The boardroom. Emirates stadium.
As the summer transfer season of 2023 gets underway the People Responsible for Arsenal’s Transfer Strategy ( P.R.A.T.S ), are holding a secret top level meeting to determine the pathway forward. There is a real sense of responsibility, mixed with trepidation and a distinct flavour of possibility. The backing of the Kroenke’s financial empire has created a new sense of hope but it is mingled with a strong awareness that such backing requires justification.
The decisions of who to buy, who to sell, who to extend and who to release will define the club for the foreseeable future. The squad that is assembled for the upcoming season will elevate the club to the elite level once more, or scupper such dreams with further bail outs unrealistic. A crossroads in this great club’s history has been reached… and to guide it were a handful of footballing giants, manager Mikel Arteta, D.O.F Edu, Assistant manager Steve Round, goalkeeping coach Inaki Cana, CEO Vinai Venkatesham, lawyer Richard Garlick, Bestower of Special Services (B.O.S.S) Arsene Wenger, chairman Josh Kroenke and Win the dog. Such intellectual might, assembled in one room, is rarely seen.
J.K: Guys, I am excited, very fucking excited. The Rams, the Avalanche, the Nuggets… it’s all coming together. When Arsenal win the All England World Championship we will be sporting masters of the entire world (stands up excitedly spreading his arms wide to emphasise his point. Then however he points his finger slowly at each member gathered at the table). But Pops has warned me that he is not some tit with no ass. The club is in a dangerous place, like standing on a press to piss. He will no longer go on a date with failures. (nodding his head slowly at the wisdom of his own words Josh retakes his seat leaving his audience somewhat bemused).
R.G: If I may Josh? (Turns to the group on receiving approval). Mr Kroenke has been most clear. He is not a bottomless pit. In financial terms this club now stands on a precipice. He will no longer accommodate failure. (The sound of stifled oohs and aahs can be heard as Garlick’s words enlighten the room). It is all or nothing.
M.A.: (Immediately jumps up and starts combing his hair) What? They’re here? But I haven’t even been to make up yet! This is unacceptable!
R.G: (slightly miffed) I was not referring to a television documentary Mr Arteta! (His tone becomes somewhat sinister as he carefully emphasises his following words) I was merely explaining that the decisions made here today may very well decide the future of this club and everyone employed by it (his enunciation of the word ‘everyone’ was unmistakable, a grave warning to all).
M.A: (relief flooding through him) Oh, thank God for that. For a minute there I thought I was going to have to show my face on television without the proper preparation. What with all this transfer malarkey I haven’t been to the hairdressers in 3 days!
Edu: (lifting his hands up for Arteta to inspect) Tell me about it, look at the state of these nails. I haven’t had a manicure all week. Edu, buy him, Edu, sell him. I mean, hello? It’s holiday season people. Honestly, we don’t have a match for weeks. What is the panic, I’ll never understand it…
V.V: Gentlemen, we need to get to the task at hand. Do we have any updates on the Rice situation?
Edu: (confidently) Absolutely. All going well. Rice is in the bag, if you’ll pardon the pun.
J.K.: (excited) Really? Goddam it but you’re smooth Edu. Great job. How much?
Edu: Well we offered 80 million but we might now be able to get him for 110 million.
M.A: (High fiving his D.O.F) Outstanding.
J.K: (confused) But guys, isn’t that costing us more money?
M.A: (Shakes his head condescendingly) Josh, Josh, Josh. This is economics football style. Think about it. If we bought Declan Rice for 80 million, what would he be worth?
J.K: Eh… 80 million?
M.A: Exactly! But now that we’re paying 110 million for him he’s worth an extra 30 million!
J.K.: (Thrilled with both the idea and the fact that he understood it) Jesus H Christ, you’ve just increased his value you clever sons of bitches. (Smacks his own knee in delight) Well I’ll be damned.
A.W: Could I make a suggestion? It may be wiser if we were to lower our second bid.
Edu: Lower? But why in the name of God would West Ham accept a lower bid??
A.W: (wearing that unmistakable expression that suggests he is the sole human on earth to understand this key point) Because, my Brazilian back up, we are are going to lower the cash and increase the add-ons. By the time the maths are done the hammers will think it’s a better offer!
Arteta: (confused) But it WILL be a better offer once we’ve triggered the add-ons.
A.W: IF, my young apprentice, IF we trigger the add-ons. The trick is to simply create conditions which are… unlikely… to occur.
V.V: I like the sound of this. Arsene, you’ve done this before haven’t you?
A.W: (feigning humility) I may have dabbled in the black arts of transfer dealing once or twice…
Edu: (Still struggling to understand) So, you would promise clubs more money if the player you were signing helped us win something?
A.W: That’s how we used to do it.
M.A: (With a calculated look at Wenger) I hope it was the Champions League. You would have saved the club a fortune.
Edu: So what will I say to West Ham?
A.W: (his eyes never breaking contact with Arteta) Tell them we’ll add 30 million to the price if Rice helps us win… anything.
J.K: Isn’t that a bit of a gamble Arsene?
A.W: (Still staring at Arteta, raises his right eyebrow while answering the question, a form of intellectual touché) I doubt it!
R.G: Either way gentlemen, the purchasing of Rice would represent a huge outlay of Mr Kroenke’s money. Are we sure that this is our man?
M.A: Undoubtedly. Our research on the player has been thorough. His footballing stats are there for all to see, but we have dug further, deep into the man’s character. No stone has been left unturned. (Begins shuffling papers on his desk until he finds the appropriate piece, holds it up and begins to read it aloud)
“Declan is obviously a superb footballer, but as a man he is even greater. Honest, trustworthy, loyal to a fault, his word is his bond. He is a man whose morality is unquestionable. If Declan is on your side, you have a friend for life”.
J.K: Wow!! What a reference guys. Who said it?
M.A: Jim Crawford, the Irish under 21 manager.
J.K: Well that’s good enough for me then!
V.V: But what about rival interests? Could we get caught in a bidding war? Those Chavs seem to be on our heels permanently.
Edu: (beaming with pride) No chance! I’ve sorted them out. (The sight of Edu with a genuine idea catches the room off guard)
S.R: What did you do?
Edu: Well, remember when the B.O.S.S (Arteta cringes at this reference to Wenger) told us that line 3 was bugged by Chelsea? Well I used it yesterday to ring Brighton and express our ‘interest’ in Caicedo! Chelsea will be so busy hunting him down they won’t have time to think about Rice.
(A stunned silence greets this news)
S.R: Edu, we ARE interested in Caicedo.
Edu: Fuck it. You know, I thought that name sounded familiar.
(Edu hangs his head in shame, then slowly raises it barely risking eye contact with Arteta, but to no avail. Sympathy is not forthcoming. His manager is stood, right arm thrust out, index finger fully extended, pointing to the corner)
Ahh boss, not again.
M.A: SIT!!!
(Edu gets down on all fours and makes his way to the corner where WIN had been eating from a bowl. At a whistle from Arteta the dog sprints forward and takes Edu’s seat beside Arsenal’s legendary blind goalkeeping coach Inaki Cana).
I.C: (unaware of the switch, begins to whisper to Win) Don’t worry about it Edu, I recommended Runnarson and I’m still in a job. This will all blow over. (Win licks his hand) Hey now, none of that! Although I have to say you do smell better than usual. New aftershave?
M.A: (Still fuming having lost his previous exchange with Wenger) Arsene, we need to make a signing that keeps the fans onside, takes the sting out of last season’s ending? You’ve experience in trying to buy back the fan’s goodwill, what do you suggest?
A.W: (does not acknowledge the thinly veiled insult) Mikel, to survive the dark days we must find a ray of light for the fans. We must offer them what they want, what they need.
M.A: Well what DO Arsenal fans want?
A.W: (feigns a thoughtful look by stroking his chin, but the glint in his eye suggested a well rehearsed answer). I do remember one player above all whose arrival lifted the entire fanbase and extended my career by years.
M.A: (Can’t disguise his enthusiasm) Who??
A.W: (Dangles the bait and stands back innocently) Mesut Ozil.
M.A.: (in disbelief) Ozil? Ozil?? Are you telling me that I will win the love and trust of the fans if I buy a half hearted, timid, selfish, German prick who uses his technical ability as a scam to fleece football clubs of millions?? A long streak of misery whose arrogant attitude makes Jacob Rees-Mogg seem endearing?
A.W.: (Calling on his best poker face) Yes. But I won’t Kai, players of this ilk are difficult to find. Havertz you any ideas?
M.A: (Totally unaware of this not so subtle subliminal hint) Now that I think about it a name does come to mind! Are you sure this is wise?
A.W: Absolutely, the fans will be delighted… Oh, Mikel?
M.A: Yes?
A.W: Don’t be too hard on yourself. Buying midfielders is harder than many people think. We all make mistakes.
M.A: (Genuinely moved) Thanks Arsene.
A.W: No problem. I understand. I’ve bought some duds myself (winks at Arteta, pulls back his chair and makes to go, leaving Mikel seething).
Edu: (Still on all fours in the corner) B.O.S.S, before you go, any tips for me on who to buy for the defence
A.W: Edu, a team is like a house and it’s defence is it’s foundation. Choose the right materials and your building will be sound.
Edu: (deep in thought) Building material… house… got it. Thanks B.O.S.S..
R.G: OK gentlemen we’ll leave it there for now. Next week we’ll focus on outgoings. (Silence greets this idea). Sales, you know, getting other clubs to buy our players? (the silence deepens, shrugs and blank expressions dominate the room). Players we make a profit on?
J.K: I got this Richard. Next week we’re talking about all the troublemakers we have to get rid of for the sake of the culture of the club.
All: Ohhhhh! (All rise, filtering slowly out of the room. As they go a swirl of comments drift back to where Richard Garlick has remained seated) Them! Bastards! Selling is too good for them. Give them away. Fuck it, pay them to leave… did you see the way that Trossard fella looked at me… Never mind him, that Jorgihno has some mouth on him… oh get them out quick I tell you…
R.G.: (Head in hands) Stan, what did I do to deserve this???
[Satire] is a collection of brilliance from one of our readers Almuniasaynomore, who can be seen lurking in comments often. This section tries to have a laugh at expense of some.
If you feel offended, remember, they’re just jokes. We’re all gonna die soon and there’s no football in hell or heaven, so remember that.
Feedbacks are welcome in the comments!
Marc
I would imagine your ST is more about meeting mates in the Tolli than the games at the moment. Then drinks on the way home. It’s a way of life for you and Bob, but I get you must think sometimes as the club takes more and gives less is it worth it?
On one of the twitter rants once the news broke by Ornstein that City would bid one person commented:
“Edu is probably signing some underage Brazilian DM nobody knows to replace Rice as we speak.”
Sums up the situation
Tony
The deal with Vlahovic was pretty much driven by his agent as there was never an intent for him to move but the agent used Arsenal to drive up the price that Juve was having to pay for Vlah to Fiorentina.
Mickey Mudflaps was on us as we insulted Shaktar, dilly dallied with the offers plus included add-ons that could never be met. Todd and Co took advantage of that. If this was a good deal we don’t know that yet. Possible Poch could turn him into a player or we dodges a bullet. Yet, it established terrible optics on how the clowns approach a transfer.
For me this summer TW blew any credibility that Edu & Bumteta had with clubs we want to deal with. Will they go to Real and plunk down mega bucks for Tchouaméni instead or pip Chelsea to Caicedo? These are difficult deals to pull of and Mo and Curly the clowns doing the dealings are turning our summer TW into a circus.
Killroy
Thanks for the Vlahovic info, I remember it going on for weeks.
As for the club this TW, one just hopes and wonders of what could have been and then it’s the first game of there new season.
A song that would keep Mikel happy: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WEhS9Y9HYjU
MATHS AND ECONOMICS FRIDAY
If you take out all but two of the zeros in the Rice thing… it’s as if West Ham is some old scrubber with a fag hanging out of her mouth behind the counter of a pound shop, and Arsenal is a desperate, only semi-sober jakey…
(wh) Nah mate. I’m telling you it’s a pahnd. You ain’t getting this fucking fish paste sandwich any cheaper you miserly old cahnt..
(afc) Leave it aht you old schlaag. The fucking corners of the bread are turning up, and the last time I bought one from here it tasted like sharkshit. I’ll give you 90 pence. Come on whaddayasay?
(wh) I could sell this sandwich for much more money to those oily cunts up norf, and ‘cos you’ve been pissing about so long, inflation’s taken hold and we’re now a one pound ten shop. So hand it over or fahkin do one!
(afc) ooh that’s a shame. I ain’t got another 20p cos my American grandad spunked it all on a TV channel about blood sports. And that Brazilian ponce blew all of our savings on a drink-up with coke-fuelled hookers in wetherspoons last night. Do you know what time the 80p shop closes next to the Amex in Brighton?
Question
What is the percentage increase if something you want to pay 90 million for actually costs 110?
Fucking ludicrous. Maybe the analogy would work better with a porno mag rather than a sandwich given West Ham’s owner…
It’s very unlike me but the west ham – arsenal nexus got me thinking. Who have we ever signed directly from wh? Well, no one since at least 87 it would seem. Yossi Benayoun (bless him) was originally a hammer but we got him on loan from Chelsea I think – where else?) Millions of our arsenal players have gone their way. Sone good (Winterburn, Ljungberg, Wrighty) and some not so good (Almunia, Perez and Chamakh) but Rice could (repeat could) be our first incoming signing in recent history. Herb might know, but can anyone remember a recognised senior squad level player coming to us from the Boleyn?
Tony
Very much the case at the moment – too many matches that are a chore to go to but its a habit you indulged in the hope that come mid next season the tide will have turned and Arteta will be on his way out.
Hi Tony
I hear you mate. Contrary to appearances, I’m slowly switching off interest in this farrago. I owe you a reply on the other channel.
Right, the Covenant. I refuse to call it by its full name because it’s a mediocre film and mentioning the director sounds pompous. Also the story wasn’t about GR’s Covenant so a misnoma. I’m also unable to avoid looking at the background geopolitics because of my background.
The good.
It shares it’s focus between the US Sargeant AND the interpreter who is arguably the strongest character. And he gets some funny lines. It also shows what this west-inspired war did to some pockets of the Afghan community.
The bad. It’s a bit like a modern day cowboy flick. Portions of the American population are too thick to see war as anything other than good guys versus bad (cf. Ukraine and the fuck up in the former Yugoslavia). This meant that there was no insight into why the Taliban and other groups were resisting the invasion. They were merely murderous fanatics which is a shallow take. And the bit of irony at the end where Mujahideen (formerly sworn enemies of the US of A) helped him escape the Taliban was not lost on me.
The ugly. No real development of the other US soldiers with the silly names who lost their lives at the ied factory. It was almost as though Ritchie was happy to portray them as cannon fodder.
Not as good as hurt locker. The two distinct stages in the film reminded me of the deer hunter. A good rip roaring tale but not much more.
Rumours going around that Partey’s up for moving to Juve.
What does everyone (especially Bob) thinks he’s worth in the current market? I ask because I’d like to see what the consensus is before I start criticising A&E for giving away another player for a paltry fee and then get accused of having it in for Arteta.
Tony
For £100M – Rice will have his own naughty step.
Another ex AFC player has now achieved his A class coaching badge. He played for Como last year and has an ambition – to out perform his AFC manager whilst managing them.
Norg,
It would be fascinating if Fabregas became a successful coach and was open to taking the job here in a few years. Would the fans welcome him? Or would we have a marmite manager(for a change)?
I think the ship has sailed for Henry and Vieira is also more unlikely now.
I think we’d all love to see Santi back in some role or other.
KP,
How’s it going,you kahnt? Love the cockney accent,every time I try to do it though it morphs into a scouse one. My acting career never stood a chance! Hope the hols go/ are going well. A little envious…..
Tony,
The boys on LG have you down as about 4 different posters you master of disguise you! The last of the international playboys……..
asnm
Cesc would have to divulge the story of his departure (as told to me by his uncle). I expect he would be forgiven by most.
Hi NORG
Fabregas is an odd one for me. I loved him up until the celebrations after that World Cup win for Spain. He was skilled, spiky and his presence in the team inspired confidence even when he was still a slip of a lad.
I may be overdoing it a touch, but by allowing Reina to ‘accidentally’ slip a Barca jersey over his head while he was well and truly our player was a step too far and it diminished his legacy. Hammers fans still go nuts about Paul Ince for similar reasons. If that hadn’t happened and he’d gone to Barca quietly, I think I’d have been resolved to it given his history with them, and his desire to gain proper success away from Uncle Arsene’s misrule. I tend to be a bit binary on stuff like this and think ex-players are ‘Arsenal’ or some other bunch. Frank McClintock, Brady, Bergo, Spider, TA, Rocky, PV and Wrighty all are what I’d characterise as Arsenal men. Fabregas, however, I’d place in a file with Stapleton, Mickey Thomas, Alexis and David Platt. And when he appears on the box now, I think of him as a former Chelsea and Barca player. It’s just a daft instinct but one I find hard to shake.
Hi Almunia
Yeah, I see what you mean about PV’s managerial prospects. I’m amazed that the Palace squad downed tools on him last year only to pick them up again when woy reappeared. Nevertheless, he was clearly getting a tune out of them at one point although I think his star has waned. Maybe he needs to assert himself somewhere again. I read that Leeds are interested.
Wenger had a problem with Cesc. Like most good players under Wenger they all complained they needed better players in the team to achieve their ambitions. Wenger chose instead to persist with trying to polish turds. Cesc then chose additional training with a chosen few – Hleb, Flamini and a couple of others – Wengers hated the situation. The rest is history and Cesc went to Barca 3 years before he had originally planned.
Norg & KP-Wenger’s disenchantment with the new “superstar” and all that it entailed led him to only recruit those who wouldn’t usurp his increasingly fragile monopolisitc reign…thus the reason why we had a revolving door captaincy…for those who did take on the armband they were either shipped shortly thereafter or reduced to little more than a locker room rat, as a member of Wenger’s fine cop brigade…during this period Wenger wanted nothing more than to take a team largely populated with also-rans and half measures to the promised land so that the light would invariably shine most brightly on him…but I digress
KP
The general American public know shit about history and geography like know idea about the difference between Austria and Australia or if you go past the time when they were 10 they give you a blank stare. But they are really up to date with the Kardashians. Infuriating to say the least.
.
When Tito was in power and held Yugoslavia together once he died they had no idea why and what was happening in that area. The reason why things are so terrible in the US at the moment is because they don’t take serious Terry Pratchett’s quote: “If you do not know where you come from, then you don’t know where you are, and if you don’t know where you are, then you don’t know where you’re going. And if you don’t know where you’re going, you’re probably going wrong.”
I’m inclined to agree with TRVL,The departures of Cesc and RVP left a real sour taste on each occasion and I certainly don’t know all the facts. But given what I witnessed in the last decade of Wenger I’m inclined to be far more sympathetic to the players. The refusal to re-sign Cesc was one of the worst cases of footballing hubris I’ve ever witnessed. I do take KP’s point that Cesc could have handled it better also. When Arsene has decided to manage a heavenly 11 the truth may well come out……
My personal issue with RVP was he spent 8 (I think it was 8 but happy to be corrected) seasons where for the vast majority of them he was frequently injured. He then suddenly managed to stay fit for a season when he was obviously planning to leave, stayed fit for Fergie for a season but when Fergie retired became injury prone again.
Almunia-just think about the manner in which the club purposely tried to undermine the relationship between players like RVP, Nasri, Szczesny, Koscieny, Vermaelen and Sanchez and the fanbase just prior to or immediately following their respective exits…for an organization that had always supposedly prided itself on keeping things in-house, it’s so intriguing that information was always forthcoming when it best suited Wenger’s desired narrative…this of course hasn’t changed under Arteta, who has adopted a similar MO with the likes of Guendo, Auba and Ozil, although he certainly inflamed matters on his own
Marc-please keep in mind that once RVP discovered that Wenger had no intention whatsoever in investing heavily so that we could compete with the best and brightest he decided to move on…keeping in mind, Gazidis literally showed him that we had all the finances in place to do so…now some were very disparaging towards Gazidis during his time here, which made some sense considering the power Wenger wielded over large segments of the fanbase, even going so far as to suggest he was Kroenke’s lackey who had no business being in the footballing realm…even I was convinced of this possibility, until I dug a little deeper…think about it, if Gazidis was truly Kroenke’s pigeon and we likewise believed Stan was behind our austre financial model, why wasn’t he summarily fired for his continued attempts to increase our spending…furthermore, look how quickly Gazidiz resurrected a long since dead AC Milan, prior to his helath issues, so there’s little doubt he had the requisite football acumen