June 2023.
Mikel Arteta’s fourth season as Arsenal manager has concluded and the traditional end of season celebration is underway in a plush, undisclosed, London Hotel. The team, management, auxiliary staff and board members are being treated to a meal worthy of league champi.. runners up. Although attempts to mingle the group together have been made there is one obvious exception. On a raised alcove, in the corner of the spacious dining room, slightly more shaded than the rest, as if the lighting itself could sense the mood, sat Arsenal’s brains trust, manager Mikel Arteta, DOF Edu, assistant manager Steve Round, goalkeeping coach Inaki Cana, CEO Vinai Venkatesham and chairman Josh Kroenke. Another seat was provided but remained conspicuously empty.
Underneath the table, furnished with his own bowl and plate was Arsenal’s newest signing, Win the dog. Although each member had taken turns to inject a sense of celebration into the evening, a dull, painful sense of loss permeated the air.
JK: Aw come on guys! This is meant to be a party. I haven’t seen anything this tragic since Gervinho’s haircut!
SR: Yeah, c’mon lads we need to snap out of it, get a few drinks in (signals for the waiter to approach). Sorry mate, can you bring us a round of lagers please?
Waiter: Certainly sir, pints? Glasses?
SR: Bottle for me.
VV: And me.
MA: Me too.
SR: (interrupts to speed up the process) We’re all bottle jobs here mate, thanks. (Continues on unaware of his innuendo). Season’s over now, it’s time to unwind and enjoy ourselves.
Edu: And hallelujah to that! I’m so tired travelling the world staying in these soulless luxury hotels, I just need a break from it all, you know? Treat myself to a relaxing holiday…nice hotel…somewhere foreign. (Lifts his drink) So come on guys, let’s live a little.
MA: (Shakes his head guiltily) It’s my fault lads.
SR: You mean your failure to rotate?
Edu: The glaring inadequacies of the Winter transfer window?
VV: Your selection brainfarts?
JK: The Saliba contract debacle?
IC: The inevitable and painful decline of our top players at the season’s climax…again.
MA: (Shocked into anger) NO YOU JUDAS PRICKS! I was talking about tonight! My mood! I’m struggling to get into a festive spirit.
All: (looking at each other sheepishly) Oh right…of course boss…sorry boss…no offence boss.
Edu: (attempts to repair the damage) C’mon boss, eat your dinner, you like steak. I sourced it myself.
MA: I do like a bit of steak, it has to be said. Where did you get it?
Edu: Man City were here last night, preparing for the cup final, they had this left over, said we could have it (this news is greeted with general murmurs of approval by all)
MA: A coup indeed Edu, well done. (picks up his glass and takes a sip) And the wine, excellent, is this your doing too?
Edu: I wish I could take the credit boss but in truth it was a gift from Chelsea, they sent us a few cases as a gesture of goodwill between our clubs.
IC: (Sniffing and sipping from his glass) It’s a delightful vintage indeed, aged very well.
JK: (confused) And aged is a good thing?
Edu: Oh yes!
MA: But only if it’s from Chelsea.
JK: Only from Chelsea?
MA: Yes only Chelsea.
JK: But isn’t that who we signed Willian from? That guy left in a bit of huff didn’t he?
MA: A simple misunderstanding, long since cleared up. When I signed him I told him he’d be replacing Mkhitaryan and that he’d be winning the champions league in 3 years time. Poor old Willian thought I was talking about him when of course I was merely predicting Mkhitaryan’s forthcoming appearance in this year’s final.
SR: (looking adoring at Arteta) A prophet in his own lifetime.
(Just then a tall figure approached the table, slowly, moving with the quiet dignity of a man who knows that his past is a medal worn confidently on his chest, it earns him respect, it gives his words gravitas)
JK: Arsene my man, not like you to be late when there’s a free meal to be had! Come, sit down, there’s a chair here for you.
AW: My apologies gentlemen, (turns to stare directly at Arteta) there seems to have been some sort of mix up. I was given directions to a different hotel.
JK: Aw shucks, well not to worry, you’re here now and we’re going to make a damn fine night of it, Pop’s treat. I trust you all got settled into your rooms ok, only the best Pops said.
SR: You’re too generous Josh (chuckles to himself) they gave me the honeymoon suite.
Edu: (high fives Steve Round) Nice one, but get this, I’m in the room above you! The penthouse suite! (looks at Arteta) What about you boss? Where are you?
MA: (Speaking to Edu but never breaking eye contact with Wenger) I am in the highest room in the hotel, the presidential suite. (At this all those seated at the table whistle lowly in appreciation) And where have they put you Arsene?
AW: (Smiling like he is the only man in the world intelligent enough to get the joke) I am in the room above you.
MA: (irritated) Impossible! I am on the top floor.
AW: (the smile broadening) And I am on the next level.
MA: (growing increasingly frustrated) And what is the next level?
AW: (innocently) The next level is the next level.
(Arteta, at this point unable to control his anger, opens his mouth to roar his opposition only to swallow a rather large and unchewed piece of steak. He grabs his throat, struggling to breathe as his face turns a peculiar crimson shade. All this time the other members of the group continue to eat and chat. The waiter, appalled at the scene runs over to help)
Waiter: (Pointing at Arteta) Gentlemen…your friend…shall I call a doctor?
JK: (extending a placating arm to the waiter) No need to worry my man, we got this.
Edu: (calmly) This is a regular occurrence
SR: Especially at this time of year.
VV: Watch. Mikel… (All eyes turn to Arteta who has been writhing on the ground gasping for air). Mikel…the season’s over. (Suddenly Arteta sits up and spits out the offending piece of meat.)
MA: Well thank fuck for that.
JK: By the way Mikel, gotta ask you, what’s the deal with the mutt? What it’s name?
MA: (genuine warmth in his voice) You mean Win? Well I just thought it would give the lads a boost to have a friendly animal around the ground. Relieve the pressure a bit you know? I’ve always been a dog lover myself. (Cuts a small piece of steak and lowers his hand under the table, smiling as he feels the warm tongue licking his hand, the comforting sensation of a head resting on his lap)
Its my view that… (his speech is halted mid sentence as he sees a contented Win perched on Arsene’s lap, his former manager stroking the dog with the refined grace of a Bond villain. Becoming alarmed at the weight pressed on his lap Arteta slowly lifts the tablecloth to see Steve Round looking up at him.) Jesus Christ!
(Arteta pushes back his chair) Excuse me, I need to go to the bathroom.
AW: I’ll accompany you if you don’t mind.
MA: (with ill grace) Of course not, after you.
AW: (Smiling) Naturally…
(the two men quickly find themselves alone in the bathroom and metaphorical masks are dropped hastily)
MA: (snarling) Just what is your game?
AW: (defensively) I don’t understand…
MA: (Furiously) You bloody understand all too well. You came into my office two months ago to ‘advise’ me, told me to give holding more game time, start Vieira in the middle of the park, drop Trossard and freeze out ESR. We were top of the league! I did what you said and we fucked it!! Massively!! And you haven’t been seen since!
AW: (soothingly) Mikel, my friend. You must look at the bigger picture. What is it you want most? To win the premiership no?
MA: You know it is.
AW: And to do this, to match the financial juggernaut that is Manchester City, you will need money no?
MA: (anger starting to fade) Of course.
AW: (Smoothly) Well then, you must show the moneymen that investment is needed. Let them see the disadvantages that are crippling you. Highlight our vulnerabilities so to speak.
MA: (Starting to believe) So we threw the title to City in order to secure further financial investment?
AW: (Paternally) Yes my boy!
MA: (Proud at his understanding) And with this new investment I’ll be able to build a team that is good enough to…
AW: (Finishing his sentence) …to beat City to the title, yes.
MA: (tears in his eyes) Arsene, it’s genius. (Bowing his head) I’m sorry I ever doubted you.
AW: Nonsense my boy, you have had a difficult time of late. I have been there you know, trying to take down Fergie’s empire. If you ever need my advice you need only ask.
MA: (shyly, looking around the bathroom to confirm they are alone) Well actually, there is one thing you could help me with…
AW: Of course, anything.
MA: (almost whispering) How did you handle it? You know… the failure. I go to bed at night and try to sleep but all I can see is Ramsdale passing to the wrong team or Partey flicking the ball into an opponents path. I’m haunted, exhausted, shattered. Can you help me? Please!
AW: (puts his arms around Arteta consolingly) It’s all right my boy, it’s all right. I can help.
MA: (Overcome with gratitude) I knew I could rely on you. Tell me, how did you do it? How did you survive the terrors of a title collapse??
AW: (With one arm around Arteta’s shoulders and the other pointing up at some unseen inspiration Wenger utters the next few words as his listener stood trance like) In the season’s where our challenge collapsed I took comfort in…
MA: (Desperately) In??
AW: In the three titles that I won… (slaps a stunned Arteta on the back and walks out of the bathroom whistling happily to himself).
[Satire] is a collection of brilliance from one of our readers Almuniasaynomore, who can be seen lurking in comments often. This section tries to have a laugh at expense of some.
If you feel offended, remember, they’re just jokes. We’re all gonna die soon and there’s no football in hell or heaven, so remember that.
Feedbacks are welcome in the comments!
Bob
I just want you to look at the bigger picture with some clarity and not suck up the propaganda of the club or fan boys. We’re likely looking at starting next season with a new central midfield pairing replacing Partey and Xhaka, lose Saliba and that’s a huge weakness down our spine as new players have to adapt to the PL / club.
This constant “oh its not too bad” or “well its not his fault because” pisses me off. We’re being told we’re looking at a rebuild for fucks sake – how can you rebuild something that didn’t get close to being finished in the first place?
Marc, I’m not ‘sucking up’ to any fan boys. I am not being ‘sucked in ‘ by propaganda. By suggesting this you’re implying that I am far less reasonable and discerning than your take on Arsenal matters. I’m not getting into name calling, we’ll leave it there.
Not that it’s the be-all or end-all, but I find it interesting that MacAllister has already sent a farewell post to the fans of his soon to be former club…why can’t we ever seem to get business done in such an expedient fashion…it’s not like Pool’s in a better financial position than us or that the player in question was on an expiring contract…so what do they have that we don’t possess? a fucking real manager with championship pedigree…this player was high on everybody’s list, yet he choose an organization who can’t even offer CL football…if you can’t see the difference between our sloth-like transfer practices, with our novice duo in charge, and those of a team with a real sense of purpose, who likewise have a manager with considerable drawing power, especially knowing that we’re both undergoing a similar midfield rebuild, then you my friend should consult your optometrist post-haste…I can only hope that sooner rather than later we’ll put on our big boy pants and start to pursue a much more proactive acquisitional script
TVRL – cheery thoughts as per.
Bob-I toned things down a bit so that it wouldn’t be too triggering for you…Cheers
Fair play
TRVL
Part of it is purely many realise that Arsenal this season lucked into 2nd (can you imagine Klopp going from 8 points clear to City winning it with 3 games left in 50 odd days!) and know that next season between a much stronger PL and having CL football with Arteta not being able to rotate Liverpool have a better than decent chance of making top 4.
Marc-you know we have a very similar mindset when it comes to how one should realistically evaluate this particular season…far too often his most ardent supporters will twist the narrative in whatever way best suits them, much like when two years ago everyone was hanging their proverbial hats on our post-Xmas form, yet whenever you bring up our disconcerting form this year, during the same period, they don’t see any correlation…you just can’t have it both ways…more disturbing than that, no one seems to what to connect the dots when it comes to back-to-back seasons of shitting the bed in the business end of the season…shouldn’t that reflect poorly on our present manager’s ability, or lack thereof, to get us over the line…this is why I’m always talking about the notion of us needing the kind of players who can put us on their backs in spite of the manager…if we don’t make the necessary moves this summer I do believe there will be a regression of sorts, for the reasons you’ve noted above, which could close our “window”…have a good one
On a more positive note I will say this, even though in years past I’ve spent a lot of time carving our absentee landlord for the manner in which he seemed to largely ignore the day-to-day operations of our club, my thoughts on this matter have significantly changed, so much so that I have more confidence in his desire to back a winner than I have in our manager’s ability to make this so
as I evaluate his time here in greater detail, it’s clear to me now that his greatest dereliction of duty was that he gave our former longtime manager carte blanche when it came to most things football related, up until his final few years…considering what had transpired, prior to our move, it’s difficult to blame him for thinking that our one-time professor was the right man for the job, as no one could question his devotion to both club and sport…unfortunately he underestimated just how much we relied on Wenger’s former partner/boss, David Dein, which was somewhat forgiveable as few owners, especially one who kept himself at arms length, would have balked at the notion of giving Wenger an exceptionally long leash
the real problem arose when he continually stood pat even when it became quite clear that this rather unique arrangement was starting to show some definitive cracks…of course, it makes some sense that he might be a little slower on the draw, as he was not only a hands-off owner, but his investment was producing sizeable returns and we were achieving the bare minimum, a CL invite…that said, had he been more hands-on he would have seen the emerging rot that was continually being papered over by our then manager, through a variety of ways and means, and for that, as top dog, he must bear substantial blame
with all the above information at one’s disposal it seems only logical that Kroenke could be perceived as little more than a portfolio owner, who cared infinitely more about his long-term investment than our ultimate success on the pitch…yet just when we thought we had it all figured out and an increasingly larger segment of the fanbase were demanding that he sell the franchise, something definitively changed…whether it had something to do with the emerging egoistic pursuits of the American Billionaire and/or his unusual level of involvement when it came to moving the Rams to La La Land and building the most expensive stadium ever constructed, matters not, as all I give a shit about is that he appears to care considerably more now than anytime prior
since this seemingly epiphanic moment every single one of his top tier sporting franchises have come good…first the Rams, then the Avalanche and now the Denver Nuggest appear to be on the precipice of winning their first ever NBA crown…even his overseas ugly step-child, Arsenal, has found a level of PL success not seen for quite some time…so maybe just maybe he’s had his own personal come to Jesus moment and now he desires nothing more than to be in the thick of the shit when everything comes up roses…regardless of the whens, whys and the hows, I’m just so thankful that he seems to give a flying fuck about winning…so on top of the “opening” we’ve been afforded by the current struggles of some of our more traditional foes, we must likewise not take for granted the seeming metamorphosis of our owner, as that too might be fleeting…as such, for the love of God, fucking prove me wrong MA and get this fucking window right
TRVL
Agree you can criticise Kroenke’s ownership in certain areas but he’s certainly backing the current manager. I wonder if a bit of it is the son aspect of wanting to step out of the shadow of his old man and make a mark.
Hopefully the levels of support will continue when the current experiment has run its course.
Marc-the “hopefully the levels of support continue” portion of your response is what concerns me most, especially if we spend a shitload this off-season and don’t get it right…there’s little doubt that Josh has played a siginificant role when it comes to Stan’s increased involvement, as they’ve both been present at crucial games/matches for all their American franchises; so much so that Stan was even on the court when Denver swept the Lakers in the conference finals, which hasn’t been his MO in the past…it’s so humorous to watch this mopey figure embracing players in his typical expressionless fashion
minus those of cult status like Musk, Bezos or Zuckerberg, the only other caucasian Billionaire figures who generate any pop culture buzz are those within the sporting realm, especially since franchise values have risen sharply in recent years…it wouldn’t surprise me whatsoever if Kroenke was inspired by or jealous of Jerry Jones, the Cowboys owner, which is why he was determined to build an even more outrageous stadium…ultimately I don’t care how this new disposition came about, I just hope it continues to be the case until we finally figure our shit out
Gundogan is the kind of player that you should offer big bucks for in a January window, as he’s fucking deadly in the business end of a campaign, but relatively pedestrian beforehand
I would strongly suggest that if we’re truly interested in acquiring Caicedo, which undoubtedly should be the case, we had better act quickly because if Chelsea lose Mount to United, they just might beat us to the punch again…not to mention, Caicedo seems to be a huge proponent of wearing our particular kit, which shouldn’t go unnoticed by the powers that be
TRVL
Apparently Edu and Arteta are all over it – they’re currently carefully unboxing a new fax machine and ordering some fax paper off Amazon.
Bad news is someone left the instructions out of the box (either that or Win has eaten them) and they’re now desperately trying to find the PDF for a 1989 Xerox CM2389.
Our summer now rests on a Google search or the dog not having eaten Edu’s homework.
Killing it Marc
we could learn a lot from United about how to actually raise one’s compete level in a match of import against City…now they didn’t ultimately win, but at least they fucking showed up…we all know this would have been a vastly different affair if MA were left in charge of the tactical gameplan…not exactly sure how we flip this tactical narrative without a managerial change, but maybe if we get this window right MA will become far more tactically adventurous
just imagine how pathetic it would be if we actually planted the Xhaka to Munich rumours so as to make him appear more “big club” appealing just in case Rice opted for Bayern and we actually retained Xhaka’s services for another season…it might seem a bit far-fetched, but considering both our inability to secure our primary targets and the fact that everytime it appears as if we’ve finally rid ourselves of this albatross nothing actually materializes and he’s back in the fold come the start of the season, this certainly wouldn’t surprise me…some might even say that because he said his good-byes, he’s like a new signing…I think my head might fucking explode if this groundhog day nightmare were to occur
Morning all
Not much to write as I wasn’t interested in the FA cup, so I had it on in the background on my Mac while I did some France research on my PC.
The only thing I took from the brief views I had of the game is that Ten Hag also needs to rebuild his midfield and attack. I would imagine Ten will be looking at the same players as us, such as Caicedo, so I agree with there above we need to be first and we’ll see who players want too play for.
I’m not on board for Rice at £100+m – £75m tops. It’s funny because I first noticed Rice’s peculiar way he runs almost Ostrich like. It’s like he sits in his run. Jacky boy was another. Today it’s been reported on.
Caicedo has a higher ceiling than Rice imho.
My view on this is Rice is another overpriced White for his position. I think he’ll be similar to Jesus and Zinchenko: works for one season and then we need better again.
Lads remember it’s Sunday & family day so be nice to Bob. 🙂 Seriously, have a good one 🙂
I think Arteta should sing the song below with feeling because, Mikel, loves him some outside the box thinking: rubbing hands anyone? A pampered mutt? So, it’s not a stretch to think Mikel singing this song with real feeling will warm the cockles of Saliba’s heart. That and £200K plus bonuses (clean sheets, MOTM), Goals & assists) should do it nicely.
If Mikel can be as earnest as the Scot Walker, in the video I think Willi Saliba signs, I’ve add a few lyric changes. Not many!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cr-ExoAmPns
Loneliness is the cloak you wear
A deep shade of blue is always there
The sun ain’t gonna shine anymore
The moon ain’t gonna rise in the sky
The tears are always clouding your eyes
When you’re without love, baby
Emptiness is the place you’re in
There’s nothing to lose but no more to win
The sun ain’t gonna shine anymore
The moon ain’t gonna rise in the sky
The tears are always clouding your eyes
When you’re without love
Lonely, without you, baby
Willi , I need you
I can’t go on
The sun ain’t gonna shine anymore (The sun ain’t gonna shine anymore)
The moon ain’t gonna rise in the sky (The moon ain’t gonna rise in the sky)
The tears are always clouding your eyes (The tears are always clouding your eyes)
Sun ain’t gonna shine anymore
When you’re without love, baby
The sun ain’t gonna shine anymore
The sun ain’t gonna shine anymore
The sun ain’t gonna shine anymore
The sun ain’t gonna shine anymore
The sun ain’t gonna shine anymore
BTW, Bob I really think this song could be redone as a hip hop/rap in Drake/Collio/Lemar with Ice cube/50 cent style lyrics.
Keep the main melody and rearrange the rest. If don’e right it could be a classic remake.
For those who want a 60s vibe with their coffees 🙂 One of the GOATs of songwriting
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sptQj1MPIwg&list=RDEMB23rIsUQyBLjyQr7D_G7NA&index=2
Tony, you could be right about the remake.
With regards to Rice, I am keen on his acquisition but I can’t work out what a reasonable price would be. I want Caceido too but wonder about the budget we’d have for other needed incomings. KT and Balogun would raise £60 m(?) and other money in could reach £20 -30m, so with a net spend of say £150m, buying Rice and Caceido would at best leave £60-70m for other purchase. Fine if we’re talking about young back up full backs but limiting if we wanted any players further forward.
Whatever happens I strongly believe if at all possible, in the importance of players having a full pre season so we need Arsenal to get deals over the line early.
Saliba signing most important!
All the rumours are pointing to both Xhaka and Partey being replaced we need to get the replacements right or next season will be a write off before a balls even kicked.
If we want Rice (who I think will be a good signing) then surely we’ve been given the nod that he’s interested. Another summer of chasing targets who then move elsewhere is not acceptable.
Hi Marc
I don’t quite understand why Partey’s reputation has fallen off a cliff. Towards the end of the season he was relegated to become Jorginho’s understudy and put in some pretty ineffectual performances when he came on, arguably when everyone else was playing poorly too (or were even worse). Oh and let’s not forget the little manager giving him sone run it’s at right back!
Immediately prior to that, he was pretty indispensable in my opinion and put in some towering performances over the season. Is the club and it’s agents behind it? It would be consistent with other players whose reputations (and values) have been rubbished. I just don’t get it – I think the guy had a reasonably good season. There’s also the legal context I guess but there continue to be some utterly mystifying moves coming out of the club.
Kroenke
I’ve given up on the clubs motives for doing things although I find it very easy to slip into “done deliberately to give Arteta an excuse for not performing”.
A good example would be “you can’t expect Arteta to get top 4 after losing Saliba and having to install 2 new central midfielders into the team”. Most managers with half a brain would have staggered the arrival of new players into the same position.
KP,
It has to be the legal issue,nothing else makes any sense,also throws into doubt the possibility of selling him,which brings us back to square 1. I remember last year it was all about Tielemans and Maddison. Which one were we getting? Or both? I wonder if Rice and Caicedo will play out similarly? Surely not.
Would like visual evidence of Xhaka departing btw!
Almunia-I’m not buying jackshit until he’s wearing another’s kit at a presser and he’s been officially placed on the “out” list…this wantaway slippery fuck’s exit has been bandied about for almost as long as he’s been here, so I’ll need hard evidence before I have a celebratory beverage or 10
meanwhile back at the ranch, rumours about us being gazumped again, this time by Munich, are starting to gain momentum…how ironic it would be if we supposedly steered clear so as to not burden Rice, whilst he prepared for his Conference League final, and in the meantime Tuchel took advantage of our amateur hour approach…if this were to be the case, it either means we’re the least savvy MFers in the footballing universe or our interest wasn’t genuine and this was simply another ruse meant to fool the fanbase into believing that we’re battling real “big” clubs for top recruits…neither is the least bit flattering
I was intrigued by an article today which was entitled “Arsenal shatter three Prem rivals’ dreams after striking agreement with electric winger on incredible terms”, so you can only imagine my disappointment when I quickly discovered the player in question…now I certainly have no axe to grind with Nelson, in fact, if we possessed even a modicum of business savviness we should have re-upped or sold him as soon as he returned from the Netherlands, but to actually suggest that others would be shattered and incredible terms were reached, speaks volumes about both our insanely poor business model and our truly disingenuous nature…even the bootlicking LG spokesmodel Pedro must cringe a little when this sort of drivel gets green lighted for public consumption
keeping in mind that even though I’m not completely sold on the whole Rice acquisition gig, the very notion of us either being little brothered again or continuing to act in a totally disingenuous manner, when it came to our perceived transfer targets, would be an incredibly disappointing scenario for a club who’s supposedly fixated on rewriting organizational narratives
green-lit instead of green lighted
TRVL,
I wanted Rice years ago,had been keeping a close eye on him while he was ‘Irish’. Not so sure now. If the budget is blown on him a la 50 mil on White,then it’s a definite no. But if they can negotiate a fair price or convince the Kroenkes to part with even more millions,then go ahead by all means.
I still think we badly need a striker and he won’t come cheap,no matter who it is. This rebuild is becoming a very drawn out and expensive process. Be quicker if we appointed Andy Dufresne as director of operations!
It’s a concerted campaign of ‘jam tomorrow’, never quite getting there but manipulating fans into thinking it’s just around the corner (which is a massive fiction given who is managing the team…..)
Taken from Lewis Carroll and Alice in Wonderland, ‘jam yesterday, jam tomorrow but never jam today’. It has a Latin tie in – the word for ‘now’ in Latin is ‘iam’ pronounced as jam.
Personally, I’ve never thought Rice would sign for us. We’re stalking horses for other, bigger clubs with real ambition and leaders forc whom winning is an addiction. All we’ll get from this is a sense that we’ve helped West Ham get top dollar