The boardroom. Emirates stadium.
As the summer transfer season of 2023 gets underway the People Responsible for Arsenal’s Transfer Strategy ( P.R.A.T.S ), are holding a secret top level meeting to determine the pathway forward. There is a real sense of responsibility, mixed with trepidation and a distinct flavour of possibility. The backing of the Kroenke’s financial empire has created a new sense of hope but it is mingled with a strong awareness that such backing requires justification.
The decisions of who to buy, who to sell, who to extend and who to release will define the club for the foreseeable future. The squad that is assembled for the upcoming season will elevate the club to the elite level once more, or scupper such dreams with further bail outs unrealistic. A crossroads in this great club’s history has been reached… and to guide it were a handful of footballing giants, manager Mikel Arteta, D.O.F Edu, Assistant manager Steve Round, goalkeeping coach Inaki Cana, CEO Vinai Venkatesham, lawyer Richard Garlick, Bestower of Special Services (B.O.S.S) Arsene Wenger, chairman Josh Kroenke and Win the dog. Such intellectual might, assembled in one room, is rarely seen.
J.K: Guys, I am excited, very fucking excited. The Rams, the Avalanche, the Nuggets… it’s all coming together. When Arsenal win the All England World Championship we will be sporting masters of the entire world (stands up excitedly spreading his arms wide to emphasise his point. Then however he points his finger slowly at each member gathered at the table). But Pops has warned me that he is not some tit with no ass. The club is in a dangerous place, like standing on a press to piss. He will no longer go on a date with failures. (nodding his head slowly at the wisdom of his own words Josh retakes his seat leaving his audience somewhat bemused).
R.G: If I may Josh? (Turns to the group on receiving approval). Mr Kroenke has been most clear. He is not a bottomless pit. In financial terms this club now stands on a precipice. He will no longer accommodate failure. (The sound of stifled oohs and aahs can be heard as Garlick’s words enlighten the room). It is all or nothing.
M.A.: (Immediately jumps up and starts combing his hair) What? They’re here? But I haven’t even been to make up yet! This is unacceptable!
R.G: (slightly miffed) I was not referring to a television documentary Mr Arteta! (His tone becomes somewhat sinister as he carefully emphasises his following words) I was merely explaining that the decisions made here today may very well decide the future of this club and everyone employed by it (his enunciation of the word ‘everyone’ was unmistakable, a grave warning to all).
M.A: (relief flooding through him) Oh, thank God for that. For a minute there I thought I was going to have to show my face on television without the proper preparation. What with all this transfer malarkey I haven’t been to the hairdressers in 3 days!
Edu: (lifting his hands up for Arteta to inspect) Tell me about it, look at the state of these nails. I haven’t had a manicure all week. Edu, buy him, Edu, sell him. I mean, hello? It’s holiday season people. Honestly, we don’t have a match for weeks. What is the panic, I’ll never understand it…
V.V: Gentlemen, we need to get to the task at hand. Do we have any updates on the Rice situation?
Edu: (confidently) Absolutely. All going well. Rice is in the bag, if you’ll pardon the pun.
J.K.: (excited) Really? Goddam it but you’re smooth Edu. Great job. How much?
Edu: Well we offered 80 million but we might now be able to get him for 110 million.
M.A: (High fiving his D.O.F) Outstanding.
J.K: (confused) But guys, isn’t that costing us more money?
M.A: (Shakes his head condescendingly) Josh, Josh, Josh. This is economics football style. Think about it. If we bought Declan Rice for 80 million, what would he be worth?
J.K: Eh… 80 million?
M.A: Exactly! But now that we’re paying 110 million for him he’s worth an extra 30 million!
J.K.: (Thrilled with both the idea and the fact that he understood it) Jesus H Christ, you’ve just increased his value you clever sons of bitches. (Smacks his own knee in delight) Well I’ll be damned.
A.W: Could I make a suggestion? It may be wiser if we were to lower our second bid.
Edu: Lower? But why in the name of God would West Ham accept a lower bid??
A.W: (wearing that unmistakable expression that suggests he is the sole human on earth to understand this key point) Because, my Brazilian back up, we are are going to lower the cash and increase the add-ons. By the time the maths are done the hammers will think it’s a better offer!
Arteta: (confused) But it WILL be a better offer once we’ve triggered the add-ons.
A.W: IF, my young apprentice, IF we trigger the add-ons. The trick is to simply create conditions which are… unlikely… to occur.
V.V: I like the sound of this. Arsene, you’ve done this before haven’t you?
A.W: (feigning humility) I may have dabbled in the black arts of transfer dealing once or twice…
Edu: (Still struggling to understand) So, you would promise clubs more money if the player you were signing helped us win something?
A.W: That’s how we used to do it.
M.A: (With a calculated look at Wenger) I hope it was the Champions League. You would have saved the club a fortune.
Edu: So what will I say to West Ham?
A.W: (his eyes never breaking contact with Arteta) Tell them we’ll add 30 million to the price if Rice helps us win… anything.
J.K: Isn’t that a bit of a gamble Arsene?
A.W: (Still staring at Arteta, raises his right eyebrow while answering the question, a form of intellectual touché) I doubt it!
R.G: Either way gentlemen, the purchasing of Rice would represent a huge outlay of Mr Kroenke’s money. Are we sure that this is our man?
M.A: Undoubtedly. Our research on the player has been thorough. His footballing stats are there for all to see, but we have dug further, deep into the man’s character. No stone has been left unturned. (Begins shuffling papers on his desk until he finds the appropriate piece, holds it up and begins to read it aloud)
“Declan is obviously a superb footballer, but as a man he is even greater. Honest, trustworthy, loyal to a fault, his word is his bond. He is a man whose morality is unquestionable. If Declan is on your side, you have a friend for life”.
J.K: Wow!! What a reference guys. Who said it?
M.A: Jim Crawford, the Irish under 21 manager.
J.K: Well that’s good enough for me then!
V.V: But what about rival interests? Could we get caught in a bidding war? Those Chavs seem to be on our heels permanently.
Edu: (beaming with pride) No chance! I’ve sorted them out. (The sight of Edu with a genuine idea catches the room off guard)
S.R: What did you do?
Edu: Well, remember when the B.O.S.S (Arteta cringes at this reference to Wenger) told us that line 3 was bugged by Chelsea? Well I used it yesterday to ring Brighton and express our ‘interest’ in Caicedo! Chelsea will be so busy hunting him down they won’t have time to think about Rice.
(A stunned silence greets this news)
S.R: Edu, we ARE interested in Caicedo.
Edu: Fuck it. You know, I thought that name sounded familiar.
(Edu hangs his head in shame, then slowly raises it barely risking eye contact with Arteta, but to no avail. Sympathy is not forthcoming. His manager is stood, right arm thrust out, index finger fully extended, pointing to the corner)
Ahh boss, not again.
M.A: SIT!!!
(Edu gets down on all fours and makes his way to the corner where WIN had been eating from a bowl. At a whistle from Arteta the dog sprints forward and takes Edu’s seat beside Arsenal’s legendary blind goalkeeping coach Inaki Cana).
I.C: (unaware of the switch, begins to whisper to Win) Don’t worry about it Edu, I recommended Runnarson and I’m still in a job. This will all blow over. (Win licks his hand) Hey now, none of that! Although I have to say you do smell better than usual. New aftershave?
M.A: (Still fuming having lost his previous exchange with Wenger) Arsene, we need to make a signing that keeps the fans onside, takes the sting out of last season’s ending? You’ve experience in trying to buy back the fan’s goodwill, what do you suggest?
A.W: (does not acknowledge the thinly veiled insult) Mikel, to survive the dark days we must find a ray of light for the fans. We must offer them what they want, what they need.
M.A: Well what DO Arsenal fans want?
A.W: (feigns a thoughtful look by stroking his chin, but the glint in his eye suggested a well rehearsed answer). I do remember one player above all whose arrival lifted the entire fanbase and extended my career by years.
M.A: (Can’t disguise his enthusiasm) Who??
A.W: (Dangles the bait and stands back innocently) Mesut Ozil.
M.A.: (in disbelief) Ozil? Ozil?? Are you telling me that I will win the love and trust of the fans if I buy a half hearted, timid, selfish, German prick who uses his technical ability as a scam to fleece football clubs of millions?? A long streak of misery whose arrogant attitude makes Jacob Rees-Mogg seem endearing?
A.W.: (Calling on his best poker face) Yes. But I won’t Kai, players of this ilk are difficult to find. Havertz you any ideas?
M.A: (Totally unaware of this not so subtle subliminal hint) Now that I think about it a name does come to mind! Are you sure this is wise?
A.W: Absolutely, the fans will be delighted… Oh, Mikel?
M.A: Yes?
A.W: Don’t be too hard on yourself. Buying midfielders is harder than many people think. We all make mistakes.
M.A: (Genuinely moved) Thanks Arsene.
A.W: No problem. I understand. I’ve bought some duds myself (winks at Arteta, pulls back his chair and makes to go, leaving Mikel seething).
Edu: (Still on all fours in the corner) B.O.S.S, before you go, any tips for me on who to buy for the defence
A.W: Edu, a team is like a house and it’s defence is it’s foundation. Choose the right materials and your building will be sound.
Edu: (deep in thought) Building material… house… got it. Thanks B.O.S.S..
R.G: OK gentlemen we’ll leave it there for now. Next week we’ll focus on outgoings. (Silence greets this idea). Sales, you know, getting other clubs to buy our players? (the silence deepens, shrugs and blank expressions dominate the room). Players we make a profit on?
J.K: I got this Richard. Next week we’re talking about all the troublemakers we have to get rid of for the sake of the culture of the club.
All: Ohhhhh! (All rise, filtering slowly out of the room. As they go a swirl of comments drift back to where Richard Garlick has remained seated) Them! Bastards! Selling is too good for them. Give them away. Fuck it, pay them to leave… did you see the way that Trossard fella looked at me… Never mind him, that Jorgihno has some mouth on him… oh get them out quick I tell you…
R.G.: (Head in hands) Stan, what did I do to deserve this???
[Satire] is a collection of brilliance from one of our readers Almuniasaynomore, who can be seen lurking in comments often. This section tries to have a laugh at expense of some.
If you feel offended, remember, they’re just jokes. We’re all gonna die soon and there’s no football in hell or heaven, so remember that.
Feedbacks are welcome in the comments!
Best one yet Almunia although I thought it was supposed to be a send up of the club not the minutes of a real meeting.
Almunia-not sure if this is a spoof or you actually found a way to bug the room…spot on and big ups for all your efforts
all I know is if we somehow manage to screw the pooch on both Rice and Caicedo and end up with Havertz as our “big” TW purchase our not-so-dynamic duo should be excommunicated with no questions asked
TRVL
I think we’re going / have gone all in on Rice and are going to dick around on bids. Why didn’t we hear about Liverpool doing this with Mac Allister?
You’ll hear about a club pursuing a player and getting them on the second bid but we seem to do it every other signing. We need to be careful ManU don’t come in and go for both Rice and Mount they’re best mates and playing together could be a major attraction.
Almunia at his satirical best, thanks for the comical truth🙏🥴🙏
Rice stating no preference now City are making their bid. I think he did prefer us to the Chavs and Bar Codes, but City are still next level to us.
Chavs are unloading players to Saudi league who in turn may or may not loan back to Newcastle.
In the meantime we’ve blown a third of our budget on a left field gamble with shocking stats for 3 years.
Sounds about right for an Arsenal TW.👀
A belated thanks for the tips about the ads, I was beginning to wonder if some algorithm knew something that I didn’t.
The Rice saga is boring now isn’t it. It’s almost like the good will be taken out of it now even if we get him. Much more worrying is the price. Personally I had hoped Arsenal would sign him 3 years ago. But not now,not for that money. The whole ” It’s not your money ” argument is one of the weakest possible. Anyone who has supported or just observed Arsenal for any length of time knows that this club,more than any other claiming to be top 6, limits It’s spending to the point where excess on one signing directly impedes the plausibility of the next. Hence as gooners we cringe when we see the price rising for Rice,because we know….there goes Caicedo. Or worse,money spent on Havertz means no Rice at all. To say that we shouldn’t criticise Artedu’s lack in transfer dealings is to admit an ignorance of our depressing transfer record.
Up till now Kroenke has backed them to the hilt and the ability to part Kroenke from his money is undoubtedly Arteta’s greatest strength. He seems to have won the man’s confidence. But I can’t help but feel that this is a once in a generation opportunity for an Arsenal manager to splurge. Watching the money being spent in this manner is difficult. This opportunity may never come again. There’ll be no pleasure to be taken in ‘I told you so’s’ when the golden ticket is lost.
Or you could choose to believe that Arteta is going to be continuously allowed hundreds of millions to spend every window while recouping very little in sales as his approach is constantly rebranded. His capacity to fall out with players and destroy their value is breathtaking. One day a full review of his tenure will be done and I believe he will have cost us a fortune.
To finish,allow me this simple analogy to answer the question, if Arteta is so bad how did Arsenal finish second? Imagine an F1 car that has an average driver. The car finishes in average positions. Then the team owner decides to invest heavily in the car which begins to surpass others in it’s class. It begins to perform better and finish higher but despite unheralded investment can’t win a race. Should you change the owner,the car or the driver?
Marc-clearly we didn’t go all in for Rice or a deal would already be struck…we dithered knowing full-well that there were other big suitors out there waiting for us to do their dirty work…so the questions I have are, is this just an elaborate smokescreen that leads to another underwhelming alternative? are the Manchester clubs just bluffing to make us pay more? and, if both Manchester clubs are truly in for this player, what’s his worth to us knowing that he could be playing on one of our closest competitors?
the bids we’ve made thus far are the kind of offerings that are generally made by a club who knows that the player in question is behind the scenes forcing the deal over the line…from what I seen so far, this clearly isn’t the case, even though he might have stated his preference to his present employer when both Bayern and Chelsea expressed their respective interests
the one wild card in this equation appears to be Moyes love of player swaps, which creates a very interesting situation…for United, Harry and/or McTominay have been suggested, while City has Phillips being floated out there, as a supposed like-for-like replacement, whereas there likewise have been rumours stating that Moyes is a fan of both ESR and Eddie…with this in mind, this could be all part of a “thread the needle” scheme by MA, where he gets Rice and somehow curtails the amount of backlash he would face for offering up ESR…let’s remember MA not only fashions himself to be a crafty fuck, he likewise despises the finger of blame being pointed in his general direction, thus the litany of excuses during his tenure, so this wouldn’t surprise me whatsoever…here’s hoping that Moyes actually favours Eddie more
good analogy Almunia…Cheers
Press to piss
We all noticed Kroenke’s evident retardation. Or w.a.n.k.e.r. For short. Nice one Almunia.
TRVL
Gone all in probably wasn’t the right term maybe putting all our eggs in one basket would have been better.
“The whole ” It’s not your money ” argument is one of the weakest possible.”
Anyone who say’s that (the “its not your money” not the comment on that) is either stupid or hasn’t just forked out a lot of money for a season ticket.
I read an article today which was entitled “Arsenal get helping hand from Brighton in quest to offload RARE Mikel Arteta flop” and I literally almost shit my pants as I was rolling around on the ground laughing…if you really wanted to figure out which media outlets were in bed with Arsenal’s PR division all you would need is one good eye and a grade 3 level understanding of the english language…if this was 20 years ago this would be a fireable offence and this so-called journo would have little to no future options but to find employment with the likes of the National Enquirer
Marc-I certainly wasn’t taking issue with your turn of phrase…trust me, I did agree with your point…as for the whole it’s “not your money” gig, I understand your thought-process, but let’s face it that money will be spent, so I would rather it be spent on readymade talent than 3 or 4 coin tossers
TRVL
I don’t have a problem with spending money its the way we spend it that bothers me. Even worse is the money we manage to lose on letting players go on a free or even paying them to leave.
Marc-you know I’m with you when it comes some of the monetary nonsense that has occurred since Arteta’s arrival on the scene…just imagine who we could have courted, managerial-wise, if it was understood that our absentee landlord would have eaten contracts like fucking hotcakes and still rolled up the Brinks truck year after year…in fact, many within the fanbase got on board with MA’s hiring simply because they weren’t convinced we could lure a top-shelfer to the Emirates so long as Kroenke was in the catbird seat
one minute we’re talking about adding Rice and Caicedo, the next minute we might have neither…if we leave this window without at least one of the 2 our already legendary status as a transfer window joke show will reach unprecedented heights
one has to ask themselves why would Jorginho be so seemingly dead set on staying here, even though it appears he could land a starting gig elsewhere, if we’re actually planning on completely revamping our midfield…looks like MA might of found himself a pint-sized Xhaka replacement…lord help us if we start the year with two Chelsea leftovers in our starting lineup…maybe we should see if Cech would consider giving up his newfound love of hockey and strapping on his leather helmet again
It’s ok lads deja vu has its upside as you can use it as hindsight, right?
Here’s yesterdays convo after City’s bid for Rice:
Mikel says to Rice,
“I want too build a team around you and you drive us to a title.”
Pep says Declan,
“You will play the beautiful game like never before and ride no FLY with this elite team collecting the PL title, and onto another Champion’s League cup win, and eh plus a domestic tin pot, no? With you Declan we will be the new Invincibles – not once, but many times mi elite amigo.”
And Mikel says, “………………. fcuk, how do I follow that?
just think of how much money you could have won if you put a fiver on our first TW acquisition being Havertz…that should tell you something?
it’s like we’re employing our winter window approach in the fucking summer
There’s really no win in this Rice saga for us even if by some misguided fortune we get him, because the pressure on Rice to perform in a new role will be astronomical. If Rice fails to meet Mikel’s expectations, then what? Go stand on the naughty step with ESR?
.
Last summer TW wasn’t it Vlahovic saying no thanks I want Juve? Then we had Mickey Mudflaps saying no thanks I prefer the Chavs and father Todd. Now we have Rice saying I want The Arsenal and now saying he will let the club decide what’s the best deal for the club. I said yesterday that prior to last summer’s TW, Benuida and Guimares didn’t want to play for A&E and I’m sure some we don’t know about.
.
I know Partey is living under speculation, but £17m to Juve? Seriously? Partey is perfect for the Saudi league and we’d get more money. Mind you there’d be some nervous camels if Partey was Saudi bound, although not for long as Partey builds his harem that would make Sid jealous.
.
Seeing as nothing seems to be changing this TW to previous ones where our top targets don’t love us the way MacAlister loved Klopp, and we go for left field punts no-one had the slightest idea about, so, how do we mount a serious challenge this season?
I don’t fully blame A&E, but Josh and co in the boardroom need to shape up because A&E and them collectively are looking like corner-shop numpties at the moment wondering if they can afford the stocks they need, so best buy slow sellers, as they last longer on the shelves, and give zero value for money like Xhaka, Holding and Elneny who will likely still be with us for the coming season.
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Risible where the alternative is finding a cool understanding Gooner Dr who will just quote the definition of madness of doing the same thing over and over expecting different results.
.
By that notion A&E and there board are mad as hatters because junior could negotiate better and does with Mrs T and me putting good arguments forward to support his narrative and agendas.
It makes sense, though, Arteta is tactics challenged and KSE & Edu are TW strategies challenged. If you asked them to think outside the box they would say, “how do you mean?”
Caicedo anyone? That is if he still wants to come to us, we seem to agree terms and then do nothing leaving the player unloved.
.
So underwhelming once again where it’s so easy to let hope slip out of the window and resignation starts to set in, doesn’t it?
Marc
I would imagine your ST is more about meeting mates in the Tolli than the games at the moment. Then drinks on the way home. It’s a way of life for you and Bob, but I get you must think sometimes as the club takes more and gives less is it worth it?
On one of the twitter rants once the news broke by Ornstein that City would bid one person commented:
“Edu is probably signing some underage Brazilian DM nobody knows to replace Rice as we speak.”
Sums up the situation
Tony
The deal with Vlahovic was pretty much driven by his agent as there was never an intent for him to move but the agent used Arsenal to drive up the price that Juve was having to pay for Vlah to Fiorentina.
Mickey Mudflaps was on us as we insulted Shaktar, dilly dallied with the offers plus included add-ons that could never be met. Todd and Co took advantage of that. If this was a good deal we don’t know that yet. Possible Poch could turn him into a player or we dodges a bullet. Yet, it established terrible optics on how the clowns approach a transfer.
For me this summer TW blew any credibility that Edu & Bumteta had with clubs we want to deal with. Will they go to Real and plunk down mega bucks for Tchouaméni instead or pip Chelsea to Caicedo? These are difficult deals to pull of and Mo and Curly the clowns doing the dealings are turning our summer TW into a circus.
Killroy
Thanks for the Vlahovic info, I remember it going on for weeks.
As for the club this TW, one just hopes and wonders of what could have been and then it’s the first game of there new season.
A song that would keep Mikel happy: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WEhS9Y9HYjU
MATHS AND ECONOMICS FRIDAY
If you take out all but two of the zeros in the Rice thing… it’s as if West Ham is some old scrubber with a fag hanging out of her mouth behind the counter of a pound shop, and Arsenal is a desperate, only semi-sober jakey…
(wh) Nah mate. I’m telling you it’s a pahnd. You ain’t getting this fucking fish paste sandwich any cheaper you miserly old cahnt..
(afc) Leave it aht you old schlaag. The fucking corners of the bread are turning up, and the last time I bought one from here it tasted like sharkshit. I’ll give you 90 pence. Come on whaddayasay?
(wh) I could sell this sandwich for much more money to those oily cunts up norf, and ‘cos you’ve been pissing about so long, inflation’s taken hold and we’re now a one pound ten shop. So hand it over or fahkin do one!
(afc) ooh that’s a shame. I ain’t got another 20p cos my American grandad spunked it all on a TV channel about blood sports. And that Brazilian ponce blew all of our savings on a drink-up with coke-fuelled hookers in wetherspoons last night. Do you know what time the 80p shop closes next to the Amex in Brighton?
Question
What is the percentage increase if something you want to pay 90 million for actually costs 110?
Fucking ludicrous. Maybe the analogy would work better with a porno mag rather than a sandwich given West Ham’s owner…
It’s very unlike me but the west ham – arsenal nexus got me thinking. Who have we ever signed directly from wh? Well, no one since at least 87 it would seem. Yossi Benayoun (bless him) was originally a hammer but we got him on loan from Chelsea I think – where else?) Millions of our arsenal players have gone their way. Sone good (Winterburn, Ljungberg, Wrighty) and some not so good (Almunia, Perez and Chamakh) but Rice could (repeat could) be our first incoming signing in recent history. Herb might know, but can anyone remember a recognised senior squad level player coming to us from the Boleyn?
Tony
Very much the case at the moment – too many matches that are a chore to go to but its a habit you indulged in the hope that come mid next season the tide will have turned and Arteta will be on his way out.
Hi Tony
I hear you mate. Contrary to appearances, I’m slowly switching off interest in this farrago. I owe you a reply on the other channel.
Right, the Covenant. I refuse to call it by its full name because it’s a mediocre film and mentioning the director sounds pompous. Also the story wasn’t about GR’s Covenant so a misnoma. I’m also unable to avoid looking at the background geopolitics because of my background.
The good.
It shares it’s focus between the US Sargeant AND the interpreter who is arguably the strongest character. And he gets some funny lines. It also shows what this west-inspired war did to some pockets of the Afghan community.
The bad. It’s a bit like a modern day cowboy flick. Portions of the American population are too thick to see war as anything other than good guys versus bad (cf. Ukraine and the fuck up in the former Yugoslavia). This meant that there was no insight into why the Taliban and other groups were resisting the invasion. They were merely murderous fanatics which is a shallow take. And the bit of irony at the end where Mujahideen (formerly sworn enemies of the US of A) helped him escape the Taliban was not lost on me.
The ugly. No real development of the other US soldiers with the silly names who lost their lives at the ied factory. It was almost as though Ritchie was happy to portray them as cannon fodder.
Not as good as hurt locker. The two distinct stages in the film reminded me of the deer hunter. A good rip roaring tale but not much more.
Rumours going around that Partey’s up for moving to Juve.
What does everyone (especially Bob) thinks he’s worth in the current market? I ask because I’d like to see what the consensus is before I start criticising A&E for giving away another player for a paltry fee and then get accused of having it in for Arteta.
Tony
For £100M – Rice will have his own naughty step.
Another ex AFC player has now achieved his A class coaching badge. He played for Como last year and has an ambition – to out perform his AFC manager whilst managing them.