In their behind the scenes documentary “All or Nothing”, Amazon’s film crew were given unprecedented access to the daily running of Arsenal football club. Many fans are anticipating insight into the controversies that have regularly occurred throughout the season, not to mention the opportunity to assess for themselves the dynamics of the relationships that exist at this giant of English football. As this exclusive footage reveals however, it was not in the halls of the Emirates, nor on the training fields of Colney that the series truly catches fire. Instead it was a routine visit to a local hospital that provided the documentary makers with some genuinely jaw dropping footage.
Presenter Catherine Whitaker is seen leading a group of people through the main door of a London hospital. Attempting to look casual in jeans and white blouse, she remains far too attractive to be considered ‘dressed down’. As we see the figures disappear in through the door, the camera remains outside and Whitaker’s voice begins to narrate the following introduction.
We had been at Arsenal for the past nine months and we were happy with the series to date. Although there had been the usual arguments surrounding content, we felt we had some interesting footage gathered, enough to generate a lot of interest. But we had no idea what lay around the corner. Due to Covid it had become standard practice that the entire production team would be tested once a week at a local hospital, we were, after all, working with elite athletes. However, that day, well, that day changed everything.
At this point the scene changes and we are now inside the hospital with Catherine and her crew. Catherine is looking through a small glass panel on a door and turns to the camera with an animated look on her face. On the door is a white sign with black lettering spelling out PTSD UNIT. Beckoning the cameraman to follow her Whitaker enters the room to a chaotic scene. Dozens of grown men and women, some in Arsenal shirts, but most in black sweaters or thin black zip up fleeces are wildly gesticulating to no one in particular, leaping up and down and engaging in short sprints of 4 or 5 yards while screaming and pointing at some imaginary figure in the distance. Imagine, if you can, a group of people trying to learn sign language while simultaneously having an epileptic fit. A man in a white coat approaches Whitaker and we, the audience, are privy to their conversation.
CW: Doctor, Catherine Whitaker here, we are currently producing a documentary on Arsenal. Could you please enlighten myself and my viewers as to what is happening here?
Dr: (Clearly uncomfortable but resigned to being truthful in front of the camera). Well, many of the people you see before you are suffering from a new but deeply disturbing phenomenon PTSD. It’s a relatively new condition that has, unfortunately, begun to spread rapidly in the last few weeks.
CW: But doctor, PTSD was identified decades ago.
Dr: Ah yes, but this is a more virulent modern form, Premature Tet’s Success Declaration. It’s affecting Arsenal fans who not only believed that Mikel Arteta was the second coming of Christ, but actively celebrated Arsenal’s temporary stay in 4th as proof of their faith. Needless to say the last few weeks have hit them hard.
CW: That sounds awful. What exactly are the symptoms?
Dr: It’s difficult to say, it seems to affect them in different ways. Some, as you can see, have morphed into their own version of Arteta (gestures with his hand to the room’s inhabitants who continue to frantically communicate unintelligible messages to nobody at all). Others are in denial, you will hear them muttering ‘I was right, I was right’, for no apparent reason.
CW: Dear God, it sounds terrible.
Dr: This (waving at the room) is only the tip of the iceberg I’m afraid. Some of the side effects are quite severe. The treatments required are complex. Total re-education is required for some of these poor souls. Follow me. [He leads Whitaker into another room where several figures in black are sitting at desks staring blankly as an exasperated looking doctor tries to communicate with them]. Here we see the effects of PTSD on the mathematical abilities of those affected.
Dr no. 2: So if Liverpool scored 87 goals and Arsenal scored 57 goals which team scored the most goals?
Patient no. 1: Arsenal.
Dr no. 2: (patiently yet clearly frustrated) How did you work that out?
Patient no. 1: Because while Salah and Mane were at AFCON, Liverpool played 2 league games in January scoring 4 goals. During that month Arsenal scored 6 league goals in 4 matches. 6 is more than 4.
(Whitaker looks at the camera, mouth ajar).
Dr no. 2: OK, let’s try another. If man city have 74 points and Arsenal have 54, who is having the best league season?
Patient no 2: Arsenal.
Dr no. 2: (muttering) Dear God. Why?
Patient no 2: Because if you start the season at the beginning of February and exclude games where Arsenal didn’t win, you’ll find that Arsenal were averaging 3 points a game. That’s title form.
Dr: (Whispering) As you can see their mental arithmetic defies all mathematical rules. It gets worse. Follow me.
[They enter a room where two patients are staring at freshly painted walls. They are clearly in a state of unbridled joy]
Patient 1: Unbelievable
Patient 2: Stunning, I can see it solidifying before my very eyes.
Patient 1: It just doesn’t get any better than this does it? Speaking of watching paint dry, when are Arsenal playing?
Patient 2: Dunno, but if it’s half as good as this….
Dr: (Sadly) Poor souls, lost all ability to recognise entertainment. Virtually braindead.
CW: But Dr, this is shocking. What can be done?
Dr: As I’ve said, a lot of the treatment is experimental. We are having small breakthroughs in here (He leads her into a room where several patients are gathered around a TV screen. Clips of the 71 double winners, Anfield 89, lge triumphs of 91,98,02 and the Invincibles are playing on loop). Here we are trying to jog their memories through visual stimulation. Many of these patients suffer from collective amnesia. They have been indoctrinated into believing that Arteta is managing a mid table team whose objectives should centre around simply being in contention for a place in minor European competitions. Now and again we succeed in reminding one of them that Arsenal is a footballing giant whose fans pay top money and deserve much more.
(Just at that moment Michael Thomas scores the legendary winner at Anfield and one Patient stands up holding his head in his hands)
Patient: I remember that! I was there! We are the Arsenal!! We should be demanding more!!
CW: (hand over her mouth) Oh my God, that’s amazing.
Dr: Not so quick, this moment is always bittersweet. (As the standing Patient turns to leave he is showered with abuse by the others)
Patients: Entitled prick! Bedwetter!! You’re only an Internet fan!!! Fuck off you Spud!!!!
CW: That’s horrible!
Dr: You must try to understand, they cannot separate themselves from Arteta, their connection is too strong. An insult against him is an insult against them. See this one over here? Claimed that Barcelona are a joke because they took Aubameyang while simultaneously praising Arteta for playing a soon to be out of contract Eddie Nketiah.
CW: Their minds are broken.
Dr: Indeed. Now if you don’t mind I must get back to my work.
CW: Dr, is there any hope?
Dr: For some, my dear, for some…….
You can watch this episode and many more on Amazon prime after the completion of the season.
Alternatively send Mb 20 quid and he’ll forward you an advanced copy.
Disclaimer: Mb will only forward advanced copies if he has them…
[Satire] is a collection of brilliance from one of our readers Almuniasaynomore, who can be seen lurking in comments often. If you are a gooner by heart, is saddened by the current state of Arsenal Football Club, this section tries to have a laugh at expense of some.
If you feel offended, remember, they’re just jokes. We’re all gonna die soon and there’s no football in hell or heaven, so remember that.
Feedbacks are welcome in the comments!
I got introduced to the word ‘Whitaker’ again through this article.
There was a song in one of the episodes of SUITS in the credits- from whitaker artist.
https://youtu.be/-EmXg0pOIHY
In case anyone prefers some recent music, though I was young and preferred slow depressing music at that time 😅
“What do you think? Is cheering for utd tonight blasphemy??”
I’m afraid it’s a yes from me too.
No bother lads,I’ll hope for a diplomatic draw so. I wouldn’t trust chelski (fa) or Villarreal and city/ madrid(Cl) to stop them. And city to win all their remaining lge games? I’d have my doubts. It would be hell on earth over here if they did it,I can’t emphasise that enough!
Hi Ambarish
While on the subject of musical whittakers, check out this boring old git from the 70s whose party piece was whistling – yes, really.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=GTJq72iV-VA
This passed as TV entertainment at the time and I think my granny had some of his records. Grim times back then. And Arsenal were shite in that decade til they discovered a magical group of Irish players.
Kroenke
Not sure the club will announce new contract’s when we could easily be on a run of 2 points from 6 matches in a week or so on top of that we’re also only just over a month away from season ticket renewals.
The Kroenke’s may be clueless on football but they understand the bottom line.
Mb,
You must have been going through your ‘blue’ period. My daughter loved it, she’s humming it away here behind me,but I’m going to move it up a gear,need to get something with a beat before I collapse on the couch for another afternoon of snooker, God bless the Easter holidays!
Any of you guys know the story behind the lyrics to this one? Answers on a fiver pls.
https://youtu.be/4O7qwQlORlM
Marc,
Club are waiting for Putin to make his next move then casually announce the extensions on the same day. Textbook stuff.
Almunia
Wouldn’t surprise me in the slightest. I just hope they have the sense to put a clause in Arteta’s contract that limits a payout to the remainder of that season not the full contract length.
Marc,
Arteta wouldn’t accept that, he believes the hype around himself I think. Anyway we’ll never be told just what pay off he gets cos the Kroenkes won’t want to admit they got it badly wrong even when they are forced to sack him. This club rewrites history daily. Now we’re being fed the line that Mustafi wasn’t offered a new contract because the youth project narrative is undermined by that foolishness. It’s only a matter of time before Arteta is distanced from the Willian signing.
Almunia
I agree the level of propaganda is unbelievable. The simple truth is support of Arteta has become like a cult. Those that believe can’t see anything beyond him and those that don’t just can’t understand how people can be so gullible and stupid. After all the money spent last summer on the defence if we lose 2 nil tomorrow we’ll have conceded the same number of goals as the whole of last season.
And another excuse will follow.
Almunia
I kind of cheated and read the comments under that Sultans of Ping clip (for which many thanks – great tune). I loved the player in question: hugely skillful, great dribbler and crosser and I seem to recall he had a good record at taking pens. And that team he played for were simply irresistible to coin a Robert Palmer-inspired phrase. It’s great to hear everyone’s clips – my tongue was firmly in cheek with that Roger Whitaker thing though – honest!
Marc – you’re right but the Kroenkes are so tin earred, you could almost imagine it. I hate to sound like a drama queen dahlings, but I’d have to at least consider suspending my support for Arsenal if he gets an extension. I bet his uptight Spanish sphincter is twitching like a pair of castanets at the moment. Ole!
Marc,
I don’t know enough about other clubs but I can’t remember off the top of my head any other club ( or fanbase) that have defended an underperforming manager with such passion. Even Leicester sacked Ranieri the very next season. If he was at Arsenal he’d have had a job for life. Its a really odd phenomenon at this club.
Actually forgot to mention the forest film on Netflix the other day when we were talking about footie documentaries, dare to dream,I think it’s called,thoroughly enjoyable. The lead singer of sultans of ping is a big forest fan. I miss forest among the elite, they always played attractive football.
You don’t mean that film that came out a few years back called, ‘I believe in miracles’ do you? It was superb. Last time I was in Nottingham City centre, I came across that statue of Clough. It made me a little emotional to think back to the late 70s when I was a football mad kid at the other end of the east Midlands and that Forest team were the Kings of Europe.
That’s the one. Don’t ask me where I got the other title from. Research was never my thing. I think,outside of Arsenal, that forest team were amongst my favourite other English teams along with Kendall’s Everton and Keegan’s Newcastle. Thought the film captured him well, ‘The Damned Utd’ novel was actually on the curriculum over here for a while. Very different from the film, portrayed Clough as a very dark and troubled man.
Clough did have his pecadilloes it has to be said. There was a documentary broadcast here saying that he went into the Forest ticket office and simply picked up a huge wedge of tickets for their League Cup final with Manure. To cut a long story short, he passed the tickets off for cash and they eventually ended up with touts who sold them to… you’ve guessed it, Manure supporters. Apparently the Forest end was like a battle zone on the day. Forest – tick. Kendall’s Everton – tick. But Keegan and the bar codes? Non merci.
Shilton, Frank Clarke, Larry Lloyd, Kenny Burns, Bowyer, Gemmill, McGovern, Birtles, Francis and good old John Robertson. A team far greater than the sum of its parts. Plus Old Big ‘Ead and Peter Taylor who had a very bizarre friendship to boot.
The book has a similar tale of tickets being sold for an fa cup replay,they were using big plastic bins to put the cash in. Clough was there on the day but when the money men came to start the counting he was gone. And one of the bins was missing…..
Still think the story Dean Saunders tells about Clough signing him is one of the funniest I’ve ever heard.
Here it is for anyone with 7/8 mins to spare,worth your while.
https://youtu.be/CWzKXcsYju0
I remember Wales’s answer to Richard Gere, Dean Saunders, scored a beautiful volley from a
throw-in against us at Highbury in the last few weeks of the 88/89 season. They beat us (2-3) and I had a growing sense that day that the title was not to be. Very glad I was proven wrong. I’ll have a look at your clip later. DS is/was a pretty lively guy with a chequered past.
I’m digressing a little but just got my tickets for the Cardiff game up at Bramall Lane on Saturday. Third time I’ve seen the blades play this season. New ground to tick off my list and I know they give it a proper go up there. Should be fun, esp if I can have a few pre-match pints in Sheffield watching us beat Manure beforehand. 🙏
Kroenkaphobe
That was brilliant the African Whittaker. I have been a bit late to the English music and movies but my dad had some collections when he was working in UK in 90s. Unfortunately it was all the VCRs and ultimately worn out.
Almunia, hope you had a nice one, Sun must be out there.
https://youtu.be/f1VEn8JGTjY
All a bit hazy (give me a break, I’m nearly 60) but here’s that Derby game and the lowlights. Some mullet on Saunders back then. I felt physically sick by the end of the game.
My manager in Lloyds, from New Castle, was a die hard Forest fan, not missing even the away games. Luckily, in ’19 in FA cup we were to play Forest at home and I managed to get a ticket, so does he.
Heard it all on the way to Emirates how they gonna smash us and how they have been a bigger club historically. We won 5-0. My manager hated me for next few years 🤣
Hi Ambarish
That win was sandwiched between two terrible fa cup defeats though iirc. Still it must’ve been sweet sticking it to the boss. I think it might have been Carabao, but don’t take my word for it. I’m even worse than Almunia when it comes to empirical research! What’s your take on all this bollox about management consultants and club values?
That was a tough watch, pretty sure I wrote us off then myself, presumed we were done. Tony was capable of some real brain farts wasn’t he? Wouldn’t have swapped him though.
Sheffield utd need those 3 points Sat, should be a cracking atmosphere up there,enjoy.
Was Shilton England’s finest post Banks? I can’t think of anyone better.
This could end up with Liverpool winning by 4, 5 or worse. The argument is used that Arsenal are still in contention for top 4 – that’s embarrassing with the way ManU and the Spud’s (both teams having changed manager mid season) have performed we should be 10 plus points clear of them. If West Ham were more consistent or if Leicester had not had a really poor season top 4 would be out of site.
I was just thinking the same thing Marc but in a slightly different way. There’s utd,3 points off a CL place and they are without doubt in my opinion (and Gary Nevilles cos he just said it) the worst utd team in over 40 years. Yet,not one utd fan is hoping that Ragnick is manager next year. Not one utd fan sees solace in the table. Yet the table is being waved in our faces as if we’re fucking blind.Phrases like ‘touching distance’ or ‘visible progress’ are being thrown at us as if we don’t understand. Semantics being used by people who think they’re the cleverest pricks in the room. It’s condescending, insulting,infuriating and un fucking acceptable.
Almunia
A Utd team that beat us with a caretaker manager earlier in the season and who have a reasonable chance of leaving the Emirates with a point on Saturday.
If Arteta can’t figure out a way to put that utd team to the sword he should resign in shame,they are appalling and have been for a very long time now.
Ah yes it was carabao, I would have never got tickets for FA cup on a red membership.
Imo, this consultant thing is just a smoke screen for Amazon documentary and our failures.
Mb,
I think a lot of people are coming to that conclusion, the documentary is forcing them to be seen to be doing something. The whole thing is cosmetic and will be buried in a few months.
If we still qualify for Champions League, non of this will matter.
—
Liverpool is way ahead of United and even us. As much as I hate them bin dippers, I admire Klopp. His brand of football better than Pep’s in my opinion (minus the coffee performance enhancement report).
The documentary could very well be worse than embarrassing. The consultant thing sounds very much like rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic.
I just wish someone would throw Arteta overboard.
As bad as utd are I’m looking at sancho here and I dread seeing him up against cedric on Saturday. You just know bruno will be given the space that pool are denying him. Can’t think of a young player as highly rated as Rashford who dropped off a cliff so dramatically. Between him and Greenwood utd must feel like they’ve had their future ripped from them in the space of half a season.
“What do you think? Is cheering for utd tonight blasphemy??”
Honestly, my take is different. I will gladly cheer for any team except Sp*rs when they play Pool. Hate them because of their supporters arrogance. I would rather take relegation for our club than a quadruple for pool. Actually thinking about it, if someone offered me no cups or league for pool but relegation for us, I think I will settle for that knowing that it may possible also rid us of our current owners and start a new era, But that’s just only my view guys.
Retire
LOL. One thing I simply never want to see happen, under any convoluted circumstances – even were we to win the CL in the same season – would be Arsenal’s relegation. A bridge too far. Our longevity in the top flight, and the fact that we’re the only modern invincibles (sorry Preston) are the two sacred cows that I cling to every season as being uniquely ours. The invincible record could be matched by MC or the bindips at the rate they’re going but for now it’s a thing I cling to dearly.
Turning to tonight, my cup hardly runneth over with optimism. I’m really not buying the we’re – so – shit – right – now – we – might – just – sneak – it – narrative. Or the properly insane Arteta-lovers belief that it’s all bad luck what’s just happened and we’re due a change. Michael Owen level football analysis.
Retire
This issue is an old chestnut but it sounds as though you have LFC second in your list of hated clubs behind the spuds. For me it’ll always be Manure in second spot. In fact, to stop me thinking about tonight, I might have a go at a PL, European club and International top 5 most hated clubs.
On second thoughts scratch that idea. I wouldn’t want too much controversy about international teams today because I’m full of the joys of spring! Although I have to say Portugal always wind me up when I see them play, and England are always let down by their fans. By the way, I’m pretty certain I have tickets for the WC decider between Wales and either Scotland or Ukraine. Will be a huge night.
Retire/Kroenkephobe,
It’s that English v International fan thing. Many English Arsenal fans are in London(obviously) and are surrounded by Spurs fans who would make life a misery for them any chance they get.
There are more sober builders than spurs fans over here,they’re a non entity to me. The rival fan is not based on location. It’s a bit ridiculous when you see Irish Liverpool fans pretending that they hate Everton,or utd fans in the pre Sheik days suggesting that the City game mattered more to them than any other.
For me,the most despicable are utd,Liverpool,chelski. Spurs are only fourth and even then it’s by some distance!
Kroenke,
If its Wales v Scotland that will be incredible. The last playoff between them was a turning point in Arsenal’s history,with the whole Stein,Ferguson, Graham saga. I’d imagine the atmosphere will be a real throwback, soak it up and enjoy. Lansdowne Road hasn’t been the same since it was redeveloped but then again we haven’t had too many big nights recently.
Almunia
I vaguely remember a game in the late 70s when Joe Jordan fisted one in from a corner and broke Cambrian hearts. A forerunner to Diego’s hand of God. I’m going to go fully balls-in on this one and spend the day in Cardiff City Centre pre-match mingling with the boyos and the tartan army. I know I live in Wales but Scotland is my favourite international team thanks to spending my formative years in an English town (Corby) that was ethnically majority Scottish. I’ll post any interesting observations on here if I can stay sober enough. I’m nearly 58 and finally getting interested in international footie!
I saw Ireland play a friendly (against Russia I think) at the old Lansdowne Road in about 2001. Nothing at stake but there was a great atmosphere. We were on that big terrace at the southern (?) end. It would be top to see another WC where Ireland and the UK’s constituent parts all made it to the final. As long as it wasn’t somewhere like Qatar…