Return of the Weng?

Deep in the bowels of the Emirates stadium a pale and clearly nervous Edu sits in a deserted office. In his hand is a charm, a rabbit’s foot, and he threads it subconsciously through his fingers. To many it looks like a tawdry, cheap, superstitious trinket. But Edu knows it’s true worth for Xavi had spoken to him of it’s great value and had only reluctantly swapped it for Aubameyang when Edu had also agreed to pay his wages. Edu smiled to himself at what was his greatest coup. Evidently Xavi had swiftly realised his mistake also, his shrieking laughter as he had left the meeting a clear sign of impending insanity.

The familiar tickle of a draught of stale air on his neck rapidly brought his mind back to the present. The slow grinding rumble of stone on stone announced the return of his Lord and Master and Edu was sure that this reunion would not be one of warmth. Instinctively he threw himself to the ground fumbling with his zipper in homage to a managerial God.

Edu: (trembling) My Lord, I am yours to command.

AW: Arise Edu, you may save your grovelling for later, we have much to talk about and my time is short.

Edu: (Anxiously) My Lord? Are you unwell?

AW: Of course not. I have a date with a 23yr old French rapper called Boom Boom in one hour. It’s my intention to find out where she got that name from!

Edu: Master, even now you are identifying young talent.

AW: But of course… Now, to matters at hand. How is my plan unfolding?

Edu: (confused) Your plan, my Lord?

AW: Yes you bumbling Brazilian buffoon. Did you really think I would leave the fate of this club, MY club, in the the unworthy hands of that pedestrian paced Everton reject?

Edu: But my Lord, it has been so long, I…we…didn’t know if you would return to us. When Per told me you were coming back I couldn’t believe it. Nobody has heard of you since your plan for a World Cup every two years.

AW: (Hissing) Of course you haven’t heard from me, you fool! I am FIFA’s chief of global football development. If I come up with more than one idea an year I could lose my job! Have you any idea the effect it could have on the world’s governing body if people start expecting us to produce meaningful policies? Anarchy will await us. What will be next? Accountability? Justifying our salaries and expenses? Oh no my friend, I embraced life in the shadows once more. But worry not. I did not abandon you. My return is inevitable.

Edu: (Hesitantly) But Master, since you were last here…we have been…that is to say…Arteta has been…(whispers)…successful.

(Edu cowers down, expecting a combination of physical and verbal assaults and not knowing which he should fear most. Yet seconds pass and nothing happens. Slowly he removes his arms from his face and straightens up. Arsene Wenger is smiling at him in that way he greets an interviewers question that he has no intention of answering.)

AW: Truly I have left you alone too long my old friend. Tell me what is this success you speak of?

Edu: (Caught off guard) Why, we have…won some games…we are favourites now to…

AW: To…?

Edu: (humbled, like a teenage girl who realises her story cannot match her dramatic demand for the silence in which to deliver it) To…come fourth.

AW: (Cackling) Fourth? That is the great success being delivered by the one who would fill my shoes? ( Beginning to shriek a little) Fourth? The mythical trophy that I invented when my powers were failing? He would try to con me with an illusion of my own making? (Suddenly deadly serious) He is a bigger fool than I thought Edu.

Edu: (Confused) My Lord, I do not understand.

AW: Of course you don’t my friend, this plan I shared with no one. (Tapping the chair beside him) Sit and listen… (Edu does as he is told and almost immediately the room seems to darken as his master begins to weave his tale). Towards the end of my reign my powers, they began to fade. I had carried this club on my back singlehandedly for too long. I knew I needed rest but my enemies were everywhere. Lord Harris with his inane mutterings about standards and that insufferable snake Gazidis, offering support with one hand while wearing watches from sycophantic little pricks on the other! I knew that as long as Stan remained disinterested I could bide my time, replenish my strength. A few more months was all it was going to take for Kallstrom’s back to heal and for Santos to learn the basics of defending. Once Sanogo found his scoring touch we would have been unstoppable as an attacking force. Chambers and Jenkinson would have brought us a decade of defensive stability. All I needed was time!!! (Edu looks up and sees both frustration and madness in his master’s eyes, it is a hypnotic cocktail that endears him to him all the more). But then that little snivelling Daddy’s boy was given the keys to the kingdom (roaring) MY KINGDOM!!! And what does he do? What did that audacious little gobshite do?? He sacks me! Sacks me!! It was then I knew Edu that I would never rest until those Americans lay before me, begging me to return, praying for the day when I would once more lead this club to greatness. And now, at long last, my return beckons.

Edu: (Gingerly) But Master, how? Arteta’s position is growing stronger. If he finishes fourth he will be feted and rewarded with a new contract. His power will increase.

AW: (Smiling, a genuine Arsene Wenger smile) Ah my legendary reserve team captain. Still you do not see. History is our greatest ally, yet those who do not learn from it are doomed to repeat it. Think. If Arteta qualifies for the champions league next year, demands and expectations will rise. Scuttering home wins against Norwich and Watford will no longer sate the appetites of a fanbase whose desire for glory has been reawakened. No one knows this more than me. The greater the success I brought to this club the more magnified the failings became.

Edu: So, in coming fourth, he is in fact digging his own grave?

AW: Indeed. But he is clever. I believe he realised his mistake a few weeks back and began throwing games against Palace, Brighton and Southampton with a series of seemingly unfathomable selection and tactical decisions. He was determined to finish outside the top 4 but in qualifying for Europe he knew that enough of the fanbase would still see his work as ‘progress’. He would have succeeded in his perpetual lowering of standards and painfully slow series of improvements.

Edu: But Master, I still don’t see how you fit into all of this.

AW: Quite simple really, I pressed the fast forward button. Who do you think warned Chelsea and Manchester United that Arteta might be replaced if they didn’t throw those games?? Without him at the helm Arsenal could become a force in English football again. It was a risk they weren’t willing to take.

Edu:(Stunned): That’s genius…but, what about West Ham?

AW: Ah yes, well, when I told Moyes about my desire to…educate…Arteta, he was only too glad to help. Still felt a bit guilty over selling me the plastic Iniesta in the first place.

Edu: But what about the remaining games? How can you be sure he won’t deliberately fuck it up?

AW: There are no guarantees in football my deal making dunce but let me just say that my friends at PSG have empowered me to make a certain Mr Conte an offer he can’t refuse…if Spurs were to fall short of fourth of course!

Edu: My Lord, your wisdom is beyond reproach. Please know that I am yours to do as you will. I remain influential in transfers. Perhaps you would have orders for me in this area?

AW: No, my friend, I only ask that you continue to operate as normal…that should be more than enough until I return (begins to laugh, quietly at first, then louder as he exits through a hidden panel. Manic laughter can still be heard minutes later despite the distance and thick walls between them).

Edu: Well, so be it. But when I seal this deal for Mitrovic for 75million he better not come crying to me…(Throws the rabbits foot up in the air and grimaces in pain when, having failed to catch it, it strikes him in the eye. Exit.)

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[Satire] is a collection of brilliance from one of our readers Almuniasaynomore, who can be seen lurking in comments often. If you are a gooner by heart, is saddened by the current state of Arsenal Football Club, this section tries to have a laugh at expense of some.

If you feel offended, remember, they’re just jokes. We’re all gonna die soon and there’s no football in hell or heaven, so remember that.

Feedbacks are welcome in the comments!