A secret office deep in the bowels of the Emirates stadium. With the transfer window well and truly open the People Responsible for Arsenal’s Transfer Strategy (P.R.A.T.S) have been working flat out to create a squad that is capable of taking Arsenal to the mythical ‘next level’. The unusual amount of early activity in the market has resulted in an energy and enthusiasm which is palpable in the room. There is a sense of achievement, indeed pride in that achievement. And no one personified this more than chairman Josh Kroenke whose beaming smile illuminated the room.
JK: Guys, I gotta tell you, I am excited, very goddam excited. I’m buzzing right now. We are on the cusp of something real special here, I can feel it. (looks directly at Arteta and Edu). When I told Pops that you two would lead us to the promised land I never believed we would get here so quickly. How long has it been now?
MA: (loudly and proudly) This is season one Josh… (mutters inaudibly) of project three.
JK: Season one, we’re straight in at the top guys!
SR: Yep, 5th place, little ‘ol Arsenal, who would have thought it possible?
JK: And it doesn’t end there, does it Mike? (With the unbridled enthusiasm of a child waiting for his birthday present) Tell me about the rabbits Mike, tell me how it’s gonna be.
MA: Aw shucks Josh, you don’t need me to tell you that again. You already know it better than me.
JK: (jumping up and down on his seat with uncontrollable excitement) No, please Mike, please, tell me like you done before, please, just once more. (his tongue hanging out of his mouth even as he speaks) Tell us about the rabbits.
MA: Oh alright then…(everyone sits perfectly still despite, or maybe because of, the delightful anticipation coursing through each of them. It was a story they had heard many times before but it never failed to extract the maximum of joy from it’s listeners who were enraptured from start to finish, transported to the magical world that it’s weaver was spinning). Well, guys like us, working in football clubs, are the loneliest guys in the world, always working, nothing to look forward to…
Edu: (unable to control himself, shouts out) But not us Mikel, not us…
MA: (Smiling paternally at him) No, not us.
SR: (Hyperventilating with delight) ‘Cos we got you and you got us…
MA: Sure, I got you and you got me…
JK: (squealing) Tell us how it’s gonna be Mike.
MA: (Glances slowly around at each of them in a calm but measured way, letting them know that he would brook no further interruptions) Well, we’re gonna build a little team in our little stadium. Gonna grow some alfalfa and strawberries in the centre of the pitch, we don’t use that part much, to meet their dietary needs. Gonna keep some rabbits to eat the grass and keep the pitch trimmed.
JK: (Clapping his hands together) And I get to feed them, don’t I? Don’t I Mike?
MA: (looks at him tenderly) Sure, Josh, you get to feed them. (continues painting the scene). Gonna play a few matches, might win some ,might lose some, but it won’t matter cos nobody gets to tell us what to do (as always these words are greeted with a thrill running through his captivated audience). Ain’t nobody gonna hold us accountable for nothin’.
Edu: Cos we gonna live off the fat of the Kroenkes!!
MA: (Proudly) That’s right, we’re gonna live off the fat of the Kroenkes. We’re gonna have our own objectives, none of this accountability rubbish. If we’re winning we’ll look at the league table. And if we’re not, we’ll just make up our own! The season will start when we say it starts. And in Winter time, when the ice is on the ground and the snow is on the roof, when we’ve run out of players and excuses, when the project will require yet another rebranding, we won’t care what anybody else says…
JK: (Moved to tears) Cos we’ll have each other…
MA: (holding out his hands to the members either side of him who in turn hold hands until all the P.R.A.T.S are holding hands in a circle) Yes, we’ll have each other…and your Daddy’s money of course.
JK: Pops money, of course.
SR: Yes, we’ll need that.
Edu: Definitely.
(The spell created by the telling of the tale is ended and a more business like tone is assumed).
JK: Speaking of having each other’s backs I’d just like to put on record once again my thanks to Mike over the whole Vieira confusion.
MA: (Quickly and with emphasis) There’s no need…really.
JK: (Totally unaware of Arteta’s unease). No, no Mike, it needs to be said. Only for you I’d have looked like I just fell off the turnip truck. When my Pops told me it was time to get Vieira in, I damn near messed it up. Nearly rang Buckingham Palace.
Edu: (surprised) Crystal Palace? What stopped you?
JK: (With admiration) Why, my good friend Mike here explained to me that I was after getting my Vieira’s mixed up and that Pops wanted that young guy from Lisbon. Christ on a bike, seems I was the only guy who hadn’t heard of this kid. Mike told me how all the big clubs were after him. Well, I knew then that he must be the one Pops wanted. Makes sense.
Edu: (looking at Arteta while thoughtfully rubbing his chin) It’s certainly starting to…
MA: ( Rapidly attempting to move the conversation on) Anyway, you still have the letter?
JK: (Holding up a piece of paper) Sure have Mike, Pops signed it himself.
SR: (Confused) What letter?
JK: (Sulkily) Well Pops said that we can’t go spending his money unchecked anymore, some rubbish about not throwing good money after bad, whatever that means! Now I have to get a letter from him every time we want to buy a player. But Mike here (winking at Arteta) came up with a plan.
MA: (With obviously false humility) It was nothing really…
JK: Mike, it was genius. (Whispers conspiratorially to the group). See, what we did was, we went to Pops looking for a few bucks to buy that Marquinhos dude. But when Pops was writing the ok he couldn’t spell the name, nor could I, and Mikel here pretended he couldn’t either (All eyes turn to Arteta).
MA: (Blushing furiously) Pretended…yeah.
JK: So Pops gave me a letter saying ‘Give the kid the money to sign the Brazilian dude’. Goddam it’s like a blank cheque…all we have to do is keep buying Brazilians, this letter gives me access to all the money we need. Marquinhos? Yes please!
MA: Gabriel Jesus? Thank you very much.
SR: Raphina? Well, why ever not?
Edu: (slowly comprehending what he’d just heard) So that’s why I’ve spent more time in Brazil than the great train robbers! But, hold on…how did you squeeze the money for Vieira? He’s Portuguese!
JK: Same thing isn’t it? All the Portuguese speak Brazilian don’t they?
Edu: (shocked at the ignorance) No! They’re not the same. Brazilians speak Portuguese.
JK: (Amazed) You mean Brazilians are ambidextrous? They speak Brazilian AND Portuguese? That’s awesome man, they are even cleverer than I thought. (Pauses for dramatic effect) You know I’m ambidextrous too?
SR: (Impressed) Really?
JK: (Proudly) Yep. I can speak English and American…self-taught.
Edu: (shaking his head) You mean you’re bilingual?
JK: (vehemently) No sir! Not me! I’m a ladies man only. (Embarrassed) The other night on the boat…I thought she said her name was Shemal…sounded exotic….I didn’t know honest..
MA: (whispers to Edu) Took him 12 hours in the bed to find out…
Edu: (whispers back) Well in his defence it takes him a long time to get a grip on most things!
(At this point Inaki Cana, the legendary blind goalkeeping coach removes his dark glasses and addresses the meeting)
IC: Gentlemen, this Brazilian-only rule is all fine and well, but may I remind you that Brazil’s two finest goalkeepers are already in the hands of the top two teams in this country. We cannot hope to poach them.
MA: (looks questioningly at him) Poach them? Why would we do that? We spent £30 million last year on Aaron Ramsdale at your behest.
IC: Yes. And he was good…for a while…was he not? And now it is time for a change. Leno to Martinez to Ryan to Runnarson to Ramsdale. Now it is time to go again, yes?
MA: (angry) Go again? Go a-fuckingain? Ramsdale is meant to be our long term future. He was bought to man the posts at this club for the next decade!
IC: (Stubbornly) Well no-one told me!
MA: (In disbelief) No-one told you?? What in the name of Christ did you think you were doing?
IC: (Defensively) Hold on a second now. You asked for a goalkeeper, I got you a goalkeeper. How am I meant to know if they’re any good? It’s not bloody Nostradamus you have here you know.
JK: (Whispers to Arteta) Hey Mike, come on, take it easy on the guy. You know we have to keep up our quota of disabled employees. Poor guy can’t see a thing. He was wandering around the local fishmarket for two hours last night offering money to all the staff. Thought he was in a brothel.
SR: Well that explains letting Martinez go.
MA: And telling us that Ramsdale was worth £30 mill.
Edu: And Runnarson.
IC: (Angrily) Stop right there! Runnarson was not my doing. (Remembering) One night last year as I sat at my desk I sensed a presence behind me. I turned to find a man standing there, ‘a friend of the club’ he described himself as. He told me of this brilliant young Icelandic keeper that was the second coming of Peter Schmeichel. He convinced me I’d be mad not to sign him. There was something familiar about this stranger yet I could not quite put my finger on why I felt I knew him. But his argument was convincing and it was on his word that Runnarson was signed.
JK: (shocked) You were tricked Inaki! Did you get a good look at him?
IC: It was dark and my eyesight was betraying me even then. But he was tall and thin, elegant one might say, with a hooked nose and small beady eyes that shone with a madness. His hair was silver and he wore a jacket with a FIFA badge sewn into it’s pocket. He spoke with a gallic accent that was an intoxicating mixture of intelligence and condescension. He spoke of moving the club to the next level.
JK: (in frustration) It’s not much to go on Inaki. Are you sure there was nothing else, no other clue?
IC: (Pondering) No…although he did trip over my cane on his way out the door. When I asked him if he was alright he simply replied “I didn’t see it”. I bent down to pick up my cane but when I stood up he was gone.
(The P.R.A.T.S all stand shaking their heads in disbelief as Cani’s reminiscing ends)
SR: A spy in our midst.
JK: Worse, a master of disguise. He could quite literally be anyone who is grey, tall, thin, hooked nose, French and works for FIFA.
Edu: This is beyond even our intelligence…
MA: (Eyes narrowing, voice lowering menacingly) Perhaps my friends, perhaps. But there is something in that description that has set me thinking. (If this was a film the camera would slowly begin to focus solely on Arteta, first his entire body, then as the following words were spoken moving closer, closer,until only his face was visible) A man…no, a legend, once stalked these corridors. His power was unequalled throughout this club, his influence second to none. But like all great figures his time had to come to an end and it was I who sealed his fate. Yet I always doubted that he was completely gone, often I sensed him, fleetingly, as though he had left a room seconds before I entered. But now I’m certain that my suspicions were correct, his presence here is very real.
JK: (Horrified) You mean…?
MA: (Assuredly) Yes my friend. Inaki’s descriptions have left me in no doubt…Gunnersaurus has returned.
(The scene becomes one of chaos as the P.R.A.T.S cling to each other in fear with only Arteta retaining any composure. There is the steely determination in his eyes of one who recognises a critical juncture ahead…).
To be continued…
This story is entirely original. Any similarities to Steinbeck’s ‘Of Mice and Men’ are not only coincidental but figments of your own imagination. Seek help.
[Satire] is a collection of brilliance from one of our readers Almuniasaynomore, who can be seen lurking in comments often. If you are a gooner by heart, is saddened by the current state of Arsenal Football Club, this section tries to have a laugh at expense of some.
If you feel offended, remember, they’re just jokes. We’re all gonna die soon and there’s no football in hell or heaven, so remember that.
Feedbacks are welcome in the comments!
Like I said earlier the Wallabies have really improved and it looks like that is a win for them in the 1st test match.
So we’re 5 weeks away from the start of the season and CM doesn’t look close to being sorted.
We need 2 new players in CM – a replacement for Xhaka and then backup for Party. Switching to 4-3-3 should be a sackable offence for Arteta, if that’s how he wants to play why has it taken him 2 full seasons to implement it?
We’re going to start the season completely unprepared and we don’t have the easy start some have proclaimed. Arteta is going to completely Arteta this season up – at least it will be his last if he does.
Marc
I thought I read somewhere today that Tielemans is starting to look likely. If that leads to GX’s departure it’ll be a double whammy. 🙏
I agree that persistently reinventing tactics as if he’s only 2 days in the job is dishonest and infuriating. It’s as if the entire Willian farrago never took place.
Kroenke
My issue is the constant resetting of what’s reasonable levels of performance. New players will nearly always need time to bed in therefore the bar should be set at “it’s a marathon not a sprint, we have a good squad that can start the season and new signings will make an impact as the season goes on” what we’ll get when we don’t perform to an acceptable level is the excuse of “Arteta didn’t have the signings early enough to have a proper pre season”.
It’s as if we’re the only team starting the league early. Don’t even get me started on the excuses that the World Cup will bring up.
Marc
Agreed. The common factor throughout is that the standards are not only persistently changing but that when they change the expectation goes in a downwards direction. I’m astonished sometimes by the mealy-mouthed, ‘it’s a process’ bullshit that comes out of some supporters’ mouths. Neither we nor the club would have accepted such mediocrity in the past. The usual apologists will be out soon saying it’s year one and far too early to be making predictions. The entire organisation is stagnating and far too many people are content with that. I’m pretty certain that wouldn’t be the case if PV (or almost anyone bar Tets!) was in the dugout. That’s why I genuinely question whether Pedro and his acolytes are actually Arsenal fans.
Kroenke
Pedro was but he’s somehow morphed into an Arteta fan – if Arteta moved to Barca you’d get pieces on how Barca are playing better football than the peak Pep / Messi years.
The crazy thing in all this is the Kroenke’s seem to be happy for the club to spend large amounts.
What worries me is when this will have to be repaid because when Arteta goes a new coach is going to have some serious work to do – will they be given the same level of financial support?
Marc
“Pedro was but he’s somehow morphed into an Arteta fan”
surely it can’t be a coincidence that this once fiery Wenger ouster has now become our current poor man’s version’s greatest cheerleader…it’s not even like he’s subtle about his continual about-face maneuvers, like when he was hammering Jesus on the regular, then as soon as our MIT appeared to have secured his services, all of a sudden he’s the second coming…I just think it’s a crying shame that those blogs which were once a haven for free speech, on both sides of any argument, are now glorified echo chambers where commonsensical ideas go to die
TRVL
My question isn’t what’s happened to the blogs it’s why / how? I got binned from Le Bullshit over a year ago for nothing when you compare it to my previous butting head episodes with Pedro. When I wasn’t allowed back on after a couple of months I was a bit pissed off now I wear it as a badge of both honour and proof that I’m a genuine fan – mate you should take it the same way.
Reading the various blogs and the BS that is being spouted there is a total waste of ones time trying to proof your point or even educating someone who has a totally erroneous and flawed point of view.
The Kool aid kids like it that way, they want it that way, because they want to escape reality since it hurts too much. Reading over and over in the comments of some sane posters the following “foremost I am a realist” that is not welcome on most of the Arsenal blogs.
It could very well be that the blogs are now on the same level as other influencers that appear on YouTube or Instagram and perhaps get some perks from the brand product in this case Arsenal. After all the media click bait merchants make a living of it why not the blog bait merchants which is the only thing that makes sense.
For the time being I have given up frequenting the sites and wait until the time comes when the season starts and some kind of normality has been restored as anything else is just most infuriating.
Cheers Marc & Killroy
as I’ve suggested on numerous occasions, there’s no doubt in my mind that some old school “payola” is being offered up…why else would any site discourage those who most move their respective needles, unless this is of little consequence because they’re being propped-up monetarily by those within the organizational tree…this wasn’t the case during the latter Wenger years, as they didn’t fully comprehend how to best incorporate outside social media outlets into their collective plans…so instead of pouring more monies into their own fledgling endeavours, which already had logical credibility issues, they simply invested in those entities whom had rose to prominence during that most arduous of times(how ironic)…what better way to push a club-contrived narrative than to use the very blogs which once stood firmly within the “opposition” camp, so to speak…it’s some nasty ass “trojan horse” shit
our PR machine is like a slightly more subtle version of this GD LIV golf gig, which has developed a whole host of phrases that are meant to show the supposed fundamental contrasts between what’s presently on offer and anything that proceeded it…yet anyone who isn’t legally blind and/or has even a modicum on commonsense knows what’s up, so they naturally take everything with an exceptionally large grain of salt
“modicum on commonsense” now there is a rare find in today’s society that are reveling in keeping up with the Kardashians and are into other mind numbing tasks and interests that totally rob them of what little thinking ability God gave them at birth.
I think we are experiencing today what worked for the Romans “”Give then Bread and circuses”.
No doubt Killroy…the devolution of “man” continues fell steam ahead regardless of those who might claim otherwise…for every meticulously planned excursion into space or AI advancement, there’s a 90 day fiancé marathon garnering vastly more attention…that’s why it’s so infuriating when life requires one to interact with those whom appear, at least on the surface, to be reasonably well-intentioned individuals, yet continually act in an entirely irrational and/or contrived manner…of course, I have no problem whatsoever with those who hold differing opinions, in fact, that’s what makes us uniquely qualified to sit comfortably atop of this highly complex food chain…that said, we’re no better than the dogs of Pavlov if we allow those with a totally self-serving agenda to stifle any competing narratives…in the immortal words of Patrick McGoohan, I’m not a number, I’m a free man…shoutout to the incomparable Bruce Dickinson, who belted out those very same words a decade and a half later
TRVL
If that’s the erstwhile lead singer of Iron Maiden you’re talking about (and heavy metal would never become a specialist subject of mine so excuse me if I’m wrong) but didn’t he also sing, ‘666 the number of the beast’. He needs to sort out his numerical philosophy from his Satan worship!
Call me a sad fanboy bastard but did anyone else see the highlights of yesterday’s kick about against the mighty tractor boys from Ipswich. Very early in the season and all that but I think I detected a higher and much more aggressive press than in other games. Probably a cinch against the likes of John Deere and Massey Ferguson but it augurs well I suppose. And little Eddie Unket got a hattrick in a 5-1 stroll. Better than last year’s start anyway.
… And it helps make up for that Roger Osborne goal in the 1978 fa cup final (which still upsets me!)
KP
Had a fantastic Saturday finished watching 4 International Rugby matches. Two of them were thrillers and I watched the Springboks v Wales and the Pumas v Scotland using this most excellent service “apps. stream2watch .sx” HD quality and no buffering. NZ game, downloaded it and the Irish got blown away, Australia v England live on 9GEM.
After the last match frequented a few blog sites where AFC was being bantered and all the tranquility tanked up from 4 exciting matches went out of the door by reading idiotic statements by those pushing agendas.
Note to self refrain from visiting these sites NOT more often then once a week before start of season. Instead frequent daily LIR and subreddit r/rugbyunion to enjoy peace of mind and laughs.
Tomorrow holiday hear in the US and planning outdoor activities enjoy your weekend.
Kroenkephobe
none other than the somewhat mercurial and still current Maiden front-man, whose varied interests include being an avid historian, commercial pilot, published author and accomplished fencer…their musical offerings have functionally little to do with anything truly “satanic”, minus the aforementioned Number of the Beast selection and, in fact, discuss a variety of far more historically significant subjects, like 2 Minutes to Midnight, Aces High, Run to the Hills and the Rime of the Ancient Mariner…of course, very few were packing stadiums to expand their respective historical horizons…at one point though, my high school English teacher played the latter song in an unsuccessful attempt to reach the seemingly most “unreachable” members of his classroom, which I thought was a worthy “out of the box” tactic and told him so…for me, I was simply a big fan of his operatic vocal style, much like Dio, Halford, etc…
TRVL
Rob H and Judas Priest. Now they’re a properly interesting band. Halford a superstar in a macho hetero industry like heavy metal must have taken some doing. I just wiki’ed JP – amazing that they were formed in 1969. Living After Midnight and it must take some balls (ahem) to produce a track called exciter. High camp – I think they possibly drove a lot of their fans mad. If I ever needed to pick a heavy metal football XI, Halford would be my GK with those leather studded armbands he used to wear and the little leather cap would be good for seeing balls (cough) when high crosses are coming into his box. Maybe he’s still got them on right now somewhere…
Killroy
Yeah mate, good idea to let all that Artetapologist bullshit just go to earth for a bit. He’s incapable of putting a team together that’ll consistently go out and get results (22 game undefeated streak managed by his predecessor of all people) so best to just let it wash over you and laugh at the idiots and plastic fans tying themselves in knots. Easy for me to say I know, but a good opportunity to practice impulse control.
The entire narrative coming from bullshit central at the moment is spinning that Arsenal is having a brilliant transfer window. Really? Why?
Your comment triggered a Phrase that John Stewart used while doing the daily show when he called Fox News (part of Rupert Murdoch’s empire) “Bullshit Mountain” kind of fits because of what comes out of the megaphones of blogs and club.
“The entire narrative coming from bullshit central at the moment is spinning that Arsenal is having a brilliant transfer window. Really? Why?”
If I was going to make a comment on the transfer window so far it would be that it’s been pretty quiet – for all clubs Haarland signing aside.
Now whether that’s because not much is happening or I’m just not as interested as normal I can’t say but the fan boys basic tactic is slagging off other clubs, players or managers because they think that makes Arteta look better. It doesn’t.
Any news on the resurrection and second coming of Jesus?
Looks like I can answer my own question. The messi-aaaah has touched down in N7.
The photo on the BBC website is illuminating. Jesus looking like Jesus (el cristo redentor) as captured at the corcovado in the hills overlooking Rio de Janeiro. No pressure then…
Kroenke
I still can’t shake this feeling that Arteta is not going to be capable of getting the best out of him and will end up playing him wide to keep him in the team at the detriment of other existing players.
We’ll see pretty soon though – my guess is that the “season” will start pre season with a couple of performances in friendlies then get paused for a while before the World Cup comes along and provides a convenient excuse for the fan boys.