A secret office deep in the bowels of the Emirates stadium. With the season’s football having concluded it is time for the People Responsible for Arsenal’s Transfer Strategy (P.R.A.T.S.) to construct and unleash a decisive plan in the ongoing pursuit of a better Arsenal. Chairman Josh Kroenke sat at the head of the table joined by manager Mikel Arteta, D.O.F Edu, Assistant manager Steve Round and goalkeeping coach Inaki Cana. Providing both legal and financial oversight were C.E.O Vinai Venkatesham and lawyer Richard Garlick. If Arsenal was a living person this room would represent it’s brain. Arsenal would have struggled at school…
JK: Ok guys, it’s that time of the year again. We need to come up with a plan to keep pace with the mega rich clubs who have such an advantage over us.
Edu: (earnestly) But we’re in the top 10 richest clubs in Europe. Our fans fill out a 60,000 seater stadium every home game, paying top dollar for the privilege. Our owners are billionaires. What advantage have these other clubs over us?
VV: (Patronising) It’s complicated. Financial stuff.
RG: (Equally patronising) A legal minefield. These oil clubs have purchasing prowess in what is a buyers market. We, on the other hand, are limited by the naturally risk averse nature being adopted by our current owners taking into consideration the volatile nature not only of the transfer market but of the footballing industry in general.
Edu: You mean our owners won’t spend money?
VV: That would be it in a nutshell.
JK: (Index finger pointed to the sky in valiant ‘no surrender’ mode) Nonetheless we must find a way to keep competing with them. Not an easy thing to do I’m sure you’ll agree. (everyone nods in earnest agreement).
MA: Impossible I’d say.
SR: Ridiculously unfair.
Edu: (tentatively raises his hand and asks) Just to be clear here, when we say ‘competing’, what exactly do we mean?
JK: Why, ehm, it means we, eh, must eh…do our best!
MA: Yes! Avoid large defeats and narrowly defeat the whipping boys!
RG: Just being in the premiership reaps huge financial rewards, avoiding relegation IS a trophy!.
All: Hear, Hear!
SR: And a jolly good cup run!
MA: Well, yes, unless of course we’re focusing on the league.
IC: Or we could be focusing on Europe.
MA:Well, yes, unless of course we’re focusing on the next season.
All: (Raising their fists in the air) The next season!!!!
JK: (Still in ‘inspirational speech’ mode) City and Liverpool may have a head start but their day is coming to an end I promise you. Lost in the present, scrapping for glory and titles in the now, they haven’t have the vision to see what they MIGHT win in the future.
MA: (Sneering malevolently, continues the motivational façade). The fools, the fools, the fools, they have won the honours today, but what have they won in the future? Nothing!! When their team has aged our young team will be ripe and ready to peak!
Edu: But won’t our team be older in the future?
IC: (Wagging his finger knowingly at Edu) Yes my boy, but by then we’ll have the youngest oldest team in the premiership. We will be unstoppable!
(Great cheers emanate from the room)
Edu: But just because our players are young how can we guarantee that they will develop into world class players?
(Silence as the question threatens the bubble of ignorance that had enveloped the group)
And what if other teams simply regenerate with ready made, quality, mature replacements allowing them to continue their relentless pursuit of honours while we sit back waiting for a collapse from our competitors that’s never coming? (the silence becomes tension. JK is trying so hard to think that a little poo came out without him noticing. IC has found an abacus from somewhere and is busy working on some sort of calculation. SR has begun drawing pictures of footballs on the table in crayon in a desperate attempt to convey his thoughts on the matter. MA seems to have suffered a temporary breakdown as it dawns on him that his plan for future domination is flawed. He is running from one side of the room to the other gesticulating wildly and talking utter gibberish. It soon becomes apparent however that this is his normal method of communication. Only Vinai Venkatesham and Richard Garlick have remained calm throughout)
VV: Gentlemen, please, compose yourselves. This thought has also occurred to me before. I am not unprepared. I have a plan B.
MA: (The mere thought of a back up plan causes him consternation. His voice shakes, raised to the pitch of an excited teenage girl) You mean like bring on all our attackers and hope that somehow we get a goal despite now having no recognisable shape or pattern of play??
VV: (In the deep voice of the confident) No. Even better than that. It’s time we created a philosophy that shaped our decision making. A coherent strategy which aligns our thinking in terms of style, purchasing and planning.
Edu: (shocked) But, how would that possibly work? We would need to know in advance what we are trying to do!
MA: He’s right Vinai, this road leads to madness. How can we possibly know who’ll be left over after all the top clubs have bought the best players?
SR: Or which of our players we will or won’t have fallen out with by the end of the window?
IC: (Wisely) So many possibilities, it is arrogance to try to predict such imponderables.
JK: I’m with the guys on this one Vin, this future planning thing, sounds a bit hocus pocus to me. Goddamn it I’m so busy trying to work out what HAS happened, I don’t have time to think about the future.
VV: Gentlemen, please, we have to prepare ourselves for the possibility that ‘project youth’ will not succeed. We must adapt to survive.
MA: Well what do you have in mind?
VV: (Proudly) ‘Operation Doublespeak’.
JK: What in tarnation is that? Some kind of Irish language?
VV: No, no, doublespeak, not Dublin speak. It’s from ‘1984’.
JK: Ah, a modern language! Well that’s alrighty then.
SR: But what does it do?
VV: It will allow us to speak in the past, the present and the future, all at the same time. It means we are right even when we are wrong. It means we are succeeding even when we are failing! Think on it. If we can create a new project that is all things to all men we will be beyond criticism…untouchable.
MA: (Thrilled at the sound of such a possibility) I love it…even if I don’t understand it!
RG: That is exactly the point. If we cannot blind our fans with brilliance then we shall baffle them with bullshit! Mikel, you were hired as a generational talent right?
MA: (Arrogantly) But of course…
RG: And so we gave our fans hope. But when you failed to deliver…well, then you were a novice who needed time to learn on the job. And so we justified the false hope…
VV: Josh, every year you talk about us as elite and competing with the best, implying to the fans that title challenges are imminent.
JK: Absolutely.
VV: But then we highlight how the petrol clubs have created an uneven playing field in which it’s unfair to expect us to compete, thus removing any obligation to keep our promises!
MA: You mean like when I forced the staff to take a pay cut and seemed a paragon of fiscal virtue…before signing my huge new and improved contract?
VV: Exactly!
Edu: (growing excited) Or when I told everyone we were trying to sign Vlahovic as a statement of intent…and then begged Eddie to stay?
VV: (Clapping his hands with enthusiasm) Yes, yes, yes. We were trying to sign elite talent (winking at no-one in particular) but also promoting our hale enders.
SR: (Slowly comprehending) While all the time spending sweet fuck all…
VV: (Delighted that his idea is both understood and appreciated) Brilliant, isn’t it?
MA: (Still slightly confused) So ‘project deadwood’ and ‘project troublemaker’, they were really cost cutting exercises disguised to make the fans believe we were ‘progressing’ the squad?
RG: The very thing!
MA: Genius! We do what we want and sell it to the fans in whatever packaging they desire. I’m in! So what’s next?
VV: We do what we have always done, throw our hat in the ring for a few big named players, pacify the fans, then bring back our loan players and claim they’re like new signings.
SR: But won’t there be money for any new signings??
JK: (Reassuringly) Oh, sure. Pops said we can reinvest all the money we make on outgoings.
(All eyes turn to a rather sheepish looking Edu)
MA: Right, returning loan players it is then…
[Satire] is a collection of brilliance from one of our readers Almuniasaynomore, who can be seen lurking in comments often. If you are a gooner by heart, is saddened by the current state of Arsenal Football Club, this section tries to have a laugh at expense of some.
If you feel offended, remember, they’re just jokes. We’re all gonna die soon and there’s no football in hell or heaven, so remember that.
Feedbacks are welcome in the comments!
Marc
Believe me, my expectations are well and truly lowered. It’s not just the cretins in charge that suck the joy out if Arsenal. it’s the Arteta fanboys that refuse to engage with reality. Blaming the fucking fixture computer – whatever next. It would be great to have a flux capacitor that might take us back to a future where there was a proper manager and leadership team in place.
And I know it’s not saying much but I think our future looked brighter with Unai in charge (and I’m still horribly traumatised y that away game at Watford.
Almunia
That comment about Attwood wanting his blog back made me spit coco pops all over the formica in my kitchen. And twatty Serge’s reaction made it even funnier.
On that, I’m trying to think of a modern global manager who best fits the GG mould. Simeone? Vieira? Flick? I don’t watch enough euro football (which helps to explain why Ms Kroenkephobe and I are still (just about) in a relationship.
Answers on a postcard kids. We desperately need a manager with pelotas.
Kroenkephobe,
How’s it going man? I still keep in touch, there’s some really good posters fighting the fight but more importantly some who enjoy a reasoned debate. Just have to filter out the nonsense.
To your question. I would love to see what Potter would do at a bigger club. I like the way Brighton played and to me it seemed obvious that their weaknesses stemmed from lack of resources rather than their manager. Also very impressed with the Palace style under Vieira. But I’m biased. I’d take Stewart Houston back at this stage.
Stone-faced Houston was some boy wasn’t he? Classic coach who prioritised cone placement above anything else. I remember him in that late 70s Manure team. Dogged but unspectacular. I think he did the shift between GG and Rich if my memory serves correctly. I think he might have had a 0% win record.
You’re right about LG. But the sensible ones that are hanging in there might find things a bit more to their liking if they broadened their horizons.
Watching Wales labour against Holland (on the TV – I’m a glory hunter obviously and only go to the big games! ). Just seen your dear friend Mr Southall, looking more rotund than ever. I hope his health is good ‘cos he’s a folk hero to many people.
I’m not that much of a Potter fan. I like the guy but I think Brighton’s relative success is mostly down to some very astute squad building. I just have an instinct that he’d regress at a big club. I think BHA supporters blow a little bit and cold about him.
Monkey Bale just entering the fray. He’ll probably get a hattrick in the last 12 minutes.
I lie (just for a change! ). He was caretaker twice, each time with a win record of thirty something percent. Hardly SAF but like you, I’d still take him over the present incumbent.
Ireland are losing to Ukraine’s second team,it’s yet another horror show. Stephen Kenny might be free to drop his CV into Josh in a few weeks. Patience running out over here for him.
Big Nev is my all time goalkeeping hero as I’m sure I’ve said many times. Hope he looks after himself. We’ll never truly know with Potter til someone takes a chance on him I guess. To be honest I never really rated Eddie Howe, he seems to be proving me wrong with ease.
Vieira has looked impressive in his brief skint at Palace.
Can he kick on – don’t know
Would he command respect from players – fuck yes
Would the fan base get behind him – 99% yes and I’m not sure Pedro and the fan boys even count as Arsenal supporters anymore they’re just as likely to start supporting whatever lower mid table Spanish team Arteta pops up at next.
Can he translate success at a small club (sorry Palace but you are) into a big club – Don’t know but as things stand I’d love to find out. On the other hand right now I’d give Benny Hill or my Mum the benefit of the doubt over Arteta.
Think that just about sums up the general feeling of those of us who have no faith in Arteta Marc. The fear now as you’ve referred to is that the money he spends will be wasted and the gap will be beyond us by then. If a star Hale ender is sold and Arteta and Edu show us a fistful of magic beans that they bought with the proceeds,it will be impossible to stomach for most of us.
I think I’m more pessimistic about Arsenal’s future right now than I have ever been before and that’s saying something! This time last year we had 3 exceptionally bright young lights in Saka,Esr and Martinelli. We had reason to believe considerable funds were going to be released for new signings (and they were) while also,and I can’t stress this enough, I believed that Arteta would not survive another failed season.
12 months on. Our bright lights have stalled or regressed. This should be judged not on where they are now,but where they SHOULD be now given their talent. Can you imagine if Klopp had those lads under his care for the last three years?
The money we spent on White,Ramsdale,Ode etc can hardly be deemed to have been well spent. They cost large sums,large wages and have barely improved us(if at all) in positions that were not priorities. How is the spending justified on ode(esr), white(saliba,holding), ramsdale(martinez,leno), lokonga(Elneny, Amn), Tavares(literally anyone). Only Tomi looks value. Meanwhile the crucial positions of attackers and midfielder were ignored. The squad is so decimated that there is no real money to be made through sales.
We fucked away a once in a decade gift of all our rivals capitulation in the race for top 4.
And to top it all off Arteta was handed a new 3 year contract as reward for succeeding in the only true objective of our club,the manipulations of the fan’s ambitions through a culture of lies and victimhood.
Utd fans endured an abysmal season yet can be optimistic that ten haag will bring a real change and signings like de Jong that truly excite.Big money,big names,a refusal to accept the failings of the last few years.
We finished one place above that abysmal utd team and are being scolded for not appreciating the ‘huge improvements’ taking place! I’m beginning to understand why fans of other clubs find us such an easy target. We have become a spineless,subservient, ignorant group desperately hoping instead of actively pursuing. The only passion shown is against our own who point out that we have become the doped white mice in the college lab and that’s only because the embarrassment of accepting the truth would be too humiliating. So we call each other entitled cunts for daring to claim we deserve better for fear of looking at what we have become. God help Arsenal. Rant over.
Going off to write something sarcastic to ease the anger!!!
Almunia
I hear you mate. Sone typically well-constructed arguments there. The depressing aspects of where the club is right now would largely fall away if you-know-who had been replaced with a proper manager after Villareal last year (or any other point – take your pick). If you’re of a certain disposition where honesty and clarity matters to you personally, like the people who come on here, you can but conclude that we are fucked. I share your utter lack on enthusiasm for the coming season. I’m back to wanting the team to undergo some short term setbacks in the hope it leads to urgent regime change.
In other news, I’m fucking delighted that Cardiff have signed Irish international Caluum O’Dowda. Strong player and direct runner who I’ve rated for a while in the championship. I think he was born over here so may not have gone through the Irish league system but do you know anything about him? And those ridiculous rumours about Monkey Bale coming to Cardiff won’t go away – I’m really in two (or three) minds about that one. Are Mayo up this weekend again in the GAA?
My strategy next season is to will myself not to care so much about AFC and spend more time following the local lads (60 quid for a season ticket) .and Cardiff (ST only 300 quid). I’ll get a bit closer to my 92 club ground collection by watching half a dozen away games too. Arsenal is a club run and managed by bastards for whom mediocrity is enough. It’s no longer talking to me if you know what I mean.
Until we get PV or a PV type manager then we won’t be playing for anything meaningful.
The watershed is the contract extension. It’s a tragedy which could fuck us for years.
Kroenkephobe,
It’s a real battle not to give up alright, I thought you could only have a toxic relationship with a person! You’re lucky to have other footballing avenues,my other go to,the international team,is just as bloody bad. Fully expecting the Scots to dance on our grave tomorrow.
Mayo up again tomorrow also,game they should win,so expect trouble! On at 6 but not sure if sky or the national broadcaster (RTE) have it. I think Bale ar Cardiff would be brilliant, you’ll quickly forget his past when you sample the weekly buzz he’ll bring to the stadium. I remember how quickly I suppressed my Keano hate when he joined Celtic( it quickly resurfaces once the ceasefire ends).
It’s actually worrying how large the void is without the hope ( albeit mostly forlorn) that the summer window used to bring. I might have to see a counsellor or increase my alcohol intake. Choices,choices……..
Your comments are precisely why I hate Arteta so much – Arsenal outside of close family are the longest relationship in my life, good friends have come and gone but Arsenal have been with me since I was 14 or 15 (I was a late comer) and Arteta has made me swing between rage and not caring.
It’s the not caring that makes me hate him so much how can one cunt do that in such a short period of time?
😊
A shit load of booze with mates, or an hour spent droning onto someone in an overheated room and you’re dying to fart. It’s gotta be the counselling!
I’ll see if that GAA is on sky tomorrow, but it looks unlikely. Have a top weekend mate.
Been reading the TW media comments and just realized why they offered Eddie a new contract. He may be the ONLY senior forward that AFC will have next season. There was high anticipation of getting a quality striker in but not having CL will make the prospective players think twice no matter how much money we offer.
To get a player into a club that does not have CL it takes convincing from the manager and the execs to come to the club. We have a manager who is shit at man management and player communication, so sweet talking someone to come is not going to happen. So we are left with Double Speak “Loan players returning” is what it will be for next season.
Killroy
Has Nketiah signed the new deal yet?
NO, his contract has officially expired he is free to talk to other clubs. Here are a few interesting quotes regarding the upcoming TW:
Edu spoke of a ‘plan’ ahead of the window opening. This raised expectations and any good plan will have contingencies.
Douche Edu and a plan is an oxymoron.
Edu told ESPN Brasil. “Maybe next season we can go to one or two players. Today we find a much more balanced squad. Our planning has already been done; it has already reached the owners.”
Translation KSE will not foot another TW like last summer and we have to scrape Championship clubs or lower tiers for additional players.
A total fuck up and with the 3 years on Arteta’s contract it is time for me to focus on Summer series, International Test matches and Autumn series Rugby matches. My interest in AFC will peak again when the dross has left and the garbage in the power corridors has been emptied.
Killroy and Marc
Arteta will surely have his Waterloo moment if – much as I want him to succeed – we have Flo Balogun leading the line for our first fixture, with Biereth on the bench. I’m becoming increasingly convinced that Arteta and Edu are enemies within. Massive Gooner twins, Pedro and Attwood (the King of unsold anusol) will be celebrating a further lowering of the average age of the squad after we’re destroyed by Fulham, Southampton and Leeds in our first three games.
Killroy
“Translation KSE will not foot another TW like last summer and we have to scrape Championship clubs or lower tiers for additional players.”
I’ll be honest I was shocked by the net spend last summer, never thought we’d spend anywhere near that after the losses incurred by COVD etc without major sales (stop laughing Kronkephobe).
If your comment is correct and I see no reason why it shouldn’t be then Arteta might be on thin ice. Chances are the spend last summer was a roll of the dice because Arteta promised CL football – the Kroenke’s gave Wenger 2 seasons to get back in the CL and sacked him when it was clear he wasn’t going to achieve it same for Emery.
We can only hope that Arteta is going to get the same treatment and then pray the Kroenke’s have the sense to put someone in at DOF (Overmars?) who can then do what we need.
Marc,
My read is that your line of thinking,while being logical and probably summarising the conditions that most managers work under,doesn’t unfortunately stand up to scrutiny. If Arteta was entering last chance saloon and needed to produce this year, why then did he get his new contract which,let’s face it, was signed and sealed on his american trip in the new year. Why allow him to continue devaluing assets or simply giving them away?
I genuinely believe that he was tasked with reducing costs as his first priority. Hence the wage cuts,player culls, squad reduction. Hand in hand with that was getting the fanbase to accept it so there would be no adverse publicity. They are the Kroenkes aims. Arteta is their stooge. We are the victims. Genuine elite level success is not on the agenda. It’s all spin.
Almunia
I think the new contract was given because at the time it looked like we had 4th sewn up – no doubt Josh had bought into the kool aid but he’s just seen £60 – £80 million knocked off next seasons turn over and that’s without the knock on’s in sponsorship deals etc. All of Arteta and Edu’s talk over taking a hit on outing players for nothing because we’ll be in the CL next season and everything will be great is suddenly very hollow.
Quite simply Arteta is the guy who always has an excuse why he didn’t perform it’s just how long before the Kroenke’s get pissed off with it.
Almunia
You watching? Beautiful goal (says me who’s watched 4 games in his life!) . Game fecking on!
Wahaaay! That secong goal was like Nayim lobbing Seaman at the Parc des Princes. Really good game. I enjoyed that. I guess you’re out on the piss watching/celebrating. 🍺Have a top Arsenal-free night Almunia.
Kroenkephobe,
There are very few teams like them, every single game is an epic. Not good for the heart though!
Kenny describing Ireland’s 3-0 victory against (almost equally lowly) Scotland does not strike me as sensible, nor a convincing strategy to help him remain in the job. It’s the kind of bullshit Arteta would utter after beating Accrington Stanley in round 4 of the Carabao Cup. Do you think he’s saved his skin Almunia?
… victory against Scotland as Ireland’s most significant result since 2015…
Sorry, omitted the important bit!
Kroenkephobe,
No,he’ll have to follow it up with a win in Ukraine and/ or Scotland and a convincing home win v Armenia and even then performances will matter also. Fluked wins won’t do it. The hyperbole is always worrying but what’s more worrying is how few see through it immediately. We at Arsenal know all about that as you’ve said. Is that the downside to social media? Everything is exaggerated and people accept that?
I’m getting a horrible feeling about this transfer window and next season. I know it’s speculation on who we’re being linked with but why are we looking to sign players from other PL teams? PL players are crazy expensive because no PL team needs to sell. We shouldn’t be signing any players from PL teams unless it’s a good deal – we’ve got limited funds because arsewipe fucked up the season and missed out on top 4. We should be buying a Tielemans before he’s played in the PL not after his value has sky rocketed.
The links to Jesus worry me as it screams another “cunning plan” from Arteta that’ll be shown to be a stupid idea by September.
On top of all of this I can see the World Cup causing issues but other managers dealing with it better.
Right now I can’t see top 6 let alone top 4 next season unless events and signings unfold very differently from what looks like happening.
Marc
It looks like that KSE has now put in place some accountability as all signings have to be approved by Tim Lewis Kroenke’s trusted lawyer in the UK. The expectations were high because Edu was saying there is a plan in place, targets have been selected and this has been presented to the owners and we now wait for the TW to open.
This had the fans in a very positive mood but that seems to have died down as the reality has hit home about the monetary situation. Besides pumping in money into the TW coffer, KSE still has to pay off salaries of players that are no longer with the club as well as expenses that have occurred. It is estimated that AFC is 90 million into the red.
On top of this we have Douche Edu and our Manager In Training (MIT) futzing around with the list of number 1 targets and what they would like to have come in. Meanwhile the other clubs get their business done. I do fear we will have nothing major coming in and I also share the idea we will be struggling next season to get European Football unless we win some of those cups.
Killroy
If money’s tight then why are we looking to buy in the PL where there’s a crazy premium on players?
Just says to me Arteta thinks he’s Pep (with his budget) and Edu is so subservient he does whatever Arteta says.