[Satire] – The Gunnery

Unbeknownst to many, as part of their burgeoning English property portfolio, the Kroenkes purchased a Michelin three star restaurant in North London known as ‘The Gunnery’. A once hugely successful and popular location for many of the world’s greatest superstars, it embraced the culinary delights of many cultures, though many of its regular clientele would claim there was a distinctly French ambience prevalent. Unfortunately, due to a variety of factors, not least a lack of investment and the increasingly erratic behaviour of it’s genius but scattered French manager, the restaurant fell on hard times. Slowly it’s standing in the industry regressed, then slumped, leaving it clinging to a one star rating. But hope remained. The location, infrastructure, history of ‘The Gunnery’ meant that with the right personnel the glory days could move from the past to the present once more. And when Stan Kroenke gave his son Josh free reign to rebuild, it seemed that hope would soon be realised.

London. The Kroenkes are in town for a hugely important meeting with some potential Asian investors.

SK: Now Josh, you know this Chinese deal is on the line here. These guys are all about image, quality, top of the god damn range. You need to take them out and show them a good time, you understand? I’m trusting you here son, we’ve got to give them grade A entertainment.

JK: All hunky dory Pops, don’t you worry. I have a night lined up at ‘The Gunnery’ for all of us, the finest dining London has to offer!!

SK: The finest dining? ‘The Gunnery’? Shoot son, you may just be a natural in producing bull manure after all!

JK: Learned it from the best Pops! But truly, ever since I appointed our new Spanish manager things are flourishing! I’ll show you tonight. I’ve booked a table for the two of us so you can see for yourself.

SK: Spanish eh? What part, Portugal? I look forward to meeting him…

The scene moves to a luxurious restaurant, lush carpets, chandeliers, expensive décor. The 2 Kroenkes are escorted to their table by the manager, Mikel Arteta and his head waiter, Edu.

MA: Gentlemen, may I welcome you to ‘The Gunnery’. Myself and my assistant, Edu, will be your servers tonight, please don’t hesitate to ask for anything. Mr Kroenke, I gather this is your first visit here in years, I’m hopeful you’ll find the changes to your liking.

SK: Indeed. I must say it’s very quiet here, are we normally not a little busier or is it just that Monday is a quiet night?

MA: (beaming with pride) Monday is the only night we open sir, one of my own personal ideas. You see, under previous managers we tried to function all week long, but I believe that by concentrating just on one day a week we will find it easier to peak.

SK: (Annoyed) One day a week? What kind of a business plan is that? How do we make a profit?

Edu: (Rushing to his boss’s aid). Profits and plans aren’t really what we’re going for here sir, with respect. (looks lovingly at Arteta as he emphasises the following words) We see this as more of a …process.

SK: (Even more annoyed, starts pointing out the window) Well I’ll tell you what I see, a goddam queue of people trying to get into that restaurant next door while we’re sitting here in a room that has more free space than Donald Trump’s head! That place was a greasy spoon last time I was here. Why the hell is ‘The Real Villa’ more successful than us??

JK: (Trying to placate his father) It’s just a temporary thing Pops, new manager, got lucky with a few ideas.

SK: New manager eh? Maybe I should get HIM to run this joint!!
(JK, MA and Edu all look at each other and down at their feet maintaining a guilty silence)

MA: Please, Mr Kroenke, have a seat. Here’s your menu. Allow me to get you a drink.
(Their attention is diverted by a few rowdy, drunken, yobs attempting to gain access to the premises)

SK: Well ain’t you guys got some kinda security here to throw them out onto the street?

MA: Oh yes sir, we do indeed. A top class bouncer. Swiss hardman. Made of granite.

SK: Well where the hell is he then?

Edu:(Nervously) Ummm, he’s in the toilet.

MA: (Whispering angrily to Edu) What? Again? All he’s done since he’s got here is produce shit!

Edu : (Returning the heated whisper) He won’t come out. Says he can’t leave until he achieves something special.

MA: I won’t hold my fucking breath.

Edu: I would if I were you sir, I’ve been in there, not pleasant.

JK : (Once again trying to defuse the situation) So Mikel, how’s our star chef Pierre Emmanuel doing? I gotta say I’m looking forward to seeing what he’s cooking today.

MA: I’m afraid we had to let him go. Artistic differences. He became insolent when I moved him to the wash up, started sulking, saying chefs could only cook in the kitchens or some such nonsense. Needless to say it was non negotiable. He moved to that Spanish restaurant in Camden ‘Los Barca’.

JK: (Worried) But ‘Los Barca’ is sold out every night! Word is they’re on the verge of becoming a three star restaurant real soon!

Edu: Yes ,well everyone knows that it’s much easier to produce high class meals in a Spanish restaurant and anyway we’re not paying ALL his wages while he’s there (Finishes and winks at Arteta in an ‘I’ve got your back boss’ kinda way. Arteta groans.)

SK:(listening in disbelief) Jesus Christ, I’m beginning to lose my appetite! And what in darnation are all these children doing here?? This isn’t McDonald’s right?

MA: That’s the waiting staff sir. (Proudly) You see, we have the youngest staff in London. They are all an investment in potential, they are all going to get better in time.SK: (Scathingly) Get better? Get better?? They couldn’t get worse! (Pointing) That kid over there can’t reach the table!!

JK: Pops, you gotta understand. Wanting everything here and now is so last year. That’s only for the entitled Internet fans. Mikel explained it to me. True wisdom is to think about what can be…in 10 or 20 yrs time.

SK( Fuming) I could be dead in 10 years you moron. I pay to come and eat now. Now! Do you understand?

MA:(Whispers to Edu) Immediate value for money?? It’ll never catch on.

JK: Sure Pops. Why don’t we just order something and relax??

SK:(Picking up the menu) Well I am mighty hungry, sure could do with a nice…….WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS? Sausages and chips, nuggets and chips, beans on toast?? Is this it?

MA: (Highly insulted) Mr Kroenke, that is standard fare. Surely you don’t expect more than that?? I have only been in the business for 30 yrs. I am manager here a mere two and a half years. I am not a miracle worker. Our beans on toast have been described as sexy and saucy by a top class professional footballer and they have to be very careful about what they eat.

SK: What professional footballer?

MA: Willian.

SK: And why aren’t there any prices on these menus? How are people going to know what we charge?

MA: (Beaming with delight) Ah yes, another little initiative I’ve introduced. We’ve (pointing at himself and Edu simultaneously)noticed that we sell much less when we charge people for their food. So instead, we don’t.

SK: Don’t what?

MA: Charge them.

SK: What kind of fucktard thinking …..

JK: Now Pops, hear him out.

MA: Mr Kroenke, I can assure you that since we introduced this into the process we have cleared out more food than ever before.

Edu: And in a covid market!!

SK: What the fuck has covid got to do with giving away all our food for free!!!

MA: Well, we don’t give it all away for free, sometimes even then we can’t shift it. So we pay them to take it.

Edu( proudly) That was my idea!!

SK: (Standing, incandescent with rage) Listen here you absolute cretins. Restaurants do not give away their food for free, they do not seek to operate one day a week, they don’t use a skeleton staff of teenagers and claim it to be a triumph, and above all else, and I cannot emphasise this enough, they don’t promise their paying customers jam tomorrow!!! They feed them there and then!!! ( storms out).

MA: (Sulkily)I suppose he’s going to complain when I tell him about my 150 million refurbishments plan as well…….

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[Satire] is a collection of brilliance from one of our readers Almuniasaynomore, who can be seen lurking in comments often. If you are a gooner by heart, is saddened by the current state of Arsenal Football Club, this section tries to have a laugh at expense of some.

If you feel offended, remember, they’re just jokes. We’re all gonna die soon and there’s no football in hell or heaven, so remember that.

Feedbacks are welcome in the comments!