The boardroom, Emirates stadium. A beautifully and tastefully decorated room in the traditional style. A red carpet, immaculate as the day it was first laid contrasts the cool cream walls, adorned with portraits of all Arsenal’s previous chairmen on one side and previous managers on the other.
In the immediate aftermath of Arsenal’s meek surrender on Tyneside the Brotherhood of Arsenal’s Sincere Trusted And Really Dedicated Servants (B.A.S.T.A.R.D.S) were holding a hastily arranged assembly. In attendance were the greatest footballing minds that this legendary club had to offer, chairman Josh Kroenke, chief executive Vinai Venkatesham, lawyer Richard Garlick, manager Mikel Arteta, D.O.F Edu, Assistant manager Steve Round and goalkeeping coach Inaki Cana. The only member missing from the original committee was Doris the tea lady, a victim of the great cull of January ’22 when Edu negotiated her departure to Big Bill’s Diner in exchange for an underwater ashtray.
The air was rife with nervous energy as those present knew that the previous night’s events at St James Park had marked a pivotal moment in the club’s history. The low hum of conversation ended abruptly as Josh Kroenke took out his chewing gum and stuck it on the underside of the table, a sure sign that he was preparing to speak.
JK : My fellow B.A.S.T.A.R.D.S, I would like to begin by apologising to y’all for the promptitudity with which I called this here meeting. I know many of you were at the match in Newcastle last night and though my grasp of geography is not what it might be, even I know that a round trip to Northern Ireland is as tiring as teaching a steer to milk itself. However following last night’s result and the likely implications, Pops insisted I meet y’all soon as I could. So without further ado… (clicks his fingers and the doors to the board room swing open, revealing a long line of elegantly dressed caterers carrying trays of delicious foods and trays of the finest wines, scotches and brandies that money could buy. The feast is laid on the table while Josh awaits the departure of the final caterer before resuming his speech). Now, I know its not much, but Pops said we need to keep this low key, especially after last time. (All eyes turn to a clearly embarrassed Steve Round who had been found asleep on top of a statue of an Arsenal legend wearing nothing but Doris’ lingerie in the aftermath of the celebrations following Arsenal’s incredible one nil opening victory against Norwich).
SR : (Mumbling) I thought it was sherbet.
JK : Now don’t you go worrying none Steve, we can’t be too careful round here anyway, what’s with that Amazon crew always snooping around with those damned cameras. You never know who’s watching you.(All eyes turned suspiciously to the doors barring entrance into the boardroom. All eyes that is except for those of manager Mikel Arteta. His gaze was fixed firmly on the portrait of his legendary predecessor Arsene Wenger. Just how did they make his eyes so lifelike he wondered for the umpteenth time).
JK : (Cheerfully) But Pops insisted we had to recognise what you guys have done for this club and of course more importantly what you’ve done for us. Richard, if you would… (Richard Garlick stands up, lifting and placing a black attaché case onto the table. As he opens the case and removes the contents Josh continues to speak).
Just when it looked like Champions league qualification was inevitable you guys pulled together and did what you do best. Saved us a goddam fortune!
VV : If I may J? You see gentlemen, a Champions league place requires Champions league players.
RG: For Champions league fees.
VV:On Champions league wages.
RG: With Champions league standards and expectations.
JK: That’s why it was our stretch goal. It would have stretched the shit out of our goddam budget!! But now, thanks to you guys, we can stick to Europa league mediocrity and claim progress! It’s genius.
Edu : (Turns to Mikel Arteta and whispers) Boss, did you know about this?
MA : (Whispering) Know about it? Who the fuck do you think came up with it? For a while there it looked like we were going to come 4th no matter what I did. I had to fly out to America to get permission to give away half the team in the hope of a late season collapse.
Edu: But what was in it for us?
MA : (Shaking his head) Sometimes I wonder how you remember to dress yourself every day. How do you think I secured our new contracts? On the back of three campaigns in a row finishing 8th, 8th and 5th?? Or was it our football that you thought was bringing everyone so much joy?? Look, my director of fuckall, we are in it to the end with these American fools. As long as they think we are delivering the goods, nothing else matters.
Edu: (unsure) But what about Arsenal? The team?? The fans???
MA: (confidently) My friend you worry too much. The fans will believe what I tell them to believe. If I give them shit, they will eat it… and thank me for it. Even now they are convincing themselves that I am the messiah who returned them to European football, forgetting all the while that it was I who led us into the abyss!
(Edu glances at the portrait of Wenger and an almost imperceptible sigh is heard though it’s source was impossible to specify).
JK: (loudly) Gentlemen, if I may have your attention. These (lifting up a sleek black jewellery case) are a small token of the Kroenke’s appreciation for your achievements to date. We have bought one for each of you. (He circles the table handing a small case to each member present. The cases are opened revealing gold watches studded with diamonds. The gasps of appreciation would have been audible even in the corridors outside) If you turn them over you’ll see I have had them all inscribed “Defectum Est Optio”. It’s Latin.
SR: What is it?
JK: It’s a language, South American I think. Or is it a country??
SR: I meant the inscription! What does it mean?
VV: (Intervening) It’s something we’ve been working on as part of a rebranding process. It means “Failure is an option”. We think it captures the essence of our new direction. (Lifts his glass and is immediately joined by the other members chanting “Defectum Est Optio”).
RG : Of course, we aren’t absolutely certain of reaching our targets. We have been here before in 2006. Remember lasagnagate? I think it’s high time we had a repeat of that little episode.
Edu: (confused) But how does that help?
RG: Worry not our disaster of finances, this time the spuds will be on the other side of history. Turns out Big Bill has a cousin in the dining industry in East Anglia and it’s popular with a certain Norwich striker. We’ve sent a ..lady…to make sure he’s fed the ‘proper’ food.
Edu: You mean Pukki?
RG: (chortling) Come Sunday morning Pukey might be more appropriate!
SR: You’ve thought of everything.
JK: There was too much at stake. If we had qualified for the champs league the fans would begin to believe again.
MA: Indeed. Things could have got ugly. There would have been talk of title tilts and trophy hauls. Next thing they’ll want entertainment and value for money. (looks slowly around the room making eye contact with all of the members individually). Each and every one of you would have been expected to perform your duties to the highest of standards .(His words have an immediate effect. Edu shakes his head at the horror of it while Steve Round has to swallow his own vomit). We would be expected to display… (He forces himself to spit the word out)…professionalism. (Immediately the room is plunged into a deep and sombre silence as every man there considered how unfair it was that millions of Arsenal fans worldwide should expect them to deliver success despite being paid only a few million pounds a year each. A throaty whisper broke the silence and all turned to listen to the half blind goalkeeping coach Inaki Cana).
IC: When I was a young boy my teacher told us a story of a great Greek general called Pyrrhus who fought many great and glorious battles against more powerful Roman and Macedonian forces just as we too must fight the city’s and Liverpool’s of this world. Outnumbered and facing impossible odds Pyrrhus led his army to victory though the cost was high. He sacrificed his entire army to win and was left unable to defend his homeland. This story made a remarkable impression on me (stands up lifting his glass in the air). When I saw the work being done here by all of you I knew this was where I belonged and I immediately recalled this childhood story. (Turns to face Arteta and extends his arm around him in a gesture of solidarity) Winning is for losers and this man is no winner. (slowly the others in the room turn to face Arteta, clapping at first, then shouting his name before finally lifting him on their shoulders while Arteta himself is overcome with emotion as the genius of his constant failures is finally recognised).
JK: Gentlemen, it is an honour to work alongside each and every one of you and your tireless efforts to keep Arsenal where we want it will become the stuff of legend in the Kroenke household. I salute you all. (Raising his glass) To the process!
All: To the process!!
JK: With the rise of Newcastle and the inevitable return of Manchester United we will never find ourselves in this position again. We’ll done my friends, you have ridden out the storm. Our money, I mean future, is safe. (at this Arteta gets up to leave, shaking hands with everyone)
Edu: Boss, where are you going?
MA: You heard him, we have come through the worst of it, three years of suppressing this club’s natural ambition. I’m not about to take any chances.
Edu: You mean….
MA: Yes, it’s time to offer Granit a new contract…
[Satire] is a collection of brilliance from one of our readers Almuniasaynomore, who can be seen lurking in comments often. If you are a gooner by heart, is saddened by the current state of Arsenal Football Club, this section tries to have a laugh at expense of some.
If you feel offended, remember, they’re just jokes. We’re all gonna die soon and there’s no football in hell or heaven, so remember that.
Feedbacks are welcome in the comments!
In essence, if you add another new and apparently higher stratum to the pecking order of football, the ones below will all suffer.
For those numb nuts who think Norwich will beat the Sp*ds, just consider this. They are expecting a result from a team that we lost to 3-0. To them there are Unicorns and yes Santa is real.
KP
Experienced this in the United Rugby Championship (URC). The 4 South African teams are fielding their number 1 team in the URC competition while in the oldest Rugby Cup competition the Currie Cup they field a B team and I have lost total interest in that competition to the point I no longer even watch the 24min highlights.
Wow, I didn’t think about that and do not have any counter arguments. As an overseas fan, if I had not visited Emirates and lived the atmosphere myself, idea of seeing us play against Madrid and Bayern every other weekends would have been better for me.
But then yes, anyone who is born and brought up in say West Ham and is a 3rd generation supporter, it would be a non sense for him to see big 4 go and play in a bigger league. Even if they are part of it, no one would like an idea of visiting neutral venues to watch a match.
Over time, the emotions will fade.
Almunia
You’re killing me, man. Brilliant stuff, once again (although The Gunnery is still my favorite piece). Cheers!
P.S. No to Super League.
P.P.S. Norwich are not beating Spurs.
Killroy
That bubble will burst. Those who were invested in Arteta are just trying to find reasons to still support him, hoping Norwich gives Spuds a spanking.
Top 4 was ours to lose, and we lost it.
Super league is a no for me also for all the reasons mentioned above. It would devalue domestic leagues but worse,even if there was relegation,there would be a large percentage of teams that would rarely,if ever,be threatened by it. So success for many would be to simply retain their status while gaining the financial benefits. Spending enough to win the competition would be a luxury many owners wouldn’t contemplate. And even if you did pip,say Barca and juve,to the title. Where’s the joy? When an English team wins a euro trophy it’s real value is rubbing it into the faces of their traditional rivals.
Upstate,
You’re welcome. I enjoy doing them and as I was telling Kroenkephobe, they are cathartic. Mb is kindly allowing them here and putting them all together. I’d imagine Arteta’s new contract will provide me with material for another while!
By James McNicholas an Arsenal supporter from the Athletic:
“Arsenal have lost twice in the past week, on both occasions to teams whose fortunes improved as a consequence of the January transfer window. The failure to strengthen in mid-season has cost Arsenal dear — and should they fail to make the the Champions League, there will inevitably be implications for their summer transfer plans.”
Here is the kicker that shows our present talent is at danger to be retained. Saka’s contract runs out in 2024:
“Champions League qualification would also have been a helpful factor in persuading the likes of Bukayo Saka to sign a contract extension. Elsewhere, other squad members would have been hoping to renegotiate new deals on “Champions League wages”. A significant change in the structure of Arsenal’s wage bill now feels unlikely. The squad are also now likely to miss out on the substantial bonuses for Champions League qualification which are written into their contract.”
Fuck the process, just PR BS
Here’s an interesting thing to mull over. If, by some miracle, we have qualified for the CL by the time Sunday night comes around, hypothetically how would we feel about that? Personally, I’d be more convinced than ever that Arteta is a dud. It would make clear how bad our competitors are and how the system favours big clubs getting in through the back door.
But is it going to happen? Nah…. And I think I’d rather watch the offers on UK terrestrial TV, ie songs of praise and antiques roadshow than watch us toil against Everton.
Marc – assuming you’re going, be good to get your take afterwards on the atmosphere and the laughable reaction to the lap of ‘honour’.
Kroenke
I’ll be there – not sure I’ll spend too much time on the “lap of apology” I usually stay for it but right now it’s rubbing salt into the wound.
I’d like to know the fan boys take on how Conte who is not a great coach has taken over the Spud’s mid season after a piss poor start and beaten us to top 4? Similar question to the same people – how have Vieira and Howe managed to imprint a better playing style and improved the team in a such a short amount of time?
Marc
Have a good one. I hope the weather is at least on song.
Compared to our so-called manager, Conte, whether we like it or not, is star quality. He gets results and is respected by players and their supporters. Any Arsenal fan with even a fraction of personal integrity, knows that this is in short supply with Arteta. He simply doesn’t command respect and never will.
At least the fanbase was generally united throughout Emery’s reign. We all wanted him to succeed, we enjoyed the good early moments and then there was unanimity about him needing to leave. Arteta,on the other hand, is arguably more divisive than late wenger. I simply cannot understand those who think persisting with him is the right way ahead. It’s disturbing to me.
Marc
I am very interested in the mood at the Emirates and if there are any voices making their misgivings known to the process.
If we make 4th, extremely doubtful, but the talking point will be that we needed a relegated club sitting at the bottom of the table to bail us out to cover up the incompetence.
New L-Grove post with the best description of Pedro yet:
“the dummy sings what ever tune the ventriloquist wants him to sing
Add Bumteta to the many other titles the generational one already has.
Killroy
I can guarantee they’ll be one dissenting voice and there has been for some time.
Kroenke
You’re spot on – Arteta has divided the fan base more than I’ve ever seen. Emery was not my choice but when he was appointed I was willing to give him a chance, he cocked it up and was rightfully sacked but Arteta seems to get a free ride from a large section of the fan base – what was not good enough under either Wenger or Emery is seen as “sauce” from Arteta it just doesn’t make sense.
Is it because the club or Arteta are manipulating the fan base through social media?
“If we make 4th, extremely doubtful, but the talking point will be that we needed a relegated club sitting at the bottom of the table to bail us out to cover up the incompetence.”
Leicester – wheels come off and had a really bad season by their recent standards.
Spud’s – sacked a manager, had their best player, top striker and captain want to leave last summer who then sulked for several months and are still going to finish above us.
ManU – car crash of a season doesn’t even come close, sacked a manager rumours of major dissent in the dressing room etc and still beat us under a care taker’s care taker manager and will finish a maximum of 11 points off us.
All of this whilst we had no European football and only played 1 match in a senior cup competition. Every excuse put up for Arteta is actually just another reason he should be sacked.
Almunia,
That was bloody brilliant,you have a gift. If things go wrong on Sunday and let’s face it,they will, we’ll all need more of this to survive. Cheers.