Tell us about the rabbits Mikel!

A secret office deep in the bowels of the Emirates stadium. With the transfer window well and truly open the People Responsible for Arsenal’s Transfer Strategy (P.R.A.T.S) have been working flat out to create a squad that is capable of taking Arsenal to the mythical ‘next level’. The unusual amount of early activity in the market has resulted in an energy and enthusiasm which is palpable in the room. There is a sense of achievement, indeed pride in that achievement. And no one personified this more than chairman Josh Kroenke whose beaming smile illuminated the room.

JK: Guys, I gotta tell you, I am excited, very goddam excited. I’m buzzing right now. We are on the cusp of something real special here, I can feel it. (looks directly at Arteta and Edu). When I told Pops that you two would lead us to the promised land I never believed we would get here so quickly. How long has it been now?

MA: (loudly and proudly) This is season one Josh… (mutters inaudibly) of project three.

JK: Season one, we’re straight in at the top guys!

SR: Yep, 5th place, little ‘ol Arsenal, who would have thought it possible?

JK: And it doesn’t end there, does it Mike? (With the unbridled enthusiasm of a child waiting for his birthday present) Tell me about the rabbits Mike, tell me how it’s gonna be.

MA: Aw shucks Josh, you don’t need me to tell you that again. You already know it better than me.

JK: (jumping up and down on his seat with uncontrollable excitement) No, please Mike, please, tell me like you done before, please, just once more. (his tongue hanging out of his mouth even as he speaks) Tell us about the rabbits.

MA: Oh alright then…(everyone sits perfectly still despite, or maybe because of, the delightful anticipation coursing through each of them. It was a story they had heard many times before but it never failed to extract the maximum of joy from it’s listeners who were enraptured from start to finish, transported to the magical world that it’s weaver was spinning). Well, guys like us, working in football clubs, are the loneliest guys in the world, always working, nothing to look forward to…

Edu: (unable to control himself, shouts out) But not us Mikel, not us…

MA: (Smiling paternally at him) No, not us.

SR: (Hyperventilating with delight) ‘Cos we got you and you got us…

MA: Sure, I got you and you got me…

JK: (squealing) Tell us how it’s gonna be Mike.

MA: (Glances slowly around at each of them in a calm but measured way, letting them know that he would brook no further interruptions) Well, we’re gonna build a little team in our little stadium. Gonna grow some alfalfa and strawberries in the centre of the pitch, we don’t use that part much, to meet their dietary needs. Gonna keep some rabbits to eat the grass and keep the pitch trimmed.

JK: (Clapping his hands together) And I get to feed them, don’t I? Don’t I Mike?

MA: (looks at him tenderly) Sure, Josh, you get to feed them. (continues painting the scene). Gonna play a few matches, might win some ,might lose some, but it won’t matter cos nobody gets to tell us what to do (as always these words are greeted with a thrill running through his captivated audience). Ain’t nobody gonna hold us accountable for nothin’.

Edu: Cos we gonna live off the fat of the Kroenkes!!

MA: (Proudly) That’s right, we’re gonna live off the fat of the Kroenkes. We’re gonna have our own objectives, none of this accountability rubbish. If we’re winning we’ll look at the league table. And if we’re not, we’ll just make up our own! The season will start when we say it starts. And in Winter time, when the ice is on the ground and the snow is on the roof, when we’ve run out of players and excuses, when the project will require yet another rebranding, we won’t care what anybody else says…

JK: (Moved to tears) Cos we’ll have each other…

MA: (holding out his hands to the members either side of him who in turn hold hands until all the P.R.A.T.S are holding hands in a circle) Yes, we’ll have each other…and your Daddy’s money of course.

JK: Pops money, of course.

SR: Yes, we’ll need that.

Edu: Definitely.
(The spell created by the telling of the tale is ended and a more business like tone is assumed).

JK: Speaking of having each other’s backs I’d just like to put on record once again my thanks to Mike over the whole Vieira confusion.

MA: (Quickly and with emphasis) There’s no need…really.

JK: (Totally unaware of Arteta’s unease). No, no Mike, it needs to be said. Only for you I’d have looked like I just fell off the turnip truck. When my Pops told me it was time to get Vieira in, I damn near messed it up. Nearly rang Buckingham Palace.

Edu: (surprised) Crystal Palace? What stopped you?

JK: (With admiration) Why, my good friend Mike here explained to me that I was after getting my Vieira’s mixed up and that Pops wanted that young guy from Lisbon. Christ on a bike, seems I was the only guy who hadn’t heard of this kid. Mike told me how all the big clubs were after him. Well, I knew then that he must be the one Pops wanted. Makes sense.

Edu: (looking at Arteta while thoughtfully rubbing his chin) It’s certainly starting to…

MA: ( Rapidly attempting to move the conversation on) Anyway, you still have the letter?

JK: (Holding up a piece of paper) Sure have Mike, Pops signed it himself.

SR: (Confused) What letter?

JK: (Sulkily) Well Pops said that we can’t go spending his money unchecked anymore, some rubbish about not throwing good money after bad, whatever that means! Now I have to get a letter from him every time we want to buy a player. But Mike here (winking at Arteta) came up with a plan.

MA: (With obviously false humility) It was nothing really…

JK: Mike, it was genius. (Whispers conspiratorially to the group). See, what we did was, we went to Pops looking for a few bucks to buy that Marquinhos dude. But when Pops was writing the ok he couldn’t spell the name, nor could I, and Mikel here pretended he couldn’t either (All eyes turn to Arteta).

MA: (Blushing furiously) Pretended…yeah.

JK: So Pops gave me a letter saying ‘Give the kid the money to sign the Brazilian dude’. Goddam it’s like a blank cheque…all we have to do is keep buying Brazilians, this letter gives me access to all the money we need. Marquinhos? Yes please!

MA: Gabriel Jesus? Thank you very much.

SR: Raphina? Well, why ever not?

Edu: (slowly comprehending what he’d just heard) So that’s why I’ve spent more time in Brazil than the great train robbers! But, hold on…how did you squeeze the money for Vieira? He’s Portuguese!

JK: Same thing isn’t it? All the Portuguese speak Brazilian don’t they?

Edu: (shocked at the ignorance) No! They’re not the same. Brazilians speak Portuguese.

JK: (Amazed) You mean Brazilians are ambidextrous? They speak Brazilian AND Portuguese? That’s awesome man, they are even cleverer than I thought. (Pauses for dramatic effect) You know I’m ambidextrous too?

SR: (Impressed) Really?

JK: (Proudly) Yep. I can speak English and American…self-taught.

Edu: (shaking his head) You mean you’re bilingual?

JK: (vehemently) No sir! Not me! I’m a ladies man only. (Embarrassed) The other night on the boat…I thought she said her name was Shemal…sounded exotic….I didn’t know honest..

MA: (whispers to Edu) Took him 12 hours in the bed to find out…

Edu: (whispers back) Well in his defence it takes him a long time to get a grip on most things!
(At this point Inaki Cana, the legendary blind goalkeeping coach removes his dark glasses and addresses the meeting)

IC: Gentlemen, this Brazilian-only rule is all fine and well, but may I remind you that Brazil’s two finest goalkeepers are already in the hands of the top two teams in this country. We cannot hope to poach them.
MA: (looks questioningly at him) Poach them? Why would we do that? We spent £30 million last year on Aaron Ramsdale at your behest.
IC: Yes. And he was good…for a while…was he not? And now it is time for a change. Leno to Martinez to Ryan to Runnarson to Ramsdale. Now it is time to go again, yes?

MA: (angry) Go again? Go a-fuckingain? Ramsdale is meant to be our long term future. He was bought to man the posts at this club for the next decade!

IC: (Stubbornly) Well no-one told me!

MA: (In disbelief) No-one told you?? What in the name of Christ did you think you were doing?

IC: (Defensively) Hold on a second now. You asked for a goalkeeper, I got you a goalkeeper. How am I meant to know if they’re any good? It’s not bloody Nostradamus you have here you know.

JK: (Whispers to Arteta) Hey Mike, come on, take it easy on the guy. You know we have to keep up our quota of disabled employees. Poor guy can’t see a thing. He was wandering around the local fishmarket for two hours last night offering money to all the staff. Thought he was in a brothel.

SR: Well that explains letting Martinez go.

MA: And telling us that Ramsdale was worth £30 mill.

Edu: And Runnarson.

IC: (Angrily) Stop right there! Runnarson was not my doing. (Remembering) One night last year as I sat at my desk I sensed a presence behind me. I turned to find a man standing there, ‘a friend of the club’ he described himself as. He told me of this brilliant young Icelandic keeper that was the second coming of Peter Schmeichel. He convinced me I’d be mad not to sign him. There was something familiar about this stranger yet I could not quite put my finger on why I felt I knew him. But his argument was convincing and it was on his word that Runnarson was signed.

JK: (shocked) You were tricked Inaki! Did you get a good look at him?

IC: It was dark and my eyesight was betraying me even then. But he was tall and thin, elegant one might say, with a hooked nose and small beady eyes that shone with a madness. His hair was silver and he wore a jacket with a FIFA badge sewn into it’s pocket. He spoke with a gallic accent that was an intoxicating mixture of intelligence and condescension. He spoke of moving the club to the next level.

JK: (in frustration) It’s not much to go on Inaki. Are you sure there was nothing else, no other clue?

IC: (Pondering) No…although he did trip over my cane on his way out the door. When I asked him if he was alright he simply replied “I didn’t see it”. I bent down to pick up my cane but when I stood up he was gone.
(The P.R.A.T.S all stand shaking their heads in disbelief as Cani’s reminiscing ends)

SR: A spy in our midst.

JK: Worse, a master of disguise. He could quite literally be anyone who is grey, tall, thin, hooked nose, French and works for FIFA.

Edu: This is beyond even our intelligence…

MA: (Eyes narrowing, voice lowering menacingly) Perhaps my friends, perhaps. But there is something in that description that has set me thinking. (If this was a film the camera would slowly begin to focus solely on Arteta, first his entire body, then as the following words were spoken moving closer, closer,until only his face was visible) A man…no, a legend, once stalked these corridors. His power was unequalled throughout this club, his influence second to none. But like all great figures his time had to come to an end and it was I who sealed his fate. Yet I always doubted that he was completely gone, often I sensed him, fleetingly, as though he had left a room seconds before I entered. But now I’m certain that my suspicions were correct, his presence here is very real.

JK: (Horrified) You mean…?

MA: (Assuredly) Yes my friend. Inaki’s descriptions have left me in no doubt…Gunnersaurus has returned.
(The scene becomes one of chaos as the P.R.A.T.S cling to each other in fear with only Arteta retaining any composure. There is the steely determination in his eyes of one who recognises a critical juncture ahead…).

To be continued…

This story is entirely original. Any similarities to Steinbeck’s ‘Of Mice and Men’ are not only coincidental but figments of your own imagination. Seek help.

---

[Satire] is a collection of brilliance from one of our readers Almuniasaynomore, who can be seen lurking in comments often. If you are a gooner by heart, is saddened by the current state of Arsenal Football Club, this section tries to have a laugh at expense of some.

If you feel offended, remember, they’re just jokes. We’re all gonna die soon and there’s no football in hell or heaven, so remember that.

Feedbacks are welcome in the comments!