A secret office deep in the bowels of the Emirates stadium. With the transfer window well and truly open the People Responsible for Arsenal’s Transfer Strategy (P.R.A.T.S) have been working flat out to create a squad that is capable of taking Arsenal to the mythical ‘next level’. The unusual amount of early activity in the market has resulted in an energy and enthusiasm which is palpable in the room. There is a sense of achievement, indeed pride in that achievement. And no one personified this more than chairman Josh Kroenke whose beaming smile illuminated the room.
JK: Guys, I gotta tell you, I am excited, very goddam excited. I’m buzzing right now. We are on the cusp of something real special here, I can feel it. (looks directly at Arteta and Edu). When I told Pops that you two would lead us to the promised land I never believed we would get here so quickly. How long has it been now?
MA: (loudly and proudly) This is season one Josh… (mutters inaudibly) of project three.
JK: Season one, we’re straight in at the top guys!
SR: Yep, 5th place, little ‘ol Arsenal, who would have thought it possible?
JK: And it doesn’t end there, does it Mike? (With the unbridled enthusiasm of a child waiting for his birthday present) Tell me about the rabbits Mike, tell me how it’s gonna be.
MA: Aw shucks Josh, you don’t need me to tell you that again. You already know it better than me.
JK: (jumping up and down on his seat with uncontrollable excitement) No, please Mike, please, tell me like you done before, please, just once more. (his tongue hanging out of his mouth even as he speaks) Tell us about the rabbits.
MA: Oh alright then…(everyone sits perfectly still despite, or maybe because of, the delightful anticipation coursing through each of them. It was a story they had heard many times before but it never failed to extract the maximum of joy from it’s listeners who were enraptured from start to finish, transported to the magical world that it’s weaver was spinning). Well, guys like us, working in football clubs, are the loneliest guys in the world, always working, nothing to look forward to…
Edu: (unable to control himself, shouts out) But not us Mikel, not us…
MA: (Smiling paternally at him) No, not us.
SR: (Hyperventilating with delight) ‘Cos we got you and you got us…
MA: Sure, I got you and you got me…
JK: (squealing) Tell us how it’s gonna be Mike.
MA: (Glances slowly around at each of them in a calm but measured way, letting them know that he would brook no further interruptions) Well, we’re gonna build a little team in our little stadium. Gonna grow some alfalfa and strawberries in the centre of the pitch, we don’t use that part much, to meet their dietary needs. Gonna keep some rabbits to eat the grass and keep the pitch trimmed.
JK: (Clapping his hands together) And I get to feed them, don’t I? Don’t I Mike?
MA: (looks at him tenderly) Sure, Josh, you get to feed them. (continues painting the scene). Gonna play a few matches, might win some ,might lose some, but it won’t matter cos nobody gets to tell us what to do (as always these words are greeted with a thrill running through his captivated audience). Ain’t nobody gonna hold us accountable for nothin’.
Edu: Cos we gonna live off the fat of the Kroenkes!!
MA: (Proudly) That’s right, we’re gonna live off the fat of the Kroenkes. We’re gonna have our own objectives, none of this accountability rubbish. If we’re winning we’ll look at the league table. And if we’re not, we’ll just make up our own! The season will start when we say it starts. And in Winter time, when the ice is on the ground and the snow is on the roof, when we’ve run out of players and excuses, when the project will require yet another rebranding, we won’t care what anybody else says…
JK: (Moved to tears) Cos we’ll have each other…
MA: (holding out his hands to the members either side of him who in turn hold hands until all the P.R.A.T.S are holding hands in a circle) Yes, we’ll have each other…and your Daddy’s money of course.
JK: Pops money, of course.
SR: Yes, we’ll need that.
Edu: Definitely.
(The spell created by the telling of the tale is ended and a more business like tone is assumed).
JK: Speaking of having each other’s backs I’d just like to put on record once again my thanks to Mike over the whole Vieira confusion.
MA: (Quickly and with emphasis) There’s no need…really.
JK: (Totally unaware of Arteta’s unease). No, no Mike, it needs to be said. Only for you I’d have looked like I just fell off the turnip truck. When my Pops told me it was time to get Vieira in, I damn near messed it up. Nearly rang Buckingham Palace.
Edu: (surprised) Crystal Palace? What stopped you?
JK: (With admiration) Why, my good friend Mike here explained to me that I was after getting my Vieira’s mixed up and that Pops wanted that young guy from Lisbon. Christ on a bike, seems I was the only guy who hadn’t heard of this kid. Mike told me how all the big clubs were after him. Well, I knew then that he must be the one Pops wanted. Makes sense.
Edu: (looking at Arteta while thoughtfully rubbing his chin) It’s certainly starting to…
MA: ( Rapidly attempting to move the conversation on) Anyway, you still have the letter?
JK: (Holding up a piece of paper) Sure have Mike, Pops signed it himself.
SR: (Confused) What letter?
JK: (Sulkily) Well Pops said that we can’t go spending his money unchecked anymore, some rubbish about not throwing good money after bad, whatever that means! Now I have to get a letter from him every time we want to buy a player. But Mike here (winking at Arteta) came up with a plan.
MA: (With obviously false humility) It was nothing really…
JK: Mike, it was genius. (Whispers conspiratorially to the group). See, what we did was, we went to Pops looking for a few bucks to buy that Marquinhos dude. But when Pops was writing the ok he couldn’t spell the name, nor could I, and Mikel here pretended he couldn’t either (All eyes turn to Arteta).
MA: (Blushing furiously) Pretended…yeah.
JK: So Pops gave me a letter saying ‘Give the kid the money to sign the Brazilian dude’. Goddam it’s like a blank cheque…all we have to do is keep buying Brazilians, this letter gives me access to all the money we need. Marquinhos? Yes please!
MA: Gabriel Jesus? Thank you very much.
SR: Raphina? Well, why ever not?
Edu: (slowly comprehending what he’d just heard) So that’s why I’ve spent more time in Brazil than the great train robbers! But, hold on…how did you squeeze the money for Vieira? He’s Portuguese!
JK: Same thing isn’t it? All the Portuguese speak Brazilian don’t they?
Edu: (shocked at the ignorance) No! They’re not the same. Brazilians speak Portuguese.
JK: (Amazed) You mean Brazilians are ambidextrous? They speak Brazilian AND Portuguese? That’s awesome man, they are even cleverer than I thought. (Pauses for dramatic effect) You know I’m ambidextrous too?
SR: (Impressed) Really?
JK: (Proudly) Yep. I can speak English and American…self-taught.
Edu: (shaking his head) You mean you’re bilingual?
JK: (vehemently) No sir! Not me! I’m a ladies man only. (Embarrassed) The other night on the boat…I thought she said her name was Shemal…sounded exotic….I didn’t know honest..
MA: (whispers to Edu) Took him 12 hours in the bed to find out…
Edu: (whispers back) Well in his defence it takes him a long time to get a grip on most things!
(At this point Inaki Cana, the legendary blind goalkeeping coach removes his dark glasses and addresses the meeting)
IC: Gentlemen, this Brazilian-only rule is all fine and well, but may I remind you that Brazil’s two finest goalkeepers are already in the hands of the top two teams in this country. We cannot hope to poach them.
MA: (looks questioningly at him) Poach them? Why would we do that? We spent £30 million last year on Aaron Ramsdale at your behest.
IC: Yes. And he was good…for a while…was he not? And now it is time for a change. Leno to Martinez to Ryan to Runnarson to Ramsdale. Now it is time to go again, yes?
MA: (angry) Go again? Go a-fuckingain? Ramsdale is meant to be our long term future. He was bought to man the posts at this club for the next decade!
IC: (Stubbornly) Well no-one told me!
MA: (In disbelief) No-one told you?? What in the name of Christ did you think you were doing?
IC: (Defensively) Hold on a second now. You asked for a goalkeeper, I got you a goalkeeper. How am I meant to know if they’re any good? It’s not bloody Nostradamus you have here you know.
JK: (Whispers to Arteta) Hey Mike, come on, take it easy on the guy. You know we have to keep up our quota of disabled employees. Poor guy can’t see a thing. He was wandering around the local fishmarket for two hours last night offering money to all the staff. Thought he was in a brothel.
SR: Well that explains letting Martinez go.
MA: And telling us that Ramsdale was worth £30 mill.
Edu: And Runnarson.
IC: (Angrily) Stop right there! Runnarson was not my doing. (Remembering) One night last year as I sat at my desk I sensed a presence behind me. I turned to find a man standing there, ‘a friend of the club’ he described himself as. He told me of this brilliant young Icelandic keeper that was the second coming of Peter Schmeichel. He convinced me I’d be mad not to sign him. There was something familiar about this stranger yet I could not quite put my finger on why I felt I knew him. But his argument was convincing and it was on his word that Runnarson was signed.
JK: (shocked) You were tricked Inaki! Did you get a good look at him?
IC: It was dark and my eyesight was betraying me even then. But he was tall and thin, elegant one might say, with a hooked nose and small beady eyes that shone with a madness. His hair was silver and he wore a jacket with a FIFA badge sewn into it’s pocket. He spoke with a gallic accent that was an intoxicating mixture of intelligence and condescension. He spoke of moving the club to the next level.
JK: (in frustration) It’s not much to go on Inaki. Are you sure there was nothing else, no other clue?
IC: (Pondering) No…although he did trip over my cane on his way out the door. When I asked him if he was alright he simply replied “I didn’t see it”. I bent down to pick up my cane but when I stood up he was gone.
(The P.R.A.T.S all stand shaking their heads in disbelief as Cani’s reminiscing ends)
SR: A spy in our midst.
JK: Worse, a master of disguise. He could quite literally be anyone who is grey, tall, thin, hooked nose, French and works for FIFA.
Edu: This is beyond even our intelligence…
MA: (Eyes narrowing, voice lowering menacingly) Perhaps my friends, perhaps. But there is something in that description that has set me thinking. (If this was a film the camera would slowly begin to focus solely on Arteta, first his entire body, then as the following words were spoken moving closer, closer,until only his face was visible) A man…no, a legend, once stalked these corridors. His power was unequalled throughout this club, his influence second to none. But like all great figures his time had to come to an end and it was I who sealed his fate. Yet I always doubted that he was completely gone, often I sensed him, fleetingly, as though he had left a room seconds before I entered. But now I’m certain that my suspicions were correct, his presence here is very real.
JK: (Horrified) You mean…?
MA: (Assuredly) Yes my friend. Inaki’s descriptions have left me in no doubt…Gunnersaurus has returned.
(The scene becomes one of chaos as the P.R.A.T.S cling to each other in fear with only Arteta retaining any composure. There is the steely determination in his eyes of one who recognises a critical juncture ahead…).
To be continued…
This story is entirely original. Any similarities to Steinbeck’s ‘Of Mice and Men’ are not only coincidental but figments of your own imagination. Seek help.
[Satire] is a collection of brilliance from one of our readers Almuniasaynomore, who can be seen lurking in comments often. If you are a gooner by heart, is saddened by the current state of Arsenal Football Club, this section tries to have a laugh at expense of some.
If you feel offended, remember, they’re just jokes. We’re all gonna die soon and there’s no football in hell or heaven, so remember that.
Feedbacks are welcome in the comments!
Ambarish
What is it with people and the internet? I’ve got mates I go to the football with – we’ll have a couple of beers in the pub prior to the match and can often massively disagree about something in football but you don’t dismiss their right to have an opinion.
Marc
Because of the anonymity I guess. You can get away with being a cu*t online.
It was limited to politics few years back, now it’s everywhere.
You and your friends are keeping it the civil way, that’s how it should be.
Cheers Ambarish…it’s quite a sad set of circumstances when the snowflakes align themselves with the Arteta Apologists…how can one ever engage in a meaningful discussion with those who’re clearly acting in a totally irrational fashion, especially when they wield all the power and you have functionally no recourse…the funny thing is I enjoy the back-and-forth, so I’m game for just about anything, and I never dig in if the other party isn’t reciprocating, but that matters not if you’re the one with a contrarian opinion, as there’s vastly differing rules for those who don’t toe the party line…it’s like I’ve fucking travelled back in time to the early days of the Wengerian debate, but way worse somehow???
Ambarish
Not sure it’s so civil after a few but the banter is a massive part of football. What you see on Untold (been that way for a long time) and Le Grove now is more like the followers of a cult or religion where any view that doesn’t conform is attacked out of hand.
Live is too short to drink bad wine, weak coffee and futz around with arsenal / arteta trolls. As already mentioned stay away from the minions.
Tony is a poster who is in Thailand and always posted around midnight US EST or about 5am UK time. So he is definitely not TRVL! he posted an objection regarding the binning of certain individuals as he has done so in the past regarding others. He was spot on with his comments and evaluations. The last post that he made was taken down by Pedro but I read it before it disappeared. I am sure his now also banned.
There is nothing of value to argue about until the TW is closed and the pre season and the 2022/23 season have started. We will then see what the squad will look like what Arteta has accomplished with the squad and somebody will have to acknowledge they were wrong or as in the case of the LG site spin excuses and deflections.
As many have already pointed out our midfield is still a mess and needs the most attention atm. If Jesus and Eddie will produce upfront is for me still in question as we are known to lump in crosses that require tall, athletic strikers which we don’t have. It also will reveal to what degree Jesus was depending on the most excellent service that City provided him with. We don’t have a feared KDB or Foden that open up space with their runs. Therefore wait and see if Arteta has compiled a squad that is feared again in the EPL. Plenty of time for the I told you so stories.
TRVL
What’s gone on is just strange – there’s a father and son who sit one seat away from me both really good guys (son my age ish the father must be late sixties or more) now I know I’ve got on their nerves with the criticism of Arteta but in one of the last matches of the season the son turns to me and says something along the lines of “I’d rather spend the money on playing golf than watch this next season” but he’s still behind Arteta.
It just doesn’t make sense.
Killroy
Whilst I agree with you to a point and I won’t criticise new signings (in general) until they’ve had a run in the team questions about the signing of Jesus are valid. It’s not a debate about the quality of the player it’s a question about Arteta’s tactics and whether those players will fit into how he plays – exactly as you’ve said.
The major issue is a number of us just don’t trust Arteta to know what he’s doing.
Spot on Marc…never once have I attacked what Jesus brings to the equation, from a skillset standpoint…for me, the far more pertinent question was how this particular player moves our largely negative tactical needle…now some have suggested that a 4-3-3 base formational shift is in our immediate future, but nothing we’ve seen thus far would add any credence to this rumour, especially if MA’s Swiss miss bestie and Ode are still regular starters…logic would suggest that what this club needed most, with this tactical naïve manager at the wheel, was a proper DM, with some ball distribution skills, and a pacey Striker with considerably more height than our present two options…if this had been done, I would have no problem with the Vieira get and our young Brazilian prospect, as at least our most pressing needs would have been prioritized…at some point, this organization must be held accountable for it’s seemingly incessant tendency to totally ignore it’s most glaring weaknesses
What totally baffles me is how top clubs are willing to spend mega bucks on players that were bought for half the transfer fee a year or two prior. Why didn’t AFC spot these players when they were to be had for a decent fee? To make the point Guen & Saliba were bought for a low fee, both of them if they were at AFC would now go for mega bucks or play another year at the club after an extension and then sold for a premium. Sorry forgot for a moment this was not done under the present P.R.A.T..S.
This is how Dortmund does it with Haaland and mega profits to be followed by Bellingham also with mega profits, which we missed when he moved to Dortmund. We just don’t have the skill set or tools in the locker to replicate that. The ONLY one difference I can spot, the P.R.A.T.S and their associates the scouting department, if we even have one are culpable for it.
Often I cringe when I here we are after a player like Raphina who was bought by Leeds in October 2020 for £17 million, why did we not find this in demand player ourselves?
As long as KSE is willing to through good money after the P.R.A.T.S. be my guest just deliver the goods at the end of the season.
Anyone watching the euro u19 finals tonight. Ingerland beating that well known european country Israel 3-1 in ET. Brooke Norton Cuffy looking really good but we should be trying to sign Carney Chukwuemeka from Villa. Fucking tremendous – just like PV 4 at that age.
By the way, some really good AFC discussions tonight lads. Thanks. I’m enjoying reading them. Marc – you’re spot on about the collective lack of trust in Arteta. That and the extraordinarily dislikeable vibe he gives off.
Killroy – I guess you’re watching rather a lot of international rugby tomorrow. Who are you going for in those games?
TRVL
Neither you nor Tony should feel insulted by being compared to each other but your writing styles are fucking worlds apart. I read that and literally snorted with laughter in bed this morning. Ms Kroenkephobe though I was about to pop my clogs and quickly reached for our last will and testament. Le Grove is infected with some profoundly stupid twats, many of whom are figures in Pedro’s multiple personality disorder. In a nutshell – and at the risk of being reductionist – LG’s just become shit these days and many of the best people have left. #fuckcatweasle
I am all set for the 4 friendly Rugby Test matches that are on tomorrow. Got a VPN from SurfShark $90 for 3 years. Installed the Chrome Browser extension set the server to Melbourne Australia, logged onto 9now. com.au and am all set for the free streaming 3 matches between Australia and England on the 9gem site. This is a tough one to call but would like to see the Wallabies take it.
The bad part is these live games are on at 6:00am US EST may try one of them. The New Zealand v Ireland are on at 4:00am and will download the posted 720p/50 from my favorite tracker. Likewise the Argentina v Scotland and the Springboks v Wales since I am not that interested in them will download the matches which are 4GB in size.
I could go another route with the VPN and buy for $50 all the remaining SANZAAR matches for the year including the Rugby Championship. Tried the VPN and sure enough sanzaarrugby . tv allows me to buy a season pass. But again the live times are at an ungodly EST time.
A very good distraction from the TW breakdown by Arsenal fans. JustArsenal dot com has some heated discussions on Arteta and a far more vocal bunch of guys with some superb reasoning why the MIT has to go.
Let the weekend Rugby games begin, sold out stadiums in New Zealand, Australia and South Africa.
Killroy
unfortunately the JA resistance gig was largely predicated on myself and a few other regulars, like DanK., Reggie etc, who are currently being crushed into silence by AdPat under the guise of removing what he deems as “negative” distractions…it’s a real sad state of affairs
Kroenkephobe
ironically, Pedro’s gimp, Nigel, was convinced that I was the reincarnated you for a considerable period of time, of which I found to be a rather flattering mistake on his part…when he continually raised this notion, I finally responded by telling him that I had done a bit of a deep dive, regarding your online presence, and that I was very appreciative of any such comparison…have a good one
Killroy
It’s the southern hemisphere winning three tomorrow in my view and England beating the Wallabies. I always thought the Wallaby was a crap animal to adopt for a rugby team which ought to be projecting strength and hardness. Small, cuddly and docile – they might as well have called themselves the Koalas.
Enjoy the Argentina v Scotland game. If its played in Buenos Aires, there should be a real football stadiun type atmosphere. I saw the ABs beat the Pumas (now there’s a properly hard beast) twice at Velez Sarsfield’s ground back in the 90s.
TRVL
LOL. Nigel T is THE worst of Pravda Pedro’s piss poor other selves (and there are numerous contenders I think).
KP
The Scotland v Argentina game will be at 15:00 EST played in Estadio 23 De Agosto, Jujuy. Will try to find a way to get a live feed as ESPN AR has the rights and feeds. Pablo Matera (Crusaders) will be in the lineup.
The Wallabies actually have really improved and they will give England a hard time or a good match hopefully. ABs sure to win unless the COVID outbreak in both camps will throw it the way of the Irish since they had the lesser problems.
The stadium atmospheres should be fantastic and I will see what the station commentators are like. Stan Sports are excellent hopefully 9GEM will match that.
KP
Got up early and am watching England v Wallabies now live on 9NOW with VPN, thanks for technology and what an atmosphere in the stadium.
Me too. That red card was daft no. A half hearted headbutt. Reminded me of that time beckham got sent off at a wc for tapping simeone with his leg. Really impressed with Ludlam.
Makes a change from discussing our fortunes in the TW!
Totally agree but the handling errors and the penalty count for the Wallabies is terrible plus the injuries to 3 of their starting 11s is not good. But love the atmosphere in the stadium.
Nice try there.
Again very welcome the TW break especially if the Chavs get De Ligt and we loose Gabriel doesn’t look too good for the process, mind you the process anyhow sucked.