut and equally odious pocket hardman Zacharse are asked by Pedro to turn the light off on their way out, therefore leaving Pedro to enter into a pissing contest with Attwood over who can brown-nose Arteta most effectively. Le Grove is now a non-Arsenal, non-pluralistic forum for cult (phew, glad I spelt that right) worshippers fond of maximum reverb in their echo chamber. Its a symptom of a club that is fucked that they simply cannot see that there is another far more persuasive narrative about where the club really is.
I don’t even think they’re Arsenal fans. I simply don’t recognised them from the hundreds of home and away games I attended with proper Gooners over the years.
Jamie,
I’d imagine that ,starting with the WOB v AKB, we have become a very divided fanbase and if anything the splits are becoming more pronounced. The two Arteta factions are bitterly opposed which has led a lot of supporters to take things personally. Putting the manager ahead of the club is a very weird but distinctly Arsenal thing to do. I’m really hoping that once Arteta goes someone like PV4 or Overmars upstairs comes in and unites the fanbase again,regardless of onfield results. We badly need to heal the wounds. Too many people have lost their way in this ‘cult of the personality’ era. Time to get everyone rallying around the club again.
Waiting for September 2nd when this reminder will go on LG quoting Peds.
https://le-grove.co.uk/2022/06/11/arteta-raging/comment-page-1/#comment-2895487
Pedro
June 12, 2022 00:07:39
“Diss, come back at the end of the summer when we have spent a load of money again.
Leeds, we’ve been producing players that could get us good fees for years. We just need to get sharper on contracts and loan deals so these kids are valuable when they leave.
1. Remember, you have zero insight into the club, and I do”
Have put this in the calendar for September 2 to remind him of his presumptuous statement when he will stare in total disbelieve at the squad and have his positive spin device working overtime.
Check out his twitter link that he posted after the Newcastle loss where he was roasted. Comment of the thread was:
“Were you an Arsenal Supporter before your brain injury?”
https://twitter.com/LeGrove/status/1526609838914019329?t=1tEtixTY_cL7Cift1r8wrw&s=19
Ambarish,
Let me know if you prefer not to post links or modified links that don’t get parsed for awaiting moderation. Good to be here.
Killroy
I’m not sure why it went to moderation, probably the commenting system detected it as a promotion. I have approved that and have no problems with links.
Free speech and free beers are great things, at least we can achieve one here 😉
Pedro is just showing what a complete cunt he is in real life. People put on personas but under pressure the real person comes out.
He went all in on Arteta before he was appointed, then started attacking Emery before a ball was kicked, attacked anyone who he saw as being involved in the recruitment of Emery and has since got worse.
His credibility has complete gone and he’ll never get it back – it’s also possible what he’s doing will creep into his professional life because employers today look into people’s online behaviour.
He brought it all on himself.
Sorry if it contradicts anyone, it’s only just a personal opinion. There could be a genuine believe in Arteta or it’s just a banter that guarantees traffic.
Social Media culture has developed one thing – the more controversial you are, the more you get importance. Any negative publicity, at the end of day, is a kind of publicity.
I have never spoken against another blog or writer here out of respect to the blogosphere and I will keep it that way. I can’t expect the same from anyone though, but ‘apathy and ignorance’ goes long way.
Almunia is hell bent on saving my arse 😀
Another one from him – https://londonisred.com/no-time-to-dye/ .