In their behind the scenes documentary “All or Nothing”, Amazon’s film crew were given unprecedented access to the daily running of Arsenal football club. Many fans are anticipating insight into the controversies that have regularly occurred throughout the season, not to mention the opportunity to assess for themselves the dynamics of the relationships that exist at this giant of English football. As this exclusive footage reveals however, it was not in the halls of the Emirates, nor on the training fields of Colney that the series truly catches fire. Instead it was a routine visit to a local hospital that provided the documentary makers with some genuinely jaw dropping footage.
Presenter Catherine Whitaker is seen leading a group of people through the main door of a London hospital. Attempting to look casual in jeans and white blouse, she remains far too attractive to be considered ‘dressed down’. As we see the figures disappear in through the door, the camera remains outside and Whitaker’s voice begins to narrate the following introduction.
We had been at Arsenal for the past nine months and we were happy with the series to date. Although there had been the usual arguments surrounding content, we felt we had some interesting footage gathered, enough to generate a lot of interest. But we had no idea what lay around the corner. Due to Covid it had become standard practice that the entire production team would be tested once a week at a local hospital, we were, after all, working with elite athletes. However, that day, well, that day changed everything.
At this point the scene changes and we are now inside the hospital with Catherine and her crew. Catherine is looking through a small glass panel on a door and turns to the camera with an animated look on her face. On the door is a white sign with black lettering spelling out PTSD UNIT. Beckoning the cameraman to follow her Whitaker enters the room to a chaotic scene. Dozens of grown men and women, some in Arsenal shirts, but most in black sweaters or thin black zip up fleeces are wildly gesticulating to no one in particular, leaping up and down and engaging in short sprints of 4 or 5 yards while screaming and pointing at some imaginary figure in the distance. Imagine, if you can, a group of people trying to learn sign language while simultaneously having an epileptic fit. A man in a white coat approaches Whitaker and we, the audience, are privy to their conversation.
CW: Doctor, Catherine Whitaker here, we are currently producing a documentary on Arsenal. Could you please enlighten myself and my viewers as to what is happening here?
Dr: (Clearly uncomfortable but resigned to being truthful in front of the camera). Well, many of the people you see before you are suffering from a new but deeply disturbing phenomenon PTSD. It’s a relatively new condition that has, unfortunately, begun to spread rapidly in the last few weeks.
CW: But doctor, PTSD was identified decades ago.
Dr: Ah yes, but this is a more virulent modern form, Premature Tet’s Success Declaration. It’s affecting Arsenal fans who not only believed that Mikel Arteta was the second coming of Christ, but actively celebrated Arsenal’s temporary stay in 4th as proof of their faith. Needless to say the last few weeks have hit them hard.
CW: That sounds awful. What exactly are the symptoms?
Dr: It’s difficult to say, it seems to affect them in different ways. Some, as you can see, have morphed into their own version of Arteta (gestures with his hand to the room’s inhabitants who continue to frantically communicate unintelligible messages to nobody at all). Others are in denial, you will hear them muttering ‘I was right, I was right’, for no apparent reason.
CW: Dear God, it sounds terrible.
Dr: This (waving at the room) is only the tip of the iceberg I’m afraid. Some of the side effects are quite severe. The treatments required are complex. Total re-education is required for some of these poor souls. Follow me. [He leads Whitaker into another room where several figures in black are sitting at desks staring blankly as an exasperated looking doctor tries to communicate with them]. Here we see the effects of PTSD on the mathematical abilities of those affected.
Dr no. 2: So if Liverpool scored 87 goals and Arsenal scored 57 goals which team scored the most goals?
Patient no. 1: Arsenal.
Dr no. 2: (patiently yet clearly frustrated) How did you work that out?
Patient no. 1: Because while Salah and Mane were at AFCON, Liverpool played 2 league games in January scoring 4 goals. During that month Arsenal scored 6 league goals in 4 matches. 6 is more than 4.
(Whitaker looks at the camera, mouth ajar).
Dr no. 2: OK, let’s try another. If man city have 74 points and Arsenal have 54, who is having the best league season?
Patient no 2: Arsenal.
Dr no. 2: (muttering) Dear God. Why?
Patient no 2: Because if you start the season at the beginning of February and exclude games where Arsenal didn’t win, you’ll find that Arsenal were averaging 3 points a game. That’s title form.
Dr: (Whispering) As you can see their mental arithmetic defies all mathematical rules. It gets worse. Follow me.
[They enter a room where two patients are staring at freshly painted walls. They are clearly in a state of unbridled joy]
Patient 1: Unbelievable
Patient 2: Stunning, I can see it solidifying before my very eyes.
Patient 1: It just doesn’t get any better than this does it? Speaking of watching paint dry, when are Arsenal playing?
Patient 2: Dunno, but if it’s half as good as this….
Dr: (Sadly) Poor souls, lost all ability to recognise entertainment. Virtually braindead.
CW: But Dr, this is shocking. What can be done?
Dr: As I’ve said, a lot of the treatment is experimental. We are having small breakthroughs in here (He leads her into a room where several patients are gathered around a TV screen. Clips of the 71 double winners, Anfield 89, lge triumphs of 91,98,02 and the Invincibles are playing on loop). Here we are trying to jog their memories through visual stimulation. Many of these patients suffer from collective amnesia. They have been indoctrinated into believing that Arteta is managing a mid table team whose objectives should centre around simply being in contention for a place in minor European competitions. Now and again we succeed in reminding one of them that Arsenal is a footballing giant whose fans pay top money and deserve much more.
(Just at that moment Michael Thomas scores the legendary winner at Anfield and one Patient stands up holding his head in his hands)
Patient: I remember that! I was there! We are the Arsenal!! We should be demanding more!!
CW: (hand over her mouth) Oh my God, that’s amazing.
Dr: Not so quick, this moment is always bittersweet. (As the standing Patient turns to leave he is showered with abuse by the others)
Patients: Entitled prick! Bedwetter!! You’re only an Internet fan!!! Fuck off you Spud!!!!
CW: That’s horrible!
Dr: You must try to understand, they cannot separate themselves from Arteta, their connection is too strong. An insult against him is an insult against them. See this one over here? Claimed that Barcelona are a joke because they took Aubameyang while simultaneously praising Arteta for playing a soon to be out of contract Eddie Nketiah.
CW: Their minds are broken.
Dr: Indeed. Now if you don’t mind I must get back to my work.
CW: Dr, is there any hope?
Dr: For some, my dear, for some…….
You can watch this episode and many more on Amazon prime after the completion of the season.
Alternatively send Mb 20 quid and he’ll forward you an advanced copy.
Disclaimer: Mb will only forward advanced copies if he has them…
[Satire] is a collection of brilliance from one of our readers Almuniasaynomore, who can be seen lurking in comments often. If you are a gooner by heart, is saddened by the current state of Arsenal Football Club, this section tries to have a laugh at expense of some.
If you feel offended, remember, they’re just jokes. We’re all gonna die soon and there’s no football in hell or heaven, so remember that.
Feedbacks are welcome in the comments!
There’s me already thinking/wishing it’s Wales v Scotland. Although they have to fancy their chances against Ukraine.
Kroenke, Almunia
You make some valid points on our achievements that is very hard to argue. Yes clinging on to those two is our last saving grace to substantiate the claim of being a footballing giant. And the hatred of clubs is also territory based, where and when (which era) you grew up and the cultural ties to football . I remember one of my ex-bosses, born in Manchester and migrated to the US, being a united fan telling me that he loves every club that played against Arsenal. He hated us more than pool or city, which I found funny at that time. But we got along well 🙂
Kroenkephobe,
Ok,actually bothered my arse to find out what I was talking about. It wasn’t a play off. Wales and Scotland were in the same qualifying group for the 86 World Cup. It came down to the last match between them to determine who was going to Mexico. Scotland had a superior goal difference so a draw would do them, Wales had to win. Wales took an early lead and held on until a controversial penalty in the last 10mins gave Scotland the draw. Here it is
https://youtu.be/3I6CIxCcJ9k
However from an Arsenal point of view a dramatic twist of fate occurred. Legendary Scottish manager Jock Stein took ill before the game ended and died in the treatment room as Scotland celebrated then mourned with it’s football team. Scotland turned to Alex Ferguson to act as caretaker boss in the finals in Mexico that summer. Arsenal bosses,who had agreed terms with Ferguson to take over at Highbury were indignant that he agreed to this and were unwilling to wait for him. Instead they appointed fellow Scot George Graham. And the rest as they say is history……..
On the researching,I deliberately don’t do it often because I like to rely on my memory, keeps me sharp. Mind you when you don’t remember anything accurately anymore it gets worrying!!
Retire,
There was intense rivalry between pool and Graham’s Arsenal followed by Fergie’s utd and Wenger’s Arsenal. It was when those Liverpool and utd fans stopped arguing with me or even bothering to slag me that I realised Wenger had taken us back to a point that was pre Graham in terms of our low standing amongst the elite. Well by that same metric,Arteta has driven us off a cliff.
Morning, lads.
I’m hoping for anything other than a loss tonight, although I feel this is outrageous levels of wishful thinking given our performances over the last 3 games.
The real embarrassment would be losing to one of the worst Utd sides in living memory at the weekend, but we always seem to shit the bed when we play them regardless of either side’s form.
Come on, Mikel. Do something special and stop making it so easy to ridicule your 2.5 year tenure. Give us some hope ffs. All the clubs still vying for 4th are passing the massive opportunity around like it’s an envelope full of anthrax.
COYG
No question I hate Spurs the most, followed by a close draw between Utd (arrogant pricks who owe everything to Fergie) and Chelsea (racist degenerate cunts).
I don’t feel much of anything for the other ‘big’ or local clubs. Obviously Liverpool supporters, generally speaking, are reprobates who did their best to sully the English game abroad back in the day (I grew up in Brussels, so the Heysel disaster was sort of close to home), but I don’t hate the club.
West Ham and City are irrelevant when talking about history, imo.
Jamie,
If Arsenal took a point tonight and 3 on Saturday they would be huge favourites in my eyes to take 4th. Spurs will drop plenty between now and then also. It’s hard to see it though as Arteta will defend against a utd team there for the taking. As for tonight? An early goal and hold on like hell or pray Werner plays and has a . …Werner. Wouldn’t back us to take anything though,it all depends on how much Chelski want it.
That XI that Arteta selected does not inspire confidence I have to say. Just what is his phobia for Pepe about. I ha e no idea how this is going to pan out (which really means I’m worried). Maybe I’ll wet the bed for good luck…
Kroenkephobe,
It’s a 6-3-1 formation and that’s when we’re in possession. Might have to take the birdbox approach to this!