The boardroom. Emirates stadium.
As the summer transfer season of 2023 gets underway the People Responsible for Arsenal’s Transfer Strategy ( P.R.A.T.S ), are holding a secret top level meeting to determine the pathway forward. There is a real sense of responsibility, mixed with trepidation and a distinct flavour of possibility. The backing of the Kroenke’s financial empire has created a new sense of hope but it is mingled with a strong awareness that such backing requires justification.
The decisions of who to buy, who to sell, who to extend and who to release will define the club for the foreseeable future. The squad that is assembled for the upcoming season will elevate the club to the elite level once more, or scupper such dreams with further bail outs unrealistic. A crossroads in this great club’s history has been reached… and to guide it were a handful of footballing giants, manager Mikel Arteta, D.O.F Edu, Assistant manager Steve Round, goalkeeping coach Inaki Cana, CEO Vinai Venkatesham, lawyer Richard Garlick, Bestower of Special Services (B.O.S.S) Arsene Wenger, chairman Josh Kroenke and Win the dog. Such intellectual might, assembled in one room, is rarely seen.
J.K: Guys, I am excited, very fucking excited. The Rams, the Avalanche, the Nuggets… it’s all coming together. When Arsenal win the All England World Championship we will be sporting masters of the entire world (stands up excitedly spreading his arms wide to emphasise his point. Then however he points his finger slowly at each member gathered at the table). But Pops has warned me that he is not some tit with no ass. The club is in a dangerous place, like standing on a press to piss. He will no longer go on a date with failures. (nodding his head slowly at the wisdom of his own words Josh retakes his seat leaving his audience somewhat bemused).
R.G: If I may Josh? (Turns to the group on receiving approval). Mr Kroenke has been most clear. He is not a bottomless pit. In financial terms this club now stands on a precipice. He will no longer accommodate failure. (The sound of stifled oohs and aahs can be heard as Garlick’s words enlighten the room). It is all or nothing.
M.A.: (Immediately jumps up and starts combing his hair) What? They’re here? But I haven’t even been to make up yet! This is unacceptable!
R.G: (slightly miffed) I was not referring to a television documentary Mr Arteta! (His tone becomes somewhat sinister as he carefully emphasises his following words) I was merely explaining that the decisions made here today may very well decide the future of this club and everyone employed by it (his enunciation of the word ‘everyone’ was unmistakable, a grave warning to all).
M.A: (relief flooding through him) Oh, thank God for that. For a minute there I thought I was going to have to show my face on television without the proper preparation. What with all this transfer malarkey I haven’t been to the hairdressers in 3 days!
Edu: (lifting his hands up for Arteta to inspect) Tell me about it, look at the state of these nails. I haven’t had a manicure all week. Edu, buy him, Edu, sell him. I mean, hello? It’s holiday season people. Honestly, we don’t have a match for weeks. What is the panic, I’ll never understand it…
V.V: Gentlemen, we need to get to the task at hand. Do we have any updates on the Rice situation?
Edu: (confidently) Absolutely. All going well. Rice is in the bag, if you’ll pardon the pun.
J.K.: (excited) Really? Goddam it but you’re smooth Edu. Great job. How much?
Edu: Well we offered 80 million but we might now be able to get him for 110 million.
M.A: (High fiving his D.O.F) Outstanding.
J.K: (confused) But guys, isn’t that costing us more money?
M.A: (Shakes his head condescendingly) Josh, Josh, Josh. This is economics football style. Think about it. If we bought Declan Rice for 80 million, what would he be worth?
J.K: Eh… 80 million?
M.A: Exactly! But now that we’re paying 110 million for him he’s worth an extra 30 million!
J.K.: (Thrilled with both the idea and the fact that he understood it) Jesus H Christ, you’ve just increased his value you clever sons of bitches. (Smacks his own knee in delight) Well I’ll be damned.
A.W: Could I make a suggestion? It may be wiser if we were to lower our second bid.
Edu: Lower? But why in the name of God would West Ham accept a lower bid??
A.W: (wearing that unmistakable expression that suggests he is the sole human on earth to understand this key point) Because, my Brazilian back up, we are are going to lower the cash and increase the add-ons. By the time the maths are done the hammers will think it’s a better offer!
Arteta: (confused) But it WILL be a better offer once we’ve triggered the add-ons.
A.W: IF, my young apprentice, IF we trigger the add-ons. The trick is to simply create conditions which are… unlikely… to occur.
V.V: I like the sound of this. Arsene, you’ve done this before haven’t you?
A.W: (feigning humility) I may have dabbled in the black arts of transfer dealing once or twice…
Edu: (Still struggling to understand) So, you would promise clubs more money if the player you were signing helped us win something?
A.W: That’s how we used to do it.
M.A: (With a calculated look at Wenger) I hope it was the Champions League. You would have saved the club a fortune.
Edu: So what will I say to West Ham?
A.W: (his eyes never breaking contact with Arteta) Tell them we’ll add 30 million to the price if Rice helps us win… anything.
J.K: Isn’t that a bit of a gamble Arsene?
A.W: (Still staring at Arteta, raises his right eyebrow while answering the question, a form of intellectual touché) I doubt it!
R.G: Either way gentlemen, the purchasing of Rice would represent a huge outlay of Mr Kroenke’s money. Are we sure that this is our man?
M.A: Undoubtedly. Our research on the player has been thorough. His footballing stats are there for all to see, but we have dug further, deep into the man’s character. No stone has been left unturned. (Begins shuffling papers on his desk until he finds the appropriate piece, holds it up and begins to read it aloud)
“Declan is obviously a superb footballer, but as a man he is even greater. Honest, trustworthy, loyal to a fault, his word is his bond. He is a man whose morality is unquestionable. If Declan is on your side, you have a friend for life”.
J.K: Wow!! What a reference guys. Who said it?
M.A: Jim Crawford, the Irish under 21 manager.
J.K: Well that’s good enough for me then!
V.V: But what about rival interests? Could we get caught in a bidding war? Those Chavs seem to be on our heels permanently.
Edu: (beaming with pride) No chance! I’ve sorted them out. (The sight of Edu with a genuine idea catches the room off guard)
S.R: What did you do?
Edu: Well, remember when the B.O.S.S (Arteta cringes at this reference to Wenger) told us that line 3 was bugged by Chelsea? Well I used it yesterday to ring Brighton and express our ‘interest’ in Caicedo! Chelsea will be so busy hunting him down they won’t have time to think about Rice.
(A stunned silence greets this news)
S.R: Edu, we ARE interested in Caicedo.
Edu: Fuck it. You know, I thought that name sounded familiar.
(Edu hangs his head in shame, then slowly raises it barely risking eye contact with Arteta, but to no avail. Sympathy is not forthcoming. His manager is stood, right arm thrust out, index finger fully extended, pointing to the corner)
Ahh boss, not again.
M.A: SIT!!!
(Edu gets down on all fours and makes his way to the corner where WIN had been eating from a bowl. At a whistle from Arteta the dog sprints forward and takes Edu’s seat beside Arsenal’s legendary blind goalkeeping coach Inaki Cana).
I.C: (unaware of the switch, begins to whisper to Win) Don’t worry about it Edu, I recommended Runnarson and I’m still in a job. This will all blow over. (Win licks his hand) Hey now, none of that! Although I have to say you do smell better than usual. New aftershave?
M.A: (Still fuming having lost his previous exchange with Wenger) Arsene, we need to make a signing that keeps the fans onside, takes the sting out of last season’s ending? You’ve experience in trying to buy back the fan’s goodwill, what do you suggest?
A.W: (does not acknowledge the thinly veiled insult) Mikel, to survive the dark days we must find a ray of light for the fans. We must offer them what they want, what they need.
M.A: Well what DO Arsenal fans want?
A.W: (feigns a thoughtful look by stroking his chin, but the glint in his eye suggested a well rehearsed answer). I do remember one player above all whose arrival lifted the entire fanbase and extended my career by years.
M.A: (Can’t disguise his enthusiasm) Who??
A.W: (Dangles the bait and stands back innocently) Mesut Ozil.
M.A.: (in disbelief) Ozil? Ozil?? Are you telling me that I will win the love and trust of the fans if I buy a half hearted, timid, selfish, German prick who uses his technical ability as a scam to fleece football clubs of millions?? A long streak of misery whose arrogant attitude makes Jacob Rees-Mogg seem endearing?
A.W.: (Calling on his best poker face) Yes. But I won’t Kai, players of this ilk are difficult to find. Havertz you any ideas?
M.A: (Totally unaware of this not so subtle subliminal hint) Now that I think about it a name does come to mind! Are you sure this is wise?
A.W: Absolutely, the fans will be delighted… Oh, Mikel?
M.A: Yes?
A.W: Don’t be too hard on yourself. Buying midfielders is harder than many people think. We all make mistakes.
M.A: (Genuinely moved) Thanks Arsene.
A.W: No problem. I understand. I’ve bought some duds myself (winks at Arteta, pulls back his chair and makes to go, leaving Mikel seething).
Edu: (Still on all fours in the corner) B.O.S.S, before you go, any tips for me on who to buy for the defence
A.W: Edu, a team is like a house and it’s defence is it’s foundation. Choose the right materials and your building will be sound.
Edu: (deep in thought) Building material… house… got it. Thanks B.O.S.S..
R.G: OK gentlemen we’ll leave it there for now. Next week we’ll focus on outgoings. (Silence greets this idea). Sales, you know, getting other clubs to buy our players? (the silence deepens, shrugs and blank expressions dominate the room). Players we make a profit on?
J.K: I got this Richard. Next week we’re talking about all the troublemakers we have to get rid of for the sake of the culture of the club.
All: Ohhhhh! (All rise, filtering slowly out of the room. As they go a swirl of comments drift back to where Richard Garlick has remained seated) Them! Bastards! Selling is too good for them. Give them away. Fuck it, pay them to leave… did you see the way that Trossard fella looked at me… Never mind him, that Jorgihno has some mouth on him… oh get them out quick I tell you…
R.G.: (Head in hands) Stan, what did I do to deserve this???
[Satire] is a collection of brilliance from one of our readers Almuniasaynomore, who can be seen lurking in comments often. This section tries to have a laugh at expense of some.
If you feel offended, remember, they’re just jokes. We’re all gonna die soon and there’s no football in hell or heaven, so remember that.
Feedbacks are welcome in the comments!
TRVL,
I see the same traits in Arteta that latter Wenger had,just as you’ve alluded to. Perhaps that’s one of the reasons I’ve taken such a strong dislike to him. The prioritisation of controlling the narrative over doing the bloody job. I’ll go on record saying I accept I’ve always been biased against him on some kind of intuitive/ instinctive level. These instincts have failed me before,I admit.
Marc,
Watching RVP playing for Fergie’s utd,worse, almost single handedly winning the pricks the league,was the single hardest pill I’ve ever had to swallow. But I don’t believe he ever feigned injury(nor am I suggesting you do btw) and I am extremely sympathetic to a player of that quality who saw the end of his career coming with no meaningful trophies in sight. In some ways I think Kane is caught in a similar position and I have sympathy for him also. I feel both players were misled by the senior management at their respective clubs.
TRVL
I argued at the time against the line that Gazidis was part of some conspiracy to deprive Wenger of money for one very simple reason – he came out on several occasions talking about being able to afford any player on the planet outside of Messi or Ronaldo. You can’t make claims like that for a company who’s shares are traded.
Marc, no idea what a ‘good price’ would be for Partey- I guess it would depend where he was going. The price the Saudi sportswashers would be willing to pay wouldn’t be influenced by his current wages in a way that say Juventus might be.
I guess we’d get £20m from Juventus which would feel low and maybe double that from the beheaders which would seem fine if we could buy Lavia for a similar amount.
Almunia-I too have held these similarities against him, but I hold the powers that be more accountable for handing him the keys so early on, considering his paltry CV…I do find it rather amusing that he would model himself after a man who was clearly past his prime and who likewise never rated him…in fact, Wenger wanted Jagielka, and when he couldn’t achieve this ends he made a cheeky bid for MA in the 11th hour…Everton didn’t want anything to do with this insulting offer, but MA, who was so thirsty to finally get a chance on the “big” stage again, pushed it through…to top it all off, MA had to actually pay a substantial sum to get it over the line….as a reward for all of his efforts Wenger gave him a position along side Per in his fine cop brigade…thus showing just how desperate he was to get back in the limelight
just imagine if we paid almost double the amount for Lavia that we got for Partey…only at the Emirates
Marc-think about it, from the get-go the supposed plan behind the building of the Emirates was that it was going to enable us to compete with the best and the brightest, yet somehow we constantly claimed we didn’t have the requisite finances until Wenger was shown the door…Gazidis was likely put in place so that we could actually achieve that ends, but it didn’t jive whatsoever with Wenger’s personal agenda…of course, our absentee landlord wasn’t going to remove a club legend from the equation so long as he was still achieving a certain level of success(ie the Wenger Cup) and his investment was continuing to grow expotentially, which of course had far more to do with market forces than Wenger himself…only once this frist requirement was no longer a given did they truly contemplate a move away from our longtime boss…by the time Gazidis was in line to run the show we had already brought in several competing interests, like the used car salesman Raul and Diamond Eye, which encouraged him to look for a new landing spot where he could properly shape his own narrative
Hi Killroy
I was covering the Balkans in the early 90s at the FCO. It was a complex and longstanding conflict compared to both world wars, let alone something relatively more straightforward like Kuwait or the Falklands/Malvinas. A 3 sided war with pockets of civilians caught in the wrong places and being horribly persecuted. Plus the reopening of ethnic strife from the 20th century (Croat Ustashe, Serbian Partizans and Chetniks), medieval scores being settled in Kosovo and Albania and religious genocide against moslems in Bosnia. A really terrible war which can and does sometimes reignite. State Department colleagues were fixated on trying to support their traditional image of good guys but the fact is there were none, just innocent people being ethnically cleansed by slivovitz fuelled war mongers.
In football terms, a bit like a preseason tournament involving Manure, Liverpool, Spurs and Chelsea in a footballing fight to the death with a church group inadvertently caught up on the terraces.
The entire TP case of course is backlit by wider litigious issues which may or may not come to pass. From a footballing point of view, it makes no sense to me to sell him now in my view irrespective of the fee or who we may get in over the summer.
That said, they’ll probably keep cuddly good guy Elneny and sell TP, our midfield mainstay.
Almunia
I enjoyed your comments about accents. When one is telling stories/jokes it’s important to do them right?
These days, whenever I hear someone trying one, and irrespective of whether it’s good or not, it’s always worth interrupting them and saying, ‘do the accent’.
holy fuck, if I have to hear about MA’s infamous 5 year plan again, when anyone with a functioning brain knows full-well it’s complete utter bullshit, unless it wasn’t conceived until after his first FULL season, I’m going to have a hairy fucking conniption…to make matters worse, it never gets raised unless someone is angling towards the ludicrous notion that we’re considerably ahead of fucking schedule…talk about your payola worthy rhetoric
Bob
I don’t factor what the Saudi’s would pay – its a nonsense what we can get from a top European league is a gauge of how we’re performing in that particular area.
The problem is if it were Liverpool selling (for instance) they’d get a considerable higher fee than we will – it has to stop.
Ultimately its fleecing the fans who go to matches.
TRVL
I buy you a bic razor!
TRVL
The financial concept behind building the Emirates was good business sense that got overtaken by events before it was finished.
At the time of planning match day revenue was a huge part of a clubs turn over then the TV money went from serious to mental and match day revenue became a secondary stream of income.
New post.