In their behind the scenes documentary “All or Nothing”, Amazon’s film crew were given unprecedented access to the daily running of Arsenal football club. Many fans are anticipating insight into the controversies that have regularly occurred throughout the season, not to mention the opportunity to assess for themselves the dynamics of the relationships that exist at this giant of English football. As this exclusive footage reveals however, it was not in the halls of the Emirates, nor on the training fields of Colney that the series truly catches fire. Instead it was a routine visit to a local hospital that provided the documentary makers with some genuinely jaw dropping footage.
Presenter Catherine Whitaker is seen leading a group of people through the main door of a London hospital. Attempting to look casual in jeans and white blouse, she remains far too attractive to be considered ‘dressed down’. As we see the figures disappear in through the door, the camera remains outside and Whitaker’s voice begins to narrate the following introduction.
We had been at Arsenal for the past nine months and we were happy with the series to date. Although there had been the usual arguments surrounding content, we felt we had some interesting footage gathered, enough to generate a lot of interest. But we had no idea what lay around the corner. Due to Covid it had become standard practice that the entire production team would be tested once a week at a local hospital, we were, after all, working with elite athletes. However, that day, well, that day changed everything.
At this point the scene changes and we are now inside the hospital with Catherine and her crew. Catherine is looking through a small glass panel on a door and turns to the camera with an animated look on her face. On the door is a white sign with black lettering spelling out PTSD UNIT. Beckoning the cameraman to follow her Whitaker enters the room to a chaotic scene. Dozens of grown men and women, some in Arsenal shirts, but most in black sweaters or thin black zip up fleeces are wildly gesticulating to no one in particular, leaping up and down and engaging in short sprints of 4 or 5 yards while screaming and pointing at some imaginary figure in the distance. Imagine, if you can, a group of people trying to learn sign language while simultaneously having an epileptic fit. A man in a white coat approaches Whitaker and we, the audience, are privy to their conversation.
CW: Doctor, Catherine Whitaker here, we are currently producing a documentary on Arsenal. Could you please enlighten myself and my viewers as to what is happening here?
Dr: (Clearly uncomfortable but resigned to being truthful in front of the camera). Well, many of the people you see before you are suffering from a new but deeply disturbing phenomenon PTSD. It’s a relatively new condition that has, unfortunately, begun to spread rapidly in the last few weeks.
CW: But doctor, PTSD was identified decades ago.
Dr: Ah yes, but this is a more virulent modern form, Premature Tet’s Success Declaration. It’s affecting Arsenal fans who not only believed that Mikel Arteta was the second coming of Christ, but actively celebrated Arsenal’s temporary stay in 4th as proof of their faith. Needless to say the last few weeks have hit them hard.
CW: That sounds awful. What exactly are the symptoms?
Dr: It’s difficult to say, it seems to affect them in different ways. Some, as you can see, have morphed into their own version of Arteta (gestures with his hand to the room’s inhabitants who continue to frantically communicate unintelligible messages to nobody at all). Others are in denial, you will hear them muttering ‘I was right, I was right’, for no apparent reason.
CW: Dear God, it sounds terrible.
Dr: This (waving at the room) is only the tip of the iceberg I’m afraid. Some of the side effects are quite severe. The treatments required are complex. Total re-education is required for some of these poor souls. Follow me. [He leads Whitaker into another room where several figures in black are sitting at desks staring blankly as an exasperated looking doctor tries to communicate with them]. Here we see the effects of PTSD on the mathematical abilities of those affected.
Dr no. 2: So if Liverpool scored 87 goals and Arsenal scored 57 goals which team scored the most goals?
Patient no. 1: Arsenal.
Dr no. 2: (patiently yet clearly frustrated) How did you work that out?
Patient no. 1: Because while Salah and Mane were at AFCON, Liverpool played 2 league games in January scoring 4 goals. During that month Arsenal scored 6 league goals in 4 matches. 6 is more than 4.
(Whitaker looks at the camera, mouth ajar).
Dr no. 2: OK, let’s try another. If man city have 74 points and Arsenal have 54, who is having the best league season?
Patient no 2: Arsenal.
Dr no. 2: (muttering) Dear God. Why?
Patient no 2: Because if you start the season at the beginning of February and exclude games where Arsenal didn’t win, you’ll find that Arsenal were averaging 3 points a game. That’s title form.
Dr: (Whispering) As you can see their mental arithmetic defies all mathematical rules. It gets worse. Follow me.
[They enter a room where two patients are staring at freshly painted walls. They are clearly in a state of unbridled joy]
Patient 1: Unbelievable
Patient 2: Stunning, I can see it solidifying before my very eyes.
Patient 1: It just doesn’t get any better than this does it? Speaking of watching paint dry, when are Arsenal playing?
Patient 2: Dunno, but if it’s half as good as this….
Dr: (Sadly) Poor souls, lost all ability to recognise entertainment. Virtually braindead.
CW: But Dr, this is shocking. What can be done?
Dr: As I’ve said, a lot of the treatment is experimental. We are having small breakthroughs in here (He leads her into a room where several patients are gathered around a TV screen. Clips of the 71 double winners, Anfield 89, lge triumphs of 91,98,02 and the Invincibles are playing on loop). Here we are trying to jog their memories through visual stimulation. Many of these patients suffer from collective amnesia. They have been indoctrinated into believing that Arteta is managing a mid table team whose objectives should centre around simply being in contention for a place in minor European competitions. Now and again we succeed in reminding one of them that Arsenal is a footballing giant whose fans pay top money and deserve much more.
(Just at that moment Michael Thomas scores the legendary winner at Anfield and one Patient stands up holding his head in his hands)
Patient: I remember that! I was there! We are the Arsenal!! We should be demanding more!!
CW: (hand over her mouth) Oh my God, that’s amazing.
Dr: Not so quick, this moment is always bittersweet. (As the standing Patient turns to leave he is showered with abuse by the others)
Patients: Entitled prick! Bedwetter!! You’re only an Internet fan!!! Fuck off you Spud!!!!
CW: That’s horrible!
Dr: You must try to understand, they cannot separate themselves from Arteta, their connection is too strong. An insult against him is an insult against them. See this one over here? Claimed that Barcelona are a joke because they took Aubameyang while simultaneously praising Arteta for playing a soon to be out of contract Eddie Nketiah.
CW: Their minds are broken.
Dr: Indeed. Now if you don’t mind I must get back to my work.
CW: Dr, is there any hope?
Dr: For some, my dear, for some…….
You can watch this episode and many more on Amazon prime after the completion of the season.
Alternatively send Mb 20 quid and he’ll forward you an advanced copy.
Disclaimer: Mb will only forward advanced copies if he has them…
[Satire] is a collection of brilliance from one of our readers Almuniasaynomore, who can be seen lurking in comments often. If you are a gooner by heart, is saddened by the current state of Arsenal Football Club, this section tries to have a laugh at expense of some.
If you feel offended, remember, they’re just jokes. We’re all gonna die soon and there’s no football in hell or heaven, so remember that.
Feedbacks are welcome in the comments!
Kroenkaphobe
That was brilliant the African Whittaker. I have been a bit late to the English music and movies but my dad had some collections when he was working in UK in 90s. Unfortunately it was all the VCRs and ultimately worn out.
Almunia, hope you had a nice one, Sun must be out there.
https://youtu.be/f1VEn8JGTjY
All a bit hazy (give me a break, I’m nearly 60) but here’s that Derby game and the lowlights. Some mullet on Saunders back then. I felt physically sick by the end of the game.
My manager in Lloyds, from New Castle, was a die hard Forest fan, not missing even the away games. Luckily, in ’19 in FA cup we were to play Forest at home and I managed to get a ticket, so does he.
Heard it all on the way to Emirates how they gonna smash us and how they have been a bigger club historically. We won 5-0. My manager hated me for next few years 🤣
Hi Ambarish
That win was sandwiched between two terrible fa cup defeats though iirc. Still it must’ve been sweet sticking it to the boss. I think it might have been Carabao, but don’t take my word for it. I’m even worse than Almunia when it comes to empirical research! What’s your take on all this bollox about management consultants and club values?
That was a tough watch, pretty sure I wrote us off then myself, presumed we were done. Tony was capable of some real brain farts wasn’t he? Wouldn’t have swapped him though.
Sheffield utd need those 3 points Sat, should be a cracking atmosphere up there,enjoy.
Was Shilton England’s finest post Banks? I can’t think of anyone better.
This could end up with Liverpool winning by 4, 5 or worse. The argument is used that Arsenal are still in contention for top 4 – that’s embarrassing with the way ManU and the Spud’s (both teams having changed manager mid season) have performed we should be 10 plus points clear of them. If West Ham were more consistent or if Leicester had not had a really poor season top 4 would be out of site.
I was just thinking the same thing Marc but in a slightly different way. There’s utd,3 points off a CL place and they are without doubt in my opinion (and Gary Nevilles cos he just said it) the worst utd team in over 40 years. Yet,not one utd fan is hoping that Ragnick is manager next year. Not one utd fan sees solace in the table. Yet the table is being waved in our faces as if we’re fucking blind.Phrases like ‘touching distance’ or ‘visible progress’ are being thrown at us as if we don’t understand. Semantics being used by people who think they’re the cleverest pricks in the room. It’s condescending, insulting,infuriating and un fucking acceptable.
Almunia
A Utd team that beat us with a caretaker manager earlier in the season and who have a reasonable chance of leaving the Emirates with a point on Saturday.
If Arteta can’t figure out a way to put that utd team to the sword he should resign in shame,they are appalling and have been for a very long time now.
Ah yes it was carabao, I would have never got tickets for FA cup on a red membership.
Imo, this consultant thing is just a smoke screen for Amazon documentary and our failures.
Mb,
I think a lot of people are coming to that conclusion, the documentary is forcing them to be seen to be doing something. The whole thing is cosmetic and will be buried in a few months.
If we still qualify for Champions League, non of this will matter.
—
Liverpool is way ahead of United and even us. As much as I hate them bin dippers, I admire Klopp. His brand of football better than Pep’s in my opinion (minus the coffee performance enhancement report).
The documentary could very well be worse than embarrassing. The consultant thing sounds very much like rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic.
I just wish someone would throw Arteta overboard.
As bad as utd are I’m looking at sancho here and I dread seeing him up against cedric on Saturday. You just know bruno will be given the space that pool are denying him. Can’t think of a young player as highly rated as Rashford who dropped off a cliff so dramatically. Between him and Greenwood utd must feel like they’ve had their future ripped from them in the space of half a season.
“What do you think? Is cheering for utd tonight blasphemy??”
Honestly, my take is different. I will gladly cheer for any team except Sp*rs when they play Pool. Hate them because of their supporters arrogance. I would rather take relegation for our club than a quadruple for pool. Actually thinking about it, if someone offered me no cups or league for pool but relegation for us, I think I will settle for that knowing that it may possible also rid us of our current owners and start a new era, But that’s just only my view guys.
Retire
LOL. One thing I simply never want to see happen, under any convoluted circumstances – even were we to win the CL in the same season – would be Arsenal’s relegation. A bridge too far. Our longevity in the top flight, and the fact that we’re the only modern invincibles (sorry Preston) are the two sacred cows that I cling to every season as being uniquely ours. The invincible record could be matched by MC or the bindips at the rate they’re going but for now it’s a thing I cling to dearly.
Turning to tonight, my cup hardly runneth over with optimism. I’m really not buying the we’re – so – shit – right – now – we – might – just – sneak – it – narrative. Or the properly insane Arteta-lovers belief that it’s all bad luck what’s just happened and we’re due a change. Michael Owen level football analysis.
Retire
This issue is an old chestnut but it sounds as though you have LFC second in your list of hated clubs behind the spuds. For me it’ll always be Manure in second spot. In fact, to stop me thinking about tonight, I might have a go at a PL, European club and International top 5 most hated clubs.
On second thoughts scratch that idea. I wouldn’t want too much controversy about international teams today because I’m full of the joys of spring! Although I have to say Portugal always wind me up when I see them play, and England are always let down by their fans. By the way, I’m pretty certain I have tickets for the WC decider between Wales and either Scotland or Ukraine. Will be a huge night.
Retire/Kroenkephobe,
It’s that English v International fan thing. Many English Arsenal fans are in London(obviously) and are surrounded by Spurs fans who would make life a misery for them any chance they get.
There are more sober builders than spurs fans over here,they’re a non entity to me. The rival fan is not based on location. It’s a bit ridiculous when you see Irish Liverpool fans pretending that they hate Everton,or utd fans in the pre Sheik days suggesting that the City game mattered more to them than any other.
For me,the most despicable are utd,Liverpool,chelski. Spurs are only fourth and even then it’s by some distance!
Kroenke,
If its Wales v Scotland that will be incredible. The last playoff between them was a turning point in Arsenal’s history,with the whole Stein,Ferguson, Graham saga. I’d imagine the atmosphere will be a real throwback, soak it up and enjoy. Lansdowne Road hasn’t been the same since it was redeveloped but then again we haven’t had too many big nights recently.
Almunia
I vaguely remember a game in the late 70s when Joe Jordan fisted one in from a corner and broke Cambrian hearts. A forerunner to Diego’s hand of God. I’m going to go fully balls-in on this one and spend the day in Cardiff City Centre pre-match mingling with the boyos and the tartan army. I know I live in Wales but Scotland is my favourite international team thanks to spending my formative years in an English town (Corby) that was ethnically majority Scottish. I’ll post any interesting observations on here if I can stay sober enough. I’m nearly 58 and finally getting interested in international footie!
I saw Ireland play a friendly (against Russia I think) at the old Lansdowne Road in about 2001. Nothing at stake but there was a great atmosphere. We were on that big terrace at the southern (?) end. It would be top to see another WC where Ireland and the UK’s constituent parts all made it to the final. As long as it wasn’t somewhere like Qatar…
There’s me already thinking/wishing it’s Wales v Scotland. Although they have to fancy their chances against Ukraine.
Kroenke, Almunia
You make some valid points on our achievements that is very hard to argue. Yes clinging on to those two is our last saving grace to substantiate the claim of being a footballing giant. And the hatred of clubs is also territory based, where and when (which era) you grew up and the cultural ties to football . I remember one of my ex-bosses, born in Manchester and migrated to the US, being a united fan telling me that he loves every club that played against Arsenal. He hated us more than pool or city, which I found funny at that time. But we got along well 🙂
Kroenkephobe,
Ok,actually bothered my arse to find out what I was talking about. It wasn’t a play off. Wales and Scotland were in the same qualifying group for the 86 World Cup. It came down to the last match between them to determine who was going to Mexico. Scotland had a superior goal difference so a draw would do them, Wales had to win. Wales took an early lead and held on until a controversial penalty in the last 10mins gave Scotland the draw. Here it is
https://youtu.be/3I6CIxCcJ9k
However from an Arsenal point of view a dramatic twist of fate occurred. Legendary Scottish manager Jock Stein took ill before the game ended and died in the treatment room as Scotland celebrated then mourned with it’s football team. Scotland turned to Alex Ferguson to act as caretaker boss in the finals in Mexico that summer. Arsenal bosses,who had agreed terms with Ferguson to take over at Highbury were indignant that he agreed to this and were unwilling to wait for him. Instead they appointed fellow Scot George Graham. And the rest as they say is history……..
On the researching,I deliberately don’t do it often because I like to rely on my memory, keeps me sharp. Mind you when you don’t remember anything accurately anymore it gets worrying!!
Retire,
There was intense rivalry between pool and Graham’s Arsenal followed by Fergie’s utd and Wenger’s Arsenal. It was when those Liverpool and utd fans stopped arguing with me or even bothering to slag me that I realised Wenger had taken us back to a point that was pre Graham in terms of our low standing amongst the elite. Well by that same metric,Arteta has driven us off a cliff.
Morning, lads.
I’m hoping for anything other than a loss tonight, although I feel this is outrageous levels of wishful thinking given our performances over the last 3 games.
The real embarrassment would be losing to one of the worst Utd sides in living memory at the weekend, but we always seem to shit the bed when we play them regardless of either side’s form.
Come on, Mikel. Do something special and stop making it so easy to ridicule your 2.5 year tenure. Give us some hope ffs. All the clubs still vying for 4th are passing the massive opportunity around like it’s an envelope full of anthrax.
COYG
No question I hate Spurs the most, followed by a close draw between Utd (arrogant pricks who owe everything to Fergie) and Chelsea (racist degenerate cunts).
I don’t feel much of anything for the other ‘big’ or local clubs. Obviously Liverpool supporters, generally speaking, are reprobates who did their best to sully the English game abroad back in the day (I grew up in Brussels, so the Heysel disaster was sort of close to home), but I don’t hate the club.
West Ham and City are irrelevant when talking about history, imo.
Jamie,
If Arsenal took a point tonight and 3 on Saturday they would be huge favourites in my eyes to take 4th. Spurs will drop plenty between now and then also. It’s hard to see it though as Arteta will defend against a utd team there for the taking. As for tonight? An early goal and hold on like hell or pray Werner plays and has a . …Werner. Wouldn’t back us to take anything though,it all depends on how much Chelski want it.
That XI that Arteta selected does not inspire confidence I have to say. Just what is his phobia for Pepe about. I ha e no idea how this is going to pan out (which really means I’m worried). Maybe I’ll wet the bed for good luck…
Kroenkephobe,
It’s a 6-3-1 formation and that’s when we’re in possession. Might have to take the birdbox approach to this!