A secret office deep in the bowels of the Emirates stadium. With the season’s football having concluded it is time for the People Responsible for Arsenal’s Transfer Strategy (P.R.A.T.S.) to construct and unleash a decisive plan in the ongoing pursuit of a better Arsenal. Chairman Josh Kroenke sat at the head of the table joined by manager Mikel Arteta, D.O.F Edu, Assistant manager Steve Round and goalkeeping coach Inaki Cana. Providing both legal and financial oversight were C.E.O Vinai Venkatesham and lawyer Richard Garlick. If Arsenal was a living person this room would represent it’s brain. Arsenal would have struggled at school…
JK: Ok guys, it’s that time of the year again. We need to come up with a plan to keep pace with the mega rich clubs who have such an advantage over us.
Edu: (earnestly) But we’re in the top 10 richest clubs in Europe. Our fans fill out a 60,000 seater stadium every home game, paying top dollar for the privilege. Our owners are billionaires. What advantage have these other clubs over us?
VV: (Patronising) It’s complicated. Financial stuff.
RG: (Equally patronising) A legal minefield. These oil clubs have purchasing prowess in what is a buyers market. We, on the other hand, are limited by the naturally risk averse nature being adopted by our current owners taking into consideration the volatile nature not only of the transfer market but of the footballing industry in general.
Edu: You mean our owners won’t spend money?
VV: That would be it in a nutshell.
JK: (Index finger pointed to the sky in valiant ‘no surrender’ mode) Nonetheless we must find a way to keep competing with them. Not an easy thing to do I’m sure you’ll agree. (everyone nods in earnest agreement).
MA: Impossible I’d say.
SR: Ridiculously unfair.
Edu: (tentatively raises his hand and asks) Just to be clear here, when we say ‘competing’, what exactly do we mean?
JK: Why, ehm, it means we, eh, must eh…do our best!
MA: Yes! Avoid large defeats and narrowly defeat the whipping boys!
RG: Just being in the premiership reaps huge financial rewards, avoiding relegation IS a trophy!.
All: Hear, Hear!
SR: And a jolly good cup run!
MA: Well, yes, unless of course we’re focusing on the league.
IC: Or we could be focusing on Europe.
MA:Well, yes, unless of course we’re focusing on the next season.
All: (Raising their fists in the air) The next season!!!!
JK: (Still in ‘inspirational speech’ mode) City and Liverpool may have a head start but their day is coming to an end I promise you. Lost in the present, scrapping for glory and titles in the now, they haven’t have the vision to see what they MIGHT win in the future.
MA: (Sneering malevolently, continues the motivational façade). The fools, the fools, the fools, they have won the honours today, but what have they won in the future? Nothing!! When their team has aged our young team will be ripe and ready to peak!
Edu: But won’t our team be older in the future?
IC: (Wagging his finger knowingly at Edu) Yes my boy, but by then we’ll have the youngest oldest team in the premiership. We will be unstoppable!
(Great cheers emanate from the room)
Edu: But just because our players are young how can we guarantee that they will develop into world class players?
(Silence as the question threatens the bubble of ignorance that had enveloped the group)
And what if other teams simply regenerate with ready made, quality, mature replacements allowing them to continue their relentless pursuit of honours while we sit back waiting for a collapse from our competitors that’s never coming? (the silence becomes tension. JK is trying so hard to think that a little poo came out without him noticing. IC has found an abacus from somewhere and is busy working on some sort of calculation. SR has begun drawing pictures of footballs on the table in crayon in a desperate attempt to convey his thoughts on the matter. MA seems to have suffered a temporary breakdown as it dawns on him that his plan for future domination is flawed. He is running from one side of the room to the other gesticulating wildly and talking utter gibberish. It soon becomes apparent however that this is his normal method of communication. Only Vinai Venkatesham and Richard Garlick have remained calm throughout)
VV: Gentlemen, please, compose yourselves. This thought has also occurred to me before. I am not unprepared. I have a plan B.
MA: (The mere thought of a back up plan causes him consternation. His voice shakes, raised to the pitch of an excited teenage girl) You mean like bring on all our attackers and hope that somehow we get a goal despite now having no recognisable shape or pattern of play??
VV: (In the deep voice of the confident) No. Even better than that. It’s time we created a philosophy that shaped our decision making. A coherent strategy which aligns our thinking in terms of style, purchasing and planning.
Edu: (shocked) But, how would that possibly work? We would need to know in advance what we are trying to do!
MA: He’s right Vinai, this road leads to madness. How can we possibly know who’ll be left over after all the top clubs have bought the best players?
SR: Or which of our players we will or won’t have fallen out with by the end of the window?
IC: (Wisely) So many possibilities, it is arrogance to try to predict such imponderables.
JK: I’m with the guys on this one Vin, this future planning thing, sounds a bit hocus pocus to me. Goddamn it I’m so busy trying to work out what HAS happened, I don’t have time to think about the future.
VV: Gentlemen, please, we have to prepare ourselves for the possibility that ‘project youth’ will not succeed. We must adapt to survive.
MA: Well what do you have in mind?
VV: (Proudly) ‘Operation Doublespeak’.
JK: What in tarnation is that? Some kind of Irish language?
VV: No, no, doublespeak, not Dublin speak. It’s from ‘1984’.
JK: Ah, a modern language! Well that’s alrighty then.
SR: But what does it do?
VV: It will allow us to speak in the past, the present and the future, all at the same time. It means we are right even when we are wrong. It means we are succeeding even when we are failing! Think on it. If we can create a new project that is all things to all men we will be beyond criticism…untouchable.
MA: (Thrilled at the sound of such a possibility) I love it…even if I don’t understand it!
RG: That is exactly the point. If we cannot blind our fans with brilliance then we shall baffle them with bullshit! Mikel, you were hired as a generational talent right?
MA: (Arrogantly) But of course…
RG: And so we gave our fans hope. But when you failed to deliver…well, then you were a novice who needed time to learn on the job. And so we justified the false hope…
VV: Josh, every year you talk about us as elite and competing with the best, implying to the fans that title challenges are imminent.
JK: Absolutely.
VV: But then we highlight how the petrol clubs have created an uneven playing field in which it’s unfair to expect us to compete, thus removing any obligation to keep our promises!
MA: You mean like when I forced the staff to take a pay cut and seemed a paragon of fiscal virtue…before signing my huge new and improved contract?
VV: Exactly!
Edu: (growing excited) Or when I told everyone we were trying to sign Vlahovic as a statement of intent…and then begged Eddie to stay?
VV: (Clapping his hands with enthusiasm) Yes, yes, yes. We were trying to sign elite talent (winking at no-one in particular) but also promoting our hale enders.
SR: (Slowly comprehending) While all the time spending sweet fuck all…
VV: (Delighted that his idea is both understood and appreciated) Brilliant, isn’t it?
MA: (Still slightly confused) So ‘project deadwood’ and ‘project troublemaker’, they were really cost cutting exercises disguised to make the fans believe we were ‘progressing’ the squad?
RG: The very thing!
MA: Genius! We do what we want and sell it to the fans in whatever packaging they desire. I’m in! So what’s next?
VV: We do what we have always done, throw our hat in the ring for a few big named players, pacify the fans, then bring back our loan players and claim they’re like new signings.
SR: But won’t there be money for any new signings??
JK: (Reassuringly) Oh, sure. Pops said we can reinvest all the money we make on outgoings.
(All eyes turn to a rather sheepish looking Edu)
MA: Right, returning loan players it is then…
[Satire] is a collection of brilliance from one of our readers Almuniasaynomore, who can be seen lurking in comments often. If you are a gooner by heart, is saddened by the current state of Arsenal Football Club, this section tries to have a laugh at expense of some.
If you feel offended, remember, they’re just jokes. We’re all gonna die soon and there’s no football in hell or heaven, so remember that.
Feedbacks are welcome in the comments!
“… but by then we’ll have the youngest oldest team in the premiership” – made me laugh out loud. Thanks again for this! As for our signings, etc. , I’m not particularly thrilled with Jesus (strong) rumors. Tielemans would be a good addition, and so would Zinchenko who I thought was excellent (whenever I saw him play for City or Ukraine) even before Pep started giving him more minutes. We could’ve snatched him up a couple of years ago for next to nothing. But why bother when you can buy another crock of a player in Tierney. Don’t get me wrong, I like the guy and his passion but it’s just bad juju buying someone who’s already injured and doesn’t have a particularly good record staying healthy. If Newcastle or whoever else come calling, it’s Sell, Sell, Sell for me. I suppose Tielemans, Zinchenko, and Jesus would represent a good transfer window (although, I think it’s only going to be two players) but I would still rather see us linked with a different profile striker. What I wouldn’t give for a younger version of Giroud. Or is there another Benzema out there? Speaking of RM, we should’ve brought Jovic on loan in January which I think would’ve secured 4th place finish for us. But hey, that’s crying over spilled milk now. Having said that, I think it wouldn’t be a bad idea to try and get him now. 50mil for Jesus vs 15-20mil for Jovic + possibly another signing? I know what I would spend my money on.
Upstate,
I watched a lot of city last year and was generally willing them to win due to being petrified that Liverpool would do the quad. Have to say I was never that impressed with Jesus and given our ‘style’ of play I think he would struggle at Arsenal. The counter argument of course is who wouldn’t? But for me he needs 3 chances to score 1 and good chances at that. Would prefer if the money was spent elsewhere. Watching that young French team last night there’s 4 or 5 that play for clubs at or below Arsenal’s level.(and no,I’m not sarcastically referring to Saliba or Guen!).
Marc,
‘Arteta’s reign of destruction’, you have an epic poem in you I’d say!
Almunia
Maybe a tribute to Robert Browning’s “Childe Roland to the Dark Tower Came” with “My first thought was, he fucked it up with every word”
I can’t say I watched or at least took much notice of Jesus over the last couple of seasons but I don’t think I’m wrong in saying he’s not a target man? As Arteta still has a regular habit of throwing crosses into the box aren’t we just signing someone who’ll struggle the same as Laca or Auba did?
Marc,
What fucking way has he set us up,with his staff? That poem has great potential to become a parody.
Jesus is no target man but he has become stronger,bit like Eddie. But I don’t see how he solves our most glaring issues,no. It would be very odd to buy him and play him wide,would be a repeat of the White deal,blowing the budget in one of the least problematic areas.
Jesus is definitely not a target man, and yes, he’s a “bit like Eddie” (more of a fox in a box type striker). So what’s the point of buying another Eddie when we already secured the original one? We definitely need someone who’s taller and stronger in the air. DCL? Tammy? Not sure about both for various reasons. Heck, I think someone like Mitrovic (who’s only 27 years old, btw) would do just as well, if not better, but for far less money.
If we were ruling out elite players as we don’t have CL football,I’d love to get Bowen from the hammers. Thing is,I’m not really sure he’d see us as much of a step up. Also England call ups will have further inflated the price. Its sad that hammer’s players ( Rice also) are now beyond us. Has to be someone on the continent I’d imagine. Would be underwhelmed by DCL also after the year he had. Even if he was hindered by injury the last thing we need is another absentee player. Would love a gamble on Broja but Chelsea would never sell him to us,he might actually improve us!
Alumnia – Upstate
We’re signing a wide striker – why we have Saka, ESR and Martinelli in wide positions and I’m not even including Pepe. If we sign Jesus he’s going to be a starter, does anyone really think we need all 4 of those players or that 2 of them will be happy with being bit part players? I have a horrible feeling we’ll be selling Martinelli to Liverpool and the signing is more about fluffing Pedro and his merry band of morons than actually moving us forward.
Marc
We all know and recognise Arteta’s so-called style of play by now. To that extent, I’m also completely baffled by this addiction to wide men when there’s no attempt so far to sign a tall, physical player ready to get on the end of crosses. It’s almost as if he doesn’t trust himself to go balls-in on one or other type of CF. Eddie certainly hasn’t shown enough in terms of aerial ability and in the longer term I don’t see it as one of Flo’s strengths. On Jesus, I not agnostic, I’m positively atheist. He won’t be the answer I fear. A diving, lightweight city reject. Gnabry on the other hand has the lot and would thrive in a 442 alongside a taller player.
Kroenke
Can’t see Arteta going 442 and I’m not sure the rest of the squad is suited to it.
The simple fact is we’re looking at another wasted summer, more wasted money and the most worrying thing is whilst we’re going backwards ManU, the Spud’s even Newcastle will not keep having crap seasons We’re running out of chances to get it right before we’re too far adrift to close the gap.
Marc
Believe me, my expectations are well and truly lowered. It’s not just the cretins in charge that suck the joy out if Arsenal. it’s the Arteta fanboys that refuse to engage with reality. Blaming the fucking fixture computer – whatever next. It would be great to have a flux capacitor that might take us back to a future where there was a proper manager and leadership team in place.
And I know it’s not saying much but I think our future looked brighter with Unai in charge (and I’m still horribly traumatised y that away game at Watford.
Almunia
That comment about Attwood wanting his blog back made me spit coco pops all over the formica in my kitchen. And twatty Serge’s reaction made it even funnier.
On that, I’m trying to think of a modern global manager who best fits the GG mould. Simeone? Vieira? Flick? I don’t watch enough euro football (which helps to explain why Ms Kroenkephobe and I are still (just about) in a relationship.
Answers on a postcard kids. We desperately need a manager with pelotas.
Kroenkephobe,
How’s it going man? I still keep in touch, there’s some really good posters fighting the fight but more importantly some who enjoy a reasoned debate. Just have to filter out the nonsense.
To your question. I would love to see what Potter would do at a bigger club. I like the way Brighton played and to me it seemed obvious that their weaknesses stemmed from lack of resources rather than their manager. Also very impressed with the Palace style under Vieira. But I’m biased. I’d take Stewart Houston back at this stage.
Stone-faced Houston was some boy wasn’t he? Classic coach who prioritised cone placement above anything else. I remember him in that late 70s Manure team. Dogged but unspectacular. I think he did the shift between GG and Rich if my memory serves correctly. I think he might have had a 0% win record.
You’re right about LG. But the sensible ones that are hanging in there might find things a bit more to their liking if they broadened their horizons.
Watching Wales labour against Holland (on the TV – I’m a glory hunter obviously and only go to the big games! ). Just seen your dear friend Mr Southall, looking more rotund than ever. I hope his health is good ‘cos he’s a folk hero to many people.
I’m not that much of a Potter fan. I like the guy but I think Brighton’s relative success is mostly down to some very astute squad building. I just have an instinct that he’d regress at a big club. I think BHA supporters blow a little bit and cold about him.
Monkey Bale just entering the fray. He’ll probably get a hattrick in the last 12 minutes.
I lie (just for a change! ). He was caretaker twice, each time with a win record of thirty something percent. Hardly SAF but like you, I’d still take him over the present incumbent.
Ireland are losing to Ukraine’s second team,it’s yet another horror show. Stephen Kenny might be free to drop his CV into Josh in a few weeks. Patience running out over here for him.
Big Nev is my all time goalkeeping hero as I’m sure I’ve said many times. Hope he looks after himself. We’ll never truly know with Potter til someone takes a chance on him I guess. To be honest I never really rated Eddie Howe, he seems to be proving me wrong with ease.
Vieira has looked impressive in his brief skint at Palace.
Can he kick on – don’t know
Would he command respect from players – fuck yes
Would the fan base get behind him – 99% yes and I’m not sure Pedro and the fan boys even count as Arsenal supporters anymore they’re just as likely to start supporting whatever lower mid table Spanish team Arteta pops up at next.
Can he translate success at a small club (sorry Palace but you are) into a big club – Don’t know but as things stand I’d love to find out. On the other hand right now I’d give Benny Hill or my Mum the benefit of the doubt over Arteta.
Think that just about sums up the general feeling of those of us who have no faith in Arteta Marc. The fear now as you’ve referred to is that the money he spends will be wasted and the gap will be beyond us by then. If a star Hale ender is sold and Arteta and Edu show us a fistful of magic beans that they bought with the proceeds,it will be impossible to stomach for most of us.
I think I’m more pessimistic about Arsenal’s future right now than I have ever been before and that’s saying something! This time last year we had 3 exceptionally bright young lights in Saka,Esr and Martinelli. We had reason to believe considerable funds were going to be released for new signings (and they were) while also,and I can’t stress this enough, I believed that Arteta would not survive another failed season.
12 months on. Our bright lights have stalled or regressed. This should be judged not on where they are now,but where they SHOULD be now given their talent. Can you imagine if Klopp had those lads under his care for the last three years?
The money we spent on White,Ramsdale,Ode etc can hardly be deemed to have been well spent. They cost large sums,large wages and have barely improved us(if at all) in positions that were not priorities. How is the spending justified on ode(esr), white(saliba,holding), ramsdale(martinez,leno), lokonga(Elneny, Amn), Tavares(literally anyone). Only Tomi looks value. Meanwhile the crucial positions of attackers and midfielder were ignored. The squad is so decimated that there is no real money to be made through sales.
We fucked away a once in a decade gift of all our rivals capitulation in the race for top 4.
And to top it all off Arteta was handed a new 3 year contract as reward for succeeding in the only true objective of our club,the manipulations of the fan’s ambitions through a culture of lies and victimhood.
Utd fans endured an abysmal season yet can be optimistic that ten haag will bring a real change and signings like de Jong that truly excite.Big money,big names,a refusal to accept the failings of the last few years.
We finished one place above that abysmal utd team and are being scolded for not appreciating the ‘huge improvements’ taking place! I’m beginning to understand why fans of other clubs find us such an easy target. We have become a spineless,subservient, ignorant group desperately hoping instead of actively pursuing. The only passion shown is against our own who point out that we have become the doped white mice in the college lab and that’s only because the embarrassment of accepting the truth would be too humiliating. So we call each other entitled cunts for daring to claim we deserve better for fear of looking at what we have become. God help Arsenal. Rant over.
Going off to write something sarcastic to ease the anger!!!
Almunia
I hear you mate. Sone typically well-constructed arguments there. The depressing aspects of where the club is right now would largely fall away if you-know-who had been replaced with a proper manager after Villareal last year (or any other point – take your pick). If you’re of a certain disposition where honesty and clarity matters to you personally, like the people who come on here, you can but conclude that we are fucked. I share your utter lack on enthusiasm for the coming season. I’m back to wanting the team to undergo some short term setbacks in the hope it leads to urgent regime change.
In other news, I’m fucking delighted that Cardiff have signed Irish international Caluum O’Dowda. Strong player and direct runner who I’ve rated for a while in the championship. I think he was born over here so may not have gone through the Irish league system but do you know anything about him? And those ridiculous rumours about Monkey Bale coming to Cardiff won’t go away – I’m really in two (or three) minds about that one. Are Mayo up this weekend again in the GAA?
My strategy next season is to will myself not to care so much about AFC and spend more time following the local lads (60 quid for a season ticket) .and Cardiff (ST only 300 quid). I’ll get a bit closer to my 92 club ground collection by watching half a dozen away games too. Arsenal is a club run and managed by bastards for whom mediocrity is enough. It’s no longer talking to me if you know what I mean.
Until we get PV or a PV type manager then we won’t be playing for anything meaningful.