In their behind the scenes documentary “All or Nothing”, Amazon’s film crew were given unprecedented access to the daily running of Arsenal football club. Many fans are anticipating insight into the controversies that have regularly occurred throughout the season, not to mention the opportunity to assess for themselves the dynamics of the relationships that exist at this giant of English football. As this exclusive footage reveals however, it was not in the halls of the Emirates, nor on the training fields of Colney that the series truly catches fire. Instead it was a routine visit to a local hospital that provided the documentary makers with some genuinely jaw dropping footage.
Presenter Catherine Whitaker is seen leading a group of people through the main door of a London hospital. Attempting to look casual in jeans and white blouse, she remains far too attractive to be considered ‘dressed down’. As we see the figures disappear in through the door, the camera remains outside and Whitaker’s voice begins to narrate the following introduction.
We had been at Arsenal for the past nine months and we were happy with the series to date. Although there had been the usual arguments surrounding content, we felt we had some interesting footage gathered, enough to generate a lot of interest. But we had no idea what lay around the corner. Due to Covid it had become standard practice that the entire production team would be tested once a week at a local hospital, we were, after all, working with elite athletes. However, that day, well, that day changed everything.
At this point the scene changes and we are now inside the hospital with Catherine and her crew. Catherine is looking through a small glass panel on a door and turns to the camera with an animated look on her face. On the door is a white sign with black lettering spelling out PTSD UNIT. Beckoning the cameraman to follow her Whitaker enters the room to a chaotic scene. Dozens of grown men and women, some in Arsenal shirts, but most in black sweaters or thin black zip up fleeces are wildly gesticulating to no one in particular, leaping up and down and engaging in short sprints of 4 or 5 yards while screaming and pointing at some imaginary figure in the distance. Imagine, if you can, a group of people trying to learn sign language while simultaneously having an epileptic fit. A man in a white coat approaches Whitaker and we, the audience, are privy to their conversation.
CW: Doctor, Catherine Whitaker here, we are currently producing a documentary on Arsenal. Could you please enlighten myself and my viewers as to what is happening here?
Dr: (Clearly uncomfortable but resigned to being truthful in front of the camera). Well, many of the people you see before you are suffering from a new but deeply disturbing phenomenon PTSD. It’s a relatively new condition that has, unfortunately, begun to spread rapidly in the last few weeks.
CW: But doctor, PTSD was identified decades ago.
Dr: Ah yes, but this is a more virulent modern form, Premature Tet’s Success Declaration. It’s affecting Arsenal fans who not only believed that Mikel Arteta was the second coming of Christ, but actively celebrated Arsenal’s temporary stay in 4th as proof of their faith. Needless to say the last few weeks have hit them hard.
CW: That sounds awful. What exactly are the symptoms?
Dr: It’s difficult to say, it seems to affect them in different ways. Some, as you can see, have morphed into their own version of Arteta (gestures with his hand to the room’s inhabitants who continue to frantically communicate unintelligible messages to nobody at all). Others are in denial, you will hear them muttering ‘I was right, I was right’, for no apparent reason.
CW: Dear God, it sounds terrible.
Dr: This (waving at the room) is only the tip of the iceberg I’m afraid. Some of the side effects are quite severe. The treatments required are complex. Total re-education is required for some of these poor souls. Follow me. [He leads Whitaker into another room where several figures in black are sitting at desks staring blankly as an exasperated looking doctor tries to communicate with them]. Here we see the effects of PTSD on the mathematical abilities of those affected.
Dr no. 2: So if Liverpool scored 87 goals and Arsenal scored 57 goals which team scored the most goals?
Patient no. 1: Arsenal.
Dr no. 2: (patiently yet clearly frustrated) How did you work that out?
Patient no. 1: Because while Salah and Mane were at AFCON, Liverpool played 2 league games in January scoring 4 goals. During that month Arsenal scored 6 league goals in 4 matches. 6 is more than 4.
(Whitaker looks at the camera, mouth ajar).
Dr no. 2: OK, let’s try another. If man city have 74 points and Arsenal have 54, who is having the best league season?
Patient no 2: Arsenal.
Dr no. 2: (muttering) Dear God. Why?
Patient no 2: Because if you start the season at the beginning of February and exclude games where Arsenal didn’t win, you’ll find that Arsenal were averaging 3 points a game. That’s title form.
Dr: (Whispering) As you can see their mental arithmetic defies all mathematical rules. It gets worse. Follow me.
[They enter a room where two patients are staring at freshly painted walls. They are clearly in a state of unbridled joy]
Patient 1: Unbelievable
Patient 2: Stunning, I can see it solidifying before my very eyes.
Patient 1: It just doesn’t get any better than this does it? Speaking of watching paint dry, when are Arsenal playing?
Patient 2: Dunno, but if it’s half as good as this….
Dr: (Sadly) Poor souls, lost all ability to recognise entertainment. Virtually braindead.
CW: But Dr, this is shocking. What can be done?
Dr: As I’ve said, a lot of the treatment is experimental. We are having small breakthroughs in here (He leads her into a room where several patients are gathered around a TV screen. Clips of the 71 double winners, Anfield 89, lge triumphs of 91,98,02 and the Invincibles are playing on loop). Here we are trying to jog their memories through visual stimulation. Many of these patients suffer from collective amnesia. They have been indoctrinated into believing that Arteta is managing a mid table team whose objectives should centre around simply being in contention for a place in minor European competitions. Now and again we succeed in reminding one of them that Arsenal is a footballing giant whose fans pay top money and deserve much more.
(Just at that moment Michael Thomas scores the legendary winner at Anfield and one Patient stands up holding his head in his hands)
Patient: I remember that! I was there! We are the Arsenal!! We should be demanding more!!
CW: (hand over her mouth) Oh my God, that’s amazing.
Dr: Not so quick, this moment is always bittersweet. (As the standing Patient turns to leave he is showered with abuse by the others)
Patients: Entitled prick! Bedwetter!! You’re only an Internet fan!!! Fuck off you Spud!!!!
CW: That’s horrible!
Dr: You must try to understand, they cannot separate themselves from Arteta, their connection is too strong. An insult against him is an insult against them. See this one over here? Claimed that Barcelona are a joke because they took Aubameyang while simultaneously praising Arteta for playing a soon to be out of contract Eddie Nketiah.
CW: Their minds are broken.
Dr: Indeed. Now if you don’t mind I must get back to my work.
CW: Dr, is there any hope?
Dr: For some, my dear, for some…….
You can watch this episode and many more on Amazon prime after the completion of the season.
Alternatively send Mb 20 quid and he’ll forward you an advanced copy.
Disclaimer: Mb will only forward advanced copies if he has them…
[Satire] is a collection of brilliance from one of our readers Almuniasaynomore, who can be seen lurking in comments often. If you are a gooner by heart, is saddened by the current state of Arsenal Football Club, this section tries to have a laugh at expense of some.
If you feel offended, remember, they’re just jokes. We’re all gonna die soon and there’s no football in hell or heaven, so remember that.
Feedbacks are welcome in the comments!
I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.
Feck it Marc,go with the laughter,if we take it too seriously we’ll end up in there with them!
Yup, football brings some joy in otherwise pathetic world. We can be all critical of the regime and have a laugh. It’s impossible not to, if it’s an Almuniasaynomore write up.
I believe till Brighton game, fans in the stadium were sad for the easy games we lost. Some of them leaving before full time was a sign of anger. Things don’t go well both of them are mixed.
I seriously hope Arteta proves me wrong, we all want to see us competing against the bests. I just don’t see it happening!
Marc
It’s at times like this that I loathe the club for being infiltrated and run by the most abject arseholes. As fans, we absolutely have licence to feel that despite what the Artetwats say. From our merkin-wearing owner, via Edu and Tets, all the way down to the hordes of yes-men on the bench, there are sone significantly shite people working for the club. It’s risible how badly we are run given we’re one of the richest clubs in the world. So the only option is to laugh at them. I no longer contribute cash to the club (thank fuck) so I’m just enjoying watching the basque bantamweight completely screw his reputation and future. Everton and beyond!
Arteta to manage Everton sometime in the future…not a bad call Kroenkephobe. Lampard,followed by Rooney,followed by Arteta. Oh to be a toffee. My anger has almost subsided now,all that remains is Stamford Bridge on Wednesday and the whole cycle to begin again.Did Einstein compose his definition of insanity after meeting an Arsenal fan?
Arteta = Toffee just as PV = Gooner. I’m trying to cast my mind back to the interregnum between UE and MA. You know that awful period when it seemed the club’s echelons had decided to leave it to Freddie and it already seemed as though the players had decided FL’s face didn’t fit (with the possible exception of the young uns). We had a Stewart Houston-esque new manager bounce, ie. none at all.
I’m pretty sure I was distinctly ‘meh’ bordering on wtf about Arteta and was hoping against hope for Allegri or Ancellotti. I never really had a strong vibe about him as a player either – he was the GX in our team at the time. I think he’s nailed on at soon-to-be relegated Goodison either before or after a stint at his other alma mater, Ibrox. It’d be another stupid move though – Tets would be equally hopeless at getting a team promoted from the championship. I don’t think he inspires anyone except the usual glue-sniffing suspects on le grove and the dipsticks editing ‘Unsold Anusol’.
Watching a soupcon of snooker this evening. Is it just me or is Scott Donaldson a dead ringer for Pete Shelley of the Buzzcocks in his pomp?
It was the Gazidis watch story killed me but I distinctly remember being disgusted when Wenger bought him,but I was underwhelmed by a lot of things Wenger was doing back then. Still, I’m probably best not to keep thinking about him too much,not good for the soul. Might take a stroll down memory lane instead,not the Stewart Houston type stroll though!
This is therapeutic to come here after being infuriated by some clueless Arteta Fan Boys on the “other” blog.
Thanks for making my day and rather then these priceless creations being buried they are excellently formatted, readily available and will bring joy to true Arsenal supporters.
On the subject of “All or Nothing” watched the 6 episode version of “New Zealand All Blacks”. Rugby has been my go to sport until THE Arsenal will rise again.
Killjoy,
Any chance you watch the snooker? Myself and Kroenkephobe are both survivors of the 80’s boom that saw the game explode onto TV screens everywhere. Unfortunately if you didn’t see it then it’s a hard sell now!. You probably would’ve had to live in the UK or Ireland, it didn’t seem to grow elsewhere.
Don’t worry about the antagonists,they are everywhere as I’m sure you know, I have enjoyed reading your takes on Arsenal recently and not just because I agree with them. Le Grove has always had brilliant posters( on both sides), it’s just got a little personal there for now.
That should be killroy, autocorrect, apologies.
For a minute I thought you copied Nigel Fu**All who introduced this. I was in North London between 1996 and 2008 now living in the US. For me it is a matter of what is available as a streaming service. Subscribe to ESPN+ for FA Cups, Bundesliga and La Liga plus Paramount+ for Serie A and all the European competitions in addition I have peacock for the EPL and the European Rugby competitions. That is the reason why I like the Rugby competitions as it dulls the hurt for the time being and is easily available online.
Finally I am on a P2P Tasman tracker where all the Rugby matches I want are being posted. Just a matter of what is available on the net for me at a reasonable price until THE Arsenal will rise again.
Almunia.
Don’t know if you noticed this but may be a perfect topic for your next satirical masterpiece.
“The Arsenal Way”, is happening behind the scenes and being led by senior figures at the Emirates, including technical director Edu.
Killroy,
I knew that about your name,I grimaced when I saw my reply to you! I had 2 sisters living in New York during the 90’s but American sports were so dominant I never saw a football game anytime I was over. Always wondered how difficult it would be to follow a club while in the States. We’re held hostage by the tv companies here in Ireland too though I’ve a wonderful ‘magic ‘ stick that has given me access to all the channels, for now anyway. Totally illegal of course. Rugby seems to be growing everywhere,it has grown as a watchable sport in the last 20 yrs but its way behind football and GAA over here, still a bit of a class stigma with it. But,yeah,whatever it takes to take the mind off another Arsenal collapse.
Killroy,
I’m already on it!!
Almunia
If you want a pleasant and nostalgic trip down caretaker manager crescent, look no farther than Pat Rice. A true legend whose interim record was the stuff of dreams. He must’ve had the patience of a Saint too – all those touchline hours sitting next to chihuahua head in his last few years putting up with his tantrums and bullshit.
Killroy
Respect mate for fighting the good fight over on the darkside (from where I was banned for daring to suggest Pravda Pedro was overseeing a cultish echo chamber) . I read your stuff – it’s forensic and spot on. Fair to say it’s a little more irreverent, truthful and therefore interesting over here.
Almunia
Can you watch live 3pm kick offs with that little gizmo? It’s almost impossible here in the UK so I generally try to be out watching either Cardiff or my local semi-pro boys.
Almunia-must be getting close-ish to the GAA squeaky bum time.
I’m gonna sound like a massive fucking heretic but I watched the spuds documentary a few weeks ago. The players and Levy are absolute twats, every man jack of them. But I found myself disliking The Portugeezer a little less afterwards because of his honesty and the fact that he evidently knows/knew how to sometimes get a tune out of said twats. But I started hating him again for not buying Xhaka last summer…
Almunia,
I was raised in Germany so never got into the American sports and all my friends from Europe over here come to me for advise where to get their sports fix as it is limited unless you are into the big 3 NFL, MLB & NBA.
For all the Rugby in the world it is Stan Sport in Australia plus they also have all the European “soccer” competitions, tennis in addition to the latest movie and TV shows. I have toyed around with the idea of subscribing because it is very cost effective $20 (Australian) for the basic package up to $30 (Australian) for 4K broadcast & Multiple devices add to that your VPN and you are set.
All you need is an Australian address as they will accept foreign credit cards. Set up an account and try the 7 day free trial. Herd nothing but praise among the Rugby fans.
https://www.stan.com.au/sport
Almunia
I lived in DC for 5 years (02-07) and watched more Arsenal games on TV than possibly anywhere else I’ve lived. Early mornings in my basement den with dog shouting like a bastard while the ever-suffering Ms K’phobe and the babies were asleep upstairs. The midweek evening games were also an afternoon doddle (remember when we used to be in the CL? – hard I know) because I was the boss and had a telly in my office. Golden times! I even had a bottle of scotch in my desk, just like John Thaw in the Sweeney.
Kroenkephobe,
The stick let’s me see every game,prem or EFL,at any time day or night. Don’t ask me how it works though,I just give a lad up the road money once a year. I used to have the system that dissenter( I think) talks about with the codi box. That’s well worth looking into for yourself if you don’t have anything set up. He explained it there on legrove last week.
Nothing wrong with watching the opposition, I haven’t had the time lately but I intend to watch as many of the All or Nothing documentaries as I can. The Fergie film I watched recently was excellent. I enjoyed the United film about Munich also, gave me a new perspective on the whole thing.
GAA season kicked off last weekend. London were unlucky actually, narrowly lost in the football. Big guns out next week,Mayo begin their annual heartbreak. I’ll keep you posted!
That’s Kodi.
Sorry needed to update my post.
16.50 € (everything HD + 3 devices)
20 € (everything HD & 4K + 5 devices)
VPN Surfshark they have Australian servers try 1 month for 12€ and if it works then 2.30 € per month if you commit for 24 months.
This is what I have contemplated to get but I have some friends that can’t be behind a VPN so thats why I keep the streaming service.
Killroy,
That’s more than reasonable. If you have sky over here it’s averaging around 100 euro a month,and that’s without multi room or other add ons. That’s just for sky games, if you want Bt that’s another 25 a month. And you still miss out on matches as neither are entitled to show 3 o’clock Saturday kick offs. Only foreign streaming services can do that.Everyone I know has some kind of magic stick or dodgy box as we call them over here. I’d say living in America and not following the big 3 is tough when it comes to mingling. Baseball is the one that makes me smile, it’s very hard to see the excitement in it. You should watch a game of hurling, sport will never be the same for you again…..
Cheers man. I’ve got a mate who has Kodi. The problem is she beats on about technical shite while I have a Homer Simpson moment. I must give it another try. Your strategy of giving the guy up the road some dosh every year sounds perfect. Anything that sticks it to Rupert Fucking Murdoch and Mark Cunty Zuckerberg has to make sense. Gotta run – millions of undead zombies with the other half beckons. A perfect metaphor for our relationship!
The little stick you are talking about most likely uses an IPTV service which is very popular but hunted down by the copyright owners. However the IPTV guys are very together having all the sports in one user interface rather then having to jump from one provider to the next. However they can be unreliable unless you are in a small group where one person administers the servers in the various countries that host the streaming services and it is a small elite group of trusted friends where no one hogs the bandwidth.
Kroenkephobe,
When you tell me stories like that I imagine you sitting in your car at 2 am in the pissing rain and cold,slippers and dressing gown on,collecting the kids from a night club and asking yourself ” how the hell did I get here??”.
Killroy,
That’s the long and the short of it from what little I know. If anyone gets too greedy it all comes crashing down. I’ve had this for 2 years now so everyday is a bonus at this stage!
Almuniasaynomore – that was EPIC. Its just gets better with each passing episode. This a stinging satire on the take of our beloved club by some clueless souls…. where I remember clicking everyday in the hope of finding out that you may have keyed in a new skit and hoping the laughter could lessen the pain all these years have brought us. Thank goodness I found this site and found yours and other like minded people’s (like Kroenkephobe) thoughtful and intelligent comments not to mention your hilarious narratives.
I’m sure a lot of sane people will follow here from there to have a proper conversation….. great blog guys, please keep up the good work. Cheers!
Retire… (I’ve seen some intriguing noms de plume on the internet in my time but yours is especially off-the-wall! – nice one)
Good on you mate. Meanwhile on another formerly relevant Arsenal site, Pedro is deflecting attention away from Arteta’s manifest shortcomings by showing off his penchant for hollow, meaningless management doublethink. He’s making everyone’s head swivel.
Almunia’s imagery is the perfect antidote. What we’re talking about here is a (piss poor) football club that we all worship which sadly happens to be run by a cabal of cretins wallowing in their sinecures. It’s now getting to the point where any sane Arsenal fan genuinely believes they could be doing a better job with the stars and resources available. Awful, over-used cliche but it’s not rocket science.
Almunia
That image of me as a sad, unpaid and neglected mini-cab driver is scarily close to the truth! It’s got the makings of an existential crisis for yours truly.
Not arriving at the exact spot, at the right time, and having the temerity to banter with some dangerously inebriated and unannounced teenage underage mate who needs dropping after a 20 mile detour is all par for the course. I often wish I was Marty McFly and could set the flux capacitor to about 2028 (by which stage all three of them will have buggered off!). I think your offspring might be a few years younger than the overripe fruits of my loins – you have this late-stage parenting joy to look forward to. 😉
And don’t even get me started on looking after the older generation in their dotage! I think I’d prefer Arteta’s many management dilemmas to my own. Medical appointments involving sensitive body parts beckon today for this taxi driver. No wonder Robert de Niro went fucking bonkers in that Scorcese film!
Still, I’ve gotta say I’m greatly looking forward to Wednesday’s game between two of Londinium’s footballing titans. It’s perfectly poised for drama.
One one hand, a club owned by a brutal, corrupt and absent owner whose team has been beset by huge logistical problems and serious financial irregularities, and whose future looks especially bleak. Moreover, they have become the laughing stock of English football as other fans queue up to pour scorn and laugh at their demise.
And then there’s Chelsea…
Haha….
I must admit you really got me there Almunia…. that was good. And thanks about my handle.
Against Chelsea wishing/hoping that we could win by the odd goal there. I’m just curious in case we lose, can the bedwetting, pathetic, plastic, internet fans like us, hope that the so called good atmosphere in Emirates will begin to dilute leading to – albeit at a snail’s pace – a better future somewhere in 2032? Or will there be more concoction and fabrication to tell us that everything is going as per plans or even exceeding them.
Oops my bad. Sorry Kroenkephobe. Thought Almunia wrote that hilarious one.
Retire
No sweat mate. I’m blowing a bit of smoke up his hibernian a-hole here, but if my attempts at humour seem like Almunia’s, then that’ll do me. He and I had a tremendous laugh last year changing the lyrics of well known songs to capture the quintessential misery and mystery of following Arsenal. We were the lennon and McCartney of musical bullshit.
Have a good one.
Kroenkephobe
Sorry mate, memories not good nowadays with all this stress and bedwetting, but yes, I think I remember reading a few of them in the previous blog, and they were funny. Just dreaming we could have a getting together musical jam session of these songs along with lots and lots of pints, and that would bring great pleasure to me. Cheers!
All this talk of culture is a meaningless smoke screen. We talked ad nauseam in the UK diplomatic service about culture and consistency and it was a sham. Hearing that its happening at Arsenal is pure banter. We just need a group of people to run the club better and produce results. That requires a huge clear out and new owners. It’s football, not foreign policy and joined up thinking.
Retire,
Thank you for the compliment, it is Mb who has allowed me to put the sketches up on his blog so my thanks go to him. Also you’ll find Mb’s take on football to be both unassuming and accurate.
Kroenkephobe,
You survive on very little sleep! Liked the chelski analogy,pretty much as it is sadly. I’m thinking about tonight and for the first time in living memory I’m hoping utd take something off pool. The threat of the quad is far too real right now. I’m surrounded over here by would be scousers,the quad trumps the invincibles,can’t cheer that on. As for our top 4 chances,we’ll if we’re going to get there I think we have to beat utd at the Emirates anyway. What do you think? Is cheering for utd tonight blasphemy??
Oh,and thanks for the idyllic images of parenthood to come,cheered me up no end!!
PTSD – Premature Tets’ Success Declaration lolol
Jamie
Hiya mate. Be good to get your take on where the club is right now. I’m half expecting an announcement soon about Tets, Edu and Vinai all getting a three year contract extension and pay rise such is the rampant madness of the Kroenk(i)es who, like their near namesakes Ian and wee Jimmy, ‘know nuthin aboot nuthin’.
Dinnae hold back!
What do you think? Is cheering for utd tonight blasphemy??
Almunia
In my book, the answer to your second question is a resounding yes. No way the bin dippers win all 4. But a draw would do.