The boardroom, Emirates stadium. A beautifully and tastefully decorated room in the traditional style. A red carpet, immaculate as the day it was first laid contrasts the cool cream walls, adorned with portraits of all Arsenal’s previous chairmen on one side and previous managers on the other.
In the immediate aftermath of Arsenal’s meek surrender on Tyneside the Brotherhood of Arsenal’s Sincere Trusted And Really Dedicated Servants (B.A.S.T.A.R.D.S) were holding a hastily arranged assembly. In attendance were the greatest footballing minds that this legendary club had to offer, chairman Josh Kroenke, chief executive Vinai Venkatesham, lawyer Richard Garlick, manager Mikel Arteta, D.O.F Edu, Assistant manager Steve Round and goalkeeping coach Inaki Cana. The only member missing from the original committee was Doris the tea lady, a victim of the great cull of January ’22 when Edu negotiated her departure to Big Bill’s Diner in exchange for an underwater ashtray.
The air was rife with nervous energy as those present knew that the previous night’s events at St James Park had marked a pivotal moment in the club’s history. The low hum of conversation ended abruptly as Josh Kroenke took out his chewing gum and stuck it on the underside of the table, a sure sign that he was preparing to speak.
JK : My fellow B.A.S.T.A.R.D.S, I would like to begin by apologising to y’all for the promptitudity with which I called this here meeting. I know many of you were at the match in Newcastle last night and though my grasp of geography is not what it might be, even I know that a round trip to Northern Ireland is as tiring as teaching a steer to milk itself. However following last night’s result and the likely implications, Pops insisted I meet y’all soon as I could. So without further ado… (clicks his fingers and the doors to the board room swing open, revealing a long line of elegantly dressed caterers carrying trays of delicious foods and trays of the finest wines, scotches and brandies that money could buy. The feast is laid on the table while Josh awaits the departure of the final caterer before resuming his speech). Now, I know its not much, but Pops said we need to keep this low key, especially after last time. (All eyes turn to a clearly embarrassed Steve Round who had been found asleep on top of a statue of an Arsenal legend wearing nothing but Doris’ lingerie in the aftermath of the celebrations following Arsenal’s incredible one nil opening victory against Norwich).
SR : (Mumbling) I thought it was sherbet.
JK : Now don’t you go worrying none Steve, we can’t be too careful round here anyway, what’s with that Amazon crew always snooping around with those damned cameras. You never know who’s watching you.(All eyes turned suspiciously to the doors barring entrance into the boardroom. All eyes that is except for those of manager Mikel Arteta. His gaze was fixed firmly on the portrait of his legendary predecessor Arsene Wenger. Just how did they make his eyes so lifelike he wondered for the umpteenth time).
JK : (Cheerfully) But Pops insisted we had to recognise what you guys have done for this club and of course more importantly what you’ve done for us. Richard, if you would… (Richard Garlick stands up, lifting and placing a black attaché case onto the table. As he opens the case and removes the contents Josh continues to speak).
Just when it looked like Champions league qualification was inevitable you guys pulled together and did what you do best. Saved us a goddam fortune!
VV : If I may J? You see gentlemen, a Champions league place requires Champions league players.
RG: For Champions league fees.
VV:On Champions league wages.
RG: With Champions league standards and expectations.
JK: That’s why it was our stretch goal. It would have stretched the shit out of our goddam budget!! But now, thanks to you guys, we can stick to Europa league mediocrity and claim progress! It’s genius.
Edu : (Turns to Mikel Arteta and whispers) Boss, did you know about this?
MA : (Whispering) Know about it? Who the fuck do you think came up with it? For a while there it looked like we were going to come 4th no matter what I did. I had to fly out to America to get permission to give away half the team in the hope of a late season collapse.
Edu: But what was in it for us?
MA : (Shaking his head) Sometimes I wonder how you remember to dress yourself every day. How do you think I secured our new contracts? On the back of three campaigns in a row finishing 8th, 8th and 5th?? Or was it our football that you thought was bringing everyone so much joy?? Look, my director of fuckall, we are in it to the end with these American fools. As long as they think we are delivering the goods, nothing else matters.
Edu: (unsure) But what about Arsenal? The team?? The fans???
MA: (confidently) My friend you worry too much. The fans will believe what I tell them to believe. If I give them shit, they will eat it… and thank me for it. Even now they are convincing themselves that I am the messiah who returned them to European football, forgetting all the while that it was I who led us into the abyss!
(Edu glances at the portrait of Wenger and an almost imperceptible sigh is heard though it’s source was impossible to specify).
JK: (loudly) Gentlemen, if I may have your attention. These (lifting up a sleek black jewellery case) are a small token of the Kroenke’s appreciation for your achievements to date. We have bought one for each of you. (He circles the table handing a small case to each member present. The cases are opened revealing gold watches studded with diamonds. The gasps of appreciation would have been audible even in the corridors outside) If you turn them over you’ll see I have had them all inscribed “Defectum Est Optio”. It’s Latin.
SR: What is it?
JK: It’s a language, South American I think. Or is it a country??
SR: I meant the inscription! What does it mean?
VV: (Intervening) It’s something we’ve been working on as part of a rebranding process. It means “Failure is an option”. We think it captures the essence of our new direction. (Lifts his glass and is immediately joined by the other members chanting “Defectum Est Optio”).
RG : Of course, we aren’t absolutely certain of reaching our targets. We have been here before in 2006. Remember lasagnagate? I think it’s high time we had a repeat of that little episode.
Edu: (confused) But how does that help?
RG: Worry not our disaster of finances, this time the spuds will be on the other side of history. Turns out Big Bill has a cousin in the dining industry in East Anglia and it’s popular with a certain Norwich striker. We’ve sent a ..lady…to make sure he’s fed the ‘proper’ food.
Edu: You mean Pukki?
RG: (chortling) Come Sunday morning Pukey might be more appropriate!
SR: You’ve thought of everything.
JK: There was too much at stake. If we had qualified for the champs league the fans would begin to believe again.
MA: Indeed. Things could have got ugly. There would have been talk of title tilts and trophy hauls. Next thing they’ll want entertainment and value for money. (looks slowly around the room making eye contact with all of the members individually). Each and every one of you would have been expected to perform your duties to the highest of standards .(His words have an immediate effect. Edu shakes his head at the horror of it while Steve Round has to swallow his own vomit). We would be expected to display… (He forces himself to spit the word out)…professionalism. (Immediately the room is plunged into a deep and sombre silence as every man there considered how unfair it was that millions of Arsenal fans worldwide should expect them to deliver success despite being paid only a few million pounds a year each. A throaty whisper broke the silence and all turned to listen to the half blind goalkeeping coach Inaki Cana).
IC: When I was a young boy my teacher told us a story of a great Greek general called Pyrrhus who fought many great and glorious battles against more powerful Roman and Macedonian forces just as we too must fight the city’s and Liverpool’s of this world. Outnumbered and facing impossible odds Pyrrhus led his army to victory though the cost was high. He sacrificed his entire army to win and was left unable to defend his homeland. This story made a remarkable impression on me (stands up lifting his glass in the air). When I saw the work being done here by all of you I knew this was where I belonged and I immediately recalled this childhood story. (Turns to face Arteta and extends his arm around him in a gesture of solidarity) Winning is for losers and this man is no winner. (slowly the others in the room turn to face Arteta, clapping at first, then shouting his name before finally lifting him on their shoulders while Arteta himself is overcome with emotion as the genius of his constant failures is finally recognised).
JK: Gentlemen, it is an honour to work alongside each and every one of you and your tireless efforts to keep Arsenal where we want it will become the stuff of legend in the Kroenke household. I salute you all. (Raising his glass) To the process!
All: To the process!!
JK: With the rise of Newcastle and the inevitable return of Manchester United we will never find ourselves in this position again. We’ll done my friends, you have ridden out the storm. Our money, I mean future, is safe. (at this Arteta gets up to leave, shaking hands with everyone)
Edu: Boss, where are you going?
MA: You heard him, we have come through the worst of it, three years of suppressing this club’s natural ambition. I’m not about to take any chances.
Edu: You mean….
MA: Yes, it’s time to offer Granit a new contract…
[Satire] is a collection of brilliance from one of our readers Almuniasaynomore, who can be seen lurking in comments often. If you are a gooner by heart, is saddened by the current state of Arsenal Football Club, this section tries to have a laugh at expense of some.
If you feel offended, remember, they’re just jokes. We’re all gonna die soon and there’s no football in hell or heaven, so remember that.
Feedbacks are welcome in the comments!
Almunia
Another (Greek) epic/tragic hybrid of brilliance. Your oeuvre brings light to a gloom filled future for our once fine club. We may never have the overall record for wins in English football but we’ve had more pyrhhic victories than all the other teams put together in the last 15 years or so. I’m expecting yet another one this weekend, although it would be extra poignant if it led to the Toffees dropping to the championship. I’ll probably make Goodison one of my Bluebirds away jaunts if it happens and will revel in singing ‘you’re fucking shit etc.’ at their silent ranks.
That narrative of wanting to preserve Arsenal’s mediocrity certainly has a ring of truth. From the ill-informed, cautiously crap capitalism of the Kroenkes through their (deliberate? ) selection of inexperienced wankers like Vinai, Bunga-Bunga Edu and the Basque Bantamweight and their useless underlings, down to Attwood’s Unsold Anusol and Pedro and his idiotic alter egos and thirsty KOOL-AID drinking sycophants who Jamie helpfully identified on here (although it did give me some schatological flashbacks).
This shitshow of a(nother) season ends soon. Rejoice, at least til we start losing to Cowdenbeath and Wealdstone in pre-season.
Thanks mate and Ambarish for hosting these gems – you make supporting Arsenal a little more bearable.
https://www.mirror.co.uk/sport/football/news/champions-league-arsenal-referee-glory-26983850
Ref from our final against Varxa admits he fucked up… The news just keeps getting better.
Idle speculation but I wonder where we’d be now as a club if we’d won the CL that season.
Varxa? Sounds more acceptable than Barca I guess.
That CL final and our 50th against Manure makes my blood boil, damn.
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As usual, Almunia came up with a brilliant piece when I’m in a hiding after New Castle result.
Irrespective of everything that hasn’t gone the way it should have in last 2.5 years, I was trying to be positive and happy. I even tried letting go all the wrong decisions from Mikel if we qualified for Champions League.
I even tried letting go all the wrong decisions from Mikel if we qualified for Champions League.
Hi Ambarish,
That’s a really good point to bear in mind. I think we ALL gave Arteta a chance, even gnarly old bastards like me, Almunia, Marc and Jamie! 😜
The only nuance is working out when we all individually discovered he wasn’t going to improve the team. I might go back and check when the tables definitely turned for me. It was certainly well before Villareal, and those demoralising home defeats to Villa, Leicester, Wolves and Burnley in late 2020.
That there are still some (albeit diminishing) voices proclaiming him as a footballing genius, is deeply puzzling to me. But it’s only a matter of time before everyone turns against him, even Pedro, AFCF, EB and the other dwindling troupe of non Arsenal supporting Arteta supporters.
Or NASAS….
Well,how are we now lads? Any of you caught yourselves checking out the Norwich or Spuds injury news looking for that glimmering hope? Don’t do it! Reminds me of 99 when we were praying spuds would take something at OT on the final day. They were never going to return to WHL and face their fans having helped us retain a title. Actually utd,the jammy pricks, benefitted in 96 like that aswell when Newcastle needed Boro to do them a favour, some hope! This one is all of our own doing though. I can see Chelsea,Utd,Spurs and Newcastle all recruiting heavily in the summer,not to mention the top 2. Who are we going to attract? #We are a big club,really!
Kroenkephobe,
I have a feeling Everton will stay up. They might get the job done tonight but even if they don’t Leeds are abysmal and Brentford away will be tough on them.
I’m remembering how the writing is truly cathartic for all the frustrations involved in supporting Arsenal. You should give it a go,vent and be free…..
I had to delete those two comments, no one wants to read about it on a sports blog, sorry about that.
Commentator said earlier that DCL’s goal last week was his first since August. He would be such a disappointing signing that I’m already envisioning him in an Arsenal shirt.
I would take PV4 over Arteta in a heartbeat. He is doing at Crystal Palace with very limited resources what Arteta was expected to at Arsenal.
Should we offer 4m to CP? We can recoup some of that amount by selling Xhaka, since the home shirt is hardly bringing in any revenue.
Almunia
I’m not sure if there is a pattern here. Pep got Grealish which didn’t make any sense except for he is English. Arteta got Ben White. Pep also wanted Harry Kane and Arteta targetting DCL.
Is it because they think English players gets less booked? Pep can think so, but if you are playing for Arsenal, it doesn’t matter. Most fouled player is Saka and we have never benefitted of that.
IF Norwich beat Spu*s, I’m sure we would bottle up and lose against Everton too. Such is the pessimism for a gooner these days!
Mb,
As things stand there’s no doubt that PV4 has done the better job,Palace are a very dangerous team. Would he do likewise at the Emirates? Don’t think anyone can answer with any certainty but most will feel he’s earned his chance. I do anyway.
Mb,
The home grown rule where prem team have to register 8 hg players can see some players value rise. And just as Arsenal can be held over a barrel because every man and his dig knows we need strikers, so too can teams be held to ransom if they need to increase their hg quota.
Yes there’s always an uncertainty with big players (TH14, Lampard, Ole) as managers but once in a while we get to see Zidane too.
As you said, Palace are a dangerous team. We lost to them and drew the other time because of a last min goal.
If we are going by the youth project and young manager, I would go for free fluid attacking game instead of a JDP sh*t
“And just as Arsenal can be held over a barrel because every man and his dig knows we need strikers, so too can teams be held to ransom if they need to increase their hg quota.”
But we might let go Eddie Nketiah for free? (Or that 8m something). We aren’t bright in that department too.
If you take a timeline, nothing has changed from Wengers later days except the football. We are playing sh*t.
Not like you to let them get you down Mb. Way I’m looking at it is that there is literally no hiding place left,no excuse they haven’t used. We are moving towards the endgame. Let’s just hope they are not given free reign to blow the budget on average players,that would sting alright.
DCL,right on cue. Add another 10 million to that price tag. Let’s hope Newcastle are sniffing around…….
Hopefully… At least few good signings, a CF and a CM so that when inevitable happens, whoever takes the reign next has something to work with (no Xhaka).
Good post!!!
The sly B.A.S.T.A.R.D.S
Nick Pope is one fantastic keeper. Brings calmness and composure and makes very few mistakes. Ramsdale is more Pickford than Pope. He’ll have to learn quickly but my fear is that all that shouting and gesticulating is his natural game. It’s not ideal behavior for a keeper. Think of the steely coolness of Lukic and Seaman…..
It’s really incredible when you think about it that the title,champs lge,europa and relegation issues are all going to the final day.Sky won’t half milk it…..
Almunia another master class and signature worth phrase:
‘Defectum Est Optio’ meaning “Failure is an option”
Thank you for the lighter side of Arsenal dismalness.
By James McNicholas from the Athletic:
“Arsenal have lost twice in the past week, on both occasions to teams whose fortunes improved as a consequence of the January transfer window. The failure to strengthen in mid-season has cost Arsenal dear — and should they fail to make the the Champions League, there will inevitably be implications for their summer transfer plans.”
Here is the kicker that shows our present talent is at danger to be retained. Saka’s contract runs out in 2024:
“Champions League qualification would also have been a helpful factor in persuading the likes of Bukayo Saka to sign a contract extension. Elsewhere, other squad members would have been hoping to renegotiate new deals on “Champions League wages”. A significant change in the structure of Arsenal’s wage bill now feels unlikely. The squad are also now likely to miss out on the substantial bonuses for Champions League qualification which are written into their contract.”
To state the obvious an example of “Defectum Est Optio”
Brilliant Almunia, I used to enjoy reading your bits on Le Grove.
Ambarish
Fair enough. Mea culpa. I guess our frustrations with these idiots all manifest themselves in different ways and at different times.
It’s bad news only for me but that contract extension coupled with the sheer awfulness of the wankers now running the club has left me questioning how to end a 50 plus years relationship which I though would always matter to me and would endure.
Kroenkephobe,
I think there will be some gooners still hoping for a miracle on Sunday. If it doesn’t happen then the anger will hit them,the sense of a lost opportunity. I expect a lot of angry Arsenal fans throughout the summer when our transfer window underwhelms yet again. We’re all feeling the pain,don’t give in yet,who knows the next GG could be just around the corner.
Only happens with an Arsenal fan. Praising PV4 and he goes on to kick a fan, DCL scoring for Everton when they needed it the most. Lol
Almunia/KP
Unfortunately, this is all Emery II. As much as I wanted Arteta to succeed for the sake of Arsenal, it has not happened and doesn’t look like happening. Some fans may be happy if they were hoping for a 8th position finish, but I for one, think he should be fired if we don’t finish in top 4.
Mb,
His new contract meant that the Kroenkes don’t think like that. They’ve set the bar lower. That’s what has so many of us infuriated.
Or probably they just don’t give a fuck.
“That’s a really good point to bear in mind. I think we ALL gave Arteta a chance, even gnarly old bastards like me, Almunia, Marc and Jamie!”
A little less of the old thank you.
The problem with the Kroenke’s is we can’t tell if they don’t care or if they’re incompetent – both is of course a possibility.
They allowed the club to have a net spend last summer far higher than anyone with half a brain thought they would – why would you do that and then see what is in effect zero improvement.
The Kroenkes give the lie to the idea that the fantastically wealthy are so because they’re cleverer than the rest of us.
They’re detached, cautious and unwilling to learn but their biggest weakness is that they don’t seem to care about the bottom line. Player values are plummeting,contracts are handled appallingly badly and the club is making a loss while it stagnated. Why the actual fuck do they preside over that and simply leave it in the hands of the usual suspects? Baffling.
150m+ investment was done to silent the followers who were angry because of Super League. All other explanations are shit.
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On a different note, I was okay with the Super League if and only if they made it on a Premier League model – bottom 3 clubs gets relegated and replaced. Would love to hear your views, I guess the English crowd feels so much invested in a club that they don’t want it to go away but worldwide following will surely increase.
I’m in a minority here, and most likely wrong but Super League would be an exciting thing if it’s on merit base.
Last week, I was reached out by some random bloke for popularizing Super League in the state it was proposed. Of course, I have told them off and stick that plan where the sun don’t shine. I will earn money any other way..
Welcome Ken and Ben. Not sure if you have tried with two aliases. If you loved Almunia’s work, there is more –
https://londonisred.com/category/satire/
Cheers.
The super league would kill domestic league football in all the major European leagues. People simply won’t want to pay to watch a second string Arsenal, Liverpool, Barca etc. play some underfunded team in the own domestic league knowing there’s the perception at least of a bigger prize. Moreover, it’ll kill the interest of older, wealthy, proper historical fans for whom an away game versus say Villa in the PL will always trump a super league tie against Juve or Bayern.
Maybe I’m in a minority here but old rivalries mean something extra in terms of atmosphere and the emotional impact of the result. Being in a euro league with no promotion/relegation doing the same thing year-in year-out would be deathly dull. MLB, NBA, NHL and NFL are less attractive and interesting than they should be because of this.