A luxurious mega yacht, anchored in the majestic Mediterranean, just off the shore of Mallorca. From a distance the scene is typical. Two wealthy tanned middle aged men enjoying the opulent lifestyle that the majority of us have only seen in magazines and 1980’s porn films. Servants, dressed in crisp whites attend the needs of these two men, who, relaxing by the yacht’s own pool, drinks in hand, could be assumed to be at ease, not just with each other, but with the world at large and their place in it. But such an assumption would be most misleading. For despite the trappings of wealth and the array of buxom beauties preparing themselves below for this evening’s ‘entertainment’, these two men were rather disturbed. The first, Arsenal’s director of football, Edu, was tentatively attempting to placate the second, Arsenal manager Mikel Arteta who was upset and making little effort to disguise it.
MA: (voice rising with every word) How many times Edu? How many fucking times do I have to explain it to you? What you buy reflects on me. It makes me look bad when you buy inferior shite. Is that what you want? To make me look bad??
Edu: (humbly) No boss, honestly.
MA: I need quality purchases, I couldn’t have been any clearer.
Edu: Yes boss.
MA: (with biting disdain) Well then, what the fuck is this? (He holds up something between his thumb and index finger but it is difficult for the naked eye to perceive, let alone identify it).
Edu: (sullenly) It’s one of your hairs boss.
MA: And what colour is it?
Edu: (optimistically) Silver, boss?
MA: (furious) Silver my beautiful Spanish ass!! It’s grey you blind Brazilian fuckwit. And why is it grey?
Edu: (mumbling) Because I bought the wrong boot polish for your hair.
MA: (maliciously) Yes you did. I told you I would be swimming, I warned you the photographers would flock all around this (sweeps his two hands down his torso ala CR7 goal celebration). And what have you done? Forgotten to get the dark black, water resistant polish that I specifically asked you to buy, that’s what!
Edu: But boss, it’s just one hair, nobody would notice.
MA: (fuming) Just one hair! Just one hair!! That’s your problem right there. You don’t understand that any lowering of standards, no matter how miniscule can precipitate a collapse. Do you think I came 3rd in Barcelona ‘b’ ‘s player of the season 2006 with that type of attitude?
Edu: (feebly) No boss, it’s just that… (As he is speaking Arteta sits up revealing a large circular black patch on the cushion where his head had been).
MA: Just what?
Edu: (struggles to control his rising panic) Just that, ehm, that, I could never hope to have your insight into such things.
MA: (softening) Of course you couldn’t, but don’t be too hard on yourself, many people underestimate the importance of image (as he speaks black streaks flow down his face like a teenage girl at the prom who has just discovered her date in the bathroom with the prom queen). When people look at me they see power…panache…success.
Edu: (mutters) They see Robert Smith from The Cure.
MA: What’s that?
Edu: (recomposing himself) The cure, boss. They see you as the cure to all Arsenal’s woes.
MA: Yes, the cure… like Sylvester Stallone in Cobra “Crime is the disease and I’m the cure”.
Edu: (aside) If you replace crime with attractive football I guess…
MA: (loudly) Now, down to business. How are we doing on the transfer front? Have you got me a new striker yet?
Edu: (Smiling and winking in a manner that was meant to appear cunning but actually gave his face the appearance of a man having a stroke) Yes boss. I’ve told all the papers we’re ‘bidding’ for Mbappe, Haaland and for good measure Vlahovic again.
MA: (Despairingly) No, no, no, you Brazilian buffoon! The ‘bid for a big name to keep the fans happy’ was January’s transfer policy! Since then we’ve managed to lose €110 million worth of strikers. We actually paid them to go! I NEED a new striker! CHRIST ALMIGHTY!!
Edu: (Confused. Picks up a pen and drinks coaster to write on) Wait, you actually want me to buy a striker?
MA: (infuriated) YES! JESUS!!
Edu: (nodding and scribbling on the coaster) Striker, Jesus, ok boss.
MA: And while you’re at it we’re going to have to give the fans something else to keep them onside, a marquee signing so to speak, a big name from Brazil perhaps.
Edu: (continuing to scribble and mutter to himself) Brazilian with big name, marquis something or other…check boss.
MA: And don’t forget to haggle. Remember what I taught you?
Edu: (proudly) Yes boss, get the price down. I’ve been practising boss. Fulham wanted to pay 12 million for Leno but I told them we won’t go a penny over 8.
MA: (Defiantly) Good man. We’ll show the begrudgers. Can’t run a business eh? Now, how are we fixed for tonight’s soirée?
Edu: Couldn’t be better boss, Tielemans’ agent Peter Smeets will be here at 7, Richard and Tim will be joining us at the same time. We’ll have drinks at 7, dinner at 8, girls at 9, contract sorted by 10!
MA: Perfect. And you’re sure you’ve laid the groundwork with Smeets? We don’t want to look foolish in front of those two spying lawyers!
Edu: (Smiling with pride) Sorted boss. I offered 30 million but he told me that spurs had offered 230 million.
MA: Conte! He’s fucked us again!
Edu: (Reassuringly) That’s what I thought boss. But Smeets told me that he doesn’t really like doing business with Levy and that he would fix it so we got Tielemans instead.
MA: (Delighted) That’s brilliant! How much?
Edu: (Equally thrilled) 80 million! And even better, we only have to give him a 5yr 200k a week contract.
MA: Fantastic. And what about Tielemans?
Edu: He’s getting 250k a week, seeing as he’ll actually be playing.
MA: I can’t wait to see those smug lawyers’ faces when they realise we’ve done it again!
Edu: (exhaling slowly with great satisfaction) We sure have!
MA: But now my fellow mud walking midfielder I must go. I cannot allow my enemies to catch even a glimpse of potential weakness (He holds up the grey hair to demonstrate his point while subconsciously running his other hand through his hair. Arteta is unaware as he separates hand from head of the black, oily mess his hand has become).
Edu: (desperately trying to keep Arteta’s attention away from his follicular quagmire) Soon we’ll have our squad ready and maybe then you and I can have a rest, (picks up his drink and using the cocktail stick skewers an olive which he begins to chew), God knows we could do with a holiday.
MA: Yes my friend, (using both arms outstretched, gestures at their idyllic surroundings) I could use a break from this cutthroat world of football management. But this is the price we must pay for immortality, no? Now, I must return to my villa to prepare for tonight’s meeting. I will take the jet ski. (begins descending a ladder at the ship’s side). I will see you at 7.
Edu: (waving) At 7 boss. (On hearing the roar of the jet ski engine he presumes he is alone and stretches sloth like on the lounge chair, drink in hand. His silence, and unfortunately his glass, is shattered by a most unexpected voice)
AW: Arise my faithful servant, I have need of your services.
(Edu’s entire body convulses in an instinctive need to immediately fling himself before his master and fumble subserviently with his zipper. Lacking one, the scene of Edu on his knees pulling the top of his speedos in and out, was somewhat unbecoming to say the least, but Wenger was clearly preoccupied with other issues).
AW: (Walking to the ship’s rail, beckoning Edu to join him with the slightest flick of his index finger). He is returning to shore?
Edu: Yes, my Lord.
(They both stare at the jet ski slowly disappearing towards land, a long black trail outlining the route it had taken).
AW: Damned jetskis, polluting the oceans with their oil.
Edu: (Somewhat guiltily) That’s not oil my Lord.
AW: (Haughtily) It matters not! My time is short. We must plan before the others arrive at 7.
Edu: (surprised) How… how did you know they would be here at 7?
AW: (amused) After all these years and still you would doubt me…I was here beside you all along.
Edu: (shocked) I would never doubt you my Lord, but how? We…I…never saw you!
AW: (Imperiously) Of course you didn’t. I was playing a charity beach soccer match. I had just nutmegged Zidane to score my hat trick when I spotted the impostor making his way on his jet ski towards the yacht. I decided to follow him. I waited till Jurgen Klinsmann scored and then, pretending to celebrate with him, I grabbed on to his legs as he dived into the water. By the time he had stopped skimming we were almost at the yacht. So I quietly climbed on board while that Spanish plodder was tying up the jetski on the other side. You had gone to greet him which gave me all the time I needed to hide.
Edu: But hide where master? There is nowhere to conceal yourself.
AW: (With the arrogance of those who can) Maybe that is true for mere mortals. But I knew with my perfectly bronzed body that if I lay down horizontally at the rail I would be indistinguishable from an oar.
Edu: (in disbelief). But what about your hair?
AW: I had thought of that. While in the water I grabbed some dolphin faeces and used it to dye my hair the perfect shade of sanded wood. I removed my trunks and hid my manhood between my closed legs in a move I learned from ‘Silence of the Lambs’. And as you can see I have had a little ‘Brazilian’ of my own.
(Edu’s mouth drops open as for the first time he realises that Arsene Wenger is absolutely naked standing before him).
Edu: My Lord, it is pure genius.
AW: But of course. I lay there watching and listening. Now you must listen to me. This impostor’s time must come to an end. He is destroying my beloved club with his anti-football. He is making Robespierre’s rule in France look like a cultural revival.
Edu: Before my time boss. Was he manager of the ’82 team?
AW: Quiet you fool!! This transfer window will be his end, I will make sure of it. When Tim Lewis suggests this evening that Bissouma would be an excellent acquisition given his quality and his price, you must not agree, do you hear me?
Edu: Yes master.
AW: You are to tell that Spanish omelette that Bissouma is an independent thinker. That should seal his fate.
Edu: Bit harsh on the travelling community though isn’t it?
AW: (Sighs and repeats himself, emphasising the h) Thinker you numbskull, I said thinker. Now, it is my belief that funds will not be as freely available as he might think so it is essential that you do not raise too much in sales. What are the outgoings looking like?
Edu: (ashamedly) My Lord, Auba, Lacazette, Kolasinac, Chambers are gone for free. (A sob enters his voice) But I’m afraid I have already raised 2 million from the sale of Mavropanos and 9 from the sale of Guendouzi. I might have to accept money for Bellerin, Leno and Maitland-Niles, but I’m pretty sure I can keep them in single figures. Torreira and Nelson also want to leave. We had a raffle for Runnarson but the winner returned him yesterday and demanded his pound back. (collapses to his knees in shame) Forgive me my Lord, I have failed you.
AW: (Smiling, he moves towards Edu consolingly, however the combination of his nudity and Edu’s head position leads to a very uncomfortable few seconds for the latter). Edu, my faithful lackey. There is nothing to apologise for. You have wiped more value off the entire Arsenal squad than the Wall Street crash did from the American Stock Exchange in 1929. Your genius will not go unrewarded.
Now go and prepare for your guests. I will contact you again soon but for now I have a meeting with a Mr Saliba that I do not intend to miss…
[Satire] is a collection of brilliance from one of our readers Almuniasaynomore, who can be seen lurking in comments often. If you are a gooner by heart, is saddened by the current state of Arsenal Football Club, this section tries to have a laugh at expense of some.
If you feel offended, remember, they’re just jokes. We’re all gonna die soon and there’s no football in hell or heaven, so remember that.
Feedbacks are welcome in the comments!
Almunia saving me yet again with another brilliant piece, thanks again!
+1 on the brilliance and the play on words, didn’t see the Dye as I read I had in my mind Die. Brilliant.
The TW will be a non event at best and shitty at worst.
Almunia,
Mate,I love your stuff but this had me in stitches,real belly laughs. How the hell did you come up with that? Thank you for the lift.
Cheers Almunia
You’ve gone even further up in my estimation. You’re now my 3238th favourite all-time Arsenal goalkeeper having just climbed above Vinny Bartram. Geoff Barnett is the next target in your cross hairs.
Lads
I can explain the misunderstanding in this wholly true account of the terrible twosome’s onboard Bunga-Bunga capers. Edu is such a numpty that when he saw Arteta’s bottle of Grecian 2000, he assumed it was a fine Hellenic retsina and promptly drank it through a cocaine-encrusted straw from the belly button of an exotic lady on the poop deck. Easy mistake to make. Edu is still crapping through the eye of a needle 7 days later hence the lack of transfer activity. Stan-k has offered to lend Arteta one of his fur-lined merkins to cover the looming grey bits.
Cheers man. There’s been next to no joy coming out of this shitshow of a club for too long, save for your sublime satires.
PS You and I have talked about our love for 007 films before (Connery is still unfit to suck the sweat off of Dalton’s balls as the best Bond in my opinion!). Was this an allusion to Goldfinger.
Sshurely you don’t ekshpekt me to talk Goldfinger.
No Mr Bond, I expect you to dye!
Kroenkephobe,
The Irish Beeb(rte) are running off all the bonds every weekend. It was license to kill last weekend and to be honest,even my daughter was critical of TD. Then again she thinks Pierce Brosnan is wonderful. So maybe it’s me being a snobby traditionalist but Sean Connery is number one always( or 007 to be specific). Though Daniel Craig’s films are marvellous. Hope all’s well across the channel.
Almunia
Yeah, all fine over here thanks. Too hot but I seldom stray that far from the fridge and Ms K tries to tackle her rampant hay-fever by drinking 10 cups of tea per day. Fucking hell man – if I had a quid for every time she sneezed, I could have paid for Serge Ganbry’s transfer fee by now.
I bow to Almunia Junior (that’s got a good ring to it!) and her superior qualification in Flemingology. If she thinks TD is shite then so be it. But her admiration for PB’s Bond ouevre must be down to home grown bias. I’m hoping I live long enough to see sufficient Bonds to draw up an all-time XI. Once there’s eleven of them, I’d probably start with ten players and leave the hapless Piersy B on the bench, such is my disdain for his films. Have a good one mate. No Mayo this weekend right?
Ganbry easier to pronounce than Ger-nabry I suppose!
Almunia
Oh, and another thing. While Arsenal have achieved next to fuck all in transfers so far, the Bluebirds just signed their 7th (seventh!) new addition yesterday and he’s an ex Arsenal apprentice. Vontae Daley-Campbell who was rated by fans but who ended up at Leicester. They also got a promising attacking RB called Romeo from that most romantic of teams, Millwall. So it can be done (unless your management team are Bunga Bunga addicts).
Kroenkephobe,
Mayo up again Saturday week in the quarter finals but they’ve been drawn against joint favourites Kerry. It’s beyond them I fear. Still,as underdogs ,they tend to go down stubbornly.
I sympathise with Mrs Kroenkephobe, I suffer with hay fever also. A cocktail of sprays and anti- histamines succeed only in making me too tired to sneeze sometimes! Nice dark corners in puns with pool tables are the best treatment I can recommend…….
Cardiff seem to have a plan at least. Is ‘wait and see what’s left’ a plan? Cos if it is then we have one too…….
#in pubs!
Anyway,back to Arsenal. Here’s where I think a lot of the spin and misdirection is confusing some Arsenal fans. They are looking at the squad now and comparing it to previous year’s but most particularly to the squad that Arteta inherited. They see improvement and so they tell us that Arteta is turning things around. He’s ‘getting there’. But this is where they are lacking perspective. In 2 and a half years he has been putting together his team. So stop and look at it. Now,leave out the fact that he has been allowed to spend a very healthy amount while failing abysmally to retrieve money in sales. Leave out the fact that he has been allowed to build without the pressure of expectation that every other club of our size has. Ignore the absence of European demands. Just look at the jigsaw he is constructing and the pieces that are his. Should we be getting a strong impression of what that picture will look like when it’s finished? Yes. What do you think of it so far? Well,for me,I cannot remember enjoying watching Arsenal less. Turgid is the word I use.
But back to the jigsaw. You see we are not slowly evolving,these pieces he’s putting in place,they ARE part of his permanent vision.Ramsdale,Ode,White etc are the players that Arteta believes will lead us to prem and European titles. He will keep adding players like this,stand back and say voila. Now,who believes that in these players we have pieces of a title winning jigsaw? Because if they’re not,then what is he doing with our precious resources?
This is why it’s not ok to stand back and say,let him have another few windows. He is burning through cash and destroying player values. We all know where it’s going. The best of our youngsters will leave having seen the state of his ‘vision’ and he’ll waste that money then. So no,he won’t leave the club in a better position. He’ll have wasted a once in a generation group of hale enders that were handed to him,including Saliba and Martinelli and hundreds of millions of pounds worth of existing assets and transfer funds which were made available to him. No title challenges will be made. And still some will say,well,we are in a better place now. It’s akin to winning the lotto,handing your kid a million quid and in a year’s time when all he has left is 10 grand and an indoor jacuzzi ,comforting yourself by saying that if he wore his clothes in it he could save wear and tear on the washing machine.
I think I’m becoming more frustrated with the Arsenal fans who are happily watching and supporting this than I am with Arteta. At least I know he’s only in it for himself. But the fans? Can anyone offer a perspective on this?
Fucking brilliant jacuzzi/laundry metaphor there mate. I could not agree more. You’re rather good at this writing malarkey…
There’s a strange paradox for also-ran teams like ours these days. Without a huge injection of money (Newcastle, City, Chelsea) or outrageous good fortune (Leicester a few years ago) we have virtually no chance of winning the title, meaning that the pressure is well and truly off the leadership group at Arsenal from the Krankies down to Tets and Edu. What our shambolic cabal of cretins fail to realise though is that the nature of competitive sports ought to oblige us to at least try and compete. They’re all going through the motions and reaping the rewards of their sinecures.
I’m embroidering a green and red prayer mat before that game against County Kerry.
PS Given your literary talents, it makes as much sense to hide in the dark recesses of puns as it does pubs although there’s doubtless less craic.
Kroenkephobe,
You’re dead right,lots of solace to be found in a dark pun.
I was glad Killroy mentioned that Tony had posted recently,even if I didn’t get to read it before it was deleted. He’s not around much anymore,at least we know he’s still going strong enough to give out about the direction of Arsenal! I’ve considered only posting here myself but then you lose the right to reply. There are some really good posters I enjoy talking to also. It’s a tricky one because there’s also the desire to protest against how some posters are being treated and the partisan nature of things. Walking away feels right also,but then the urge to say something in response to some of the more illogical comments is quite powerful. I gather you’ve decided to make your stance here? When I think back to the wonderful discussions and craic that used to be a daily occurrence there it saddens me. It’s like when your favourite pub closes,it’s never a matter of everyone simply agreeing to meet up somewhere else is it? It’s never the same again.
Still,we’ll just have to hope that people see what Mb is offering here. It always takes time to build up a regular clientele.
Was just reading this on the BBC football page. I really love stuff from the archives like this,especially when it’s something new to me. Jamie and Kroenkephobe, as members of the tartan army you should enjoy this stroll down memory lane
https://www.bbc.com/sport/football/52439322
Almunia
Thanks for linking that. Really enjoyable read. Pat Nevin is definitely one of the good guys when it comes to football commentary. The past 20 years would have been better if we’d had even more of his sound insight. A football rarity – a top level player with a fine brain inside his napper.
On LG, I assume I’m still well and truly PNG’ed as we diplomats used to say (persona non grata – all the ex public school smart arses – and there were fucking hoarded of them – spoke in nothing but Latin and cricket metaphors). It was only a matter of time and there’s no way I could even try to go back. I too old and too honest about my feelings. I think Pedro knew I’d started making inroads into his fake supporters, ie himself, and he had no option other than to give in, flip the gear know on the DB6, and press the ejector seat. It’s a lot less exhausting and time consuming nowadays than arguing with sycophants and idiots. You don’t want to be online talking about a subject as dear to you as AFC, and wondering if you need to pull your punches in order to satisfy a little egotistical plastic Gooner who looks a bit like catweasle (Google it – the likeness and his personality are eerily similar).
I don’t want to sound too mincey but it’d be good to poach Tony over here if possible. He’s a good egg (there’s a light pun Almunia!) He takes a lot of shit from the usual arse-lickers and I’m sure he’d welcome the chance to express himself as openly as Ambarish allows us.
I hear you man, it can be hard to hold back sometimes! Both myself and Killroy have told Tony about LIR but to no avail as yet. Pity,like you said,he’s a sound man. You’re probably right to stick to your guns now,that kind of abuse and insult is not something anyone should go courting. I wonder sometimes about the mentality of those who seem to actively seek it out. Following Arsenal is hard enough for the aul mental health!
Nevin is a good one alright. I also like Didi Hamaan,he’s on the box over here a lot. Chippy still contributes and Shay Given is quite eloquent and knowledgeable but in general standards in punditry are declining. Everyone’s afraid to say it as it is, criticism has become a dirty word!
Nice one. Punditry on TV (or the lack of it) is a welcome diversion on another no-news Arsenal day. I looked up those two old gobshites Eamon Dunphy and Johnny Giles and was, frankly, surprised to see they’re both still with us in the auld commentary booth of life.
Ever read Dunphy’s autobiography of a year he spent at Millwall called, ‘Only a Game’. It was refreshingly honest and shone an accurate light on what it meant to be a so-so pro in the 70s. I think he’s still a slip of a lad at 75 and Giles is 81. They were Ireland’s Saint and Greavsie weren’t they. Lower on bullshit, charisma and laughs but made up for it with cutting critique. I lived in Dublin for 6 months in 2000/01 and I seem to remember they were well in their pomp at the time, slagging off any hapless twats that got in their way (a bit like the way the played the beautiful game themselves). I’d rather have either of those two or Lord Chippy of Finsbury Park alongside me in a pub-based than Jimmy fucking Hill or Gary Lineker. I think I’ve still got a copy of that book. I remember that other football biog that really went down well by that famous Italian-Cockney-Irishman Tony Cascarino. You occasionally get these nuggets in among the clichéd bullshit. Vieira’s biog was terrible.
You read a lot of footie lit?
Pub-based brawl. Feck!
Do you think Didi Hamann lives in Ireland. I love the way that players coming to the PL who don’t have English as a first language sometimes pick up the broadest regional accents. Hamann sounds as scouse as Stevey G – or even Jan ‘gizza pie’ Molby. Might become a theme for a top 10 if news continues to be thin on the ground.
Seems like we are bringing in Fabio Vieira from Porto and a 35milliom Euro bid is accepted. He has one good season in the Portuguese league with 6 goals and 14 assists.
KP
I get your drift at times it is so infuriating the spin and total nonsense by the Kool Aid drinking numb nuts and you just can’t help it to present facts on LG, but now I am considering the source and some of them are too far gone and it is below my dignity to engage them.
I thought a decent banter could be held there but to no avail. I believe Pedro is not banning IPs because some of the posters sound quite eerily the same as some that have been banned. If nothing else on September 2nd try to post with a new ID and then in a few days let it rip with I told you so.
Try with a witty user ID don’t let it be Mrs KP as that would be a dead give away 😆
Kudos to you Almunia for your cutting yet apt take on the state of the franchise with our plastic understudy at the helm…it’s clear to anyone who’s not legally blind that what’s on offer presently feels far more Wenger Cupian in nature than the formative years of a bona fide title run…you would think that if a “rebuild” was priority one that you would do your organizational due diligence, by identifying those specific administrative/managerial aspects that most negatively impacted our ability to progress, then properly redressing the obvious ills of our past…instead we seem to care infinitely more about providing an endless stream of lip service for perception purposes only…why else would our absentee landlord try to slap a fresh face on this dumpster fire, by going against all the odds and hiring on the most novice of managerial candidates possible to take on such a monumentally arduous task…the only plausible, albeit ludicrous, explanation is that in Arteta they saw the closet thing to a Wengerian “love child/funhouse mirror doppelganger” scenario, which is quite a poor man’s approach to replicating the past in that Arsene had considerably more experience at the time of his hiring and he likewise had the renaissance man himself, Dein, to guide him through the Premiership gauntlet…Cheers to those of you on the LIR who remain ever vigilant in the most cerebral manner possible