June 2023.
Mikel Arteta’s fourth season as Arsenal manager has concluded and the traditional end of season celebration is underway in a plush, undisclosed, London Hotel. The team, management, auxiliary staff and board members are being treated to a meal worthy of league champi.. runners up. Although attempts to mingle the group together have been made there is one obvious exception. On a raised alcove, in the corner of the spacious dining room, slightly more shaded than the rest, as if the lighting itself could sense the mood, sat Arsenal’s brains trust, manager Mikel Arteta, DOF Edu, assistant manager Steve Round, goalkeeping coach Inaki Cana, CEO Vinai Venkatesham and chairman Josh Kroenke. Another seat was provided but remained conspicuously empty.
Underneath the table, furnished with his own bowl and plate was Arsenal’s newest signing, Win the dog. Although each member had taken turns to inject a sense of celebration into the evening, a dull, painful sense of loss permeated the air.
JK: Aw come on guys! This is meant to be a party. I haven’t seen anything this tragic since Gervinho’s haircut!
SR: Yeah, c’mon lads we need to snap out of it, get a few drinks in (signals for the waiter to approach). Sorry mate, can you bring us a round of lagers please?
Waiter: Certainly sir, pints? Glasses?
SR: Bottle for me.
VV: And me.
MA: Me too.
SR: (interrupts to speed up the process) We’re all bottle jobs here mate, thanks. (Continues on unaware of his innuendo). Season’s over now, it’s time to unwind and enjoy ourselves.
Edu: And hallelujah to that! I’m so tired travelling the world staying in these soulless luxury hotels, I just need a break from it all, you know? Treat myself to a relaxing holiday…nice hotel…somewhere foreign. (Lifts his drink) So come on guys, let’s live a little.
MA: (Shakes his head guiltily) It’s my fault lads.
SR: You mean your failure to rotate?
Edu: The glaring inadequacies of the Winter transfer window?
VV: Your selection brainfarts?
JK: The Saliba contract debacle?
IC: The inevitable and painful decline of our top players at the season’s climax…again.
MA: (Shocked into anger) NO YOU JUDAS PRICKS! I was talking about tonight! My mood! I’m struggling to get into a festive spirit.
All: (looking at each other sheepishly) Oh right…of course boss…sorry boss…no offence boss.
Edu: (attempts to repair the damage) C’mon boss, eat your dinner, you like steak. I sourced it myself.
MA: I do like a bit of steak, it has to be said. Where did you get it?
Edu: Man City were here last night, preparing for the cup final, they had this left over, said we could have it (this news is greeted with general murmurs of approval by all)
MA: A coup indeed Edu, well done. (picks up his glass and takes a sip) And the wine, excellent, is this your doing too?
Edu: I wish I could take the credit boss but in truth it was a gift from Chelsea, they sent us a few cases as a gesture of goodwill between our clubs.
IC: (Sniffing and sipping from his glass) It’s a delightful vintage indeed, aged very well.
JK: (confused) And aged is a good thing?
Edu: Oh yes!
MA: But only if it’s from Chelsea.
JK: Only from Chelsea?
MA: Yes only Chelsea.
JK: But isn’t that who we signed Willian from? That guy left in a bit of huff didn’t he?
MA: A simple misunderstanding, long since cleared up. When I signed him I told him he’d be replacing Mkhitaryan and that he’d be winning the champions league in 3 years time. Poor old Willian thought I was talking about him when of course I was merely predicting Mkhitaryan’s forthcoming appearance in this year’s final.
SR: (looking adoring at Arteta) A prophet in his own lifetime.
(Just then a tall figure approached the table, slowly, moving with the quiet dignity of a man who knows that his past is a medal worn confidently on his chest, it earns him respect, it gives his words gravitas)
JK: Arsene my man, not like you to be late when there’s a free meal to be had! Come, sit down, there’s a chair here for you.
AW: My apologies gentlemen, (turns to stare directly at Arteta) there seems to have been some sort of mix up. I was given directions to a different hotel.
JK: Aw shucks, well not to worry, you’re here now and we’re going to make a damn fine night of it, Pop’s treat. I trust you all got settled into your rooms ok, only the best Pops said.
SR: You’re too generous Josh (chuckles to himself) they gave me the honeymoon suite.
Edu: (high fives Steve Round) Nice one, but get this, I’m in the room above you! The penthouse suite! (looks at Arteta) What about you boss? Where are you?
MA: (Speaking to Edu but never breaking eye contact with Wenger) I am in the highest room in the hotel, the presidential suite. (At this all those seated at the table whistle lowly in appreciation) And where have they put you Arsene?
AW: (Smiling like he is the only man in the world intelligent enough to get the joke) I am in the room above you.
MA: (irritated) Impossible! I am on the top floor.
AW: (the smile broadening) And I am on the next level.
MA: (growing increasingly frustrated) And what is the next level?
AW: (innocently) The next level is the next level.
(Arteta, at this point unable to control his anger, opens his mouth to roar his opposition only to swallow a rather large and unchewed piece of steak. He grabs his throat, struggling to breathe as his face turns a peculiar crimson shade. All this time the other members of the group continue to eat and chat. The waiter, appalled at the scene runs over to help)
Waiter: (Pointing at Arteta) Gentlemen…your friend…shall I call a doctor?
JK: (extending a placating arm to the waiter) No need to worry my man, we got this.
Edu: (calmly) This is a regular occurrence
SR: Especially at this time of year.
VV: Watch. Mikel… (All eyes turn to Arteta who has been writhing on the ground gasping for air). Mikel…the season’s over. (Suddenly Arteta sits up and spits out the offending piece of meat.)
MA: Well thank fuck for that.
JK: By the way Mikel, gotta ask you, what’s the deal with the mutt? What it’s name?
MA: (genuine warmth in his voice) You mean Win? Well I just thought it would give the lads a boost to have a friendly animal around the ground. Relieve the pressure a bit you know? I’ve always been a dog lover myself. (Cuts a small piece of steak and lowers his hand under the table, smiling as he feels the warm tongue licking his hand, the comforting sensation of a head resting on his lap)
Its my view that… (his speech is halted mid sentence as he sees a contented Win perched on Arsene’s lap, his former manager stroking the dog with the refined grace of a Bond villain. Becoming alarmed at the weight pressed on his lap Arteta slowly lifts the tablecloth to see Steve Round looking up at him.) Jesus Christ!
(Arteta pushes back his chair) Excuse me, I need to go to the bathroom.
AW: I’ll accompany you if you don’t mind.
MA: (with ill grace) Of course not, after you.
AW: (Smiling) Naturally…
(the two men quickly find themselves alone in the bathroom and metaphorical masks are dropped hastily)
MA: (snarling) Just what is your game?
AW: (defensively) I don’t understand…
MA: (Furiously) You bloody understand all too well. You came into my office two months ago to ‘advise’ me, told me to give holding more game time, start Vieira in the middle of the park, drop Trossard and freeze out ESR. We were top of the league! I did what you said and we fucked it!! Massively!! And you haven’t been seen since!
AW: (soothingly) Mikel, my friend. You must look at the bigger picture. What is it you want most? To win the premiership no?
MA: You know it is.
AW: And to do this, to match the financial juggernaut that is Manchester City, you will need money no?
MA: (anger starting to fade) Of course.
AW: (Smoothly) Well then, you must show the moneymen that investment is needed. Let them see the disadvantages that are crippling you. Highlight our vulnerabilities so to speak.
MA: (Starting to believe) So we threw the title to City in order to secure further financial investment?
AW: (Paternally) Yes my boy!
MA: (Proud at his understanding) And with this new investment I’ll be able to build a team that is good enough to…
AW: (Finishing his sentence) …to beat City to the title, yes.
MA: (tears in his eyes) Arsene, it’s genius. (Bowing his head) I’m sorry I ever doubted you.
AW: Nonsense my boy, you have had a difficult time of late. I have been there you know, trying to take down Fergie’s empire. If you ever need my advice you need only ask.
MA: (shyly, looking around the bathroom to confirm they are alone) Well actually, there is one thing you could help me with…
AW: Of course, anything.
MA: (almost whispering) How did you handle it? You know… the failure. I go to bed at night and try to sleep but all I can see is Ramsdale passing to the wrong team or Partey flicking the ball into an opponents path. I’m haunted, exhausted, shattered. Can you help me? Please!
AW: (puts his arms around Arteta consolingly) It’s all right my boy, it’s all right. I can help.
MA: (Overcome with gratitude) I knew I could rely on you. Tell me, how did you do it? How did you survive the terrors of a title collapse??
AW: (With one arm around Arteta’s shoulders and the other pointing up at some unseen inspiration Wenger utters the next few words as his listener stood trance like) In the season’s where our challenge collapsed I took comfort in…
MA: (Desperately) In??
AW: In the three titles that I won… (slaps a stunned Arteta on the back and walks out of the bathroom whistling happily to himself).
[Satire] is a collection of brilliance from one of our readers Almuniasaynomore, who can be seen lurking in comments often. This section tries to have a laugh at expense of some.
If you feel offended, remember, they’re just jokes. We’re all gonna die soon and there’s no football in hell or heaven, so remember that.
Feedbacks are welcome in the comments!
Almuniasaynomore-great to see you back on the proverbial horse, especially enjoyed the choking bit and the subsequent bathroom banter…Cheers
Tony-I’m of the mind that the club hinted at how high they were willing to go, wage-wise, and Saliba’s team responded with a counter that was 50 + one pound higher, for old times’ sake…we haven’t encountered such a baffling back injury since the legend in an old man’s eyes, Kallstrom, arrived with a supposedly wonky spine
btw I’m a big APP fan ever since I heard Games People Play in my youth…only years later did I discover what they truly had on offer…some of my favourites are Eye in the Sky, Sirius, Don’t Answer Me, I wouldn’t want to be like you, What goes up and Time
Hoopah-I likewise read the Adams “doom merchant” take…I think his timeline might be a little off, but I’m in full agreement with his underlying message, in that MA simply doesn’t have the managerial toolbox to take us to the promised land…I’ve seen this happen in a variety of different sports when a team overachieves, as expectations rise expotentially, then when they invariably aren’t met, things tend to go pear-shaped sooner rather than later…I usually take TA with a small grain of salt, as he’s an axe to grind kind of former player, which I mostly respect, but his reasoning has some merit in this case
That defeat to the foxes was in 1976. I was 12. Yikes!
Kroenke, you old git from someone who was born in the vintage year of 1965.
This old git was born in 64 so an even older one!
I think seeing Arsenal for the first time away from thof gave me an appetite for away games over home ones which has stuck with me. Nothing beats an away win.
Hi Hoopah
How’s your team doing in Goa? Is the season still going there? It would be great to hear how it’s all going.
Hi Tony,
I have forwarded your email to Almunia.
We lads in college made a tradition. We used to do blogging on Linux and stuff and make enough money to buy 6 pints every month. So we would go out and have those 6 on last day of the month.
It turned into salary day pints, we have been giving respect to the tradition and today’s the day…
Hope you guys are having a good evening in different time zones. Cheers.
My missus isn’t particularly happy I’m drinking on a Wednesday night, but rules are rules. 😅
I have had to prepare Mushrooms and baby corn to cover it up
Hi Ambarish
The key to success as regards drinking and partners is to invite them along. If they enjoy themselves and have a good time, it means you’ve got someone who can get you home in one piece and become a regular beer buddy. If they go and don’t enjoy it, but they can see that you do, then they’ll tolerate you doing it now and then. A win-win!
It sounded like you had a good break on holiday.
while narratives start to emerge involving Rice at Bayern or Caicedo at City, we better come correct with our transfer plans early in this window or we could be hunting for 2nd and 3rd tier hoepfuls once again…this is likely why I saw a few articles expressing the frightening notion that Xhaka won’t be sold until a “suitable” replacement is secured…based on how we generally conduct business it could be early August before anything definitive occurs and by that time Lever could have moved on by then…it might seem extreme, but after all the flowers being thrown at a player who fucking showed up for 1/7th of his tenure here, if he’s somehow still wearing our kit come the start of the season, I’m fucking done with this club until that storyline changes
with narratives starting to…
I really don’t like the vibes coming off Saliba’s contract negotiations and fans who should know better telling people not to worry we’ve got the option to extend for a year don’t help when its not true.
What signal does it send to targets that a young player who’s going to be one of the best in the world doesn’t want to play for Arteta?
As bad as Seville are at playacting Roma are worse. It really is farcical. Have to hope the Spaniards win this, Mourihno’s brand is toxic( though undisputedly effective,in the short term at least). This is so far from the football I watched as a chap that it’s like a different sport.
KP,
There was an absolutely brilliant documentary on Kevin Moran the other night and how he won two all Ireland football medals with Dublin before joining utd. Bryan Robson said that he actually counted in one season alone Moran had 52 stitches. They sure don’t make them like that anymore! That was the game I fell in love with.
Marc,
We won’t know the truth of Saliba’s relationship with Arsenal/Arteta for a long time,he won’t reveal the truth until he has or is near retired. My suspicions are similar to yours. These footballers today (and managers) all seem to be afflicted with hubris on a classical scale. There’s little doubt the relationship between himself and Arteta would have been a challenging one. The question,regardless of who was in the right/wrong is whether that relationship is going to affect his next move. I know ultimately money talks but I doubt we can offer him something that other big clubs can’t, so we have to hope he wants to stay,and that’s where I’d be worried……
Almunia
I’m not so sure – I have a feeling that Saliba thinks Arteta is a cunt of epic proportions and without saying it directly will infer or leak comments / stories once he’s out the door.
Unfortunately I think we’re going to find out much sooner than any of us would like (obviously what Saliba thinks of Arteta not that Arteta’s a cunt of epic proportions anyone with half a brain already knows that!).
Marc,
When you see the dearth of cb’s at the moment losing Saliba would be a bitter blow,impossible to replace almost. But also it would send a terrible message if a young player like that started speaking ill of the club. With utd ( and england) still playing maguire, Chelsea reliant on 67 yr old thiago silva,pool unable to find VVD a partner and now he is fading,the competition for any emerging talent in that position would be particularly fierce. He is not a player we can afford to lose. Returning to Gabriel and White as 1st choice would be depressing for me.
Almunia
Agree 100% losing him will be a massive failure of our management team.
I can hear the excuses being prepped already.
Marc & Almunia-I certainly get why some have compared him to VVD, due to his efficiency of movement, his angles when recovering, the fact that he moves faster than he appears to be and that he never seems to go into panic mode…now that doesn’t mean it’s a forgone conclusion that he’ll ever get to that level, but if he lands at a “big” club, where defenders have a tendency to even look better, like Real, Barca or even PSG, due to the level of competition in Ligue 1, we’re going to look like even bigger tools…if we can’t tie him down it will be just another self-inflicted wound brought about by the incompetence and short-sightedness of our novice manager
I’m starting to fully grasp the reason why Ozil was such a divisive figure in the history of our club…when you really examine our transfer history, at least since our move to the Emirates, he was the only player of seminal importance, to a championship level side, that we ever plucked who was still functionally within his prime playing years…now of course things didn’t end well, but I definitely understand why some were so quick to come to his defence even when logic suggested otherwise
so if we really want to rewrite our organizational narrative we need to be poaching big time players from big time clubs still in their primes…only then will we truly re-enter the conversation…now we might need to adopt a more Juve-like squad building model first by (1) acquiring some of the most highly touted players/prospects inside the PL and (2) showing that we’re serious about being European contenders for the foreseeable future by making a deep run in the CL
once we’ve started to establish ourselves as a team of import we will need to secure the services of an already established top world class talent, just to prove that we have the capacity to do so…in turn, other players of that ilk will start to have a rethink about us being a viable landing spot…let’s face it, we have world class facilities and the drawing power that invariably comes with being located in a world-renowned city, so this isn’t an unreasonable ask, if we get our shit together…furthermore, the fact that a bit of the shine has worn off some of the clubs who have dominated for the last 10+ years should help our cause, if we act fast, as our realistic window is 3 years
what we can’t do is sell any of our best and brightest young talents, unless we’re receiving a readymade star of no lesser value in return, or miss this rather fortuitous period of flux, here and abroad, while we wait for our managerial duo to learn the ins and outs of their respective crafts…think about it, GD Inter Milan is in a CL finals and in the semis they faced the very team that the oft-times unjustly maligned Gazidis built
on a side note it appears as if United has agreed personal terms with Mount…let the games begin